What Christmas Is About

[Sebastian Grey]

:: Christmas, 1993 – Philadelphia, PA :: 

Not yet six years old, Sebastian Grey still believed in Santa. It was just that lately, he couldn't help but wonder if he had done something to spurn jolly ole' Saint Nick. It was early Christmas morning and little Sebastian sat before the tree Indian-style, his face in his hands as he stared sadly into the drooping pines. When his father had taken he and his sister Tina out the week before to hand-pick the tree that would go in their home, Sebastian had begun to believe that this year was going to be better than the last. Last year, they had barely thrown up a fake tree, which had crushed his heart, so naturally the return of a pine brought a smile to his face. To his young mind, it felt like only a day had gone by since his mother and father helped their two children decorate the tree, the four of them acting like a family with the fire going and warming them as they listened to Christmas tunes and laughed at all the hand-made ornaments Sebastian had made in pre-k. 

There was no such warmth that morning. He actually shivered and brought his robe more tight to his body as he wondered why his mom hadn't turned the heat up as the temperature outside had plummeted overnight. Realizing that staring wouldn't bring the green pigment back to the now dead tree, he awkwardly pushed himself back to his feet and padded across the hardwood in his Reptar slippers until her reached the couch. Climbing up onto it, he rested his cheek on the soft fabric and looked out the frosted pane. He wasn't sure what time it was exactly, as he didn't have a clock in his room, but he knew it had been light enough for some of the neighborhood children to wake up and already open their presents, as many of them were out in the street, waging snowball war on each other while their parents looked on, steaming mugs in their hands and smiles as bright as the snow etched upon their faces. 

Sebastian liked to smile, he just wanted a reason to. In truth, watching their happiness made him want to burst into tears, but the past week had seem him shed as many as he could. His eyes were dry and he quite honestly wasn't sure he would be able to shed a tear ever again. The stairs that led upstairs creaked and he spun his head around, expecting his mother to come down late, gifts in hand like she would sometimes due, claiming that Santa had hid them throughout the house for the adults to find, but it was only the cat, padding down the steps. The black cat's yellow eyes fell on him immediately and she purred, moving across the living room and hopping up onto the couch to join him. 

“Hey, Sally...who let you out?” he asked, reaching out and rubbing his hand along her spine before tapering off at her tail. 

She meowed in response, driving her head into his leg and bringing her body along it as the sound of a sink running upstairs echoed through the otherwise silent home. He had fought with Tina over who would get to sleep with the cat the night before, and she had won a heated game of rock, paper, scissors, acquiring the snuggling of Sally the cat. As he continued to pet the cat, Tina came down the stairs, yawning and rubbing at her eyes as she tied her own robe tighter around her slender teenage frame. 

“It's freezing down here, kid,” his sister said, barely awake as she turned at the bottom of the stairs and reached for the thermostat, which was well out of Sebastian's reach. “There you go...” 

She joined him on the couch, her elbow propping on the back of the couch and her head resting in her hand as she used the other to pet Sally as well. They sat there in silence for a few moments,grinning as the cat rolled in pleasure from all the attention she was getting. Not able to take anymore, the cat violently rolled back onto all fours and lurched from the couch, making its ways under the shedding tree while meowing. When Sebastian watched her speed under it, unimpeded by the lack of presents there, he sighed and looked back out the window. Bobby from across the street was driving a 4-wheel tonka quad over mounds of snow, while Jaime threw a snowball at her “my size” Barbie Doll dressed up in her owner's winter outings.  

“Are we on the naughty list, Tee?” Seb finally asked, not looking away from the window. 

Tina chuckled, but it was short, and without humor. “Naw, little brother, we didn't do anything wrong.” 

Sighing once more, he looked down at his lap and then at her and he could see that she was just as sad as he was, she was just older and better at hiding it. “Then why don't we have any presents to open?” 

Tina took his hand, smiling sadly before closing her eyes, squeezing them as if trying to fight something off. When she opened them, he could see how watery her emerald green's had become. She went to say something, but then held up her finger and moved away from the couch. He watched as she opened up the closet door beneath the steps and pull out her backpack. Bringing it back to the couch, she set it between them and unzipped it. Reaching inside, she slowly pulled out a square object, carefully wrapped in Ninja Turtles wrapping paper and topped with a turtle shell bow. Sebastian smiled, knowing that it had to be for him, because no one else his sister knew was addicted to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

“It's not much, but I got you a little something,” she said, smiling as she held out the present in both hands. 

He beamed, reaching out for it, but when he tried to take it from her, she held tight, grinning as he yanked harder. “C'mon,” he said. “Give it!” 

“Relax, little brother. I just want you to realize that Christmas isn't about the gifts,” she said, nodding her head towards the window. “I know you are seeing your friends out there having fun with their fancy new toys, and there is nothing wrong with that, but they don't know what it's like to be us at this time of year. They teach us in school and in church that it's about family and thanking God for the birth of Jesus...but today is no different than any other day, Sebastian.” 

She released one hand from the present and put her index finger in the center of his chest. “If you live every day with a full heart, taking pride in what you have, no matter how little it is, things will turn out alright in the end.” 

Although Tina was barely a teen, Sebastian understood what she was saying, and he felt as though she was wiser than their priest who spoke just like that every Sunday. He smiled at her and let his grip on the gift lessen, showing her that he did understand and that he was grateful for her, because no matter how many times their parents fought, she would be there for him. 

Their parents' most recent row had occurred the night before and had ended with their father, reeking of booze and a perfume not that of their mother's, storming out of the house, slamming the door so hard that most of the needles on the already dead tree fell to the floor. Their mother had barely even looked their way as they sat in sadness, the nightly showing of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer losing all of its warmth as she shuffled up to her bedroom and locked the door, her sobbing echoing throughout their home. 

If it wasn't for Tina, Sebastian would have no idea what to do. He was young and naive, and always thought that his father would be back with flowers for mom, and all would be okay like it used to. But that was not the case, and they hadn't heard a peep from their mother's room since the crying stopped late in the night. He couldn't help but wonder if the sadness running through their home was was scared Santa away. 

“Go ahead, Seb...open it up,” Tina said softly, letting go of the gift and allowing him to rip at the wrapping paper. 

When he finished unwrapping, he felt his excitement drop as he opened it upside down, and he could tell from the back that it was only a picture frame. Biting his lip and trying not to complain, he removed the frame from the wrapping paper and turned it over in his small hands. The frame was hand painted with their names up top and on bottom, with hearts going up the sides, and the photo set inside of it was from the day he was born. He smiled down at it, still disappointed like any kid with no presents would be, but also appreciative of it as he looked down into the smiling face of his sister, who was a little older than he was now in the photo, holding him in her arms and smiling up at the camera. 

“Merry Christmas, little brother,” Tina said, wrapping her arms around him and letting her fragile sibling melt into her arms. 

:: Christmas Day, 2014 – Philadelphia, PA :: 

“Merry Christmas, Tee...” I said, barely a whisper as I looked down at the twenty year old picture frame in my hand. 

Over the years, some of the paint she had used to paint our names on the fake wood had begun to wear away, but enough of it was left to leave it to the imagination. Looking down at the photo had brought me back to 93, our first Christmas without our father, but certainly not our last. It hurt me, knowing how much I'd give up to get to be with her again...even if it meant giving up my... 

“No...don't even think about it,” I warned myself through grit teeth. 

My face flushed and I felt the emotion building up inside of me, but before the water could break the damn, I placed the picture gently back in its original position and breathing in deeply. Smiling to myself as a defense to the nostalgia that was tearing at my heart strings, I turned back to the huge mirror which had come as a top-piece to my wardrobe and went back to work on my tie. 

“I do miss when I could pull off a clip-on,” I grumbled. 

I had made a habit of talking to myself ever since I had first begun attending Alcoholics Anonymous. They said it was always good to verbalize your displeasure’s, especially when alone, because silence was a key contributor to the strength of our demons within our heads. The demons were at bay, but the habit lingered on. 

“How many times have you done this, asshole...” I chided myself as I looped it through too short and the tip of the tie barely reached my navel. 

Shaking my head, I pulled it back out and started again. As I was putting the finishing touches on it, the custom door bell to my condo went off, with the voices that played the Ninja in the Turtles in Time video game from my childhood yelled “COWABUNGA!” I smirked, never letting it get old as I glanced back in the mirror, pulling the collar down on my black dress shirt and pulling up on the knot of the red tie. Checking my watch, I rolled my eyes, wondering why it always took me so long to get ready as I snatched my suit jacket from the open wardrobe door and slipped into it as I slipped out into the open floor plan of my condo. 

I paused, looking across the dining room, which had the table set perfectly for two, and into the large living room, which ran the length of the condo and with the floor to ceiling windows. The citrus pine that I had purchased gave my home a natural orange smell, and the lights within its branches reflected off the dark windows, becoming one with the bright lights of downtown Philly. 

COWABUNGA! 

“Pizza time,” I replied to my doorbell, hustling into the foyer and barely peeking through the peep hole before pulling the door open. 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” I exclaimed in my best Frosty voice. 

I was met with a confused smile and a stare as cold as the snow that made the beloved snowman in a top hat. 

“Home boy suffer a concussion or something?” Joe Shamrock asked, moving past me as he normally did, scanning my apartment before giving a nod to his charge that all seemed well in the House of Grey. 

Smirking and shaking the bodyguard's tone off, I opened my arms wide and embraced my girlfriend and former co-worker, Yun Goeun. She was tiny, but I had learned when we had first started hugging (about two months of awkward hands-off dating coming first) that she didn't like me making myself small to meet her. My hands brushed against the silk back of her Bengal dress as I kissed her on the forehead. 

“It's an American thing...” I told her, referring to my greeting. 

“Ahh...” she replied, eyebrows high as she looked around my apartment with her normal adorable smile, her eyes bright as if she was seeing everything for the first time. “When I said I wanted to know more about the American culture of Christmas, I expected a little more detail before birthday wishes were randomly thrown around.” 

“You'll understand after dinner,” I said with a sheepish grin, “Frosty the Snowman is better than any anime coming out of your neck of the woods.” 

Yun clasped her hands before her, nodding as she considered that fact. She was Korean, and we had met in PDW when I had started there. She had been there before me, coming from the Korean music business, and her bodyguard was an immovable part of her life that I was still trying to get used to, even after all the months we had been seeing each other. My best friend, Zack Jones, also a wrestler, would make fun of me behind the scenes about how he and his wife Erin, also a wrestler, never saw any sort of PDA between the two of us. I'd joke that I was just afraid that Joe was going to break me in two, but in truth, it was a mutual understanding between Yun and I. She wanted to take things slow. At first, it was incredibly painful, but as my feelings for her grew, my patience did. 

We enjoyed each others company, and we didn't need to touch to show our affection. 

“You sure you aren't hungry, big guy?” I asked Joe as I directed Yun towards the table, where our food was already on the plates and covered to keep the heat in. 

“Naw, I'm good...” he replied, shrugging of his jacket and tossing it over the back of my couch as he sat down and picked up the remote. “Mind if I watch the Cavs?” 

“Mi casa, su casa, my friend!” I called over to him, while I pulled out Yun's chair and watched her sit. 

I removed the cover from her dish and smiled widely as she breathed in the aroma of the home-baked chicken parm. In about twenty minutes, thirty if you counted or chit chat and the numerous times I offered Joe some of my food, we had cleared off the table and were joining him at the couch. She sat between us and I instinctively put my arm around her, my knuckles brushing Joe accidentally. He looked over at me and we made eye contact, I raised my eyebrows, pretty much asking him if the contact was okay, and maybe it was the idea of Christmas messing with my head, but I swear he may have grinned a little and let it slide as she leaned into me. 

I had promised Yun that I would enamor her in the spirit of Christmas, and that was exactly what I was going to do. The rest of the night would be filled with Christmas movies and desserts. There would be no gifts, besides each others company, because I had learned from my sister a long time ago with this holiday was always about, and just because I was a lot more wealthy than I had been back then, her message didn't get lost on me. 

I felt a single tear slide down my cheek as I silently wished her another Merry Christmas, and I was grateful the lights were off and Yun was too busy with Rudolph to notice... 

:: Grey Matters :: 

Before I really get into the meat of how I feel being on the brink of a professional return to the squared circle, I just want to acknowledge the overwhelming support I've received since I made my little speech at Final Frontier. Returning to Twitter, I was bombarded with messages from fans and colleagues and it wasn't a bother at all. My only regret is that Twitter only allows you to scroll so far back before cutting you off, so to any friends or fans that didn't get a reply from me, I sincerely apologize! 

Wow! 

I mean seriously, wow. I'm not blind to the fact that my accolades have been lauded over the past year or so, but when I went out and PDW closed its doors, I figured that the upstart career of Sebastian Grey would be overshadowed by all the new guys in the still running feds that were making a bigger impact than I ever have. I've seen it happen, and there are MUCH better young wrestlers out there and here in FGA that deserve more applause than a limping ex-PDW star should get, but still, you guys accepted me and reached out to welcome me back to the ring, and that fact isn't lost on me. 

Those familiar with these addresses know that 100% of my success in PDW would have never happened if not for the support of the fans and my peers. You guys became my family when my blood-line had no one else to keep me company. When I was reeling from my sister's passing going into my Platinum Title match against the great Tj Jones, you all kept me going, even as he had me dead to rights. Your encouragement streamed through me and gave me that last ditch effort as I managed to fight him off on the top rope and believe in my Serenity to keep him down for that three seconds everyone in this profession yearns for. 

Some media in this business labeled me the Miracle Man, some called me the people's champion, but I don't accept that. The PEOPLE were the champion and I was just the embodiment of it in that ring. When Camilla took a concrete covered crowbar to my leg and took me out of action, it was you guys who sent me get well wishes, and even when I went into a dark place nearly to the brink of breaking my sobriety, you were still all there to bring me back. You brought me back from the edge, and your support has brought me back into the fold. 

At Final Frontier, I said I wanted to make FGA my home, and your reaction made me genuinely believe that this is a huge possibility. You'll have to bear with me while I mold myself to the vast disparity in talents here, and remind myself of what my body can accomplish in that ring, but given the chance, I believe I can entertain you all as much, if not more, than I did for the PDW faithful back in Philly. And I have to admit, the sheer numbers of this universe is astonishing. In PDW, we didn't travel much, so there were fans I even knew on a first name basis. Now, I get to travel the country and maybe even beyond and see so many different types of people. That's always been a dream of mine, and it's awesome that my chosen profession allows me to do that...to get out there and meet all of you...to put faces and names to the tweets and e-mails I get! It's freaking fantastic! 

So thank you, is basically what all that was about. Thank you so much. I will repay you for your generosity. 

And my repayment will start in Lowell, MA! Go Red Sox, am I right!? Huge fan, disappointing season, but they'll be back in the running, just have faith. Just like me, they were struggling to find themselves last season.  

But I've found myself. I got over my demons and I regained the confidence that let me give this thing called wrestling another try. It's only fitting that my first match is against a veteran female with so many accomplishments under her belt. It's like when my first major match in PDW was against Brytain Montgomery, a woman so much more established and skilled than I. She pushed me to my limits and for that, I was extremely grateful. 

I expect no less from Ms. Evangelista. I'm not one to go into my match ignorant of my opponent. She is a superior specimen in that ring and for every power move I can throw at her, she can end me with a viciously quick counter. She is smart, and she plans out her moves. For every action, she will attempt an equal and opposite reaction. Preparing to face someone so methodic in the ring is no easy task, but I didn't want anything easy coming out of the gate. Nothing good in this world comes easily is what I hear and believe wholeheartedly. 

She comes out of England, which has bred some of the greatest technical and multi-faceted wrestlers I've ever come across or emulated growing up. She won't let her 5'1” stature be a crutch, as I've seen her use her size to her advantage on the films I was given. She fights respectably, so I have no worries of dirty tactics becoming a factor, and she has some trademark and finishing moves that I'm honestly afraid of, because with my time away from the ring, something that will stun me might be the death of me. 

But in honor of her talents, I've worked this past week to prepare my body and my mind to combat her. If I cannot defeat her, I will at least make it a match for her to remember, and maybe even learn a few things from, because I am not a one-move wrestler either. I've taken my time off to learn some new approaches in the ring that I'm eager to test out.  

Eager. Yeah, that's it. Eager, excited, almost salivating at the opportunity to shine. I miss the heart-throbbing, muscle pound action that comes in that ring. It's like sex without the sexuality of it. Measuring up the other person, trying to quickly learn their strengths and weaknesses, it's like sitting at the edge of the bar wondering how to approach the person at the other end you've been mustering up the courage to say hi too all night. Some people decide the best course of action is to just have another beer, and then another, and another. At some point the hope for that liquid courage just turns into more courageous consuming of the liquid. 

The strong get up, go over, and buy that person their damn beer. 

That's what I'm going to do, Evangelista. When we meet in Lowell, I'm going to come up to you, shake your hand, promise that I will give you my best, and then we are going to have our first date. I know I've missed the scene for awhile, but I promise that I can at least make the dance a little fun. And who knows, if we hit it off, we might have the whole place cheering us on. 

The dance floor is ours, let's charm the fuck out of this place.