Xavier Daniels Feedy

[Deleted]

Will I be able to get some feedback on my first role play in about four months? I'd appreciate anything and everything positive or negative. That's how people improve right?

Click Me!

[Jensen Banks]

I thought it was pretty good. I think you missed a few commas here and there, but nothing off putting about this at all. I like the presenting of the past with the mention of EAW and Japan. Pretty good, John.

[Deleted]

Cheers buddy.

[Deleted]

Setting the scene. Nice. I can almost picture the scene, even if using a rooftop is slightly cliché (you'll never find me using one honest)

The introduction and history is a pleasing touch, although I felt slightly glossed over. You could have stretched this over a couple of rps, or lengthened the paragraphs to allow for greater detail.

Why was Xavier told he could never aspire to be a pro wrestler? How did he gain acceptance in EAW, who did he beat for the TV title? What was EAW? Was it a big promotion? Are we talking a WWE type place or an ROH, maybe smaller...although they wouldn't be on a European tour if they were smaller. So I'm to assume that EAW is somewhere between ROH and TNA or WWE, which begs the question how did someone who got told they shouldn't dream of being a wrestler gain a place there? Why was he even being trained if he was told he shouldn't?

Also 'English accent' is a very broad term. Cockney, Geordie, Mancunian, Scouse, Brummie, West Country? Details, John, I need details!

Japan was a huge step in my career, different language, culture and most importantly wrestling style.

Would work better if you had mentioned what wrestling style Xavier uses. (I haven't read your bio at this point, I admit)

I would have liked to see more match discussion, two paragraphs always seem like short changing to me. And I haven't read Shaun's rp yet, but I will criticize this because after reading it I have no desire to watch the match itself. You need to try and make the reader/viewer want to see Xavier overcome Johnny Blayze. Sell the shit out of Blayze as a legitimate opponent instead of short changing his few victories, especially since Xavier has done nothing here in FGA. Japan and a defunct fed are all well and good, but he's injured/recovering and your opponent just beat the UWL World Champion...do you want to dismiss that? That's not a face move. (He's face, right?)

Overall, I like the style. These little things come with time, like Vinny you're just getting the rust off. But I look forward to seeing how the character develops.

[Jensen Banks]

May 22, 2013 15:47:06 GMT -5 @blaineharrison said:

who did he beat for the TV title?

[Deleted]

Benny THANK YOU! that was probably the best feedback I have ever gotten. I'll be sure to take everything you have given me to make my future roleplays better. Thanks again.