The One About Betrayals and VHS (OTSS Epilogue Part 2)
Jun 18, 2019 12:42:07 GMT -5
Post by Delikado on Jun 18, 2019 12:42:07 GMT -5
The scene opens aboard the jet Prince Otto Sonsson and Eon Pig used to escape Only The Strong Survive. The giant talking bird is gazing out the window at the clouds, staring whimsically in the direction of the arena.
Eon Pig: Shame my lil bro Apoc got cooked back there, sqwak! Ah well, the rasslin’ game ain’t meant for errybody, guess that’s what you was gettin’ at abandonin’ yo pops to his future endeavoring, sqwak!
Prince Otto is in the process of sending out various text messages, hardly paying any attention and definitely showing no guilt over leaving his elderly father to be attacked by Butter on the field.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Who?
Case in point. Eon Pig shrugs off the question as he turns his feathery form to the young Swede.
Eon Pig: All I knows is dis, yo: withchu as my manager, I ain’t gonna make the same career mistakes them fools made, and I’ll be a STAR bird, sqwak!
Prince Otto Sonsson: Vat are you talking about? I’m not managing you. I am about zoo be a King, vit Kingly ambitions, zer is no place for a talking pigeon!
Eon Pig: Now c’mon, bro, ya’ll can’t possibly mean that, cuttin’ a pigeon to the quick like that, sqwak! Ya’ll was sayin’ bout how we was all gonna be a super faction of wrestling—sure, Apocalypse Face ain’t here no more, but that don’t mean we still can’t take over and rule the roost like straight bosses, sqwak! <BEEP> all da bitches, sqwak!
Otto’s eyes snap up irritably as he finishes sending his texts.
Prince Otto Sonsson: I am zee ONLY boss on zis ship, and you better come to terms vit zat quick like, you little monster. I already have clientele in mind, and zee plans to acquire zem are in motion as ve speak—you did not make zee cut. I vill allow you to fly vit me for all your helps…until I reach my next stop, zen you’re on your own.
Eon Pig nods in apparent acceptance of this swift dismissal of their earlier plans as he goes to look out the window again. However, it’s clear from his beady little pigeon eyes that he’s planning something else in lieu of being rejected.
Eon Pig: A’ight, I can respect dat I guess, sqwak. Pigeon didn’t make the cut, what else is new in dis species-ist world, sqwak? So, ya’ll be King, huh, ruler of all dis, sqwak? Like, what’s that down there, sqwak?
Otto gets up and goes over to look at the sights.
Prince Otto Sonsson: How zee hell should I know American geometry? I vill be King of Sweden! Still, zee American wrestling scene will come to know and fear me!
The jet suddenly rocks from mild turbulence, causing Otto to whimper and immediately pull on a parachute that’s hanging from the wall. Eon Pig, meanwhile, has stealthily gripped the handle to the jet’s door and begun to turn it just out of sight.
Eon Pig: Well check it, if ya don’t know the land, maybe ya should go down there and ASK ABOUT IT, SQWAK!
He swings the jet door open and immediately suction pulls on the pair! Prince Otto looks in horror at the opening in the jet and then to the bird.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Have you lost your mind?! Close zat door now!
Eon Pig: Maaaan, ya’ll ain’t da boss of me, sqwak! Not my manager, remember, sqwak? I didn’t make “the cut”, sqwak! But yo, lemme offer you some insight, since ya’ll bout to be a grown-ass man king or whatev, sqwak! See, my mama, when me and Apoc was just lil pig nubs, she pushed us outta the nest so that way we’d learn to fly and live on our own, sqwak! It was scary as shit, and maybe regular pigeons didn’t do that, but we was raised as pigeon/hawk hybrids, so things was different for us, and it made us better, sqwak!
Prince Otto Sonsson: Vat zee <BEEP> does zat have to do vith you trying zoo future endeavor us?!
As Otto inadvertently gets closer to Eon Pig, the giant pigeon grabs the young Swede by the collar and looks him in the eye.
Eon Pig: I’m sayin’ if ya’ll gonna be king, I gotta get you outta being a lil prince nub and push you outta the nest, sqwak!
And with that, Eon Pig throws Prince Otto from the jet, making the young man scream in the highest pitch voice imaginable.
Eon Pig: Long live da King, sqwak!
He stares out of the opening and watches Otto for a few moments. Finally, the parachute is seen to open and the prince safely sails to land. Eon Pig rolls his eyes and shuts the jet door. He turns to the pilot and nods as he notices the man’s dumbfounded expression.
Eon Pig: Yo, driver, take me over the horizon, sqwak! I got a solo wrestling career to kick-start, and the world’s my arena, sqwak!
Sofia Monzón stands looking over her son Hector’s cradle. She exhales softly as the infant sleeps, then she looks over to the bed in the room, finding Ewan sprawled out doing the exact same thing, only with a lot more drool. The Spaniard reaches into her pocket and removes Susan Kent’s “olive branch” letter from Only The Strong Survive, and she reads it over to herself for like the umpteenth time. Sofia closes her eyes in something resembling acceptance, then pockets the letter. She leans down and kisses her son’s head, whispering gently as she does.
Sofia Monzón: Mom’s gotta go to work. Hold the fort down.
She looks toward the snoring Ewan and cocks an eyebrow of mild amusement. With a sigh, Sofia exits the room.
~The Next Day~
Ewan Jakeway is entering some kind of VHS store (you know because there’s VHS tapes all over the walls) in the midst of a phonecall.
Ewan Jakeway: Alright, Butter, take care, my friend! I hope you and Nut and Pea have lots of fun rebuilding your tree-person inhabited village now that you got your revenge on that Swedish king!
Butter: Aye, thank yeh, and I hope you and your comatose Cuban succeed in in his “de-aging campaign”! FGA will come to fear “de pinky dat was promised”, I reckon!
Ewan hangs up and smiles.
Ewan Jakeway: What a weird character.
Cut to Butter as he hangs up his phone and smiles.
Butter: What a weird character.
Back to Ewan as he nods to the figure at the counter.
Ewan Jakeway: Hey, Broq!
The man, dressed in an ancient-looking friar’s robe like something right out of the medieval times, turns around and immediately blurts out in an angry stereotypical Asian tone.
Bloq: I tell you afore, my name Bloq, not Broq, Bloq!
Ewan Jakeway: Oh, right, sorry! Anyway, I was wondering if you could do some more video transferring work for me? I want to surprise Sofia for her birthday by getting her a VHS compilation of recordings I made of all the times I almost met Hugh Jackman!
Bloq: Course I can, I am Bloq, one of the most famous VHS transferrers in the land. In fact, I am the ONLY VHS transferrer left in the land! Of course, that job no sound as exciting as the last one, your FGA chronicles…
Ewan frowns in disappointment at being reminded of his last attempt to compile FGA footage into one VHS so Delikado could study it in prep for career advancement.
Ewan Jakeway: Yeaaaah, that was a good piece of work, or at least I imagine it would’ve been if the footage hadn’t been strangely destroyed before we could even watch it once!
Bloq: Oh, that no problem, I save it!
Ewan Jakeway: Y-You did?
Bloq: Sure, it was captivating to me so I kept copy for, eh, personal use. I make you new one if you like?
Ewan Jakeway: Wow, thank you, Mr. Ruster, that would be an awesome help!
Bloq: Not Ruster, BUSTER! I Mr. Buster! Get that through head!
Bloq heads off to the back to grab the FGA footage, rambling aloud as he does.
Bloq: Yes, yes, FGA footage quite good. Lot of very lovely shoulders in company. I have shoulder fetish, you know. Love to admire them, and FGA give me many hours of enjoyment! Especially Susan Kent lady, very pretty, shoulders like a goddess!
Ewan Jakeway: Oh…umm…okay.
Bloq: Yes, yes, hmm, such drama I experienced when thinking Susan Kent shoulder was injured, but then when I found out it was never injured to begin with I experience much relief and happiness! Scarring on shoulder like that would’ve been travesty, and I—
Ewan stops Bloq as the Asian returns with the VHS tape in hand. A curious look crosses his face.
Ewan Jakeway: W…What do you mean Susan Kent’s shoulder was never injured…?
Bloq: Is like I say, story made up.
Ewan’s mind is clearly jumping around as he tries to figure out what Bloq is saying.
Ewan Jakeway: So, wait…Susan Kent? “Partner to my client Delikado” Susan Kent?
Bloq: Yes! Yes! She lie! Oh my Khan, do you not pay attention? Here, I show you footage, because I never can refuse a good shoulder admiring session!
Bloq puts the VHS into a VCR and turns on a TV siting atop the counter. He fast forwards through various FGA footage as Ewan stares in anticipation at the screen. We see a lot of Delikado sitting. And sitting. And sitting. And—wait, is that a move? No, just more Delikado sitting footage. Finally, we land on a previously seen recording of Susan Kent and her friends. This particular one comes from Revelations.
Ewan Jakeway: W-Well that’s rude and somewhat cryptic, but it might not…
Bloq: Shh, I’m admiring shoulders!
He fast forwards through some more footage, landing on another piece from the Vertigo 65 Afterburn
Ewan Jakeway: M-Maybe they just like using air quotes…And “f-f-figure out” what…?
One more time on the fast-forwarding. This time we go as far back as Winter Frontier.
Bloq pauses the video so that he can admire Susan’s shoulder, giving Ewan time to sit there and contemplate this shocking reveal. Grief-stricken, he places his face in his hands.
Ewan Jakeway: She…She was faking the injury the whole time, mocking us despite our friendship, and milking us like a…like a…like an almond!
Bloq: …What?
Ewan Jakeway: *groan* Sofia was right all along. What’ll she do when she finds out? To Susan…to Delikado…to ME! Good grief…
Bloq: Oh yes, hmm, there was something about that on last Supershow. I recorded it myself so I could stare at more delicious shoulders! Here, I show you.
He zips through to some of the final footage on the tape, showing Only The Strong Survive where Sofia is receiving and reading the letter from Susan Kent. Ewan looks confused as he tries to understand what he’s watching.
Bloq: See, Sofia got letter penned in Susan Kent’s name…I skip to relevant part, no charge!
Bloq: …But all not as it would seem in shoulder land, oh ho ho!
He forwards to the end of the segment where the letter is revealed to be a set up mailed by the carrier pigeons Eon Pig and Apocalypse Face.
The footage goes to static, sending Ewan into immediate panic mode.
Ewan Jakeway: Sofia! I-I-I have to tell her! It’s gotta be some kinda trick! Where did she go, though?! She just left a note on the counter saying she was going out!
Bloq: Ahem, I got that.
He rewinds the footage to that last clip, showing the camera recording Sofia had a pretty convenient [see: contrived] angle not just of her shoulders (for Bloq), but also the address on the letter.
Ewan Jakeway: Ah, convenient! Wait, INconvenient, because this is all bad news! I have to call Sofia and warn her!
Bloq: NO PHONES ALLOWED IN STORE!! I no want you recording my things and taking away customers!
Pan around the store to reveal the only customers that might’ve been here in the last few years are dust bunnies and colonies of spiderwebs. Ewan rushes out of the store, phone in-hand, only to trip and faceplant, sending his phone flying into an open sewer. He starts to go for it, only for a clownish giggle to greet him, and he backpedals on that idea.
Ewan Jakeway: Lousy sewer clowns! Whatever, I have the address so I’ll just get in my car and—
Pulling out his car keys, Ewan holds them up and has them immediately snatched out of his hand by a clown flying past on a hang glider. He gapes as the clown sails away with a giggle.
Ewan Jakeway: Lousy hang-glider clowns! Whatever, my car is old and Sofia taught me how to hotwire one like in the movies, so I’ll just break the window and—
A group of clowns riding on massive mutant/robot hybrid badgers stampede past and immediately flip Ewan’s car over, destroying it in the process. He gapes as the clowns ride away on their badgers with giggles, then he drops to his knees and screams to the sky.
Ewan Jakeway: LOUSY MUTANT/ROBOT HYBRID BADGER-RIDING CLOWNS! THE PROMOTION FOR “IT CHAPTER TWO” IS RIDICULOUS!!! Ohh, I’ll never get there now!
?: Not with that attitude, Ewan!
Ewan turns to find Harriet Tubman standing on the sidewalk.
Ewan Jakeway: Harriet Tubman…?
Cynthia Erivo: No, I’m just Cynthia Erivo, out here to promote the upcoming biographical film “Harriet”, set to release on November 1. I was trying to outdo the IT Chapter Two promotion when I heard about your problem, Ewan. You’ve got to get to Sofia and let her know Susan Kent is a straight up fake!
Ewan Jakeway: But how Cynthia Erivo?
Cynthia Erivo: By using the Underground Railroad!
She points to a wagon being pulled by a horse, apparently for smuggling people.
Cynthia Erivo: The conductor will take you where you need to go. Get going, Ewan, before the slavery of Susan Kent’s wickedness drags you all into harm’s way!
Ewan wastes no time asking questions as he hops onto the wagon with the conductor and they begin to ride away.
Cynthia Erivo: Hold up! Ain’t you gonna promote my movie?!
Ewan Jakeway: Uhhh, sure…everyone please go see Harriet when it comes out in November, starring Cynthia Erivo. Now onward! I’m coming Sofia!!! DON’T TRUST SUSAN KENT! SHE’S A FAAAAAAAAKE!
Ewan puts on a dramatic face as he prepares for the clash that must be coming with this plot twist. The wagon rushes off into the distance as we dramatically cut to black.
Eon Pig: Shame my lil bro Apoc got cooked back there, sqwak! Ah well, the rasslin’ game ain’t meant for errybody, guess that’s what you was gettin’ at abandonin’ yo pops to his future endeavoring, sqwak!
Prince Otto is in the process of sending out various text messages, hardly paying any attention and definitely showing no guilt over leaving his elderly father to be attacked by Butter on the field.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Who?
Case in point. Eon Pig shrugs off the question as he turns his feathery form to the young Swede.
Eon Pig: All I knows is dis, yo: withchu as my manager, I ain’t gonna make the same career mistakes them fools made, and I’ll be a STAR bird, sqwak!
Prince Otto Sonsson: Vat are you talking about? I’m not managing you. I am about zoo be a King, vit Kingly ambitions, zer is no place for a talking pigeon!
Eon Pig: Now c’mon, bro, ya’ll can’t possibly mean that, cuttin’ a pigeon to the quick like that, sqwak! Ya’ll was sayin’ bout how we was all gonna be a super faction of wrestling—sure, Apocalypse Face ain’t here no more, but that don’t mean we still can’t take over and rule the roost like straight bosses, sqwak! <BEEP> all da bitches, sqwak!
Otto’s eyes snap up irritably as he finishes sending his texts.
Prince Otto Sonsson: I am zee ONLY boss on zis ship, and you better come to terms vit zat quick like, you little monster. I already have clientele in mind, and zee plans to acquire zem are in motion as ve speak—you did not make zee cut. I vill allow you to fly vit me for all your helps…until I reach my next stop, zen you’re on your own.
Eon Pig nods in apparent acceptance of this swift dismissal of their earlier plans as he goes to look out the window again. However, it’s clear from his beady little pigeon eyes that he’s planning something else in lieu of being rejected.
Eon Pig: A’ight, I can respect dat I guess, sqwak. Pigeon didn’t make the cut, what else is new in dis species-ist world, sqwak? So, ya’ll be King, huh, ruler of all dis, sqwak? Like, what’s that down there, sqwak?
Otto gets up and goes over to look at the sights.
Prince Otto Sonsson: How zee hell should I know American geometry? I vill be King of Sweden! Still, zee American wrestling scene will come to know and fear me!
The jet suddenly rocks from mild turbulence, causing Otto to whimper and immediately pull on a parachute that’s hanging from the wall. Eon Pig, meanwhile, has stealthily gripped the handle to the jet’s door and begun to turn it just out of sight.
Eon Pig: Well check it, if ya don’t know the land, maybe ya should go down there and ASK ABOUT IT, SQWAK!
He swings the jet door open and immediately suction pulls on the pair! Prince Otto looks in horror at the opening in the jet and then to the bird.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Have you lost your mind?! Close zat door now!
Eon Pig: Maaaan, ya’ll ain’t da boss of me, sqwak! Not my manager, remember, sqwak? I didn’t make “the cut”, sqwak! But yo, lemme offer you some insight, since ya’ll bout to be a grown-ass man king or whatev, sqwak! See, my mama, when me and Apoc was just lil pig nubs, she pushed us outta the nest so that way we’d learn to fly and live on our own, sqwak! It was scary as shit, and maybe regular pigeons didn’t do that, but we was raised as pigeon/hawk hybrids, so things was different for us, and it made us better, sqwak!
Prince Otto Sonsson: Vat zee <BEEP> does zat have to do vith you trying zoo future endeavor us?!
As Otto inadvertently gets closer to Eon Pig, the giant pigeon grabs the young Swede by the collar and looks him in the eye.
Eon Pig: I’m sayin’ if ya’ll gonna be king, I gotta get you outta being a lil prince nub and push you outta the nest, sqwak!
And with that, Eon Pig throws Prince Otto from the jet, making the young man scream in the highest pitch voice imaginable.
Eon Pig: Long live da King, sqwak!
He stares out of the opening and watches Otto for a few moments. Finally, the parachute is seen to open and the prince safely sails to land. Eon Pig rolls his eyes and shuts the jet door. He turns to the pilot and nods as he notices the man’s dumbfounded expression.
Eon Pig: Yo, driver, take me over the horizon, sqwak! I got a solo wrestling career to kick-start, and the world’s my arena, sqwak!
(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)
Sofia Monzón stands looking over her son Hector’s cradle. She exhales softly as the infant sleeps, then she looks over to the bed in the room, finding Ewan sprawled out doing the exact same thing, only with a lot more drool. The Spaniard reaches into her pocket and removes Susan Kent’s “olive branch” letter from Only The Strong Survive, and she reads it over to herself for like the umpteenth time. Sofia closes her eyes in something resembling acceptance, then pockets the letter. She leans down and kisses her son’s head, whispering gently as she does.
Sofia Monzón: Mom’s gotta go to work. Hold the fort down.
She looks toward the snoring Ewan and cocks an eyebrow of mild amusement. With a sigh, Sofia exits the room.
~The Next Day~
Ewan Jakeway is entering some kind of VHS store (you know because there’s VHS tapes all over the walls) in the midst of a phonecall.
Ewan Jakeway: Alright, Butter, take care, my friend! I hope you and Nut and Pea have lots of fun rebuilding your tree-person inhabited village now that you got your revenge on that Swedish king!
Butter: Aye, thank yeh, and I hope you and your comatose Cuban succeed in in his “de-aging campaign”! FGA will come to fear “de pinky dat was promised”, I reckon!
Ewan hangs up and smiles.
Ewan Jakeway: What a weird character.
Cut to Butter as he hangs up his phone and smiles.
Butter: What a weird character.
Back to Ewan as he nods to the figure at the counter.
Ewan Jakeway: Hey, Broq!
The man, dressed in an ancient-looking friar’s robe like something right out of the medieval times, turns around and immediately blurts out in an angry stereotypical Asian tone.
Bloq: I tell you afore, my name Bloq, not Broq, Bloq!
Ewan Jakeway: Oh, right, sorry! Anyway, I was wondering if you could do some more video transferring work for me? I want to surprise Sofia for her birthday by getting her a VHS compilation of recordings I made of all the times I almost met Hugh Jackman!
Bloq: Course I can, I am Bloq, one of the most famous VHS transferrers in the land. In fact, I am the ONLY VHS transferrer left in the land! Of course, that job no sound as exciting as the last one, your FGA chronicles…
Ewan frowns in disappointment at being reminded of his last attempt to compile FGA footage into one VHS so Delikado could study it in prep for career advancement.
Ewan Jakeway: Yeaaaah, that was a good piece of work, or at least I imagine it would’ve been if the footage hadn’t been strangely destroyed before we could even watch it once!
Bloq: Oh, that no problem, I save it!
Ewan Jakeway: Y-You did?
Bloq: Sure, it was captivating to me so I kept copy for, eh, personal use. I make you new one if you like?
Ewan Jakeway: Wow, thank you, Mr. Ruster, that would be an awesome help!
Bloq: Not Ruster, BUSTER! I Mr. Buster! Get that through head!
Bloq heads off to the back to grab the FGA footage, rambling aloud as he does.
Bloq: Yes, yes, FGA footage quite good. Lot of very lovely shoulders in company. I have shoulder fetish, you know. Love to admire them, and FGA give me many hours of enjoyment! Especially Susan Kent lady, very pretty, shoulders like a goddess!
Ewan Jakeway: Oh…umm…okay.
Bloq: Yes, yes, hmm, such drama I experienced when thinking Susan Kent shoulder was injured, but then when I found out it was never injured to begin with I experience much relief and happiness! Scarring on shoulder like that would’ve been travesty, and I—
Ewan stops Bloq as the Asian returns with the VHS tape in hand. A curious look crosses his face.
Ewan Jakeway: W…What do you mean Susan Kent’s shoulder was never injured…?
Bloq: Is like I say, story made up.
Ewan’s mind is clearly jumping around as he tries to figure out what Bloq is saying.
Ewan Jakeway: So, wait…Susan Kent? “Partner to my client Delikado” Susan Kent?
Bloq: Yes! Yes! She lie! Oh my Khan, do you not pay attention? Here, I show you footage, because I never can refuse a good shoulder admiring session!
Bloq puts the VHS into a VCR and turns on a TV siting atop the counter. He fast forwards through various FGA footage as Ewan stares in anticipation at the screen. We see a lot of Delikado sitting. And sitting. And sitting. And—wait, is that a move? No, just more Delikado sitting footage. Finally, we land on a previously seen recording of Susan Kent and her friends. This particular one comes from Revelations.
Kendra Hollis: --it’s great to be away from the creep Delikado, and Sofia, I definitely thinks she’s up to something involving you Susan, I personally think she’s jealous of the attention that old fart is giving you, and is looking for any reason to get you out of the way, it’s a good she hasn’t found out about your shoulder.
Susan Kent: My shoulder was injured.
Kendra, Susan, and Dana laugh.
Dana Wheeler: And “Dr. Cruise” helped you heal it up.
Susan Kent: He’s actually pretty good at that though.
Kendra Hollis: Oh I have no doubt.
Susan Kent: Yeah.
Kendra Hollis: So this alliance with captain vegetable is working out better than I thought it would. You have Delikado eating out of your hand and the old dope is none the wiser--
Susan Kent: My shoulder was injured.
Kendra, Susan, and Dana laugh.
Dana Wheeler: And “Dr. Cruise” helped you heal it up.
Susan Kent: He’s actually pretty good at that though.
Kendra Hollis: Oh I have no doubt.
Susan Kent: Yeah.
Kendra Hollis: So this alliance with captain vegetable is working out better than I thought it would. You have Delikado eating out of your hand and the old dope is none the wiser--
Ewan Jakeway: W-Well that’s rude and somewhat cryptic, but it might not…
Bloq: Shh, I’m admiring shoulders!
He fast forwards through some more footage, landing on another piece from the Vertigo 65 Afterburn
The camera catches Susan walking backstage stretching and wrenching her left shoulder, she walks around the corner into the view of Kendra and Dana.
Kendra: WTF!!!
Susan: Don't worry I'm fine I didn't injure my shoulder again.
Kendra: Right "Injure".
Susan: We need to stop doing that, you don't know where Sofia or any of her goons are, she' s just looking for an excuse you know.
Kendra: But between us, if she was a smart as she thinks she is she would have figured it out weeks ago.
Susan: Yeah, but can't be too careful.
Kendra: WTF!!!
Susan: Don't worry I'm fine I didn't injure my shoulder again.
Kendra: Right "Injure".
Susan: We need to stop doing that, you don't know where Sofia or any of her goons are, she' s just looking for an excuse you know.
Kendra: But between us, if she was a smart as she thinks she is she would have figured it out weeks ago.
Susan: Yeah, but can't be too careful.
Ewan Jakeway: M-Maybe they just like using air quotes…And “f-f-figure out” what…?
One more time on the fast-forwarding. This time we go as far back as Winter Frontier.
Kendra Hollis: This is why we need to milk this new friendship of yours with Delikado. Look at this parking space.
Dana Wheeler: You think it’s really a good idea to take advantage of the guy?
Susan is about to step out of the car when Dana looks at her.
Dana Wheeler: Left.
Susan chuckles and moves the sling from her right arm to the left.
Susan Kent: Thanks.
Dana Wheeler: You think it’s really a good idea to take advantage of the guy?
Susan is about to step out of the car when Dana looks at her.
Dana Wheeler: Left.
Susan chuckles and moves the sling from her right arm to the left.
Susan Kent: Thanks.
Bloq pauses the video so that he can admire Susan’s shoulder, giving Ewan time to sit there and contemplate this shocking reveal. Grief-stricken, he places his face in his hands.
Ewan Jakeway: She…She was faking the injury the whole time, mocking us despite our friendship, and milking us like a…like a…like an almond!
Bloq: …What?
Ewan Jakeway: *groan* Sofia was right all along. What’ll she do when she finds out? To Susan…to Delikado…to ME! Good grief…
Bloq: Oh yes, hmm, there was something about that on last Supershow. I recorded it myself so I could stare at more delicious shoulders! Here, I show you.
He zips through to some of the final footage on the tape, showing Only The Strong Survive where Sofia is receiving and reading the letter from Susan Kent. Ewan looks confused as he tries to understand what he’s watching.
Bloq: See, Sofia got letter penned in Susan Kent’s name…I skip to relevant part, no charge!
Sofia Monzón: “Let us use Only The Strong Survive as a starting point to reinvent our relationship. I know Delikado has a post-Supershow “duel” with that strange vegan man he’s been plotting against almost since the day our paths crossed, and I know you will be there to see him through the challenge, but I’m hoping once that’s all said and done you will meet me at the address attached to this letter. Let us work hard to be absolutely honest and trusting with one another at last.
Sincerely,
Susan Kent.
P.S. Keep this a secret from Delikado and Ewan, at least until we’ve had time to talk face-to-face.”
Sincerely,
Susan Kent.
P.S. Keep this a secret from Delikado and Ewan, at least until we’ve had time to talk face-to-face.”
Bloq: …But all not as it would seem in shoulder land, oh ho ho!
He forwards to the end of the segment where the letter is revealed to be a set up mailed by the carrier pigeons Eon Pig and Apocalypse Face.
Apocalypse Face: Yo, think she bought it, bro, sqwak?
Eon Pig: Hook, line, and sinker, sqwak!
Eon Pig: Hook, line, and sinker, sqwak!
The footage goes to static, sending Ewan into immediate panic mode.
Ewan Jakeway: Sofia! I-I-I have to tell her! It’s gotta be some kinda trick! Where did she go, though?! She just left a note on the counter saying she was going out!
Bloq: Ahem, I got that.
He rewinds the footage to that last clip, showing the camera recording Sofia had a pretty convenient [see: contrived] angle not just of her shoulders (for Bloq), but also the address on the letter.
Ewan Jakeway: Ah, convenient! Wait, INconvenient, because this is all bad news! I have to call Sofia and warn her!
Bloq: NO PHONES ALLOWED IN STORE!! I no want you recording my things and taking away customers!
Pan around the store to reveal the only customers that might’ve been here in the last few years are dust bunnies and colonies of spiderwebs. Ewan rushes out of the store, phone in-hand, only to trip and faceplant, sending his phone flying into an open sewer. He starts to go for it, only for a clownish giggle to greet him, and he backpedals on that idea.
Ewan Jakeway: Lousy sewer clowns! Whatever, I have the address so I’ll just get in my car and—
Pulling out his car keys, Ewan holds them up and has them immediately snatched out of his hand by a clown flying past on a hang glider. He gapes as the clown sails away with a giggle.
Ewan Jakeway: Lousy hang-glider clowns! Whatever, my car is old and Sofia taught me how to hotwire one like in the movies, so I’ll just break the window and—
A group of clowns riding on massive mutant/robot hybrid badgers stampede past and immediately flip Ewan’s car over, destroying it in the process. He gapes as the clowns ride away on their badgers with giggles, then he drops to his knees and screams to the sky.
Ewan Jakeway: LOUSY MUTANT/ROBOT HYBRID BADGER-RIDING CLOWNS! THE PROMOTION FOR “IT CHAPTER TWO” IS RIDICULOUS!!! Ohh, I’ll never get there now!
?: Not with that attitude, Ewan!
Ewan turns to find Harriet Tubman standing on the sidewalk.
Ewan Jakeway: Harriet Tubman…?
Cynthia Erivo: No, I’m just Cynthia Erivo, out here to promote the upcoming biographical film “Harriet”, set to release on November 1. I was trying to outdo the IT Chapter Two promotion when I heard about your problem, Ewan. You’ve got to get to Sofia and let her know Susan Kent is a straight up fake!
Ewan Jakeway: But how Cynthia Erivo?
Cynthia Erivo: By using the Underground Railroad!
She points to a wagon being pulled by a horse, apparently for smuggling people.
Cynthia Erivo: The conductor will take you where you need to go. Get going, Ewan, before the slavery of Susan Kent’s wickedness drags you all into harm’s way!
Ewan wastes no time asking questions as he hops onto the wagon with the conductor and they begin to ride away.
Cynthia Erivo: Hold up! Ain’t you gonna promote my movie?!
Ewan Jakeway: Uhhh, sure…everyone please go see Harriet when it comes out in November, starring Cynthia Erivo. Now onward! I’m coming Sofia!!! DON’T TRUST SUSAN KENT! SHE’S A FAAAAAAAAKE!
Ewan puts on a dramatic face as he prepares for the clash that must be coming with this plot twist. The wagon rushes off into the distance as we dramatically cut to black.
TO BE CONTINUED