animal cookies 2

[The Mason]

should know better than to wait around

February 2, 2019
Omaha, Nebraska

Sadie had taken about ten steps out of Kendall Kingham’s locker room before she felt her throat growing tight and her knees growing weak.

She didn’t know why it was just hitting her then all of a sudden but it was. All day she’d been fine. Truly. From the time she got to the arena, even through every conversation she had with her mom… with Ellie… with Adam… everybody asking the same fucking question:

“What’d you find out about Sherry?”

There were only so many things somebody could do to come up with creative ways to say “nothing”, or “I don’t know”, or “leave me the fuck alone.” Those three were mainstays though, for sure, and Sadie went back to them often. And she’d kind of managed to shrug it off for a few days, but that was denial in its purest form.

One day without a phone call… fine. It wasn’t unheard of. Two days without a phone call or a text-- fine. It was weird. But it wasn’t the end of the world. She’d been through it before, especially when she and Sherry were both on the road at different times, on different parts of the globe. But three days?

There was never a day three. It just didn’t happen.

And now it had caught up with her. Before the show, she figured if she left her phone in her bag, idle, just long enough, the universe would have to conspire alongside her eventually-- and Sherry would have to respond. She’d have some smartass remark about the quality of the phone, or she’d have some long, drawn-out, but charming story about how the battery died in Bumfuck, Nowhere and the things she had to go through to obtain a new one.

But that hadn’t happened. Sadie got back to her bag after her match and turned her phone on with confidence-- ready to apologize to her for taking so long to get back to the message. But there was no need to apologize. There was no message waiting. No missed call. No unread text.

At first it didn’t even feel like a big deal. Maybe it was the adrenaline from the beginning of the night, beating “Sarah Santa Monica”, succeeding in her Flashpoint debut, and challenging Kendall for the FGA 15 Championship. It kept those bad feelings at bay for a moment… until it couldn’t. Right there in the hallway, maybe fifteen or twenty feet from the champion’s door, Sadie felt the tears building up in her eyes. Tears that had no right to be there. None of it made sense. What actual reason was there to start sobbing right now?

Sherry was fine. She was just gone for the moment. Everyone was fine.

“Everyone’s fine. You’re being fucking ridiculous.”

Sadie whispered the words aloud to herself and drew in a deep breath. She pushed herself away from the wall and continued down the corridor. Each step seemed to take forever. Every few inches seemed to be miles-- but she made it back to the dressing room she’d occupied all night and stepped inside, swinging the door shut behind her, speaking aloud once more.

“Everyone is fine.”

Speaking it aloud, but still unsure of who it was she was trying to convince.

all in a haze

October 19, 2018
Las Vegas, Nevada

She wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening, but she was awake enough as Sadie tiptoed through the living room, right past where Sherry was sprawled on the couch. On the ludicrously big TV mounted to the wall a movie played, and Sherry couldn’t have told anyone what it even was other than it was probably Kill Bill, if the list had gone on shuffle. She had her eyes open only a crack, but it was enough to see the light on the dimmed display from the phone in Sadie’s hand.

Sadie was very, very careful not to let the screen door bang shut when she stepped out on the porch and Sherry sat up.

There’s an old saw, about ‘seeing red’. Songs have been written about it, the whole nine. Sherry knew it was an exaggeration but as she sat up, as she stood, her hands balling into fists, a red haze seemed to fall over the mostly darkened room.

When Sherry joined Sadie on the porch, the screen door banged shut. She was very loud, seeing how Sadie was standing there with that phone.

“Is that my future MOTHER IN LAW? Or haven’t you got around to telling her about us yet? How about THAT. Ain’t no need for no sneakin’ around ain’t like there’s not pictures of us on the damn fuckin’ damn INTERNET SADIE.”

Sadie’s heart skipped a beat. She stared back at Sherry open-mouthed. She didn’t bother covering the phone-- it wouldn’t have mattered. She could hear her mother speaking back timidly on the other end, barely audible in the open air.

“...Sadie? Everything okay?”

For a moment, Sherry just stared at her. Pretended that her lip was quivering with rage, because she was supposed to be this hard ass bitch out of Texas that didn’t give a fuck about anything. But nothing is ever that cut and dried. Her volume went down, but her words had punch. They carried.

Sadie still hadn’t spoken a word. She’d barely managed to get her mouth closed to save herself some dignity in the moment. She searched for the words to say in her head, but Sherry spoke again before Sadie could figure it out.

“If ya that ashamed of me, Sadie. Shit just say. Just say. I know you could do way better than some hook-nosed bitch that never went to college and kicks the shit out of people for cash in a cage.”

“What?” The first thing to actually come out of Sadie’s mouth. Brilliant. “What is the matter with you? Stop being ridiculous.”

There was that go-to word. And all of those words sounded wrong to Sadie’s ears; accusing Sherry of being the one speaking irrationally-- calling Sherry the unreasonable one. But they were out there. And Sadie didn’t have anything better in her moment of panic.

A defiant tilt of Sherry’s head as she swept her wavy brunette hair off her neck and stared at Sadie some more, until her shoulders started to drop just that little touch.

“I’m goin’ upstairs.”

She turned and slammed the screen door back open and stomped around awhile before stomping right up the stairs. Her reputation, the way Marissa talked about her, they’d have expected her to hit Sadie, with how mad she was. But that wasn’t her, not after what she went through before Marissa was even on her radar. At the top of the stairs, she paused, her knuckles white on the railing as she took her other hand to lift her shirt and wipe her face before going on to slam the bedroom door too.

“Sadie? Sadie, are you still there? Hellooo?”

and i’m sorry

February 7, 2019
San Diego, California

“Why would she sign everything over to you?”

Michaela Dragomirov… or as she was more commonly known, Lani-- or Lani San Diego-- said it with a look of pure confusion. She was seated cross-legged on the floor of the living room, shaking her head a bit as she looked up, leaning back on her palms on the carpet.

“She had to have been drunk,” Lani murmured.

“That’s what I was saying at first, but who has the patience to do alll that paperwork when they’re drunk?” Ellie Dragomirov piped up, back turned to Lani and Sadie as she sat precariously on a medicine ball, eyes glued to the television as Real Housewives of Wherever the Fuck played across the screen, Sadie would estimate, for the hundredth hour of that day.

“Ummm, an alcoholic. Obviously,” Lani responded.

“Yeah, but this was deliberate,” Ellie said, still not looking away from the TV. “Sadie, what exactly did Sherry sign over to you?”

“Everything,” Lani replied, as if her name was Sadie.

“Can she do that?” Ellie asked. “How can she do that?”

“She did it,” Lani said. “And then she disappeared. And-- have we considered that she might’ve like…” Lani clears her throat. “You know.”

Ellie gasped quietly, shooting a look back at Lani over her shoulder. “I thought we were keeping hope alive here. Fuck’s sake.”

“Someone has to say it,” Lani retorted. “What if she’s rotting in a hole somewhere and we’re sitting on our asses waiting for someone to speak up? You guys have both seeeeen The First 48. Sadie, what was the episode we were literally just--?”

“That’s for murder cases, dumbass,” Ellie spat.

“This COULD BE,” Lani reasoned. “We don’t know! I’m just saying, IFFFF there were some extra funds stashed somewhere-- not saying there aaarrre, but IF-- then maybe it’s time to hire, like, a detective?”

“Oooh.” Ellie nodded. “A private dick.”

“Have some dignity, Ellie, this is serious,” Lani muttered. “And Sadie, I think you should really consider it. Like, right now.”

“She IS considering it,” Ellie said. “Just-- we need some time to think.”

“We don’t need to take anymore time,” Lani replied. “We are not the ones in denial. Something is obviously wrong. And you’re the only one who’s gonna do something about it, Sadie. So…” Lani shrugged. “What are you doing?”

Ellie sighed. “Sadie?”

and in full control

October 19, 2018
Las Vegas, Nevada

“Sherry?”

Sadie took short breaths. She backed away from the door, letting her back hit the banister. She didn't know if she’d actually spoke loud enough for Sherry to hear her. The TV had been turned on in the bedroom, down to a gentle hum, probably just loud enough to drown out whatever Sadie was saying to her mother on the phone.

“You… you still up?”

She was louder that time-- Sadie was certain of it. The blinds in the hallway window were pulled back, illuminating the walkway without the need to turn on a light. The moon lent a teal luminescence, giving the wooden walls a haunting glow. Sadie couldn’t actually see the door-- just this black, rectangular void in the middle of the wall that didn’t even seem real the longer she stared at it.

Sadie lost track of how long she stood there. Long enough for a cloud to drift by and plunge the hall into darkness. She put her hand against the door, taking a second to feel for the knob before pulling it, breathing a quiet sigh of relief at the click, dispelling the fear that Sherry had locked it.

Whatever had been on the television gave way to an infomercial. Two bleached-blonde women that could have been anywhere between thirty and fifty were trying their damndest to sell an overpriced air fryer to anyone that would listen. Sadie’s eyes drifted from the TV, over to the halfway-curled figure beneath the blankets. Even as Sadie took another few steps and lowered herself, sitting down on the corner of the mattress, there was no movement from Sherry. It was impossible to tell in the darkness whether or not she was awake.

Sadie drew a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.” She ran a hand through her own hair, letting her eyes fall on the two would-be-saleswomen on the screen as she continued talking. “I don’t know why I always do that. I don’t know why I always shut you out during these-- these really, really important times. It’s… I know it’s fucked up. I know I have this problem talking, like… about my feelings. To you. To my own family. To…” Sadie shook her head. “I just have a problem having fucking feelings.”

She closed her eyes for a moment, leaning forward, elbows resting on her knees. She lifted her gaze again, back to the blondes, who had moved on from selling an air fryer to trying to sell a whole goddamn grill.

“I don’t know how to tell my mother, who thinks she knows everything about me, that this mysterious, idealistic son-in-law that she’s spent years anticipating doesn’t exist and is never going to exist. I haven’t figured out how to tell my mom that the person I wanna spend the rest of my life with is…” A breath. “You.”

Frustrated with herself, a small, bitter scoff escaped Sadie’s mouth.

“You deserve better than that. You deserve better than-- waiting for me to figure this shit out. I always do this.” She shook her head a bit. “I always wait way too long. And then everything’s fucked up.”

She turned away from the TV, looking toward Sherry, still undecided whether she could hear a single word she was saying or not.

“I’m gonna do better,” Sadie said.

That part was so quiet, she wasn’t even sure she’d heard herself say it.

Then, finally:

“Okay. Aight.”

Sherry’s hand snaked out from under the blanket even though she didn’t roll over, didn’t move closer. But somehow, unerringly that rough hand found Sadie’s in the dark and she grabbed her fingers, squeezing them tight. “Ain’t no Saint over here neither.”

There was a long, long pause and Sherry yawned before she sighed and tugged at Sadie’s hand. “Come on. Y’all can be the big spoon, I guess.”

Relief washed over Sadie. The guilt was still there— she couldn’t pretend it wasn’t— but there was a certain warmth and steadiness, held there between Sherry’s fingers.

Sadie kicked her slippers off into the darkness and sank into the blankets, arms wrapped around her as the blonde strangers desperately tried to sell a non-stick stone dish to anyone with a spare $19.99.

i’m not lost