Malcolm Drake Feedback (v2)

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

Normally I'd give you the standard breakdown, down it's been a long week/day and I'm tired. Your RP was amazing, as usually. I have to agree with what everyone else has said thus far. I wouldn't be disappointed with your feud with Ben went on another cycle. I also wouldn't mind a Page/Drake feud either. 

[Vinny]

Thanks, Cordy and Riley (I'm a POS, I don't know your real names)!

Page/Drake would just be a poor man's Page/Chris Q, but I'd still be down for it.

[Noelle Smith]

Hi Vinny.

What's nice to see in reading a Malcolm RP is that it fits in so well with Dom's sort of heel style, the mesh is unbelievable and that makes this feud 'must see TV'. LOL Benny can tell you, one of the more glowing things said about Dom in SCW is about what a choad he comes across as, it's just a delight (and isn't that a weird juxtaposition?). But with Drake we're being led down a primrose path, and it's pretty cool. Now I'm a writer that deals with redemption themes a lot, and Drake is really, really selling this one hard.
But my Jedi sense is tingling, bro.

That's a good thing, by the way as usually I'm very adept at breaking down someone's character / motivations and then telling them what I see. With Malcolm the waters are muddy, and I like that.

[Vinny]

Thanks, Noelle.

Drake's internal demons have always been Chekov's Gun in my writing. Sooner or later, something has to happen.

[Vinny]

I haven't been asking for feedback lately because I haven't been around to give much, and feedback should always be a two-way street. So now that I've (finally) given Riley some feedback and owe Benny and Tony some tomorrow, I can finally start begging for my own:

Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair

This is one I real proud of, but please don't let that stop any of you from mercilessly ripping on it.

- V

[Laura Perelli]

I wasn't around for the Murder...and the more I read your stuff, the more I wish I was. I've seen a lot of dark characters played, I've seen a lot of morbid and macabre gimmicks, and I'm always afraid they're eventually gonna become ... I don't necessarily wanna say faux-Undertakers, but that's what it usually boils down to. Which makes it all the more impressive that you manage to not only NOT become a faux-Undertaker, but actually, in doing so, kind of become scarier.

Every RP of yours I read, I get more impressed. Even to the point of the titles making me go "huh, okay, I gotta read it just to see where that comes from." The RP about him rescuing the dog, all the while talking about what's gonna happen in the next match, was simultaneously a kinda "d'aww, lookit the puppy" moment, and "wait, he can be THIS sketchy while holding a rescued puppy o.O"

This one, I loved the comparison of the Infinite Empire to empires of the past, and then the bit about "all empires are finite, by nature." Shaking up the last bit of the promo was a nice way of ending, too, especially after explaining Memento Mori and why he applied it to the IE.

I really don't have a critique, in the sense of "what can you improve in this RP," cuz frankly, it was just...great. It didn't drag on, it captured everything it needed to, and frankly it kinda made Drake feel like the Punisher--coming to get back at people who deserve it. The irony of it being "the Murder Lite" makes it even better.

10/10, would definitely recommend.

[Noelle Smith]

Now Sam sees why my Aurora character wore a The Murder t-shirt in her promos I'm guessing
See, I'm a prognosticator... look at Noelle's last promo (the one prior to this week's). You'll see what I mean.

On to this current feedback: More of this please. I enjoyed the deft use of the poetry examples, and of course as mentioned one of them is a favorite poet so extra points there. I love the details, I'm a detail greedy-girl and there were plenty here without drifting off into the realm of purple prose.
For example, how the room he was living in was described in the house made it seem like a gem, a kernal of life in the otherwise dead house. The clothing strewn about (from laziness or need for a dog bed) leant a very human touch to the whole thing.

There was even only one typo I caught *sniffs, wipes away a tear*

Really my only complaint here was that I wanted about half a page more. This character/writer combination is one of those that could do a much longer work and not lose the interest of the reader or meander off the point and that's so rare.

[Vinny]

Jan 16, 2015 4:24:51 GMT -5 Laura Perelli said:

I wasn't around for the Murder...and the more I read your stuff, the more I wish I was. I've seen a lot of dark characters played, I've seen a lot of morbid and macabre gimmicks, and I'm always afraid they're eventually gonna become ... I don't necessarily wanna say faux-Undertakers, but that's what it usually boils down to. Which makes it all the more impressive that you manage to not only NOT become a faux-Undertaker, but actually, in doing so, kind of become scarier.

Every RP of yours I read, I get more impressed. Even to the point of the titles making me go "huh, okay, I gotta read it just to see where that comes from." The RP about him rescuing the dog, all the while talking about what's gonna happen in the next match, was simultaneously a kinda "d'aww, lookit the puppy" moment, and "wait, he can be THIS sketchy while holding a rescued puppy o.O"

This one, I loved the comparison of the Infinite Empire to empires of the past, and then the bit about "all empires are finite, by nature." Shaking up the last bit of the promo was a nice way of ending, too, especially after explaining Memento Mori and why he applied it to the IE.

I really don't have a critique, in the sense of "what can you improve in this RP," cuz frankly, it was just...great. It didn't drag on, it captured everything it needed to, and frankly it kinda made Drake feel like the Punisher--coming to get back at people who deserve it. The irony of it being "the Murder Lite" makes it even better.

10/10, would definitely recommend.

Thanks, Sam. You called out a lot of points that I was really shooting for; I was starting to worry that I was pushing Drake towards an Undertaker-esque gimmick with all the talk about being the wind and the sand, while waxing poetic about how all things eventually fall/die. And your Punisher comment definitely got me all excited to maybe push him a little in that direction.


Thanks again!

[Vinny]

Jan 16, 2015 9:03:56 GMT -5 Noelle Smith said:

Now Sam sees why my Aurora character wore a The Murder t-shirt in her promos I'm guessing
See, I'm a prognosticator... look at Noelle's last promo (the one prior to this week's). You'll see what I mean.

On to this current feedback: More of this please. I enjoyed the deft use of the poetry examples, and of course as mentioned one of them is a favorite poet so extra points there. I love the details, I'm a detail greedy-girl and there were plenty here without drifting off into the realm of purple prose.
For example, how the room he was living in was described in the house made it seem like a gem, a kernal of life in the otherwise dead house. The clothing strewn about (from laziness or need for a dog bed) leant a very human touch to the whole thing.

There was even only one typo I caught *sniffs, wipes away a tear*

Really my only complaint here was that I wanted about half a page more. This character/writer combination is one of those that could do a much longer work and not lose the interest of the reader or meander off the point and that's so rare.

You can take over for Riley as the president of my fan club.

You nailed exactly what I was going for with the house imagery. I made a lot of subtle description changes from the previous times I've used the Deer St. house. (What's ironic is the house that it's based on is currently being fixed as well: )



I also wanted to juxtapose the falling house being rebuild with the discussion of falling monuments and empires, the same way the one room (which is meant to have a womb-like quality, but I realize now I forgot to mention the orange glow) is juxtaposed to the rest of the house. 

I'd love to give you more, but 2,000 words is about all I can get out of Drake these days. Which is a lot more than I usually write.

Thanks for the love...

And what was my typo?!?!?!

[Noelle Smith]

humanity in our9 long and sordid history.
It was such a bitty one!

I also forgot to mention how the space heater to me, represented a new "beating heart" for the house

[Vinny]

Ahhh dammit. What's funny about that typo is I changed that one word like 4 or 5 times. I couldn't decide between saying "our history," "your history," or "its history." These are the kind of things I obsess over and then I go and do that, lol.

[Noelle Smith]

These feels, I know them well lol.