Malcolm Drake Feedback (v2)

[Vinny]

Probably smart to start a new thread for this. So my first RP is up: Old Habits, Old Haunts. This is the first substantial anything I've written in about six months. I'd love any feedback you guys are willing to give me.

Thanks,
- Vinny

PS. For those new folks, I'm usually pretty good at paying-it-forward with feedback.

[Deleted]

I enjoyed it. It flowed well and sounded like an actual monologue.

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

Hola Vinn. On to the feedback

Things I thought worked: 

-Description and imagery: I think you and Ben are neck and neck when it comes to "painting a scene." You really grabbed the reader and forced him into the room with Malcolm.

-Diction: Whether you did it consciously or sub-consciously, it's clear that you put some thought into what Malcolm said, and more importantly, how he said it.

-Follow: Your RP had a clear beginning and ending. But, you didn't jumble up the middle at all, not in my opinion.

-The Shoot: My word. I don't know about anyone else, but I thought it was great. Honestly, I've only got one minor complaint about it (which will be outlined below).

-Short and Sweet: Some of us are long-winded story tellers (I know I fall into that category). But your RP was nice, concise, and to the point. That was a bit refreshing to read.


Things I didn't think worked/I think could be improved upon:

-Not a lot of Raike: The portion of the shoot that you did direct at Raike was good. That being said, I think you could have said a bit more. But, I think I understand the reason behind why you didn't (IE, it's a dark match and Malcolm is aiming for bigger fish). This would be the only thing I'd alter.


*Other than that, I don't have much to say. Again, very good RP. Before the results came out, I had a feeling you and Ben would be feuding. I'm excited to see what you two do.

[Vinny]

Thanks, guys. It was nice to shake off some of the rust.

[Vinny]

#2 since I've been back: Beg Me

I felt like this was too short and went back and added about 300 more words to it. I've always been one of the shortest writers here, and don't like stretching stuff out. What do you all think? Still too short? Too long, maybe?

Thanks,
- V

[Danny Diamond]

I thought it was a decent length. Of course, I also don't tend to write very long stuff, either. I've always been a supporter of quality over quantity and this definitely had really good quality.

[Vinny]

Thanks!

[Deleted]

You glorious bastard.

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

Sup Vin. Well, you know how I format these things. So let's roll shall we.

Things I thought worked:

-Feud Building: Obviously, we all know that Malcolm and Dom are going at it. But, sometimes that can be forgotten during the course of a iPPV/Supershow cycle. You did a good job talking about the feud, and then eventual match. Once again, I think everyone is hyped for that now.

-Diction/Word Choice: Again, a very nicely crafted RP. Your RP's may not be long, but your diction shows that you put time and effort into them.

-Marge portion: I estimate that you dedicated about half the RP to Dom and half to Danny. I thought it worked, and I thought you did a decent job addressing him.

*This week I'm going to skip the improvement section. There was nothing glaring that stuck out to me. Once again, I think you did an awesome job. 

[Deleted]

I'm a big fan of saying what your character needs to say, and I thought it was really good. The flow of your promo's sounds natural.

[Vinny]

Here's something I don't say very often, I'm REALLY pleased with this piece (no pun intended): The Missing Piece.

I finally feel like I'm able to slip back into Drake's mind and really work the strings and machinations again. But I'm more interested in what everyone else thinks, especially those of you have known the character for so long. I'm also interested in what people who don't know Drake as well think of his character progression, his arc.

Yes, I talk like Drake. I know.

Thanks,
- V

[Danny Diamond]

I really liked it. You have a very good way with the imagery that I wish I had. The small details are there, but not to the point where it becomes dull and overdone. Malcolm's dialogue was also very well done. I don't really know the character based on how you used him before I joined, but you make it pretty easy to understand where he came from and where he's trying to go. Excellent work.

[James Joseph Page.]

I really think you're in one of the best here when it comes to cutting a promo. I kind of feel like a nub when I write promos with Jimmy, because you're way better at imagery than I am. It was good, it was a statement, and it got across. Wasn't forced and you went back to the Malcolm Drake that I picture in my head that has the tone of a slurring, yet always musing broken man. Top notch.

[Vinny]

Thanks, guys.

My promo style has evolved a lot since I started playing this game and even since I started in FGA. I've moved away from 'background' story and start weaving that into the promo and completely eliminated any off-camera stuff. I also used to write long, LONG setting and detail descriptions, but what I found is that the more extraneous stuff I can cut out the more it makes the 'shoot' pop. The reader's brain can fill in the rest of the details if you give them the right cues, and they get a more vivid image because they aren't shoe-horning your images into their imagination, they're creating it themselves. So as much as I loved showing off with all the window dressing, I think it's more effective - more me at least - to cut to the chase and focus on what's important. With Drake I've made his raison d'etre only achievable through wrestling, which makes wrestling the focus of his life.

[Cordy]

I think you've done an incredible job since coming back to be honest. Seeing as how I've followed the Drake character for quite a while, I love the direction in which he's going and I've always loved how you've written his dialogue. There is just a natural flow to it all (his words and mannerisms), like I can honestly hear him saying the words as I read it and I can envision it all perfectly.