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Post by Sebastian Grey on Jan 1, 2015 9:43:37 GMT -5
Hey guys. just looking for constructive criticism. Anything you like or dislike yadda yadda. fgawrestling.proboards.com/thread/4342/christmasFirst Grey rp in quite some time and it's hard to get back into a character. I think I did okay though. What do you think? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2015 10:02:34 GMT -5
Meh
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Post by Sebastian Grey on Jan 1, 2015 10:45:02 GMT -5
Thanks, Luke. I don't know what I'd do without you!
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Post by Sebastian Grey on Jan 15, 2015 0:51:00 GMT -5
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Post by Sebastian Grey on Jan 15, 2015 15:12:32 GMT -5
I don't bite, guys.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2015 15:49:54 GMT -5
I will after I'm done judging, possibly tomorrow.
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Post by Sebastian Grey on Jan 16, 2015 16:12:47 GMT -5
Ok sounds good
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Post by Ashley Sands on Jan 16, 2015 17:42:51 GMT -5
Benny DOES bite. He's like a rabid ass bunny.
The promo bits were concise and tightly held together as was the connection between the CD sections. The Seb/Yun relationship has always been one of those things that just stood out to me. Some of my favorite PDW segments between Erin, Amy and Yun was when they were giving Yun shit about it like "So you passed out and slept in the same bed last night.... And?" People can say it feels fake and no normal couple really talks that way but that's what makes them unique. A copy-and-paste of a typical relationship is just boring and no one really cares to read about that.
And now the downside. I noticed there were a few points where I was thrown off a bit by just typos. Nothing major but it's like driving along and hitting a speed bump you didn't see there. And I wish there was more of a connection between the CD and the promo bits. The second CD was in Poughkeepsie and the second promo alluded to Seb's history of abuse but they just felt relatively weak links in the chain to me.
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Yun Goeun
Making Waves
~~ Billion Dollar Baby ~~
Posts: 90 
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Post by Yun Goeun on Jan 16, 2015 18:26:30 GMT -5
Some of my favorite PDW segments between Erin, Amy and Yun was when they were giving Yun shit about it like "So you passed out and slept in the same bed last night.... And?" People can say it feels fake and no normal couple really talks that way but that's what makes them unique. A copy-and-paste of a typical relationship is just boring and no one really cares to read about that. I credit Yun's weird world view on relationships and her extreme naivety about how the real world works for that! Don't give him none of the credit! |
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Post by Sebastian Grey on Jan 16, 2015 19:07:11 GMT -5
Some of my favorite PDW segments between Erin, Amy and Yun was when they were giving Yun shit about it like "So you passed out and slept in the same bed last night.... And?" People can say it feels fake and no normal couple really talks that way but that's what makes them unique. A copy-and-paste of a typical relationship is just boring and no one really cares to read about that. I credit Yun's weird world view on relationships and her extreme naivety about how the real world works for that! Don't give him none of the credit! You know how hard it is not to have my own character a big dick swinging, laying the pipe to her kind of guy!? Give all the credit! And Ash, thanks for the honest feedback. I'll be perfectly honest and say that the last two rp's have been posted mere minutes after I typed the final word. I know it goes into the judging, but I'm still trying to get back in the swing of things, so my time on the proof-reading section has been next-to-none. I do agree that I need to connect my promos with my CD more, like I used to in PDW. I do feel that I have a good idea going though and this roleplay wasn't a stand alone, the flashback and the convo with Yun is leading to a story arc I plan to do, which is new for Sebastian as a lot of it in PDW was just one off occurances in his life. Thanks, man. Looking to hear from others as well  |
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Post by Ashley Sands on Jan 16, 2015 23:30:04 GMT -5
I credit Yun's weird world view on relationships and her extreme naivety about how the real world works for that! Don't give him none of the credit! You know how hard it is not to have my own character a big dick swinging, laying the pipe to her kind of guy!? Give all the credit! And if it was based more on reality and the real you, Seb would be hung like a gerbil. This IS fiction by the way.... #kevsmirk  |
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Yun Goeun
Making Waves
~~ Billion Dollar Baby ~~
Posts: 90
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Post by Yun Goeun on Jan 17, 2015 0:35:19 GMT -5
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Post by Ashley Sands on Jan 17, 2015 0:43:19 GMT -5
You're always so mean to me. #kevsad  |
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Post by Stephen on Jan 18, 2015 2:22:03 GMT -5
I need a break from schoolwork and work work so I'll give you some feedback. Full disclosure, I haven't yet read your other roleplays. This feedback is strictly for your latest roleplay.
I'm a big fan of redemption stories. They continuously remind me that any and everything is possible in this world. That being said, I really enjoyed this one. The two CD pieces kept me engaged throughout. I have to agree with Ash though, the typos were noticeable, but it was still readable. I'm very guilty of not proofreading my own work sometime and leaving plenty of typos in my own work so I won't nitpick yours. Just a friendly reminder to you (and to myself lol) to improve on proofreading.
My only real problem was the shoot at the end. It just fell flat for me, felt like something was missing. Comparing Mirage to Seb's addiction was great, but there was never that "I kicked the habit, now I'm going to kick your ass" vibe that I think you were going for. At least for me. It felt like it was heading in that direction, but it got passed over and instead went straight to the ending of the shoot. It was implied in the ending, and that works for me in most other forms of literature, but not in efedding/wrestling in general. Unless the character is explicitly written with the intention to make me wonder about their modus operandi, which Seb doesn't strike me as that type of character, then I suggest just laying it all out on the table. Even Cena says "I'm gonna whoop your ass" when he's "serious" about his opponent. Just a little something to give the shoot an extra kick.
Hope this was helpful and not entirely off base. Good luck, man!
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Post by Sebastian Grey on Jan 18, 2015 2:30:39 GMT -5
Thanks, Stephen. As for the shoot, I always need a little bit of time to get back into the flow of it, but the thing about Grey is, he's overly respectful to the point where some people think he is fake. In PDW, he was called Facade Todd, lol. He DOES get a little cocky and will even spout a little anger once in awhile, but he isn't one to say he is going to beat your ass. But I get where you are coming from and I'll work on that!
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