Birds of a Resistance Feather

[Delikado]

***The following takes place shortly after the Vertigo Episode 65 AfterBurn***

“Prince” Otto Sonsson sits with his father “King” Son Gustav on their makeshift thrones as Frik Snackey stands off by the side, all three watching as the same European men who were pummeled by the hippies at The Resistance’s Parking Lotta Fun shamble into the room. They create a strange picture, bearing marks of a beating yet also stains of graffitied words saying “PEACE AND LOVE” all along their bodies. The lead man, Johnny Sköld, bows weakly to the Swedish wrestling royalty, his face dripping with Sauerkraut juice.

Johnny Sköld: Your Majesty, ve ver ambushed an—

Prince Otto holds his hand up for silence and makes a face of one who’s being bugged about something.

Prince Otto: My father has said he does not vish to hear of zit. I vill “ass-zoo-me” you ver going to say you ver attacked by ze hippie men at zee park, zee ones suspected of laziness and loyalty to zee “Koo-ban” I told you to investigate.

Johnny Sköld: Yesh, my Prince, and zey wanted us to tell you some-ting.

Prince Otto: Forget it, I do not care vat flashily dressed hobos have to say, especially since I reckon it is nothing but insults or love note “ess-pressions” to zee “Koo-ban” Deli. Get out of my sight, bevore my father order me to future endeavor you all vit my scooter—you reek of veed and sausage anyvay!

The Swedes nod and hurry out of the room. Otto groans in further irritation as he hops off his throne and snaps his fingers. His scooter valet brings him his scooter and he wheels it around the room, looking like he’s thinking hard about something. Frik Snackey watches him silently while the “King” Son appears to have been asleep this whole time, only slightly stirring every so often to “hmm” and grunt to clear his throat.

Prince Otto: Zee scooter wheels are alvays turning, Snackman, alvays carrying us forward. Zey can crush much, provided you are zee one controlling zee scooter, making one sleek, stylish, vit a sexiness bordering on ruthlessness, vouldn’t you agree?

Frik Snackey: …I suppose.

The snobby royal rolls himself toward the giant and looks up at him.

Prince Otto: You know about zee ruthlessness, I know, but at present I need you at my side to “ess-plain” zee FGA American vrestling game to me. You are like my ambassador to zee company.

Snackey looks off to the side.

Frik Snackey: *mumbling to himself* More like I’m your slave you don’t trust to leave alone…

Prince Otto: But zis is Supershow time! Revelations is just around zee corner, and I need some kind of BIG display if my Svedish brand is to take zee world by storm!

Frik Snackey: Well, aren’t your cousins Ragnar and Gunnar going to speak about their opponents at some point? Maybe The Resistance addressing all the nonsense that’s going on will lessen the impact of things. Put the focus on them and their mission. Delikado's won his matches against them so far, and Susan Kent is no shabby wrestler herself, so we need to think about hyping them up and taking the momentum back with an interview or a--

Prince Otto: No, no, zey vill not speak. My cousins are strong, tis true, but zey are not men of words like I vas bleshed to be. Zer actions at the three-man tag vill speak for zemselves.

Frik Snackey: So…nothing then? What about Ambrose or—

Prince Otto: Zey do not have a pony in zis fight, zey are not REAL Resistance like me or my kin, or even like you. Ve vant to crush zee “Koo-ban” and his peoples.

Frik Snackey: And where’s The Fam fit in all of this…?

Prince Otto: Vat do you mean? My father is over zere!

He points to his sleeping father, making it clear to Snackey that the young man has no idea what he meant when asking about The Fam, or possibly even who The Fam is. Otto strokes his chin in further thought.

Prince Otto: Anyvay, Revelations is zee stage to impress, and I do not vant MY Parking Lotta Fun being hazarded by flashy hobos vhile zee vrestling vorld is vatching, you know vhat I mean? Ve must clean zis mess up and teach a lesson zat zee “Koo-ban’s” Park is ours and he is about to be crushed by The Resistance! Still, I cannot send my people zere because zey vill immediately be recognized vit zere lovely “accidents” in speaking, plus between us most of zem are too idiotic to do zee job right. Zen even zough I know you have zee angry sugar power to handle zis if I let you go, you are, how you say, “bock-clocked” from approaching Delikado and his people?

Ignoring the incorrect word usage Snackey nods, still harboring that bitter grudge.

Frik Snackey: Yes, FGA management has officially banned me from having any direct involvement with Delikado or his managers.

Otto strokes his scooter handle reflectively.

Prince Otto: So zere ve have it—the wheels of our scooter cannot roll over zis pothole so easily, denying us zee easy crush ve seek, begging zee question how ve get by zis angle and vin?

?: Sqwak!

Both men turn their heads to find two pigeons sitting at a windowsill looking into the room. An idea seems to cross Snackey’s mind as he grins fiendishly.

Frik Snackey: We fly over it.

Snackey opens the window and the pigeons look up at the giant. It quickly becomes apparent we’ve seen these birds before, and also heard them, as members of Delikado’s Carrier Pigeon Mafia system for getting info in FGA.

Carrier Pigeon A: Yo, you got any more of that fine AF food, sqwak?

Carrier Pigeon B: Yeah, that AF fancy feastin’ food stuffs from Swaziland or whatever, sqwak!

Frik Snackey: If you mean the food from Sweden, I believe we do. Prince Otto?

Otto shrugs and makes a slightly concerned face.

Prince Otto: Ve do have a few vittles left, zo due to zee logistics of getting food from zee homeland being zee bitch, ve’re on zee last little bits and have resorted to rationing…

Frik Snackey: Bring them here for our guests—it’ll be worth it, I promise.

Prince Otto: ….Fine, but you better have some kinda a plan, Snackman.

After the Prince snaps his fingers and summons up the last of the Swedish treats, it’s given to the pigeons and they begin to feast upon it more like savage wolves than cautious birds while Snackey lectures them.

Frik Snackey: At great risk to yourselves as two-timing carrier pigeon servants to Delikado you two have helped me quite a lot in my mission—info on Delikado’s plans, where he’s been living, little tidbits here and there--for whatever reasons that’re yours to know alone.

Carrier Pigeon A: Maaaan, you want reasons, sqwak? That “bee-otch” Sofia always abusin’ and threatenin’ us, all while we get borderline scraps, make it a hard life in the carrier pigeon game, sqwak! Hot DAYM dis gravy tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, sqwak!

Carrier Pigeon B: Yeah, no respect for the pigeon game, sqwak! Thought Delikado liked us, since he teach us how to talk ‘n shit, but naaaah beeeee, we just grunts and no equals apparently, sqwak. Mmmmmmm, bro, bro, lissen me, I do it all for this cookie, sqwak!

Frik Snackey: Good to know, because I’m going to ask something major of you now.

He looks the two pigeons over, noticing how though they’re clearly brothers one of them [Pigeon A] is bigger and shadier, looking a bizarre hybrid of pigeon and possibly eagle, the type of bird who’s clearly seen a lot of stuff over the years—his faded tattoos reveal a hardened pigeon if there ever was one.

Frik Snackey: Instead of retrieving information, I want you two pigeons to head to the frontline and fight. Do you think you can do that?

Carrier Pigeon A: Ain’t no thing but a pigeon’s wing, we saw action in ‘Nam, sqwak!

Carrier Pigeon B: Anything that need done doing, we done done it, son, and would done do it again, provided the food’s right, sqwak!

Frik Snackey: Excellent! And of course I’ll make it worth your while. See, I have some credit as an FGA alumni, going back to the very beginning as the company’s food purveyor, and I am certain I can get you both signed with the business.

Carrier Pigeon A: Us, wrestle in a company? Maaaaan, you trippin’, sqwak!

Carrier Pigeon B: Yeah, yeah, you trippin’, sqwak! Them FGA haters wouldn’t take us in, sqwak!

Frik Snackey: Why not? There’s been a lot of animals and animal-like things in wrestling before. Bears, snakes, lizard people, the list goes on so why not add some talking pigeons? You two are bigger than the average bird anyhow, give you some roids and you can achieve greatness…and with greatness comes food the likes of which you’ve NEVER tasted before. The FGA will be head over heels in love with you. Cast off your labels of “Carrier Pigeon A-Z” and be what you want!

The two pigeon brothers exchange looks and then smile deviously in agreement.

Carrier Pigeon A: We can be anything we want, sqwak? Yo, then I’mma cast and cut this “Pigeon” name backwards and be Eon Pig, sqwak!

Carrier Pigeon B: Heheeee, oh, oh, and I’mma go by the name Apocalypse Face the...the Dread Bird, sqwak!

Cut to a man in a suit sitting in a recliner by the fireplace. He puffs on a pipe and looks to the camera.

Scientist: Hello. Welcome to Bird Trivia. I’m a bird scientist, specializing in pigeons. Now, you may not be aware of this, but carrier pigeons are notorious for picking terrible names once they’ve been offered wrestling careers. Now you know. This has been Bird Trivia. Have a good night.

Cut back to the action. Snackey smiles and nods at the pigeon’s proclamations.

Frik Snackey: Very good. I’ll see your contracts are written and signed up just in time for Revelations. Meanwhile, here’s what you must do, in cahoots with our group The Resistance, to see that Delikado and his batch of rogues finally fall to justice…

The scene fades out, but quickly blasts open to an overhead shot of The Resistance’s Parking Lotta Fun, in Tampa for Revelations.

***Day of Revelations***

Similarly to the AfterBurn at Episode 65, some European men approach the ticket booth run by a hippie.

European Man: Hello, ve vould like tickets to zee Park, please.

The hippie looks up at them from his “Vegan Monthly” magazine and cocks an eyebrow.

Hippie Leader: …Oh, this again, huh? Well, what’ve you fellas to trade?

European Man: Ve’re not trading. Either you vork zis park like a business, as The Resistance demands, or ve vill march in and have our fun vitout you!

Hippie Leader: Is that so? I guess The Resistance didn’t fully get our message the first time.

He pulls out a flute and blows a little ditty. Quickly several more hippies rush out ready for action. Meanwhile, the two carrier pigeons Eon Pig and Apocalypse Face are nestled with several hundred Swedes nearby, hiding behind cars and shifting around the grounds of the Amalie Arena.

Eon Pig: Hell yeah, the decoy’s working, sqwak! Now we just wait on them lamebrain weed mofos to concentrate around ‘em and lose sight of what matters, as lamebrain weed mofos does, sqwak!

Apocalypse Face: Hehe, yeaaaaah boiiiiii, talkin’ bout dat PINCER MOVEMENT, sqwak! Wuuuut wuuuuut….It is a pincer movement we’re doing, right, bro, sqwak?

Eon Pig: Course it is, didn’t you get the message, bro, sqwak?

Apocalypse Face: Maaaan, I don’t need to get no messages no more, sqwak! I’m a wrestling pigeon, not a carrier pigeon, sqwak!

Eon Pig: True dat, but we still have that carrier pigeon street cred, sqwak! See, that's straight up why Snackey needed us: cuz we can pass messages along about when and where to attack these mofos, something The Resistance can't do through things like phones and whatnot since old man Deli has such a barrier installed to keep technology outta the park, sqwak. Talkin' high end sheeeet nobody been able to figure out even after The Resistance took over, sqwak.

Cut to a sign that says "NO PHONES OR HIGH TECH DEVIL'S TECHNOLOGY WHATSOEVER!!!"

Eon Pig: Nobody can block a pigeon passing notes along, so let’s get ready to get ‘em, sqwak! You Euro boys hungry, there’s bout to be plenty to feast on, sqwak!

The Swedes of The Resistance all rumble in agreement. Back at the park’s ticket booth, the hippies have come out en masse to teach another lesson to the aggressively snobby Europeans who clearly don’t know they’ve been set out as bait.

European Man: V-Vhat are you hippies doing? L-Leave us be and get back to vork!

Hippie Leader: There’s that word again—WORK! Friend, it makes me sad you don’t realize this is LIFESTYLE we live out here in FGA! But maybe peace and love of our kind just doesn’t translate as easily, so we’ll put it to you once again…

The hippies all converge when an envelope that’s been set on fire falls to the earth and lands amongst the two groups.

Apocalypse Face: Now that’s what I call “Hotmail”, sqwak!

Narrator: This timely reference is brought to you by a sponsor to Frontier Grappling Art’s Supershow, Revelations—Hotmail.com. We may be Outlook.com now, but deep down we’re still the Hotmail.com you know and love to have spam you time and time again! Hotmail.com…please come back!

Eon Pig: That’s the signal, sqwak! Attack, sqwak!! FOR THE RESISTANCE, SQWAAAAAAK!!!

Swedes: THE RESISTAAAAAAANCE!!!!

On that note, the hundreds of Swedes, led by the two pigeons, rush the parking lot and move to surround the entire crew of hippies in their pincer movement.

Hippie Leader: Uh-oh…

Hippie Man: Like, it’s The Resistance, Scoob! A trap! What’re we gonna do?

Hippie Leader: I guess the action at Revelations starts early! Let’s give em peace and love, brothers!

Hippie Man: But will it, like, be enough, man? I can already see these cats climbing out of every nook and cranny in Tampa! We’ll need help!

Hippie Leader: Mother Earth will provide for us, brother! I’m sure of it, help will come! For now…let’s get ready to rumble!

As the pro-Delikado hippies and pro-Resistance Swedes begin to fight for their respective causes in the parking lot of the Amalie Arena, the scene transitions to Delikado sitting all comatose in his wheelchair. The camera zooms in on him slowly, before moving down to one of his veiny old man hands. Suddenly, the Cuban’s pinky finger on the right hand twitches. Cut to black.