Mama Said Knock You Out

[pimp]

Dooder3G was in his Mystery Machine, though he’s barely visible in the thick fog. Suddenly he gets a knock on the door. “WHO GOES THERE!” Dooder, trying to disguise his voice.

“Danka mon.”

Dooder gets up and opens the back doors. The rare Rich Homie Rasta, Danka Red walks in with a bag of food. “We ain’t got nuh’ more a dat oyster sauce today. Ran out, but here.” Danka hands Dooder a bag of food. “And get rid a dat stupid accent alborosie.”

“I need you to teach me patois to communicate with extraterrestrials of the Caribbean one day.”

“Yah need yah a gal. Fine little ting ‘round here to fuck yah back to Earth mon.”

Dooder shakes his dreads. “Gotta stay focused on these aliens. Besides Tony a pimp but he ain’t throwin’ skins my way. Just been kickin’ my ass. He ain’t the best flirt coach either.” Dooder looks up as a memory cloud pops up above him.

Dooder3G is in Amber Monroe’s living room. He’s rolling up a joint on the floor watching Tony lie in Amber’s lap. Tony looks up at her, licking his chops.

“Baby, I want you to eat tacos naked with me on your lap so I can lick everything that falls out.” Amber starts giggling.

“Ooh tacos!”

They both start laughing. “Yah mon, ha Tonio one batty boy.”

“He kinda is weird right?” Danka’s eyes widen sarcastically, thinking this guy is one to talk about ‘weird’. “Anyways…I gotta send a message to this alien you tryna kick it?”

Danka takes another hit of the joint before passing. “Wish I could mon, but I haffi get back to the store. I come by later ‘cos I need grass. Enjoy di ox tail.” They dap each other up and Danka hops out the Mystery Machine.

Dooder3G morphs.

“My masters watched me lay another alien down, and it was so impressive that I caught the eye of a few alien slayin’ friends around this bitch. Well..they ain’t really here here but it don’t matter. This shit go deeper than one place. This a war…and a busta like Lyndon ain’t gonna walk around like a dark cloud of depression if I got somethin’ to do wit it.”

Dooder hits the joint.

“Typical alien tactic. Exaggerating their abilities. I heard you tell Susan Kent that her mom gonna be sorry for what you gonna do to her, but I seen a picture of the bitch the other day and not a hair on her head was outta place. You act like you the only one here that done seen some shit. You damn sure ain’t the only one around here wit daddy issues. Take a good look at Twitter one time, you gon’ see aliens just like you, mostly bitches, leaving next to nothing for the imagination.”

The joint starts to burn Dooder’s hand so he puts it out. He goes to the console of the van and pulls out a bag of mushrooms. He starts eating them like chips.

“Imagination. It’s fun Alex. Try having fun sometime. You think people give a shit about you coming from a broken home having to struggle to survive? Shouldn't you be fuckin' happy you still here wit all you done been through? Nah? The shit after I get done wit yo skunk lookin ass you gon’ be thankful for three things. One. You gon’ be thankful for bein’ alive cuz I ain’t no killer. Two. You gon’ be thankful to the referees and anyone in the back who decide to come out and help you up. Three. You gon’ be thankful to the Dood for being one of the first shithead martians I leave broke on my path to total extraterrestrial extinction. The biggest mistake you can make is to question the powers of the Gang Green General, and how deep his army is.”

After popping a few more mushroom caps, Dooder puts the bag aside.

“People think my head in the clouds, but what if that’s what I want ya’ll to think? Maybe there’s only a few of us who truly down to Earth and the rest of ya’ll done already took over. Only time gon’ tell, but one thing is for certain. I’m gon’ keep slayin' every goddamn one of you in my way. Jenny was numero uno. Alex Lyndon up next and I promise everyone out there that Mr. 3GW will knock that frown upside down. For the the greater greener good. Then once I humble that fool, ya’ll ain’t gon’ have no choice but to put in me in the running for that Paramount prize. The symbol for dominance over the 3GW domain.”

Dooder3G leans back in his loveseat, kicking his feet up. “Shits basically got my name on it already.”