A Commercial, An Interrogation, And A Boy/Girl Brawl
Jan 3, 2019 18:19:47 GMT -5
Post by Delikado on Jan 3, 2019 18:19:47 GMT -5
Voice-Over: Have you made experiencing enriching EXCITEMENT and otherworldly FUN part of your New Year’s Resolution, but been too much of a philistine to know how to go about fulfilling something so seemingly ARCHAIC in these stiff, PC, Über-serious DEATH TIMES? Well, do WE have a place for YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!! Delikado and FGA proudly present:
Cue flashy lights and overdone sounds as a video kick-starts over an insane-looking amusement park.
Voice-Over: That’s right! Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun is HERE and it’s READY to take you all in! What was once a boring, non-handicap accessible flatbread of subpar pavement is now THE talk of not just the wresting world, but the ENTIRE world! Before you entertain yourself with Frontier Grappling Arts' quintessential programming of pro wrestling goodness, get a taste of OUR goodness, starting with stuffed Schnitzel doused in tasty, tasty grease as it cooks over a consistently running open flame. They’re THE BOMB!
Cue an explosion sound-effect over visuals of smoking Schnitzel followed by some last-second audio clearly missed by the video editor.
Man: OH MY GOD HE’S DE--
Voice-Over: Want your child to become as big a wrestling fan as you were as a wee baby, but conscious that they sometimes need food to live? Hand em a big bag of our oversized nuts and say “Go to town, Timmy!” while you enjoy Vertigo talent and also Flashpoint other guys! And don’t worry about choking under the intensity of our massive nuts. Underpaid EMT’s are standing by to give your infant the Heinrich Himmler maneuver! And vegans need not feel left out, for our food court comes equipped with the finest greens available, courtesy of FGA’s lawncare services—they can do it all, folks!
Sounds of a lawnmower running are briefly heard over visuals of someone eating a salad.
Voice-Over: Once your belly’s full, head on over to make some new amigos at our community Bingo game! Then kill those newly acquired friends over their cheating-at-Bingo ways at the gladiator pit next door! But if physical activity such as this is not your forte, then hit the road….in our “Funtier Scrappling Go-Karts!” These epic rides go from 0 to 1000 in no time at all, and legend has it some of the karts are even equipped with the power to make one GO BACK IN TIME!!! Yeaaaah! Back to the Future up in this mother—
Boy: My sister drove a Funtier Scrappling Go-Kart, and she went SOOOOOO fast, she was sent back to a time where she wasn’t ALIVE! It’s awesome! I’m gonna get, like, twice the Christmas presents!
Voice-Over: So get on it NOW before your chance to live the life you want is gone! Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun also comes with a petting zoo, but this isn’t your sissy great-grandmother’s petting zoo! In the wresting spirit, the Delikado Lab of Science has biochemically altered all the animals to showcase the abilities of Brian Jacques’ “Redwall” characters! There’s mice with swords, wildcats that raise conquering armies, hares that kick and punch like nobody’s business, and even a giant badger that goes apeshit and strangles your sissy great-grandmother for continuing to think this is HER type of petting zoo! Do note that the Delikado Parking Lotta Fun petting zoo is only on offer while the animals have refrained from going to bloody war against one another, as is their wont in Redwall fashion, so head on over TODAY!
Cue dramatic flashes of animals with weapons amongst all the other madness of the environment. An oversized rat in battle armor leaps toward the camera with a spear, forcing a cut-off.
Voice-Over: The Delikado Parking Lotta Fun! Packaged up and following each and every Frontier Grappling Arts show as part of the expansion you never knew your wrestling universe needed…UNTIL NOW! Come see what the new year has in store for you, and improve as a human being! Thank us later! For now, just get your tickets and be part of the new industry standard! The Delikado Parking Lotta Fun!!!
Warning: No parking available.
Static ends the video promotion of Delikado’s parking lot-turned-super flashy (and possibly lethal) Disneyland rip-off.
We return to the present where Ewan Jakeway is pushing Delikado in his wheelchair down a hallway, presumably a FGA one since he practically seems to live there since acquiring a contract with the company.
Ewan Jakeway: I will say, Deli, business is definitely picking up for us here. I mean, your Disneyland carnival thing is weird, but it’s already brought a lot of attention, which can only be good for the company, right? Free publicity brings curiosity and thus heightened viewership! Meanwhile you’re winning matches to undo your old man curse; Susan’s therapy seems to be going well, which can only make our alliance stronger; and Sofia and I’s relationship is getting so strong and made us so independent, I don’t even know WHAT she’s doing right now! It keeps things fresh, ha, ha! …Erhmmm…
Ewan frowns as he continues pushing his Cuban client, who even in his coma-state appears bored by this conversation.
Ewan Jakeway: Of course, I still haven’t cracked this conspiracy over the candy thief and my being set up as a fall guy. Susan said I should look around and watch how people on the FGA roster view us but…but everyone seems so caught up in their own feuds and title hunts that they wouldn’t take the time to smuggle contraband on little old me! *sigh* I’ve got to figure this out and clear my name, Deli, before that candyman—
Suddenly, Frik Snackey pops around the corner right in front of the duo and holds up his badge.
Frik Snackey: Frik Snackey, part-time detective, full-time FGA purveyor of foodstuffs and vittles--specialty snacks. I’d like to talk to you and your client, Mr. Jakeway, ask a few questions.
Ewan Jakeway: Yipes, candyman! I-I-I mean…y-y-yes, of c-course.
Frik Snackey: Careful. Say “candyman” four more times and something terrible is rumored to happen.
Snackey puts away his badge and takes a deep inhale as he looks over Ewan, and then down to Delikado in the wheelchair.
Frik Snackey: I know about you. Both of you. Quite the hungry competitors. You’ve done a lot to satisfy your cravings in this business for the last 12-plus years. Nothing eats away at you. Nobody has the stomach to go to the lengths you have for the triumph. That’s why you devour as you do, as you’ve done, both before FGA and since your arrival—Bristow and Barnes can attest to that.
Though he’s almost certainly the one being addressed, Delikado continues to hang his head down, giving no signs of life outside the ring as per usual.
Ewan Jakeway: Y-You’ll have to f-f-forgive my client, Mr. S-S-Snackey. He can’t speak f-f-f-for hims-s-s-self in his current form, even t-t-t-t-to flattery…
Frik Snackey: Well that’s okay, because right now it’s you I want to talk to, Ewan.
He speaks in a no-nonsense, borderline monotone, with a blank mask of a face that intimidates Ewan far more than any emotional outburst or snarl might.
Frik Snackey: For starters, let me understand where you were on the night of FGA’s Seven Year Anniversary show.
Ewan Jakeway: I….I was here.
Frik Snackey: And where is this… “here” place?
Ewan Jakeway: Ummm….huh?
Frik Snackey: “Huh.” A likely story. You seem to be incapable of understanding the situation. A vending machine was violated. A snack was ripped away and bitten to pieces, unpaid for through interference. Perhaps it was hacking, perhaps some brute force. Either way, the criminal did the deed and escaped, leaving only shattered remnants of its baggage behind. Now a vegan snack, Candy Kittens Gourmet Sweets, is gone from this plane, and I have to do all I can to find the beast who took them, to see they’re brought down. The industry—not just FGA, but the very business we occupy—will tear itself apart unless this crime is solved. So I will ask again, where were you in connection with the RAPE of the Candy Kittens Gourmet Sweets?
Ewan Jakeway: I….I…..
Ewan is quickly losing what little composure he might’ve wielded. Snackey inhales and exhales, his piercing blue eyes narrowing ever so slightly.
Frik Snackey: If you won’t talk, maybe your mouth will.
With no further warning, he grabs Ewan by both sides of his face and kisses him square on the mouth! And this isn’t like a quick peck on the lips, this is straight up Frenching to the point it’s like Snackey’s trying to eat poor Ewan’s mouth. Ewan fights back and pushes the titan of a man back with some effort.
Ewan Jakeway: *gasp* Oh my Lordy Lord….DUDE! Not cool, man! I mean, I’m totally for men doing stuff with other men, all the power to em, but that’s not ME! I have a girl and…oh maaaaan, you just made me a cheater!!
Ewan panics as he looks about for some kind of salvation. His only potential aid, Delikado, is just idly being his ol dead-like self.
Frik Snackey: Relax, what I did doesn’t make you a cheater. But it does confirm something for me and the case.
Ewan Jakeway: OH JEEEEZ…I mean….I see….*cough* Yes, good, good…….Quick question: What’s going to happen to any criminal you catch related to this?
Frik Snackey: I’ve been with FGA since the start, keeping to the background because everyone here knew the law of the land on food. I’d try to promote snacks for the wrestlers, but all they’d want to do is pump their veins with steroids over sweet treats. Worse, they’d “eat healthy.” Whatever, so long as proper dues were paid, I remained in the shadows. Then something like THIS happens, unlike anything the FGA’s ever seen? It’s unprecedented. Therefore, to answer your question, the punishment will be unprecedented. I’ll have to disassemble the perpetrator, see what went wrong in their blood sugar to make them go crazy, in order to see that this never happens again.
Ewan Jakeway: B-But couldn’t it just all be a misunderstanding? A vending machine off-kilter? Maybe the person started to eat the snack and was startled by something, like a….like a loud noise, or-or the sight of presents?! It WAS around Christmas time! Maybe Santa was hungry for something besides cookies! Why would you need to do all this for a simple mistake or Santa??
Frik Snackey: You don’t get it. Snacks are EVERYTHING in the sports business. I was designed to hunt down violators of that creed. Pay to chomp-ay. And now…I do believe I’ve done my duty.
Snackey opens his mouth wide, like a snake about to devour a hippo, and pulls out a snack wrapper from one corner. Quick reveal shows it to be the old wrapper for the Candy Kittens Gourmet Sweets that the detective/snack purveyor ate a while back at the 7YA.
Frik Snackey: You taste just like this wrapper. The essence is faded, perhaps scrubbed away with mouthwash and other foodstuffs to cover up any trace, but I’ve been trained well and done this for years upon years. I’m not fooled. Everything was candied peaches until you all showed up. Suddenly there’s power outages and snacks disappear. The timing is too close to be coincidental. Nobody else in FGA would DARE to tamper with the law I made like some “out of towners” with notorious histories of rule-breaking and self-indulging hunger like Delikado, Sofia Monzón, and Ewan Jakeway.
Ewan looks at the wrapper and then to Snackey in disbelief.
Ewan Jakeway: But I…I…I’m a good boy—err, man!
Frik Snackey: Then tell me the nutritional facts. That’s the thing about me, Ewan: I’m the biggest stickler for facts. I follow the law, and I do it to the letter. Fairness is a cornerstone of snacking. If YOU’RE the good one and the other two are the bad ones, fairness will see them get their just…………snacks.
Waaaaaay smooth on the “pun”, detective. All the same, Ewan is in a cold sweat, looking ready to break.
Ewan Jakeway: I…I….Oh fu--
Meanwhile, somewhere else in the same building, Sofia Monzón is busy spying on a group of women several yards away. She’s dressed up as a member of FGA staff to appear more convincing (though to be fair, she’s probably way hotter than usual FGA stagehands). Under a FGA hat her dark eyes glance up from her pretend work to her actual work as she briefly watches the women down the way. It’s too hard to visually tell who they are, so we’re forced to rely on Sofia’s verbal clue to give us a hint on who she’s spying on.
Sofia Monzón: Might fool those idiots, but you can’t fool me, you fake bitch Kent…<BEEP that’s too close to “Kent” for censors> is more like it…Show me your weakness that’s not actually weak. …Why am I talking to myself like this? Damn it, girl, you’re spending way too much time with Delikado, and Ewan for that matter…*sigh*
Clearly Sofia is working to spy on her client’s newly acquired ally, Susan Kent, trying to find out if her shoulder injury is real or not.
Sofia Monzón: C’mon! All I need is for you to go and lift your 500-pound bag of makeup and use it on your balloon head! Something!
The women, apparently Susan and her friends, are unaware of Sofia’s presence. Delikado’s manager subtly holds up a mini camera and stays focused, ready to take a picture the instant Susan gives any impression her shoulder injury is fake. Again, if it IS Susan, which is more or less impossible to tell from our viewpoint. Still, Sofia seems certain, and she's the serious one.
Sofia Monzón: She’s not even that hot! Writing all those <BEEP>ing love poems for THAT?! That rat bastard Cuban never wrote ME love poems when we were together all those years….*inhale* focus, focus….Hold up, what’s she….?
The one girl that *might* be Susan does something with her arms, no doubt something nobody could do with a shoulder injury like hers, but before Sofia can get more intel, an exceptionally loud screech of a sound echoes throughout the entire facility, like a turkey fused with a cat being stepped on by an airhorn that’s also personifying the sound level that can shatter glass. A few other FGA staffers walk by looking curiously around.
FGA Staffer #1: What’s that awful noise? It sounds like a woman in trouble!
FGA Staffer #2: And yet it also sounds like a man at the same time?
Sofia Monzón: Ewan!
She looks back toward her spying target who is leaving, weighing her options with a scowl.
Sofia Monzón: Grrrrr, damn it!
Angry but resigned, Sofia pockets her camera and runs off toward the sound. We return to Jakeway who is running for his life while also pushing Delikado in his wheelchair (loyal almost to a fault it seems) as a bulldog-looking Frik Snackey chases the pair.
Frik Snackey: YOU CAN’T ESCAPE ME!!!
Ewan Jakeway: I’M A GOOD BOY, I’M A GOOD BOY, I’M A GOOD BOY *looks over his shoulder*…OH GOOD GRIEF BUT I’M ABOUT TO BE A DEAD GOOD BOY!!!
Snackey is literally drooling with anticipation as he closes the gap between him and his “perp” to inches. Just when it looks like the end is near, however, Sofia spears Snackey from the side and they both crash into a wall! Snackey pounces back against Sofia and the two begin to fight like they’re in The Matrix (minus flying and whatnot), the former sparing no effort as he punches the latter with closed fists. A natural-born fighter herself, Sofia takes the shots and knees Snackey in the gut before she flips up and clocks him in the jaw with her heel. They both back up and stare each other down.
Frik Snackey: So, the gang’s all here…Fine with me! Even the worst snacks never come alone!
When it becomes clear neither will back down, Snackey roars and charges Sofia, who leaps away. She looks for some kind of assist, then spots her client chilling in his wheelchair (Ewan is cowering under a table). With quick reflexes and all her might she grabs the comatose Delikado, and THROWS HIM AT SNACKEY LIKE AN INANIMATE OBJECT! Clearly the Cuban is heavier than he looks, as his deadweight causes Snackey to nearly fall over, but he catches himself and now starts to use the limp Deli like a club, swinging here and there trying to drop the more agile Spaniard. Seeing danger coming Sofia run forward, but then dives between Snackey’s legs and kips up behind him. She grabs hold of a nearby cord and proceeds to try and use it to strangle the titan! This initially works, until Snackey roars again and snaps Delikado backwards, hitting Sofia roughly over the head with her own client over and over until she releases the cord. Snackey tosses Delikado away and then scoops up the dazed Sofia, mercilessly throwing her directly through some drywall into the next room over! The bear-like Snackey begins to hobble toward Sofia, who weakly tries to lift herself up in the debris, but crumbles flat to the ground. The brute of a man proceeds to drag her up by the hair and fling her like a ragdoll closer to her two comrades, making it clear the fight is over, and not in their favor.
Ewan Jakeway: My love, noooooooooooooo!
Snackey just snickers.
Frik Snackey: It’s over! You three criminals are--
HAPPY NEW YEAR FLASH MOB!!!
Suddenly, a flash mob breaks out of dozens and dozens of people running out and dancing to bring in the new year. They crowd around the scene, getting between the victor and the defeated.
Flash Mobber: Wooooooo! Happy 2019, friend!
Snackey snarls in confused rage.
Frik Snackey: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! NEW YEARS WAS DAYS AGO!!!
Flash Mobber: Yeah, but flash mobs were also a thing YEARS ago and we’re doing THAT now too! It’s hip! C’mon big man, party with us! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The flash mobbers work to coax Snackey to dance and party with them despite his vehement protests. Meanwhile, Jakeway has put Delikado back in his wheelchair and pulled Sofia up as well from the wreckage. Sofia looks through her bruised and bleeding eyes to this lastminute rescue and groans through her pain.
Sofia Monzón: Let’s get the hell out of here, Ewan….
The timid Ewan shows enough bravery to guide his limping partner and their client away from the scene. By now the flash mob has gotten Frik Snackey off to the side, though he’s able to break away long enough to get back to the battlefield and gaze about for his suspects. When he sees they’ve escaped, he lets out a mighty roar of rage and screams to the heavens themselves.
Frik Snackey: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!!!!!!
The 2019 flash mob party goes on around Snackey as he stews in his boiling wrath. The scene cuts to black.
~DELIKADO’S PARKING LOTTA FUN~
Cue flashy lights and overdone sounds as a video kick-starts over an insane-looking amusement park.
Voice-Over: That’s right! Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun is HERE and it’s READY to take you all in! What was once a boring, non-handicap accessible flatbread of subpar pavement is now THE talk of not just the wresting world, but the ENTIRE world! Before you entertain yourself with Frontier Grappling Arts' quintessential programming of pro wrestling goodness, get a taste of OUR goodness, starting with stuffed Schnitzel doused in tasty, tasty grease as it cooks over a consistently running open flame. They’re THE BOMB!
Cue an explosion sound-effect over visuals of smoking Schnitzel followed by some last-second audio clearly missed by the video editor.
Man: OH MY GOD HE’S DE--
Voice-Over: Want your child to become as big a wrestling fan as you were as a wee baby, but conscious that they sometimes need food to live? Hand em a big bag of our oversized nuts and say “Go to town, Timmy!” while you enjoy Vertigo talent and also Flashpoint other guys! And don’t worry about choking under the intensity of our massive nuts. Underpaid EMT’s are standing by to give your infant the Heinrich Himmler maneuver! And vegans need not feel left out, for our food court comes equipped with the finest greens available, courtesy of FGA’s lawncare services—they can do it all, folks!
Sounds of a lawnmower running are briefly heard over visuals of someone eating a salad.
Voice-Over: Once your belly’s full, head on over to make some new amigos at our community Bingo game! Then kill those newly acquired friends over their cheating-at-Bingo ways at the gladiator pit next door! But if physical activity such as this is not your forte, then hit the road….in our “Funtier Scrappling Go-Karts!” These epic rides go from 0 to 1000 in no time at all, and legend has it some of the karts are even equipped with the power to make one GO BACK IN TIME!!! Yeaaaah! Back to the Future up in this mother—
Boy: My sister drove a Funtier Scrappling Go-Kart, and she went SOOOOOO fast, she was sent back to a time where she wasn’t ALIVE! It’s awesome! I’m gonna get, like, twice the Christmas presents!
Voice-Over: So get on it NOW before your chance to live the life you want is gone! Delikado’s Parking Lotta Fun also comes with a petting zoo, but this isn’t your sissy great-grandmother’s petting zoo! In the wresting spirit, the Delikado Lab of Science has biochemically altered all the animals to showcase the abilities of Brian Jacques’ “Redwall” characters! There’s mice with swords, wildcats that raise conquering armies, hares that kick and punch like nobody’s business, and even a giant badger that goes apeshit and strangles your sissy great-grandmother for continuing to think this is HER type of petting zoo! Do note that the Delikado Parking Lotta Fun petting zoo is only on offer while the animals have refrained from going to bloody war against one another, as is their wont in Redwall fashion, so head on over TODAY!
Cue dramatic flashes of animals with weapons amongst all the other madness of the environment. An oversized rat in battle armor leaps toward the camera with a spear, forcing a cut-off.
Voice-Over: The Delikado Parking Lotta Fun! Packaged up and following each and every Frontier Grappling Arts show as part of the expansion you never knew your wrestling universe needed…UNTIL NOW! Come see what the new year has in store for you, and improve as a human being! Thank us later! For now, just get your tickets and be part of the new industry standard! The Delikado Parking Lotta Fun!!!
~DELIKADO’S PARKING LOTTA FUN~
Warning: No parking available.
Static ends the video promotion of Delikado’s parking lot-turned-super flashy (and possibly lethal) Disneyland rip-off.
(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)
We return to the present where Ewan Jakeway is pushing Delikado in his wheelchair down a hallway, presumably a FGA one since he practically seems to live there since acquiring a contract with the company.
Ewan Jakeway: I will say, Deli, business is definitely picking up for us here. I mean, your Disneyland carnival thing is weird, but it’s already brought a lot of attention, which can only be good for the company, right? Free publicity brings curiosity and thus heightened viewership! Meanwhile you’re winning matches to undo your old man curse; Susan’s therapy seems to be going well, which can only make our alliance stronger; and Sofia and I’s relationship is getting so strong and made us so independent, I don’t even know WHAT she’s doing right now! It keeps things fresh, ha, ha! …Erhmmm…
Ewan frowns as he continues pushing his Cuban client, who even in his coma-state appears bored by this conversation.
Ewan Jakeway: Of course, I still haven’t cracked this conspiracy over the candy thief and my being set up as a fall guy. Susan said I should look around and watch how people on the FGA roster view us but…but everyone seems so caught up in their own feuds and title hunts that they wouldn’t take the time to smuggle contraband on little old me! *sigh* I’ve got to figure this out and clear my name, Deli, before that candyman—
Suddenly, Frik Snackey pops around the corner right in front of the duo and holds up his badge.
Frik Snackey: Frik Snackey, part-time detective, full-time FGA purveyor of foodstuffs and vittles--specialty snacks. I’d like to talk to you and your client, Mr. Jakeway, ask a few questions.
Ewan Jakeway: Yipes, candyman! I-I-I mean…y-y-yes, of c-course.
Frik Snackey: Careful. Say “candyman” four more times and something terrible is rumored to happen.
Snackey puts away his badge and takes a deep inhale as he looks over Ewan, and then down to Delikado in the wheelchair.
Frik Snackey: I know about you. Both of you. Quite the hungry competitors. You’ve done a lot to satisfy your cravings in this business for the last 12-plus years. Nothing eats away at you. Nobody has the stomach to go to the lengths you have for the triumph. That’s why you devour as you do, as you’ve done, both before FGA and since your arrival—Bristow and Barnes can attest to that.
Though he’s almost certainly the one being addressed, Delikado continues to hang his head down, giving no signs of life outside the ring as per usual.
Ewan Jakeway: Y-You’ll have to f-f-forgive my client, Mr. S-S-Snackey. He can’t speak f-f-f-for hims-s-s-self in his current form, even t-t-t-t-to flattery…
Frik Snackey: Well that’s okay, because right now it’s you I want to talk to, Ewan.
He speaks in a no-nonsense, borderline monotone, with a blank mask of a face that intimidates Ewan far more than any emotional outburst or snarl might.
Frik Snackey: For starters, let me understand where you were on the night of FGA’s Seven Year Anniversary show.
Ewan Jakeway: I….I was here.
Frik Snackey: And where is this… “here” place?
Ewan Jakeway: Ummm….huh?
Frik Snackey: “Huh.” A likely story. You seem to be incapable of understanding the situation. A vending machine was violated. A snack was ripped away and bitten to pieces, unpaid for through interference. Perhaps it was hacking, perhaps some brute force. Either way, the criminal did the deed and escaped, leaving only shattered remnants of its baggage behind. Now a vegan snack, Candy Kittens Gourmet Sweets, is gone from this plane, and I have to do all I can to find the beast who took them, to see they’re brought down. The industry—not just FGA, but the very business we occupy—will tear itself apart unless this crime is solved. So I will ask again, where were you in connection with the RAPE of the Candy Kittens Gourmet Sweets?
Ewan Jakeway: I….I…..
Ewan is quickly losing what little composure he might’ve wielded. Snackey inhales and exhales, his piercing blue eyes narrowing ever so slightly.
Frik Snackey: If you won’t talk, maybe your mouth will.
With no further warning, he grabs Ewan by both sides of his face and kisses him square on the mouth! And this isn’t like a quick peck on the lips, this is straight up Frenching to the point it’s like Snackey’s trying to eat poor Ewan’s mouth. Ewan fights back and pushes the titan of a man back with some effort.
Ewan Jakeway: *gasp* Oh my Lordy Lord….DUDE! Not cool, man! I mean, I’m totally for men doing stuff with other men, all the power to em, but that’s not ME! I have a girl and…oh maaaaan, you just made me a cheater!!
Ewan panics as he looks about for some kind of salvation. His only potential aid, Delikado, is just idly being his ol dead-like self.
Frik Snackey: Relax, what I did doesn’t make you a cheater. But it does confirm something for me and the case.
Ewan Jakeway: OH JEEEEZ…I mean….I see….*cough* Yes, good, good…….Quick question: What’s going to happen to any criminal you catch related to this?
Frik Snackey: I’ve been with FGA since the start, keeping to the background because everyone here knew the law of the land on food. I’d try to promote snacks for the wrestlers, but all they’d want to do is pump their veins with steroids over sweet treats. Worse, they’d “eat healthy.” Whatever, so long as proper dues were paid, I remained in the shadows. Then something like THIS happens, unlike anything the FGA’s ever seen? It’s unprecedented. Therefore, to answer your question, the punishment will be unprecedented. I’ll have to disassemble the perpetrator, see what went wrong in their blood sugar to make them go crazy, in order to see that this never happens again.
Ewan Jakeway: B-But couldn’t it just all be a misunderstanding? A vending machine off-kilter? Maybe the person started to eat the snack and was startled by something, like a….like a loud noise, or-or the sight of presents?! It WAS around Christmas time! Maybe Santa was hungry for something besides cookies! Why would you need to do all this for a simple mistake or Santa??
Frik Snackey: You don’t get it. Snacks are EVERYTHING in the sports business. I was designed to hunt down violators of that creed. Pay to chomp-ay. And now…I do believe I’ve done my duty.
Snackey opens his mouth wide, like a snake about to devour a hippo, and pulls out a snack wrapper from one corner. Quick reveal shows it to be the old wrapper for the Candy Kittens Gourmet Sweets that the detective/snack purveyor ate a while back at the 7YA.
Frik Snackey: You taste just like this wrapper. The essence is faded, perhaps scrubbed away with mouthwash and other foodstuffs to cover up any trace, but I’ve been trained well and done this for years upon years. I’m not fooled. Everything was candied peaches until you all showed up. Suddenly there’s power outages and snacks disappear. The timing is too close to be coincidental. Nobody else in FGA would DARE to tamper with the law I made like some “out of towners” with notorious histories of rule-breaking and self-indulging hunger like Delikado, Sofia Monzón, and Ewan Jakeway.
Ewan looks at the wrapper and then to Snackey in disbelief.
Ewan Jakeway: But I…I…I’m a good boy—err, man!
Frik Snackey: Then tell me the nutritional facts. That’s the thing about me, Ewan: I’m the biggest stickler for facts. I follow the law, and I do it to the letter. Fairness is a cornerstone of snacking. If YOU’RE the good one and the other two are the bad ones, fairness will see them get their just…………snacks.
Waaaaaay smooth on the “pun”, detective. All the same, Ewan is in a cold sweat, looking ready to break.
Ewan Jakeway: I…I….Oh fu--
(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)
Meanwhile, somewhere else in the same building, Sofia Monzón is busy spying on a group of women several yards away. She’s dressed up as a member of FGA staff to appear more convincing (though to be fair, she’s probably way hotter than usual FGA stagehands). Under a FGA hat her dark eyes glance up from her pretend work to her actual work as she briefly watches the women down the way. It’s too hard to visually tell who they are, so we’re forced to rely on Sofia’s verbal clue to give us a hint on who she’s spying on.
Sofia Monzón: Might fool those idiots, but you can’t fool me, you fake bitch Kent…<BEEP that’s too close to “Kent” for censors> is more like it…Show me your weakness that’s not actually weak. …Why am I talking to myself like this? Damn it, girl, you’re spending way too much time with Delikado, and Ewan for that matter…*sigh*
Clearly Sofia is working to spy on her client’s newly acquired ally, Susan Kent, trying to find out if her shoulder injury is real or not.
Sofia Monzón: C’mon! All I need is for you to go and lift your 500-pound bag of makeup and use it on your balloon head! Something!
The women, apparently Susan and her friends, are unaware of Sofia’s presence. Delikado’s manager subtly holds up a mini camera and stays focused, ready to take a picture the instant Susan gives any impression her shoulder injury is fake. Again, if it IS Susan, which is more or less impossible to tell from our viewpoint. Still, Sofia seems certain, and she's the serious one.
Sofia Monzón: She’s not even that hot! Writing all those <BEEP>ing love poems for THAT?! That rat bastard Cuban never wrote ME love poems when we were together all those years….*inhale* focus, focus….Hold up, what’s she….?
The one girl that *might* be Susan does something with her arms, no doubt something nobody could do with a shoulder injury like hers, but before Sofia can get more intel, an exceptionally loud screech of a sound echoes throughout the entire facility, like a turkey fused with a cat being stepped on by an airhorn that’s also personifying the sound level that can shatter glass. A few other FGA staffers walk by looking curiously around.
FGA Staffer #1: What’s that awful noise? It sounds like a woman in trouble!
FGA Staffer #2: And yet it also sounds like a man at the same time?
Sofia Monzón: Ewan!
She looks back toward her spying target who is leaving, weighing her options with a scowl.
Sofia Monzón: Grrrrr, damn it!
Angry but resigned, Sofia pockets her camera and runs off toward the sound. We return to Jakeway who is running for his life while also pushing Delikado in his wheelchair (loyal almost to a fault it seems) as a bulldog-looking Frik Snackey chases the pair.
Frik Snackey: YOU CAN’T ESCAPE ME!!!
Ewan Jakeway: I’M A GOOD BOY, I’M A GOOD BOY, I’M A GOOD BOY *looks over his shoulder*…OH GOOD GRIEF BUT I’M ABOUT TO BE A DEAD GOOD BOY!!!
Snackey is literally drooling with anticipation as he closes the gap between him and his “perp” to inches. Just when it looks like the end is near, however, Sofia spears Snackey from the side and they both crash into a wall! Snackey pounces back against Sofia and the two begin to fight like they’re in The Matrix (minus flying and whatnot), the former sparing no effort as he punches the latter with closed fists. A natural-born fighter herself, Sofia takes the shots and knees Snackey in the gut before she flips up and clocks him in the jaw with her heel. They both back up and stare each other down.
Frik Snackey: So, the gang’s all here…Fine with me! Even the worst snacks never come alone!
When it becomes clear neither will back down, Snackey roars and charges Sofia, who leaps away. She looks for some kind of assist, then spots her client chilling in his wheelchair (Ewan is cowering under a table). With quick reflexes and all her might she grabs the comatose Delikado, and THROWS HIM AT SNACKEY LIKE AN INANIMATE OBJECT! Clearly the Cuban is heavier than he looks, as his deadweight causes Snackey to nearly fall over, but he catches himself and now starts to use the limp Deli like a club, swinging here and there trying to drop the more agile Spaniard. Seeing danger coming Sofia run forward, but then dives between Snackey’s legs and kips up behind him. She grabs hold of a nearby cord and proceeds to try and use it to strangle the titan! This initially works, until Snackey roars again and snaps Delikado backwards, hitting Sofia roughly over the head with her own client over and over until she releases the cord. Snackey tosses Delikado away and then scoops up the dazed Sofia, mercilessly throwing her directly through some drywall into the next room over! The bear-like Snackey begins to hobble toward Sofia, who weakly tries to lift herself up in the debris, but crumbles flat to the ground. The brute of a man proceeds to drag her up by the hair and fling her like a ragdoll closer to her two comrades, making it clear the fight is over, and not in their favor.
Ewan Jakeway: My love, noooooooooooooo!
Snackey just snickers.
Frik Snackey: It’s over! You three criminals are--
HAPPY NEW YEAR FLASH MOB!!!
Suddenly, a flash mob breaks out of dozens and dozens of people running out and dancing to bring in the new year. They crowd around the scene, getting between the victor and the defeated.
Flash Mobber: Wooooooo! Happy 2019, friend!
Snackey snarls in confused rage.
Frik Snackey: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! NEW YEARS WAS DAYS AGO!!!
Flash Mobber: Yeah, but flash mobs were also a thing YEARS ago and we’re doing THAT now too! It’s hip! C’mon big man, party with us! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The flash mobbers work to coax Snackey to dance and party with them despite his vehement protests. Meanwhile, Jakeway has put Delikado back in his wheelchair and pulled Sofia up as well from the wreckage. Sofia looks through her bruised and bleeding eyes to this lastminute rescue and groans through her pain.
Sofia Monzón: Let’s get the hell out of here, Ewan….
The timid Ewan shows enough bravery to guide his limping partner and their client away from the scene. By now the flash mob has gotten Frik Snackey off to the side, though he’s able to break away long enough to get back to the battlefield and gaze about for his suspects. When he sees they’ve escaped, he lets out a mighty roar of rage and screams to the heavens themselves.
Frik Snackey: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!!!!!!
The 2019 flash mob party goes on around Snackey as he stews in his boiling wrath. The scene cuts to black.