AfterBurn for Final Frontier

[FGA Office]

Catch up with your favorite FGA grapplers on AfterBurn! Get their thoughts on the latest, their opponents, and other backstage happenings right here, only on AxxessNet!

[James Edwards]

Amanda Johnson stands backstage with a microphone. She squints at something off-screen.

Amanda Johnson: Just hang with me a few more minutes, Joey, they said they would release him soon.

Amanda's eyes light up.

Amanda Johnson: Here he comes!

It takes a minute or so before the object of Amanda's excitement is revealed. James Edwards enters the picture on a pair of crutches. The Burning Heart isn't exactly happy to see Amanda but he waves her over knowing the sooner she gets her interview the sooner he can leave.

Amanda Johnson: How's the knee?

James sighs.

James Edwards: It's been better, but thanks for asking.

Amanda Johnson: I know you're disappointed in how the match turned out, but that was a gutsy performance that no one is ever going to forget. May I have some quick thoughts on it and then I'll let you be on your way.

Edwards turns pensive. He looks at the floor and sighs again before returning his attention to Amanda.

James Edwards: I gave him the damn map to beat me, and I didn't even see it until it was too late.

Amanda Johnson: What do you mean?

James Edwards: My greatest weapon is my greatest enemy.

Amanda looks puzzled.

Amanda Johnson: Huh?

James Edwards: My greatest weapon is my greatest enemy. Have a good night, Amanda and have a happier New Year then I'm going to have.

Edwards resumes his crutch-assisted march as Johnson stares at him with a confused look on her face.

[Susan Kent]

Jessie Pederson notices Susan leaving Delikado's locker room and also notices she is no longer wearing a shoulder sling.

Jessie: Hey Susan, so no sling huh.

Susan: Not anymore, finally got cleared to wrestle.

Jessie: So you rehab sessions with Delikado worked out then.

Susan: Yeah, I think Sofia was suspicious though, she probably thought I was faking the injury the whole time.

Jessie: Okay.

Susan: Yeah all I need now are some in-ring training sessions to work this ring rust off.

Jessie: Well it great you back.

Thanks.

Off Camera.

Inside Susan's locker room.

Kendra: Well I see your back from visiting that old perv.

Susan: Well had to tell him my shoulder was healed, he and the rest of them actually think they helped me heal my shoulder.

Dana: Can't heal what was never injured in the first place.

Susan: I know that you know that Kendra knows that, but the rest of the idiots in FGA have no idea I was never injured.

Kendra: so what's next.

Susan: I'm working on something trust me.

[Seth Iser]

To the opposite side of the arena we catch Spencer Burke being followed by a camera man as he’s starting to head toward another locker room. He knocks on a door expecting a response. There’s a moment of silence before there’s no reply and he just decides to barge in for investigative reporting. What he finds is a man who has been crowned the new Pride champion, Seth Iser, sitting on a chair with his left arm bandaged to all hell and weakly dangling and the new hardware over his right shoulder. Seth glances up and tries to adjust how he’s sitting but is wincing, every little movement hurts and his body is just pouring the sweat.



Spencer Burke: Seth, it seems like you’ve gotten what you wanted here. You are the new Pride Champion joining names such as Jimmy Page, Johnny Karma, Fujiko Mine, and the woman you defeated in Izzy Anders even if there was a hint of controversy…



Seth Iser: Controversy?



Seth repeats that word as he lets out a grunt, he hasn’t changed out of his ring gear as he was getting his arm treated and he’s moving with visible discomfort as he works his way to his feet and towers over Spencer in that comical height difference.



Spencer Burke: Her foot was on the rope, Seth.



Seth Iser: She was DDT’d and then deprived of the championship. Short trip, bad landing. Ding ding ding. Your winner, your new Pride Champion...Seth Iser. And people need to say it loud and say it proud because I was the smartest guy in the room doing the smart thing to get this prestigious championship around my waist. I outsmarted everybody on that occasion. And I take great pride in BEING that smart guy. But I’m willing to admit there was a mistake made.



Seth then lets out another grunt almost doubling over while Spencer is not backing down from his point either even if he’s a bit intimidated by the wounded champion.



Seth Iser: Yes a mistake was made...not by Izzy...but by the ref. Did I do what any human being would in that situation if they were capable of it? Yes. I took advantage and hid the evidence of the mistake being made. This is part of what makes me as great as I am: I can take advantage of a rare ref mistake just as much as a mistake from the great wrestlers and turn it into my advantage. And guess what it turned into for me? I am THE Pride Champion and NOBODY can take that away from me. And anybody who is pissed off about how it happened needs to get over themselves because there were many other ways I could have won that match. Small package. Tombstone piledriver. Injection of Poison. Another DDT. Tonight was MY night, Spencer.



Spencer Burke: Some would say the break was more lucky than smart.



That gives Spencer an absolute death glare from Seth.



Seth Iser: You don’t luck into something like this, boy. And now that I’m the champion, you will treat me with the appropriate respect. That also means a few things are going to start changing here. You know what happened the last time I won a title? Many people in the back even if they didn’t like me...they respected the accomplishment enough to come back there and shake my hand and even say congratulations. Did anybody here in the back other than Dom Harter, a man who you wouldn’t often associate with respect, do that for me? No. Nobody did that. And that tradition of respect needs to come back. So number one: everybody here HAS to respect me. You don’t have to like me, and quite frankly I don’t give a damn if you do, but you HAVE to respect me, my legacy, and this championship.



Seth straightens himself while keeping the title over his shoulder and patting it with his right hand. He’s still not using his left arm for much of anything. He does put up the number two with his right hand.



Seth Iser: Second...Jenevieve Geroux, our general manager. I do humbly thank you for the opportunity and I proved you right. Now we have to have even more respect for one another’s position because you make the hard decisions and I’m worth even more to your brand and this company because of what happened. That also means you’ll have to treat me just a little bit nicer because of this power.



Iser steps forward and there is a semblance of a smile etched on his face as he gets to this one.



Seth Iser: Now...number three… Is to the former champion, the woman I defeated. This is to you Izzy. Every bit as hard of a striker and pointed a trash talker as you were the last time. As talented as anyone in those arts that one could ever see. But you fell short against Wrestling’s Greatest Mind for the second time. I was just that little bit better again. The first time you got yourself in position for Moretti to do something and I taught you that lesson. Then you put yourself in position for the ref to make that mistake and then I outsmarted him as well. Don’t worry, there is a silver lining. You have a wonderful legacy in this company with all of those championships you’ve accomplished in such a short time and all of those people, friends and ‘fans’ alike, will pick you back up talking about how great your ‘performance’ was so you can go home feeling just a little bit better about that terrible loss you just endured. But if you want to learn how I truly bested you and outsmarted the ref...there is a wonderful class in my wrestling school, The School of Tradition, and you can be fully educated on that my friend. Free of charge on that one. You can’t take a casual approach in the ring with me after all...and this is what happened. You will have your pride again. And be one step closer to perhaps being able to beat Wrestling’s Greatest Mind.



He lets out a light chuckle at that one and Spencer just winces at that one knowing who he is talking to.



Seth Iser: Fourth of all…



Seth says that next number and now his face is getting darker as he turns deadly serious and Spencer gulps noticeably considering his shift in gears.



Seth Iser: To all the critics silenced, to the people who were just lying to themselves when they said I couldn’t do it, to all the people who now want to jump on my bandwagon now that it is hot and it is way too late to do it because there is only room for one up here I have one simple message: you can all kiss my ass.



Spencer Burke: That’s not exa--



Seth Iser: Don’t interrupt me.



Seth eyeballs Spencer as he says that.



Seth Iser: And last...this interview is over. Why? I need to finish my treatment so I can go home and tell my daughter that her father is a champion again while also giving my wonderful pre-ancé a giant hug because they believed in me when nobody else in this damn building or industry did and they need to know that their faith in me has been rewarded. So thank you for your time, but you are dismissed, Spencer.



With that Seth then gives Spencer a light shove with his working arm that sends him stumbling more toward the door and Spencer just shakes his head and leaves along with the camera man.

[Deleted]

Interview Highlights: Dom Harter talks about Final Frontier, the FGA draft, his relationship with Annie Zellor, and what the future holds for them both.

The following interview highlights were provided to PWTorch.com by the producers of the podcast excerpted below…

Show: Interactive Wrestling Radio
Guest: Dom Harter
Date: 01/17/19
Host: James Walsh

Frontier Grappling Arts recently held their flagship pay-per-view, Final Frontier. Held over two nights in New York, the company managed to sell out the Times Union Center for both nights, where we saw Evan Envi become the first man to win the Frontier Lions Cup for a second time, as well as Seth Iser and Kendall Kingham capturing FGA gold.

But one man who ended the year on a possible low note is the Hall of Famer and Grand Slam winner, Dom Harter. Having been eliminated in the semi finals by the eventual winner of the tournament, Harter missed out on his chance to become a Golden Crown winner.

FGA’s Final Frontier is available to watch on the Axxess Network app now.

· On his performance in the Frontier Lions Cup: “In the end it was disappointing – an improvement over last time, but still disappointing. Don’t get me wrong, the victories over Seth and Sadie were great. Especially Sadie, because anytime I get to piss her off is fine by me. But to lose to Evan Envi like that is just galling. He knows he’s on my enemy list now though, and this defeat isn’t going to stop me. I’ll get my Golden Crown soon enough.”

· On the Frontier Lions Cup itself: “I’ll tell you what, the Flashpoint side surprised me a lot. When it was first announced I’d have bet anything on Johnny Karma being the one to end up in the final. But all credit to Logan Alexander for getting as far as he did. Shintaro Majima showed what he can do on his own as well. Which is good, since Smart Style will be going their separate ways this year.”

· On if he thinks Evan can go on to become FGA World Champion again: “With Ricky [Valero] and Nat [McKinley] in his corner anything is possible. But the general manager will probably ban them from ringside when he gets his shot at Kol, because it’s the fair thing to do. Even then, yeah Evan can probably beat Kol.”

· On the Pride title changing hands: “I’m happy for Seth. He’s worked long and hard throughout 2018 to earn that title shot, and he took his chance. Sure he’s getting some flack for the finish, and of all the ‘questionable’ decisions that weekend this is the sword that Jenevieve Geroux wants to fall on for some reason. But, you know, FGA is a ‘plague’ so these things are bound to happen now and then.”

· On his tag team with Seth Iser in Renegade Wrestling: “There was mutual respect there. Smurf was on the lookout for tag teams for his new company, and Annie wasn’t available because of her MMA career and an injury had her on the sidelines. So I asked Seth if he was looking for a new stomping ground, and Lariat Inc was born. We’re undefeated so far, so I think it’s working out.”

· On his relationship with Annie Zellor: “We just got engaged, as you know. Looking at a 2020 wedding, so I’m sure I won’t be getting moaned at too much throughout this year to help her make those important decisions. But we’re happy together, already got two pets and there’s talk of a child in a few years if the time is right.”

· On Annie’s current plans: “That concussion sidetracked her a bit, but she’s getting back on course. Hopefully she gets that shot against Marlon Cure soon – the two of them together in the ring is going to be great! Even better if she can become a three time Mid-Atlantic Legacy champion. Then, Annie’s just got her MMA career started again, so she’s intent on making the best of that. Her first fight for Slaughta Fight Nights is coming up later this month, which we’re both excited for. And she’s recently signed for Rose City Wrestling after that UK tour we did for them last year, and her debut is coming up there later this month as well.”

· On the FGA draft: “Sad to see Jae [Ramsey] get drafted to Flashpoint. We’re going to miss her here, and with Chris [Bond] retiring after Final Frontier we’re down two members now. But she’ll do great things over there, I know it. Other than that, the tag division on Vertigo is going to pick up with the Polychromatic Lion Atttack Squad, The Fam, and The Resistance coming over. Good riddance to Pendragon and Sadie San Francisco! Nice to see Chris Madison back in FGA, shame he’s on Flashpoint. And I can’t blame Flashpoint for getting rid of Karma or Stryker after their FLC performances!”

· On what he hopes to achieve in 2019: “As I mentioned before: The Golden Crown. That’ll be the main thing I’m working towards. Since HKW closed right after Annie and I won those tag titles, I’d like to win another set and actually have the chance to be a champion again. FGA or Renegade, maybe somewhere else if the opportunity arises. And I know Annie’s got her sights on the Mid-Atlantic Legacy title in FGA, and that Macaria Championship in RCW. And she’s wanting to go the distance in the Young Guns Cup this year, and beat her quarter final record and do better than I did too. Bit of friendly rivalry there.”

[Delikado]

Voice-Over: The Final Frontier may have come and gone, but the chance to experience FGA’s #1 Contender for wrestling goodness as showcased by a theme park has JUST begun! The Delikado Parking Lotta Fun is even MORE fun, MORE lotta, and MORE not taking any parking whatsoever!!!

Cue lots of flashy images of Delikado’s bizarre parking lot (without a parking lot)/Disneyland creation over pulsing music and finally the lavish title card.

~DELIKADO’S PARKING LOTTA FUN~

Voice-Over: That’s right! Though it’s only been a hot, sweaty, throbbing, veiny minute since the park’s foundation the ante HAAAASS BEEEEEEEEEEN UUUUUUUPPPPPPPPED! It started when the people heard that Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun was built and run by wrestling’s only certifiable—sorry, that’s CERTIFIED Cuban! Who WOULDN’T wanna be part of that?! Then, the park’s already class “Aye-Eff” menu was “Aye-Effed” some more when it introduced an entire food line centered around the key portion of Delikado’s name—the COD! That’s exactly what I said: a menu of nothing but COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD, not to mention cod by-products!! And it’s worked! Look at these graphs and shit!











Voice-Over: But if you don’t subscribe to math or other superstitious garbage, listen to these reviews from real people. Yes, you heard right—REAL people, not actors, despite the fact actors are typically real people!

Cut to a rather stereotypical “hot blonde” who was probably put on-screen for her looks alone based on her review.

Hot Blonde: Like, O-M-G, Delikado is SOOOOOO, like, certified!

Now we cut to a man standing and looking off-camera with a wide-eyed expression and a voice suggesting he’s reading lines just out of view…and not very well.

Man: Yes…I love the cod. It is the bomb, and also tasty. Give me…Give me all the cod, please. ……..Mmmmmmm. Shutting down.

As the human/totally not a robot starts to run out of battery life and collapse, the scene expertly cuts to a camera that is chasing a man who looks suspiciously like Sam Neill.

Sam Neill: Get the <BEEP> away from me. I told you, I’m not endorsing your park!

Static takes over before we return to the graphics of Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun.

Voice-Over: WOW! But if that wasn’t enough, in the famous fallout of Final Frontier, from out of literally THE most important thing to happen at the Supershow, Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun is now operating in joint-collusion between Delikado and the lovely, banging, two arms working 150% Susan Kent!!!

Staged applause and cheers go up as camera-shots of Susan Kent fly across the screen. More recordings of real people, not actors, appear on-screen.

Woman: Woooooooo! I love you Susan!

A man in Susan Kent clothing (as in, dressed like her, not wearing merchandise) pushes the woman aside.

Man: Not as much as me! I'll kill anyone who tries to outdo my love for Susan Kent!

Security Guard: GET HIM, HE'S TRYING TO BOTHER DELIKADO'S TAG TEAM PARTNER!

They tackle the man. Cut to a dog.

Dog: Bark bark! (with subtitles: Susan Kent and Delikado, together in FGA? The gods do smile upon us and do away with my previous desire to suicide by chocolate!)

A glamour shot of Susan Kent blows up on-screen.

Voice-Over: OHHHHH YEAH, I want some of that! All other teams BEWARE, not just the Tag Team Champions, but AAAAAAALLLLLLLL! It’s a partnership for the ages, built on mutual respect for the industry, uber-honesty, and a whole buncha other invaluable tag team stuff—most importantly, team names! Introducing…

SusieKado!

~STATIC~

DeliKento!

~STATIC~

The Cuban & Chick Connection

~STATIC~

Scent of a Woman (Or Maybe the Old Guy Next to Her)

…………………………………………………………

~STATIC~

[Team Name Under Construction]

Voice-Over: RIIIIIIIIIGHT OOOOOOOOOOOON! Nobody knows where these two great competitors will go, but you can bet now that Delikado and Susan are together, sweet, sweet babies of VICTORY will be made! Let’s hear it from the man himself and see what kind of surprises await in Frontier Grappling Arts now that this hot new team is on the scene. He’s the original architect behind Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun, the teaming with Susan Kent, and a whole smorgasbord of other good stuff and things……Delikado!

Transition to Delikado sitting in his wheelchair facing dead ahead at the camera. All the music stops and we remain glued exclusively to the wrinkly greyed Cuban, who we see is without explanation dressed like Colonel Sanders, waiting on whatever he’s going to say.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Sofia Monzón: <off-camera> Alright, cut! I knew this was a stupid waste of time!

…….

Sofia Monzón: <off-camera> ….Because you’re STILL a goddamn lobster that can’t speak, you wheeled doorstop! And you’ve yet to explain WHY you’re dressed like that!

………………..

Sofia Monzón: <off-camera> YOU CAN’T SAY THAT ON TV, ESPECIALLY TV-14! Delikado—DELIKADO! “Finger-lickin’ good” when applied to a person, even Kent, is—NO, NO! SHUT IT DOWN!!

We jump back to the flashy park visuals.

Voice-Over: I’m weeping actual tears, that was SO inspiring! No doubt <robot voice> insert team name <normal voice> is going to rock the very foundations of FGA unlike any other unit yet seen! If you want to get in on that epicness, and more, come down to a Vertigo show near you! And while you wait for the show to begin, skip merrily over to Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun and GET HYPED with all the high quality you’ve come to know and love, as well as all NEW stuff you’ll equally love, or at least recall with “huh, that was kinda neat” on your deathbed! Because why would you want to wash Flashpoint?!

~DELIKADO’S PARKING LOTTA FUN~

Voice-Over: Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun! Now with additional Susan Kent aftertaste! This time…IT’S FOR REAL!

Warning: Attempts to park will result in homicide

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Part-time detective, full-time FGA purveyor of foodstuffs Frik Snackey is standing in front of a dweebish-looking man in a tight business suit. The behemoth of a man looks in utter disbelief, building up into rage, at what he’s just heard.

Frik Snackey: But Captain Dick Pict, you can’t be serious! After all I’ve said, why in the world WOULDN’T you pursue criminal charges against these…SCUM?!

Major Dick Pict: First off, it’s Major Dick Pict, Snackey. Promotions and whatnot since the new management took over in FGA. Second, the company doesn’t have any proof except your word, which, while valuable…in its own way…is not evidence of a crime, much less material showcasing “snack-job” as you delightfully put it.

Frik Snackey: Grrrrrr, I didn’t say that to “delight” you, I said it because that’s what it is! Those three villains, Delikado and his gang, have snacked the selection to exploit this business for their own selfish gain! I can only suspect the alliance with Susan Kent was done to further their ambitions in that department! She’s a “model type”, always staying “body conscious” and “eating healthy”. I’ve never even seen her SNIFF a Milky Way, much less blend a bucketful and drink it, as nature intended!

Major Dick Pict: ……Hmmmmm…

Frik Snackey: Just…Just let me talk to Madame Geroux face-to-face. I know the GM will understand and allow me to bring them to justice if she gets all the nutritional facts!

Major Dick Pict: Jenevieve Geroux already got your letters and petitions…all 99 of them.

Frik Snackey: Well good, because note 100 I made sure is a doozy, a real emotion-churner that’ll turn anybody and everybody against those apple shitters! It’s a letter from the victim, written in dying agony after being torn up by that monster Jakeway. I made sure to recover every detail!

He goes to pull a letter from his pocket and read some of it.

Frik Snackey: Ahem! It’s titled ”Candy Kittens Gourmet Sweets to the World”

Dear World,
By the time you receive this letter, my gourmet, lemon-flavored sweetness will have left for a vending machine in the sky. Only Frik Snackey, purveyor of delicious treats, has listened to the contents of my soul and packaging to gather these thoughts into parchment. Though a candy wanting to see and bring happiness to all, being vegan, I can make no defense for Ewan Jakeway eating me when taken through theft, and his protection by Delikado, Sofia Monzón, and any others who might side with them, leaves me to put my suffering before their vanity and Millennial instant-gratification—

Major Dick Pict pushes the letter down and calmly addresses Snackey, who has begun to well up with emotion.

Major Dick Pict: Snackey, I’m going to stop you right there. This is something that just….it cannot be. The GM and the rest of FGA management have looked over the relevant info. Delikado is one of FGA’s newest acquisitions, and honestly, he might be one of the most exciting we’ve gotten in a while! He’s got this mystical aura about him, something the fans want to see more of. He’s obviously talented. He’s got DRIVE, and he’s, like, 500 years old or something!

Frik Snackey: But what about his gang, Monzón and Jakeway?! They attacked me in the process of making my arrest!

Major Dick Pict: That’s another thing, Snackey. You CAN’T go around and arrest people. You may be an FGA alumni as the company’s snack man, someone who’s been here since the beginning, but seizing people to haul off to jail is NOT in your power. All we got from that is a fight that made a mess of the place, a very loud exhibition that, frankly, is not like the Frik Snackey I know…

Frik Snackey: What’re you trying to say, Major Dick Pict?

Major Dick Pict: I don’t believe you’ve ever truly recovered from the Michelle Obama healthy eating and snacks era.

Frik Snackey: No! I made my peace with that dark time in my life.

Major Dick Pict: That’s racist. Anyway, it’s obvious you haven’t. In all your time here, you never brawled, you never held inquisitions, you never even appeared on camera! You were a good, honest man who never did anything wrong. Now we have staff asking, “who’s the big bald guy going around mumbling about snacks and harassing employees?”

Frik Snackey: Okay, maybe I came out of the vending machine too hard, but that’s only because these people, your newfound “mystical” Cuban and his friends, interrupted the nature of our business in a way unlike anyone else EVER would’ve dared! I saw red, and realized in these trying snack times, I had to get personal if I was going to salvage the old ways of our world!

Major Dick Pict: The alleged rumor that you got info by kissing people and “absorbing their snack intel” is also troubling…I’m sorry, Snackey, but you are forbidden to pursue this vegan candy thing further. The GM put the word out from me to you: you cannot go near Delikado or any of his people. Not backstage, not in matches, no contact between you all in FGA. It might hurt the talent or take away from the wrestling scene. You either go back to serving the company behind the scenes as our snack purveyor, or you go home until you’ve cleared your head of this fanaticism, because any more things like you’ve done so far, and we’ll have to let you go. If there IS a problem with Delikado or his managers, we will handle it.

Snackey is immediately crestfallen as he looks at the letter in his hand and then to the Major.

Frik Snackey: But I…The case…

Dick Pict seems to be getting a little fed up now as his brow furrows.

Major Dick Pict: “Case?” For heaven’s sake, Frik, you’re NOT a cop, and it’s a VEGAN SNACK! Look, I’ve said my piece, and I’ve got to go. You just relax, maybe enjoy a nice walk at the park, feed some pigeons or something.

With that, the Major walks off, leaving Snackey to hover about, lost in his thoughts. His eyes slightly pulsate as he mumbles. His mouth twitches into a steady snarl with each word.

Frik Snackey: It’s not just vegan snacks….It’s Veganuary….and the vegan snacks will have their justice!

He throws his head back and roars to the skies in a violent rage.

Frik Snackey: VEGANUARY!!!!!!!!

The wrathful tremors send the FGA snack purveyor to his knees. The scene cuts to some later point with Snackey indeed walking idly around a park—shambling about like a man with nowhere to go and nothing to do. The anger has seemingly subsided, and now he just looks like a broken titan. Up ahead, there’s some laughing that he initially shuts out completely. It’s coming from some pigeons that talk like parrots.

Carrier-Pigeon A: Sqwak! So what happened? Did you bring him his change, sqwak?

Carrier-Pigeon B: Hell no, sqwak! I made major moneys and took this fine dove to the opera!

Carrier-Pigeon C: Ohhh, that one with the big ol breasts, sqwak??

Carrier-Pigeon B: The very one, sqwak! Let’s just say she was so swooning, her delivery was “same day”, hahahahah, sqwak!

Carrier-Pigeon A: But aren’t you worried Delikado will be mad if you’re ripping off his manager, sqwak!?

Snackey immediately snaps out of his “woe is me” trance.

Carrier-Pigeon B: Maaaaan, I don’t work for Jakeway and Delikado knows that, sqwak! He’s a refined Cuban who can appreciate a pigeon trying to rake in that dough in this bird’s eye view, sqwak.

Frik Snackey: Excuse me, pigeons, but did I overhear you talking about Delikado of FGA wrestling fame?

Carrier-Pigeon B: You did, human thumb-head, sqwak.

The pigeons laugh amongst themselves at Snackey’s expense, but the big guy doesn’t appear bothered by that, only getting info.

Frik Snackey: How do you know him…?

Carrier-Pigeon A: Yo, we ain’t Google you can just go to anytime you need the what-what, or get your search history farmed out to the world for free, sqwak!

Snackey pauses and then begins to understand. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of Cheetos. He tosses a few to the ground and the pigeons follow their basic instincts to eat whatever is thrown to them.

Carrier-Pigeon C: Oh hells yeah, this dude got them hella SPICY Cheetos, sqwak!

Carrier-Pigeon B: MmmMMMM, I’mma be pooping lava on some guy’s car tonight, but it’ll be worth it, sqwak!

Frik Snackey: Information.

Carrier-Pigeon B: A’ight, fair enough, albino Shrek, sqwak! We’re the Carrier Pigeon Mafia, set up by Delikado to collect and send out mail and other info for him in place of technology.

Frik Snackey: And would there happen to be any….mail or info…that you could let slip to me?

Carrier-Pigeon C: You a cop, sqwak?

Frik Snackey: *dramatic pause* No.

A few more Cheetos drop.

Carrier-Pigeon B: Either way, I dunno if I’m up for that kinda service, sqwak! I mean, we ain’t slaves to the man, but Delikado takes cares of his own, and to just give you the looky-loo in his mail defies a carrier-pigeon creed, sqwak!

Finding he’s out of Cheetos, Snackey slowly reaches into his other pocket and removes a “family size” bag of Chex Mix. The eyes of the pigeons go wide.

Carrier-Pigeon B: Holy cow, forget the creed, albino Shrek got that CHEX MIX, BOOOOIIIIII, sqwak!

The carrier-pigeons toss away their respective mail deliveries at his feet, and in return Snackey gives them the entire Chex Mix bag. While they feast on their snack, Snackey feasts on the info in the letters.

Frik Snackey: Tshck….Half of this is love note gibberish to Susan Kent.

Carrier-Pigeon B: She’s the human equivalent to the big breasted dove, at least to him, sqwak! Ohh, look at this variety of vittles, sqwak!

Frik Snackey: …What’s this one directed to Sweden?

Carrier-Pigeon B: Ah, that, sqwak? Delikado has a history with a Swede and is looking to branch out his wrestling-business empire to that area. Problem is he ain’t as close with his compatriots there as he was, so that letter’s meant to begin paving smoother relations between em, sqwak!

Frik Snackey: So a former alliance that could be made into…..an enemy.

Carrier-Pigeon B: Whatever you say, albino Shrek, sqwak! C’mon, boys, let’s go find us some doves to impress with this load, sqwak!

The pigeons fly off together with the big bag of Chex Mix as Frik Snackey pockets the letter from Delikado to someone in Sweden. A determined look crosses his features, not so much rage as defiance of the situation into which he was previously placed.

Frik Snackey: If I can’t squeeze those criminals directly in FGA, I’ll find indirect means to tear them down. Delikado, Sofia Monzón, Ewan Jakeway, Susan Kent, anyone else who stands in the way of justice will pay. Grrrrrr….

In something of a signature move, he throws his head back and screams to the heavens.

Frik Snackey: TO SWEDEN!!!!! NORDIC SOCIAL WELFARE!!!!!!

The camera shoots up dramatically as we cut to black and end this piece of fallout to Final Frontier.