The Butter Trials (Preparing for Vertigo and Sofia's Trial)
Mar 9, 2019 16:14:09 GMT -5
Post by Delikado on Mar 9, 2019 16:14:09 GMT -5
We pick up not long after the Afterburn where Delikado and his managers met Pea and Nut of Nutpea. Introductions have all been made and now it’s down to questions and answers.
Ewan Jakeway: Wow, so you’re the best wrestlers in Madagascar!
The pair shuffles modestly.
Pea: Shucks, fella, we just keep busy tis all.
Nut: Everyone needs a fair hobby, dontchaknow.
Sofia Monzón: If you’re so good, why haven’t you come back to take on The Fam?
Pea: Humble reason, miss Sofia.
Nut: Quite. See, if we challenged The Fam and clocked ‘em, we’d get all these big-timey contract offerings. I couldn’t be “Nut, Wrestling Mega-Superstar”, it’d kill the funna wrestling.
Pea: Yessir miss, while if we won, we’d be morphed into some kinda officialdom quite out of flavor with our making. I wouldn’t want to be “Pea, Diva Deluxe Legend”—imagine me trying to be the face of an entire company every day?
Nut: Plus, between you, me, and that slutty streetlight over there--
Cut to a streetlight outside that briefly flickers and then turns off. Cut back to the main scene.
Nut: --The Fam is a windbag team past its prime, but what that means is they hafta use slyness to survive. They put on bold fronts, then hide out and let other teams do all the work to win ‘em their matches. Fam lives and works by its own rules—means they can change ‘em anytime they please, ya ken!
Pea: Din’ya see their last Vertigo bout wit Fujiko and Anders against Silk ‘n Cyanide and them Resistance brutes givin’ ya headaches? Proper case ‘n point.
Sofia’s eyes impatiently snap toward Delikado.
Sofia Monzón: No….We’re not “allowed” to review footage. The technology might “taint our youth” and “jeopardize performance”. So, tell us how best to defeat The Fam—we know The Resistance fairly well.
Pea: Fraid we don’t have it to an exact art ‘o science, marm, but we can give you the weaknesses we picked up from ‘em during our days as Peanut Butter and Fam.
Ewan Jakeway: Oh, please tell us, Nutpea, we’re all ears!
Nut: Let’s break it down, fellers: See, The Fam? They’ve been mid-level tag chaps for a fair time, but that means they hafta keep up the energy. People want a consistent pop in their lock.
Pea: What that means, elder Delikado, is you and the wee miss Kent have to make your energy out-energize them til they burnout. We heard of your work, veteran stuff—we know you wield energy up and down a plenty couple of bodies.
The catatonic Cuban sits in his chair. He might be agreeing, but obviously we don’t know.
Nut: Back in the day, we also found ol’ Vince Steel could get vain and was quick-tempered in the right circumstances.
Pea: Now, he wasn’t exactly “cheat you outta your milk at the drop o’ the tophat”, but that means in a triple threat like you got to look forward to at Vertigo, he might step aside and allow Gunnar to bully his way to the front of the “beat on Deli” trough so he can relax and snatch a sneaky vic.
Nut: That in mind, your tag partner can tell you he and Trips T Tillman have a pretty loyal following of the fans. Appropriate to their stats in wrestling, and they want to keep, if not expand that base. Makes no fools out of ‘em, and they’ll go to great lengths to win.
Sofia looks to Delikado and raises her eyebrow in a serious manner.
Sofia Monzón: See? The Fam is no pushover team to go prodding, especially when the damn Resistance is already snapping a grey hair’s length from your neck. Now that we know their faults, we need to get together a gameplan.
Pea: Jolly good plan indeed, one that’ll wreck their banana hammock.
……………………..
Sofia Monzón: “Kick them in the face until they break” can’t be the gameplan every-freaking-time, you simpleton Cuban.
……………………………………………………………..
Sofia Monzón: “Their pride?” Well, you’d know all about pride…
Ewan Jakeway: Hold up, Sofia, I think Delikado’s saying keep focused and consistent like a good vet should, meanwhile “kick them in the face” metaphorically. Tire them out, make them make mistakes. Soon enough the energy will turn in his team’s favor as Steel and then Tillman trip up, bringing the people back to our corner.
………
Sofia Monzón: Ok MAYBE that’s what you meant, but I know you also meant you just intended to ACTUALLY kick them in the face.
Ewan Jakeway: Woo! I’m getting good at reading a comatose Cuban!
Sofia Monzón: So Delikado, play to your experience at Vertigo, not just going off what you about Gunnar and now Steel, but in general. We need elaborate star-power, the overnight sensation Delikado of old. Use your wit over your ego and make both men fall over each other in their own attempts to wrestle.
Ewan Jakeway: Use the aerial moves to floor the heavier Gunnar!
Pea: Aye, keep the crowd guessing and so entranced they won’t want to give Steel any eyeball. Go classic and the rest of ‘em will be exposed as frauds an’ cads by comparison!
Nut: Wrestling’s one and only Cuban, the loveable rogue who can also be everybody’s icon, highbrow athlete extraordinaire, ya ken!
A man mowing the lawn walks by. He stops and chimes in to the conversation unasked.
Man Mowing Lawn: Outthink those mother<BEEP>ers! Be aware of your surroundings and conquer LIKE A B—
A car backing up hits him and knocks him down. Everyone ignores this and moves on.
Pea: Now, iffin we may redirect shop-talk elsewhere, Delikado, while you as a single’s wrestling fella can do wonders, you lot as a combination is left wondering.
As Pea says this she nods to each member of the trio, Deli and his managers.
Pea: To make this master plan in the making of ours work, we also need to look to Revelations, where everything’ll come together.
Nut: Right. Addressing your claim from earlier, marm, that your client and his partner ain’t exactly a family, we see in agreement. However, none of you mesh in familyhood like you could ‘n should iffin you want to win not just the tag match to come, but ALL the tag matches to come.
Ewan Jakeway: *looking sad* Are you saying Delikado won’t do as well in FGA because of us…..?
Pea: Well you don’t need to put such an unjolly ring on the jolly thing—let’s say this team needs a team building exercise so it can be the very best!
Nut pats Ewan reassuringly on the back.
Nut: Fret not, mate, for we know exactly how to bound you all not as bounders but as a makeshift family just as powerful as an actual bloodlined family like The Resistance or The Fam. You need Butter!
………………………………………………
Sofia Monzón: Aaaaaand this is where I might need to check out…
Pea: Heheh, just follow us!
The scene switches to a wide, open, wonderfully elaborate countryside-like area networked with tiny streams and drainage ditches. The land itself is flat and swampy for the most part, minus a field to the east that ends in an orchard encircled by meadows, and hedges in general surround the entire area in an even greater walling-in system. Suddenly, one of the hedges is opened like a door. Pea and Nut enter the room, followed by Delikado and his managers.
Pea: Welcome to Butter’s apartment.
From out of the orchard emerges a gathering of folk all dressed like the greenery itself—bushes and tree bark and the like. In fact, there’s more of them disguised as things naturally found in a countryside than there is actual nature in the apartment. In the center is a bulbous-headed man who stands a few heads taller than anyone else in the room. He looks at the new arrivals with some suspicion.
Butter: I am Butter, and you can believe me.
As she takes in this bizarre-o figure alongside this land crammed inside an apartment, Sofia leans toward Ewan.
Sofia Monzón: *muttering to Ewan* Well, I think we found that “oddball neighbor” Susan Kent was talking about…
Ewan Jakeway: Shhh! Butter is talking!
Butter: Pea and Nut have brought you here because they want to fortify you all as a family unit, so that you may outmatch your foes and accomplish your many goals. I am a master of this art in fortifying people, in building families that will withstand the test of time, but it will not be easy. Trials of various natures, that will ask much of your beings, will be put upon you. Have you any questions?
Sofia turns to Pea and Nut.
Sofia Monzón: Wait, so “Butter” is actually the name of a person in your “Peanut Butter and Fam” faction back in the day?
Pea: Of course! Butter was central to the whole bloody enterprise.
Nut: He taught us how to be the best wrestlers we could be—the best PEOPLE! Before Butter, we was just twins who couldn’t outfox a joey out of its mum’s pouch. Now we could take on an armada of roos spick-and-span.
Butter: Peaaaa, Nuuuut, did you leave off the commas in “Peanut, Butter, and Fam” again?
The two bashfully rub the back of their heads and chuckle.
Nut: Apologies, Butter!
Pea: We just got excited telling our friends about everything is all!
Butter: That’s okay. Now, you three step forward.
At his motioning them forth, Sofia pushes Delikado’s chair ahead and Ewan follows. The heavy-headed yet strangely small-bodied man looks them over in an inspecting manner.
Butter: Hmmmmm. There is potential. Are you the only ones wishing to make up this family?
Ewan Jakeway: Wait, what about Susan? And Kendra and the others?
Sofia Monzón: They “had other things to do”, remember? Hell, my guess is they wouldn’t WANT to be involved in all this…
Butter: Interesting…If there is a partner outside this group who does not seem fully committed, mayhap she is not revealing her true colors, her true form.
………………….
Sofia Monzón: “Shy” my ass…
Butter: Ahem! No matter. There is plenty of untapped power here alone. It is the Frontier Grappling Arts you come from, yes?
Pea and Nut nod for the three.
Butter: Then time is short. Three trials for three players in the game of family. Each one will test that player’s biggest fault.
Sofia Monzón: *under her breath* This has scam written all over it. We’re about to wake up with no kidneys and—
Butter: Sofia Sertorius Monzón, step forward.
Sofia is completely taken aback at hearing her full name. She practically stumbles forward as she tries to rationalize everything.
Sofia Monzón: How did you…nobody knows….
Butter: Your biggest fault is you have the serenity of a volcano exploding in the middle of a Black Friday shopping haul at Best Buy. You suppress inner sweetness and though you were born in a noble Spanish ladyship, your vulgar wrath is only matched by your cruel, acid-like philosophy of “kill everything that moves and trust nobody.”
Sofia Monzón: Oh <BEEP> you, you <BEEP>.
Ewan Jakeway: *gasp* Sofia!
Sofia Monzón: What?
Butter: LET THE TRIAL BEGIN!!!
Sofia is standing opposite Butter in a circle of flowers in the “meadow.” A referee appears and clears his throat to get the focus of everyone in the room. In addition to Delikado and Ewan, surrounding them is an even greater number of people in Butter’s clan-like group than before, making up an impressive audience. The ref roars unassisted with a voice sounding like it’s amplified by twenty microphones at once.
Ref: ROIGHT! EVERY COCKIN’ FELLA AND MISTRESS KNOWS A FAMILY, BE THEY IN THE REAL WORLD, SPORTS, OR ON THE TELLY NEEDS TO BE KIND TO EACH UDDA! BY AND LARGE, THAT COMES FROM THE FAMILY MATRIARCH! WE GOT CAROL BRADY OF “THE BRADY BUNCH”, MORTICIA ADDAMS FROM “THE ADDAMS FAMILY”, MARION CUNNINGHAM FROM “HAPPY DAYS”, AND SUSAN ATKINS FROM “THE MANSON FAMILY”!!! TOOOOOOODAAAAAY THERE LOOKS TO BE A NEW MATRIARCH, FROM FRONTIER GRAPPLING ARTS—SOFIA SERTORIUS MONZÓN!
Sofia rolls her eyes as a smattering of applause echoes around the area, mostly from her boyfriend Jakeway.
Sofia Monzón: Sure, announce the whole name again for the world to hear…
Ref: THE TRIAL WILL BE THUS: HIS GRACIOUSNESS BUTTER AND THE LADY SOFIA WILL MEET BEFORE YOU ALL AND ENGAGE IN A CONVERSATION TO SEE HOW COMPASSIONIATE A MATRIARCH SOFIA CAN BE FOR THE FAMILY IN WRESTLING, AT THE JUDGING OF YOU ALL! THE COMPETITORS HAVE ONE MINUTE TO “STRAH-TEE-GIZE!”
As the ref nods and steps back, Ewan nudges Sofia.
Ewan Jakeway: Quick, honey, put this on!
He proceeds to hand her a dress, a demure light blue one with some gentle frilly bits on the sleeves and about the neck. Sofia looks practically revolted by it.
Sofia Monzón: What the shit is that!?
Ewan Jakeway: Look, I realize and accept you’re all about the pants suits and strict business apparel--it’s what makes you pop, but it’s not much of a “matriarch/motherly” outfit. Now, I personally love it on you, but it might give people a cold impression about you, terrify the bajeebers out of them if you will, and so I had this dress stored in Delikado’s wheelchair bag on the ever-so-slight chance you needed an emergency dress.
Sofia Monzón: Oh, for the love of—
Ref: THIRTY SECONDS!
Ewan Jakeway: Babe, please! Do it for the image alone! Think how The Fam hides behind other teams to score victories like the other night at Vertigo, we need to outdo them and top their strategies to get stronger as a group—this dress is your Fujiko and Izzy!
Sofia Monzón: Goddamn it, FINE!
With no time and very little pause, Sofia rips off her buttoned-up business suit, chucks off her sharp pants, and dons the pretty dress. Ewan proceeds to push forth some classy-looking white high heels as well, to which Sofia at first opens her mouth to tear apart the suggestion, and yet snatches them up and slides them on as well.
Sofia Monzón: I’m going to hang you with this dress and beat you with these shoes when this is done.
Ewan Jakeway: Hey, get the “mean girl” out now, because we need a goddess of charm!
Ref: Time’s up…GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!!!
Silence falls over the arena as Butter steps up.
Butter: As the leader of these ranks, I could order you and your friends beaten to a pulp and made into mulch for my fields.
Sofia slowly inhales, lets out a breath, and then cheerily waves to Ewan and Delikado over her shoulder.
Sofia Monzón: Oh, well, I wish you wouldn’t, but my darling boys *do* need to learn about keeping the environment healthy. How considerate of you to want to employ them in your gardening, sir.
A murmur carries throughout the crowd.
Audience Member 1: You hear that? She cares about the environment and wants her client to learn about gardening!
Audience Member 2: Even called them her “darling boys!”
Butter cocks his head as he begins to circle Sofia, who just stands in place in the center of the area smiling whimsically. It’s like she’s giving off sparkles of motherly innocence.
Butter: You might think us illogical or false, but our hunger goes beyond anything the squared circle’s ever seen! Nobody knows you, nobody would miss you.
Sofia Monzón: All I think is if you good people are hungry, let me at your kitchens and I’ll cook you up an old Spanish family recipe--Quesada pasiega. It’s a quality pudding, made with some sugar, eggs, I think I see some lemon trees in your orchard—oh, and we can’t miss that butter.
Putting her hands on her hips, the housewife-acting Sofia playfully winks at Butter. A “MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!” passes through the crowd now. Butter holds up his hand to beckon silence, but it takes a bit longer than he’d like based off his face.
Butter: I’ve died on the operating table TWICE in my career, and twice I’ve been brought back to life—because no force in the next life can handle me, nor can any force in this life survive me! Take a look at these hands and accept that truth!
He holds out his fists right in front of Sofia’s face, showing the old scars from what looks like barbed wire and other weapons. Sofia frowns with pity, pulls out a band-aid, and puts it across Butter’s knuckles. To top it off, she gives a gentle, warming kiss to the band-aid.
Sofia Monzón: I don’t know about that sort of talk, but I do know I hope you feel better now. Mama Monzón can’t stand to see you hurting! Do you want to talk about it?
Butter is now more than a little off-guard at the utter charm Sofia is displaying. The crowd seems to be with her as well.
Audience Member 3: All that, and she’s concerned for him!
Audience Member 4: I want Mama Monzón to be MY Mama and kiss MY boo-boo’s!
Butter seems to be reaching the pinnacle of how far he wants to test the lady and provoke some kind of vengeful response we know Sofia could give if she wanted. He eyes her dress, especially the fact that it shows off her normally unseen legs.
Butter: Tell you what—spread your legs. I think you’re just diva trash like just about all the other women wrestlers these days—Twitter lesbians and the sort, that’s what I hear.
Sofia simply smiles in a nonthreatened manner.
Sofia Monzón: “Twitter?” Is that what the kids are using now? Well it’s good you want to spread out and stretch, all that Internet usage will hurt your eyes and create bad posture. Good old-fashioned exercise is what we need now!
Butter proceeds to angrily shove Sofia with one of his scarred hands.
Butter: Oh my God, stop being so nice and caring about me! You’re not my real mother! ….I…I mean…
The crowd gasps at this gesture. The ref rushes forth.
Ref: THAT SETTLES IT, THE TRIAL OF KINDESS IS OVER! THE LADY WINS!!!
The crowd now cheers and applauds.
Audience Member 5: By jove, she’s a matriarch for the ages!
Audience Member 6: Can wrestling, nay, HISTORY ever record such a motherly figure?!
Butter seems taken aback as he tries to swallow some previously deeply-buried personal demons and resumes his calm composure from before.
Butter: Well done, Sofia. I think your client will do wonders with such a loving presence at his side.
Sofia smiles while turning to Delikado and Jakeway. Her boyfriend seems ecstatic as he hugs her.
Ewan Jakeway: Way to go, baby! You didn’t snap or get swell-headed or nothing! I knew you had a motherly soul down in there, haha! Let’s see The Fam try and bring THAT to their corner!
Sofia keeps smiling as she leans into his ear and whispers something. His smile gradually dips down and away.
Narrator: Nobody knows what Sofia said to Ewan that day, but legend says at that moment the Sun moved several miles away from Earth as if to say, “I don’t want to be anywhere near that, yo.”
Ewan Jakeway: Wow, so you’re the best wrestlers in Madagascar!
The pair shuffles modestly.
Pea: Shucks, fella, we just keep busy tis all.
Nut: Everyone needs a fair hobby, dontchaknow.
Sofia Monzón: If you’re so good, why haven’t you come back to take on The Fam?
Pea: Humble reason, miss Sofia.
Nut: Quite. See, if we challenged The Fam and clocked ‘em, we’d get all these big-timey contract offerings. I couldn’t be “Nut, Wrestling Mega-Superstar”, it’d kill the funna wrestling.
Pea: Yessir miss, while if we won, we’d be morphed into some kinda officialdom quite out of flavor with our making. I wouldn’t want to be “Pea, Diva Deluxe Legend”—imagine me trying to be the face of an entire company every day?
Nut: Plus, between you, me, and that slutty streetlight over there--
Cut to a streetlight outside that briefly flickers and then turns off. Cut back to the main scene.
Nut: --The Fam is a windbag team past its prime, but what that means is they hafta use slyness to survive. They put on bold fronts, then hide out and let other teams do all the work to win ‘em their matches. Fam lives and works by its own rules—means they can change ‘em anytime they please, ya ken!
Pea: Din’ya see their last Vertigo bout wit Fujiko and Anders against Silk ‘n Cyanide and them Resistance brutes givin’ ya headaches? Proper case ‘n point.
Sofia’s eyes impatiently snap toward Delikado.
Sofia Monzón: No….We’re not “allowed” to review footage. The technology might “taint our youth” and “jeopardize performance”. So, tell us how best to defeat The Fam—we know The Resistance fairly well.
Pea: Fraid we don’t have it to an exact art ‘o science, marm, but we can give you the weaknesses we picked up from ‘em during our days as Peanut Butter and Fam.
Ewan Jakeway: Oh, please tell us, Nutpea, we’re all ears!
Nut: Let’s break it down, fellers: See, The Fam? They’ve been mid-level tag chaps for a fair time, but that means they hafta keep up the energy. People want a consistent pop in their lock.
Pea: What that means, elder Delikado, is you and the wee miss Kent have to make your energy out-energize them til they burnout. We heard of your work, veteran stuff—we know you wield energy up and down a plenty couple of bodies.
The catatonic Cuban sits in his chair. He might be agreeing, but obviously we don’t know.
Nut: Back in the day, we also found ol’ Vince Steel could get vain and was quick-tempered in the right circumstances.
Pea: Now, he wasn’t exactly “cheat you outta your milk at the drop o’ the tophat”, but that means in a triple threat like you got to look forward to at Vertigo, he might step aside and allow Gunnar to bully his way to the front of the “beat on Deli” trough so he can relax and snatch a sneaky vic.
Nut: That in mind, your tag partner can tell you he and Trips T Tillman have a pretty loyal following of the fans. Appropriate to their stats in wrestling, and they want to keep, if not expand that base. Makes no fools out of ‘em, and they’ll go to great lengths to win.
Sofia looks to Delikado and raises her eyebrow in a serious manner.
Sofia Monzón: See? The Fam is no pushover team to go prodding, especially when the damn Resistance is already snapping a grey hair’s length from your neck. Now that we know their faults, we need to get together a gameplan.
Pea: Jolly good plan indeed, one that’ll wreck their banana hammock.
……………………..
Sofia Monzón: “Kick them in the face until they break” can’t be the gameplan every-freaking-time, you simpleton Cuban.
……………………………………………………………..
Sofia Monzón: “Their pride?” Well, you’d know all about pride…
Ewan Jakeway: Hold up, Sofia, I think Delikado’s saying keep focused and consistent like a good vet should, meanwhile “kick them in the face” metaphorically. Tire them out, make them make mistakes. Soon enough the energy will turn in his team’s favor as Steel and then Tillman trip up, bringing the people back to our corner.
………
Sofia Monzón: Ok MAYBE that’s what you meant, but I know you also meant you just intended to ACTUALLY kick them in the face.
Ewan Jakeway: Woo! I’m getting good at reading a comatose Cuban!
Sofia Monzón: So Delikado, play to your experience at Vertigo, not just going off what you about Gunnar and now Steel, but in general. We need elaborate star-power, the overnight sensation Delikado of old. Use your wit over your ego and make both men fall over each other in their own attempts to wrestle.
Ewan Jakeway: Use the aerial moves to floor the heavier Gunnar!
Pea: Aye, keep the crowd guessing and so entranced they won’t want to give Steel any eyeball. Go classic and the rest of ‘em will be exposed as frauds an’ cads by comparison!
Nut: Wrestling’s one and only Cuban, the loveable rogue who can also be everybody’s icon, highbrow athlete extraordinaire, ya ken!
A man mowing the lawn walks by. He stops and chimes in to the conversation unasked.
Man Mowing Lawn: Outthink those mother<BEEP>ers! Be aware of your surroundings and conquer LIKE A B—
A car backing up hits him and knocks him down. Everyone ignores this and moves on.
Pea: Now, iffin we may redirect shop-talk elsewhere, Delikado, while you as a single’s wrestling fella can do wonders, you lot as a combination is left wondering.
As Pea says this she nods to each member of the trio, Deli and his managers.
Pea: To make this master plan in the making of ours work, we also need to look to Revelations, where everything’ll come together.
Nut: Right. Addressing your claim from earlier, marm, that your client and his partner ain’t exactly a family, we see in agreement. However, none of you mesh in familyhood like you could ‘n should iffin you want to win not just the tag match to come, but ALL the tag matches to come.
Ewan Jakeway: *looking sad* Are you saying Delikado won’t do as well in FGA because of us…..?
Pea: Well you don’t need to put such an unjolly ring on the jolly thing—let’s say this team needs a team building exercise so it can be the very best!
Nut pats Ewan reassuringly on the back.
Nut: Fret not, mate, for we know exactly how to bound you all not as bounders but as a makeshift family just as powerful as an actual bloodlined family like The Resistance or The Fam. You need Butter!
………………………………………………
Sofia Monzón: Aaaaaand this is where I might need to check out…
Pea: Heheh, just follow us!
The scene switches to a wide, open, wonderfully elaborate countryside-like area networked with tiny streams and drainage ditches. The land itself is flat and swampy for the most part, minus a field to the east that ends in an orchard encircled by meadows, and hedges in general surround the entire area in an even greater walling-in system. Suddenly, one of the hedges is opened like a door. Pea and Nut enter the room, followed by Delikado and his managers.
Pea: Welcome to Butter’s apartment.
From out of the orchard emerges a gathering of folk all dressed like the greenery itself—bushes and tree bark and the like. In fact, there’s more of them disguised as things naturally found in a countryside than there is actual nature in the apartment. In the center is a bulbous-headed man who stands a few heads taller than anyone else in the room. He looks at the new arrivals with some suspicion.
Butter: I am Butter, and you can believe me.
As she takes in this bizarre-o figure alongside this land crammed inside an apartment, Sofia leans toward Ewan.
Sofia Monzón: *muttering to Ewan* Well, I think we found that “oddball neighbor” Susan Kent was talking about…
Ewan Jakeway: Shhh! Butter is talking!
Butter: Pea and Nut have brought you here because they want to fortify you all as a family unit, so that you may outmatch your foes and accomplish your many goals. I am a master of this art in fortifying people, in building families that will withstand the test of time, but it will not be easy. Trials of various natures, that will ask much of your beings, will be put upon you. Have you any questions?
Sofia turns to Pea and Nut.
Sofia Monzón: Wait, so “Butter” is actually the name of a person in your “Peanut Butter and Fam” faction back in the day?
Pea: Of course! Butter was central to the whole bloody enterprise.
Nut: He taught us how to be the best wrestlers we could be—the best PEOPLE! Before Butter, we was just twins who couldn’t outfox a joey out of its mum’s pouch. Now we could take on an armada of roos spick-and-span.
Butter: Peaaaa, Nuuuut, did you leave off the commas in “Peanut, Butter, and Fam” again?
The two bashfully rub the back of their heads and chuckle.
Nut: Apologies, Butter!
Pea: We just got excited telling our friends about everything is all!
Butter: That’s okay. Now, you three step forward.
At his motioning them forth, Sofia pushes Delikado’s chair ahead and Ewan follows. The heavy-headed yet strangely small-bodied man looks them over in an inspecting manner.
Butter: Hmmmmm. There is potential. Are you the only ones wishing to make up this family?
Ewan Jakeway: Wait, what about Susan? And Kendra and the others?
Sofia Monzón: They “had other things to do”, remember? Hell, my guess is they wouldn’t WANT to be involved in all this…
Butter: Interesting…If there is a partner outside this group who does not seem fully committed, mayhap she is not revealing her true colors, her true form.
………………….
Sofia Monzón: “Shy” my ass…
Butter: Ahem! No matter. There is plenty of untapped power here alone. It is the Frontier Grappling Arts you come from, yes?
Pea and Nut nod for the three.
Butter: Then time is short. Three trials for three players in the game of family. Each one will test that player’s biggest fault.
Sofia Monzón: *under her breath* This has scam written all over it. We’re about to wake up with no kidneys and—
Butter: Sofia Sertorius Monzón, step forward.
Sofia is completely taken aback at hearing her full name. She practically stumbles forward as she tries to rationalize everything.
Sofia Monzón: How did you…nobody knows….
Butter: Your biggest fault is you have the serenity of a volcano exploding in the middle of a Black Friday shopping haul at Best Buy. You suppress inner sweetness and though you were born in a noble Spanish ladyship, your vulgar wrath is only matched by your cruel, acid-like philosophy of “kill everything that moves and trust nobody.”
Sofia Monzón: Oh <BEEP> you, you <BEEP>.
Ewan Jakeway: *gasp* Sofia!
Sofia Monzón: What?
Butter: LET THE TRIAL BEGIN!!!
--Trial 1: Kindness--
Sofia is standing opposite Butter in a circle of flowers in the “meadow.” A referee appears and clears his throat to get the focus of everyone in the room. In addition to Delikado and Ewan, surrounding them is an even greater number of people in Butter’s clan-like group than before, making up an impressive audience. The ref roars unassisted with a voice sounding like it’s amplified by twenty microphones at once.
Ref: ROIGHT! EVERY COCKIN’ FELLA AND MISTRESS KNOWS A FAMILY, BE THEY IN THE REAL WORLD, SPORTS, OR ON THE TELLY NEEDS TO BE KIND TO EACH UDDA! BY AND LARGE, THAT COMES FROM THE FAMILY MATRIARCH! WE GOT CAROL BRADY OF “THE BRADY BUNCH”, MORTICIA ADDAMS FROM “THE ADDAMS FAMILY”, MARION CUNNINGHAM FROM “HAPPY DAYS”, AND SUSAN ATKINS FROM “THE MANSON FAMILY”!!! TOOOOOOODAAAAAY THERE LOOKS TO BE A NEW MATRIARCH, FROM FRONTIER GRAPPLING ARTS—SOFIA SERTORIUS MONZÓN!
Sofia rolls her eyes as a smattering of applause echoes around the area, mostly from her boyfriend Jakeway.
Sofia Monzón: Sure, announce the whole name again for the world to hear…
Ref: THE TRIAL WILL BE THUS: HIS GRACIOUSNESS BUTTER AND THE LADY SOFIA WILL MEET BEFORE YOU ALL AND ENGAGE IN A CONVERSATION TO SEE HOW COMPASSIONIATE A MATRIARCH SOFIA CAN BE FOR THE FAMILY IN WRESTLING, AT THE JUDGING OF YOU ALL! THE COMPETITORS HAVE ONE MINUTE TO “STRAH-TEE-GIZE!”
As the ref nods and steps back, Ewan nudges Sofia.
Ewan Jakeway: Quick, honey, put this on!
He proceeds to hand her a dress, a demure light blue one with some gentle frilly bits on the sleeves and about the neck. Sofia looks practically revolted by it.
Sofia Monzón: What the shit is that!?
Ewan Jakeway: Look, I realize and accept you’re all about the pants suits and strict business apparel--it’s what makes you pop, but it’s not much of a “matriarch/motherly” outfit. Now, I personally love it on you, but it might give people a cold impression about you, terrify the bajeebers out of them if you will, and so I had this dress stored in Delikado’s wheelchair bag on the ever-so-slight chance you needed an emergency dress.
Sofia Monzón: Oh, for the love of—
Ref: THIRTY SECONDS!
Ewan Jakeway: Babe, please! Do it for the image alone! Think how The Fam hides behind other teams to score victories like the other night at Vertigo, we need to outdo them and top their strategies to get stronger as a group—this dress is your Fujiko and Izzy!
Sofia Monzón: Goddamn it, FINE!
With no time and very little pause, Sofia rips off her buttoned-up business suit, chucks off her sharp pants, and dons the pretty dress. Ewan proceeds to push forth some classy-looking white high heels as well, to which Sofia at first opens her mouth to tear apart the suggestion, and yet snatches them up and slides them on as well.
Sofia Monzón: I’m going to hang you with this dress and beat you with these shoes when this is done.
Ewan Jakeway: Hey, get the “mean girl” out now, because we need a goddess of charm!
Ref: Time’s up…GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!!!
Silence falls over the arena as Butter steps up.
Butter: As the leader of these ranks, I could order you and your friends beaten to a pulp and made into mulch for my fields.
Sofia slowly inhales, lets out a breath, and then cheerily waves to Ewan and Delikado over her shoulder.
Sofia Monzón: Oh, well, I wish you wouldn’t, but my darling boys *do* need to learn about keeping the environment healthy. How considerate of you to want to employ them in your gardening, sir.
A murmur carries throughout the crowd.
Audience Member 1: You hear that? She cares about the environment and wants her client to learn about gardening!
Audience Member 2: Even called them her “darling boys!”
Butter cocks his head as he begins to circle Sofia, who just stands in place in the center of the area smiling whimsically. It’s like she’s giving off sparkles of motherly innocence.
Butter: You might think us illogical or false, but our hunger goes beyond anything the squared circle’s ever seen! Nobody knows you, nobody would miss you.
Sofia Monzón: All I think is if you good people are hungry, let me at your kitchens and I’ll cook you up an old Spanish family recipe--Quesada pasiega. It’s a quality pudding, made with some sugar, eggs, I think I see some lemon trees in your orchard—oh, and we can’t miss that butter.
Putting her hands on her hips, the housewife-acting Sofia playfully winks at Butter. A “MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!” passes through the crowd now. Butter holds up his hand to beckon silence, but it takes a bit longer than he’d like based off his face.
Butter: I’ve died on the operating table TWICE in my career, and twice I’ve been brought back to life—because no force in the next life can handle me, nor can any force in this life survive me! Take a look at these hands and accept that truth!
He holds out his fists right in front of Sofia’s face, showing the old scars from what looks like barbed wire and other weapons. Sofia frowns with pity, pulls out a band-aid, and puts it across Butter’s knuckles. To top it off, she gives a gentle, warming kiss to the band-aid.
Sofia Monzón: I don’t know about that sort of talk, but I do know I hope you feel better now. Mama Monzón can’t stand to see you hurting! Do you want to talk about it?
Butter is now more than a little off-guard at the utter charm Sofia is displaying. The crowd seems to be with her as well.
Audience Member 3: All that, and she’s concerned for him!
Audience Member 4: I want Mama Monzón to be MY Mama and kiss MY boo-boo’s!
Butter seems to be reaching the pinnacle of how far he wants to test the lady and provoke some kind of vengeful response we know Sofia could give if she wanted. He eyes her dress, especially the fact that it shows off her normally unseen legs.
Butter: Tell you what—spread your legs. I think you’re just diva trash like just about all the other women wrestlers these days—Twitter lesbians and the sort, that’s what I hear.
Sofia simply smiles in a nonthreatened manner.
Sofia Monzón: “Twitter?” Is that what the kids are using now? Well it’s good you want to spread out and stretch, all that Internet usage will hurt your eyes and create bad posture. Good old-fashioned exercise is what we need now!
Butter proceeds to angrily shove Sofia with one of his scarred hands.
Butter: Oh my God, stop being so nice and caring about me! You’re not my real mother! ….I…I mean…
The crowd gasps at this gesture. The ref rushes forth.
Ref: THAT SETTLES IT, THE TRIAL OF KINDESS IS OVER! THE LADY WINS!!!
The crowd now cheers and applauds.
Audience Member 5: By jove, she’s a matriarch for the ages!
Audience Member 6: Can wrestling, nay, HISTORY ever record such a motherly figure?!
Butter seems taken aback as he tries to swallow some previously deeply-buried personal demons and resumes his calm composure from before.
Butter: Well done, Sofia. I think your client will do wonders with such a loving presence at his side.
Sofia smiles while turning to Delikado and Jakeway. Her boyfriend seems ecstatic as he hugs her.
Ewan Jakeway: Way to go, baby! You didn’t snap or get swell-headed or nothing! I knew you had a motherly soul down in there, haha! Let’s see The Fam try and bring THAT to their corner!
Sofia keeps smiling as she leans into his ear and whispers something. His smile gradually dips down and away.
Narrator: Nobody knows what Sofia said to Ewan that day, but legend says at that moment the Sun moved several miles away from Earth as if to say, “I don’t want to be anywhere near that, yo.”
~TO BE CONTINUED~