Lost and Found

[Cordy]

There’s a reason why I steered clear of the FGA World Championship.

Time had slowly begun to reveal it to me subtly, and I was finally beginning to see it. Maybe I’d just never really wanted to admit it to myself. Maybe I had just deluded myself into believing something otherwise for the sake of — I honestly couldn’t tell you. Maybe it was the shame of following what many would consider the safer path; the shame of shying away from what I truly wanted the most simply because I was afraid. Or maybe it was shame for subconsciously having the need to shield myself from ever feeling that disappointment again, and shame for feeling the way that I did although in both, my mind and my heart, it was far more than warranted. Maybe I just didn’t want to come to terms with it. But as the show in Atlantic City drew closer, that underlying fear began to surface and resonate more and more. And as I became more conscious of it, that question that Samuel L. Jackson would always ask in the movie Coach Carter would spring into mind…

What is your deepest fear?

And I’d watched the movie enough to know what the appropriate response ended up being. But it wasn’t entirely true. Because my deepest fear was that I was inadequate, and my past pursuits of the FGA World Championship had left me feeling as much. Not necessarily the match with Jimmy… my head was completely out of it. Emotionally, I was in a bad place. I wanted nothing more than Jimmy Page’s head on a platter. But the match with Chandler Scott?

That had done something to me.

That night was supposed to have been my night. I had felt it. I think almost everyone had. That was supposed to have been the culmination of my story. But I fell flat. So fucking flat… and as much as I tried to deny it, that was when the little seeds of doubt began to seep in and embed themselves into my psyche. I had never been as prepared for a match as I had been on that night, and my best simply hadn’t been good enough.

That is a humbling fucking experience. Knowing that you wholeheartedly gave something your absolute all and in the end it didn’t matter… talk about something that could shatter spirits and break wills. My resiliency is something that people have often told me they’ve admired about me. I seemingly have this uncanny will to bounce back… to overcome adversity and to surpass the obstacles that find themselves in my way. And I think most people expected that from me upon my return. They expected to see Cordelia Stevenson steadfast and unwavering, marching towards her goals and finishing the quest that she’d started by finally laying claim to the FGA World Championship.

I could sense their disappointment when I’d opted to return for Dynamic Duos and not shoot my shot in the Gold Rush Rumble, even though I could have. Truthfully, I realize now that I was afraid of that burden and all that came along with it. Not with the Gold Rush Rumble itself… but the idea of winning it. Of being thrust into that vulnerable position once again, of possibly being exposed to that numbing truth that my best just truly might not be enough.

But I realize that some things can only be avoided for so long, and the Wild Card Lottery had definitely been proof of that. An opportunity that I’d conveniently tried my best to avoid since making my return to the ring had happened to fall right into my lap, all because Zero had decided to do the most unlikely thing as champion ever and walk out of the company.

There comes a point where you have to come to terms with the fear that’s plaguing you and stare it down. After advancing past Noelle and Karma… after making good on my words, and getting past my own tag team partner in the process… I was finally staring destiny straight in the face after having avoided it like Medusa’s gaze for quite some time.

I just needed a way to not be paralyzed by the fear.


*****

Ask and ye shall receive...

I’ve always been something of a spiritual person. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself religious, although I do hit up church as often as I can with my schedule being as busy as it is, but God has always been a permanent and guiding fixture in my life. For most things beyond my control, I simply pray on it or ask for the strength to handle whatever may come from the situation. Things such as this recent election. But that’s a whole nother story within itself.

But my mother always used to say that God works in mysterious ways. And there have just been so many occurrences in my life where I knew that it was more than just a mere coincidence at hand. I’ve come across and met the most random of people that have somehow inadvertently said something or given insight that really helped me through a particular situation that I may have been going through at the time, and I knew deep down in my heart that it was God at work. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in ourselves and in our own problems that we forget that while they may be major to us, they are miniscule in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes you need a reminder of that. And I was afforded one recently.

“Gabriela, somebody wanted to stop by and say hello to you.” I heard Constance Gardner say as she entered the hospital room before me. Constance was a representative for the Clayton Dabney Foundation for kids with Cancer, and she’d been the one that reached out to me for this particular case. I’d done work with the foundation on several occasions prior, so I’d jumped at the opportunity when they’d gotten into contact with me in reference to a 6 year old girl by the name of Gabriela who had been diagnosed with a terminal case of Rhabdomyosarcoma. On the days leading up to the visit, Constance had been in constant contact, filling me in on all the information regarding Gabriela; how long she’d been battling the disease and how it had once gone into remission, only to come back even stronger. The belief was that the little girl genuinely didn’t have much longer to live. She was a huge wrestling fan, and apparently I’d been one of her favorites.

I smiled as I stood in the hallway, imagining the look of surprise that was probably on the little girl’s face and the wonder that had probably overtaken her as she tried to figure out just who the mystery person could be. I always wondered whether or not I happened to cross their minds in those brief seconds before I rounded the corner and made my introduction. I doubted it. The looks of sheer shock and unadulterated joy that I was often met with seemed to tell an entirely different story. There was just always something so fulfilling about it. Seeing the way their eyes lit up when I walked into the door; knowing that I could make someone’s day in that capacity… it always made me appreciative of my position in life. Being able to do that for someone was truly a blessing.

I could hear Gabriela’s mousy reply, asking who it was and I knew that was my cue to walk in. I adjusted the FGA Tag title on my shoulder and gripped the replica that I’d brought for her under my right arm as I casually strolled into the room with a warm smile. “Hey, I heard someone was a huge fan of mine.” I said as I casually strolled into the room and felt all eyes shift onto me.

And there it was. The radiance of a perfect smile. The brightness of awe inspired eyes as she looked around the room, from Constance to her parents and then finally back at me.

“Cordy!” she yelled my name with an excitement and a familiarity as it finally set in that I was actually there. I could tell by the look on her face that the moment just seemed so surreal. There I was, a face that she’d only been able to see on her television screen, live and in person. To a child, that was like a superhero coming to life. I returned her smile, mine being just as bright and wide as hers as I leaned down to give her a hug and then exchanged pleasantries with her parents, who would later go on to tell me that the joy I brought to their daughter that day would be something they’d never forget.

I presented Gabriela with her title. Joked with her that I was thinking of replacing Dan as my tag team partner and told her that she could hold onto that belt until I made my decision. She seemed to get a kick out of that. Her spirits were high all throughout the afternoon, which from what I’d been told by Constance wasn’t an uncommon thing either. Gabriela always kept a positive attitude despite the obvious pain she seemed to be in at times. That was just incredible to me. There I was, staring at a young girl that odds were wouldn’t even get to live to see her next birthday, yet I saw no fear when I looked in her eyes. I saw not a single care in the world. I only saw a girl that was appreciating the life she had.

And then she leaned over to me and whispered as her mother exited the room. “I think my mommy is going to cry again.” she said.

I tilted my head a bit as I looked at her. “What makes you say that?” I asked.

“She always cries when she comes to see me. She knows that I’m not going to be here much longer, and I think she’s scared of not seeing me any more. I told her she has to be brave like you, just like I am. That’s why I don’t cry anymore.”

I was rendered absolutely speechless. Brave had been the furthest from what I’d been feeling as of late, but I’d never break that illusion, especially not to Gabriela.

“Your mom is a lot braver than you could eeeeevvveerrrr imagine.” I said with a smile.

“Really?” Gabriela asked, sounding somewhat surprised.

I nodded. “Really.” I said. “As a matter of fact, I wish I could be as brave as her.”

Gabriela’s eyes widened at my revelation. In my eyes, her mother was the epitome of brave. To hold up like she was given the circumstances… to have an angel such an Gabriela and knowing that in due time she’d be taken away, maannn that was something I Just couldn’t fathom. Just the mere thought was breaking my heart, and that fear of losing her daughter was something that Gabriela’s mom had to live with on a daily.

The things that make you realize just how trivial your own fears are.

“Do you want me to check on your mommy?” I asked Gabriela. She nodded.

Sure enough, Mrs. Patterson was at the end of the hallway bawling her eyes out.

Moments later, she wasn’t the only one.

-----

On a large television screen, the iconic movie The Dark Knight is shown playing. And we begin right when Michael Caine, in his role as Alfred, begins telling Bruce Wayne the story of his days working for the local government in Burma. He tells the tale of a man who’d been stealing caravans of precious stones the government had planned on using to buy the loyalty of local tribal leaders. He says that he and his friends set out to find the stones, but in six months time had never come across anyone that had traded with the man. Of course, not understanding the logic, Bruce asks… “so why steal them” in which Alfred gives what has now become an iconic response…

“...some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

Pause. The screen freezes, and a familiar voice is heard in the background.

“Is that you, Isabella Anders?”

Slowly the camera pans around and Cordelia Stevenson sits on her sofa with a remote control in hand, aimed at the television. Looking cozy, as one would expect her to in the comforts of her home, she is dressed in a pair of grey Nike sweats and a grey sports bra. She sets the remote down onto the table -- next to her FGA World Tag Team Championship which just so happens to be on display -- and raises her gaze back up towards the camera.

“I was spending some time with my nephew the other day, and this movie just so happened to be on. It’s one of my favorites by the way…” Although she’s pretty sure it’s damn near everyone’s favorite. “And as I listened to Alfred tell his story, I couldn’t help but to think about you Izzy.” She admits with a shake of her head and a sigh. “I couldn’t help but to think of this…” she struggles to find a word for it. “...vendetta, that you seemingly have against the FGA, and how you seemingly want nothing more than to see this company crumble into a pile of rubble while you set it ablaze.”

Cordy can see the image in her head clearly. The flicker of flames dancing brightly in the irises of Izzy’s onlooking eyes and the shimmer of glee and excitement in them.

“You just want to watch the company burn, and I can’t help but to wonder why.” Her eyes soften a bit as she thinks of her friend. That is what they are, aren’t they? There had always been a soft spot in her heart for the young woman that she’d soon find herself standing across the ring from in Atlantic City. “Why all this hatred for the company that gave you your big break; that provided the platform for you to grow and evolve…” Cordy can’t help but to smirk. “You’re pretty big on that these days, aren’t you Izzy? The whole concept of evolution. You wholeheartedly jumped onto that bandwagon that Sophie Kaiser perpetuated; eagerly grabbed on to the very ideology that she lobbied against me… there was something in her words that touched a nerve, something that resonated with you… not even realizing that you had been evolving all along, Izzy.”

“We’ve all watched you grow from that wide eyed just happy to be here girl to one of the fiercest competitors that this company has ever seen. We’ve watched you grow from simply being happy to sharing a ring with Fujiko Mine to being the greatest Mid-Atlantic Champion ever. I always took pride in seeing that, y’know? In watching you emerge from the growing pains and fulfilling the potential that I always knew was there. I always believed you were destined for greatness Izzy, and it was this company that nurtured that, that developed that… that helped make you the person that you are. That gave you the challenges necessary to push beyond your limits and hit highs that you used to not think were even possible for yourself.”

“And now you want to lay waste to it all; lay waste to the very company that made you who you are, and for what?” Cordelia asks again with more force in her tone and a greater need for understanding. “Because you feel slighted? Because you disappeared off the face of the Earth and not a soul had the first inkling of an idea where to look for you?” Cordelia shakes her head, knowing just how futile the attempts to locate Izzy had proven to be. She’d set out on a search on her own that bore no fruits until she happened to get into contact with the girl herself. “Because for whatever reason, you feel hurt… betrayed… and as if no one cared…” her voice trails off for a second as she thinks of how hard she took the news of Izzy’s disappearance.

“And you know damn well that isn’t true.” She hisses. “Some of us mourned your absence you know? Some of us were going out of our freakin; minds wondering where you were and if you were ok… I won’t say that everyone did, because they didn’t. There were some that honestly wished you gone for good, but I was never one of those people, Izzy. But of course you know that. Yet none of that seems to matter to you, does it? Because in your mind, the FGA as a whole is responsible for you being away so long. You’ve programmed it into your slowly deteriorating mind that this place is nothing but a poison.”

“Is it really?”

“When it gave birth to and introduced the wrestling world to such wonders as yourself? Are you the fruit of a poisonous tree? I don’t believe you are, but this disillusioned and jaded person that I’m starting to see weekly could be enough to convince me otherwise. You follow that mantra evolve or die, but what happens when you devolve, Isabella? Because that’s exactly what you’ve done as of late, getting wrapped up into that same sense of entitlement that’s got Ruby Tyler thinking she’s bigger than what she really is.”

“Of course, you’re no Ruby Tyler though. I would never disrespect you in such a manner. I like you Izzy, which is far more than I can say for that rat faced bitch. But all the same, this company owes you absolutely nothing. It’s given you plenty, has it not? And I take offense when people say they want to destroy it, to reduce it to a pile of rubble or even worse, mere ashes in the wake of a fire.”

“Cause how could I not take it personal when people threaten my home?”

“And that’s exactly what you’ve been doing.” She says, her eyes narrowing a bit. “But I haven’t really held it against you, because I know you’re coming from a place of hurt. I know that you’re coming from a place of abandonment and as any good friend would do, I’ve let you vent.”

“But now your agenda… your vendetta has you eyeing the thing that I want the most. Now you see the vacant FGA World Championship as the perfect catalyst to light your fire, as the perfect way to bring this establishment down to its fucking knees, and I just can’t let you have that, love.”

“Truth be told, I’da damn near done anything for ya, Izzy. I was ready to search under every rock on all seven continents for you baby girl… but what I won’t do… is compromise my dreams for you or anyone else, especially for the sake of your fuck ass agenda. I’m not for it, sweetie. This means far too much to me to idly sit back and allow you to move one step closer to using that title as nothing more than a pawn in your sick and demented game.”

“One step at a time… that’s always how I’ve always approached situations like this, Izzy. It’s how I approached the Lion’s Cup… it’s how Dan and I approached Dynamic Duos. It’s how I will be approaching the Fifth Anniversary show. I can’t worry about Annie. I can’t worry about Tony. I’ve got plenty to say to the both of them, but now isn’t really the time. Not to say that they aren’t dangerous, or that they shouldn’t be addressed, hell, all of us are here for a reason. We've proven that much. Believe me, I’d love nothing more than to clue Tony in on how he became the new me in my absence, following my footsteps in ways both good and bad. I’d love nothing more than to entertain a rematch with Annie. I still have nightmares from our encounter in Queen of the Deathmatch. But I can’t bring myself to obsess over the potential of any next round matchup, Izzy; because I know that absolutely none of it matters if I can’t make it past you.”

“You’re my focus, Izzy.”

“You’re the most immediate threat to my dream, and I know you fashion yourself the dream killer.”

She shakes her head.

“But bitch, you ain’t got the juice like that.”

“And at the Fifth Anniversary show, I’m going to make you wish you'd just stayed lost and were never found." 

“Get Familiar.”