So... Feedback?

[babybling]

This was my first rp in going on two years, so it's been a while. That being said, what did you all think?

[Vinny]

Hopefully this doesn't come off too harsh, but I know I personally get nothing from everyone telling me how good my RP is or what they liked about it. The only constructive criticism is, well, criticism. So here's something of the things I saw in your RP:

- "i" should be capitalized. I know it's a minor thing to nitpick, but every time I saw it that thought went off in my head. It distracted me the entire time I was reading your RP. There are other small grammatical flaws, if you're interested in them PM me, but the "i" thing is the only that actually distracts from the writing.

- If Baby Bling is a world-renowned star of pro wrestling, why is he wrestling in a small regional promotion like FGA? This is never addressed anywhere in your RP, and is the elephant in the room. If Baby Bling needs no introduction, why is he in a promotion that works in community centers, bingo halls, et cetera?

- Show, don't tell. This is something I make the mistake of doing all the time, but you refer to Beth Heaven as "beautiful" and "vivacious," but I still have no idea what she is supposed to look like. Blonde, brunette, redhead? It's a small thing, but without any actual description of the character, she's just a talking head floating in space to a reader. (As an extra note, this is less important with Bling because his appearance is not quantified, and doesn't need to be. We're more interested in his personality)

- Back to the "show, don't tell" thing: "long, passionate, and uncomfortable for those watching, type kiss." Why not just describe the kiss and make the reader feel uncomfortable instead of qualifying it as uncomfortable.

- Another elephant in the room: Beth Heaven mentions in passing she hasn't "been with" Baby Bling in four years... Given the way they're behaving together, that's kind of an atom bomb you just dropped. Why weren't they together? I've been assuming they're married given that she's in his house and they're making out all over the place. Granted dropping these sort of twists in can work really well if done subtly or with a tiny bit of explanation, but to just drop that sort of bomb in there and move right along is distracting for a reader.

- I'm not sure what the scene watching Benny Starr's matches adds. You've already established that Bling is an established star, you've established that he's arrogant (and will do so more in the meat of the RP), so I don't see the reason for including that scene.

- Another small note regarding the formatting and transition, that's not worth mentioning here but if you're interested, again, just PM me.

- About the transition, though: are we still in the nameless room with the 72" TV? I have to assume so because the scene "quickly shifts," but then the question is where did Beth Heaven disappear to? And since that previous scene was her last appearance in the RP, I'm not seeing why she needed to be involved at all.

- Adding that the company you were challenging for a title in has been "defunct for going on two years," doesn't really help the case you're trying to make. You can brag a lot more by lying through omission and omitting the fact that the aforementioned promotion no longer exists.

- For the trash talk, Baby Bling shouts a lot. Constantly, actually. Which is fine, and works for some people. My only question is if Bling is shouting now (all the exclamation points), what is going to happen when he has an opponent that he really has a beef with and not just some "no name asshole?" You've already tapped out your volume, unless the hypothetical promo is going to be all in CAPS.

- There's a point to be made about "no selling" the competition, but it's harder to articulate when you have a heel vs. heel match like this one. It's also not fair to nitpick it in your RP, because it's only a problem because it's so pervasive in FGA. The only guy selling right now is Blaine Harrison, and everyone else is just saying how much everyone else sucks (myself included, but that's actually part of Fallon's gimmick).

Sorry if I rambled a bit there, especially on the last point. Hope some of these things are helpful. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, or ask them here. I'd be happy to elaborate on any of the points.

Peace,
- V

[The Rogue]

I would just like to correct your observation there, Vin. Mike doesnt say everyone sucks. He has validated all of the FGA faithful's, especially Blaine. He just is arrogant enough to believe despite them all being good, he is better. I get what you are saying though. I never try to bury my opponent because then Tomkins looks awfully stupid when he loses. Not that that's a bad thing as he has a million and one excuses lined up, lol. Bling, i dont think i can add to his stuff. Was fun to read though,