Ghosts

[Christum Furor]

Gently my mind escapes into the relaxing mode of pleasure
A pleasure that will take my mind off the reality of life
My past life
Life as I know it know
And whatever may come it slowly disappears
to somewhere in the back of my mind
It will remain there until I wish to retrieve it.

Flashback: January, 2015
Grand Haven, Michigan :

“Good morning baby…”

It was still a dream to me. Hearing her voice, that exquisite sound, a sound as beautiful as birds singing at dawn on a perfect day in the fall, where the clouds were not yet gray, and there was a sun ray of hope on the horizon. It was still a dream to me, to have her at my side, after casting her away due to my vices, due to my inability to cope with my weakness, my inability to conquer my demons. I’d succumb to the nightmare of the human condition, to pain and the path of darkness one walks in an effort to alleviate the agony. It was still a dream to me, because she had been so far away for so long, so long that I never thought I’d have her again. I’d gone so far astray, so far from the man she fell in love with that I never thought I’d be able to come back home.

“My love…”

Yet as I opened my eyes there she was. There Haven was staring at me, her eyes just as bright as they ever were, a sea of blue that saw deep into my soul to find the parts of me I thought no longer existed, the parts of me I’d forsaken in order to become what I convinced myself that I needed to be. As I pushed her blond hair back behind her ear and held her gently, I couldn't help but feel I was in a reverie. What do you call it when your fantasy comes to life?

Is it true happiness?

That moment when the world stops and everything you ever wanted, and the things that you've wished for most are finally yours.

“I can get use to this…”

She smiles, as her lips greeted mine in a warm kiss that validated everything. It was the sweetest taste, one I had missed for so long. To have had such a delicatessen, and then lost it was traumatic. Without her I felt an emptiness, and a pain in my chest as if I had been stabbed repeatedly. But that knife left no scar. On the outside I looked fine, I looked well within my faculties, but beneath that facade lied a broken man, waiting and bleeding out inside of a shell.

“After all this time, you still love me just the same…”

I couldn't believe it. I wanted to, but I couldn't. There has been so much damage done. I had too much blood on my hands. I’d been on a pursuit of happiness, a pursuit of peace all my life, getting closer and closer to it countless times only to have it elude me, growing farther and farther away until the distance between us was that of the sky and the heavens. It was as if God held it on a string, pulling it back whenever I’d gotten within fingertips of it, simply to taunt me. It was a punishment for me choosing to take after Lucifer. I was condemned for allowing hatred to eat away at my purity, allowing that cancer to eat away at my soul like a potent acid. So why I wondered, why now after all this time am I allowed to have such an unattainable luxury.

“And I always will…”

She was steadfast in her response. She meant every word, because I completed her just as she did me. I was the thing she held onto most, and she never let go. Even though I’d lost myself she never forgot who I really was, and she held onto the hope that one day I’d remember too.

That’d I’d remember who Magnus Gunner was.

**********

Yes I’ll stay here for a while for I need the break
A break from the pressures of life
and everything that lay in the palm of life's hands

“What’re you in a rush for, you should stay here in bed with me all day…”

I pleaded with her as she threw on some clothes, having left me alone in our mattress to venture out into the world. She had responsibilities to uphold, but selfishly I wanted her to bypass all of those things to remain in my arms because they had gone so long without her in them that I’d become obsessed with the feeling like an infant who'd grown accustomed to being held and coddled by its mother.

“You know have to drive into the city and pick up a few things for the house, you know the one promised to fix up…”

I never imagined I'd ever be this sort of guy. Not in a million years did I ever foresee myself living out the ‘American Dream’, waking up to the most beautiful woman in the world in a humble abode by the river with nothing but trees and nature surrounding us. The weather painted our universe in a white shade, as winter found its way onto our doorstep, bringing with it the cheerfulness of the holidays that had long passed yet its presence still lingered.

“I've been busy…”

Part of the holiday cheer was due to our union. Married on Christmas Eve with no audience, just us. The two of us together alone, encompassed by our reverence and love for one another with God and a pastor serving as our lone witnesses in an empty church. I’d never been a holy man, a Christian, or ever considered myself to be one. But she was, and a devout one at that, raised on hymns and long Sunday services since she was an adolescent. For her I wanted to be one. I was willing to do that, to make that effort and make that sacrifice. I was willing to be whatever she needed me to be.

“Just get it done before I get back…”

With a blown kiss she faded away, leaving me with nothing but a smile on my face in anticipation for her return. She hadn't even been gone a minute and I was already lost without her, unsure of what do with myself. Climbing out of bed I dusted myself off, before trotting Into the bathroom. There I stood before the bathroom sink, staring into the mirror at a face I didn't even recognize myself. A goatee had formed on my visage, yet aside from that superficial feature was something much more shocking. There was glee in my eyes, the dark bags that once lie underneath them due to my insomnia and the sleepless nights spent plotting nefarious things had vanished. My face itself was brighter. It was a pleasant surprise.

As I ran the faucet, I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't believe it happened, but I was finally content with life. After trying so hard to build a perfect world for myself, going as far as to destroy the lives of those around me to get it, somehow I emerged from those fires I set unburnt. As the warm water ran into my hands I leaned down to splash my face, going through the usual morning rituals that a normal man would. These action were of course to unfamiliar to someone like me. But I enjoyed them all the same.

I splashed my face several times to wake myself up and prepare for the day ahead. I felt prepared, prepared for whatever lied in front of me. It was an invigorating feeling, as I felt like I could tackle anything and everything, and that no matter the calamity, no matter the trial or tribulation I could overcome it because I’d been hardened by all of my ordeals.

But this life, it was only dream, and I’d have to wake up from it eventually because my demons wouldn't allow me to sleep anymore.

As I looked into the mirror again -

Present Day:
St. Paul, Minnesota :

I saw a ghost.

A man without fear had suddenly become apprehensive and scared out of his mind by the sight of something that I knew for sure wasn't real. But I wasn't so convinced. I wasn't so sure, because he looked so real.

I stared into the mirror, and into the looking glass, and looking back at me was none other than Nick Kramer. The man better known as Zack Lifer. The man I had befriended and taken under as a disciple, the same man I left for dead. The same man who took his own life because he couldn't endure his pain, because the world had chewed him up and made him believe he had no place and no worth in it. The same world I promised I would burn down for his sake in order to create a brighter one.

There he was, haunting me like a stalking butler, standing over me like an ominous black cloud.

“I know you're not real… I know you're merely a figment of my imagination…”

I said, as I turned around from the mirror to confront him. He was almost there in the flesh, as identical as the man I used to know - with that near teenage level temperament, down to his carefree demeanor, and the way his dimple glared when he smiled. And he was smiling. He was enjoying every moment of it, every moment of watching me, a man who claimed to have absolute intellect struggle to decipher between reality and fiction.

“If I'm not real, then what am I doing here, Magnus? Or do you still call yourself Christum…”

He said sarcastically. It was like he never left. These were the sort of exchanges we had back then. He’d bait me into a rant and a tirade, and then he’d laugh it all off like it was all some sort of game, like he found amusement in provoking a man who should never be provoked.

“Why are you here, Nick?”

I asked him, my eyes squinting in anger.

“I’m not here by choice, buddy. You brought me here. This is all you, man. I was happy where I was. They’ve got an endless supply of root beers and old action flicks on the other side, it's beautiful I swear. If I gotta put my finger on it, I think it's because of this…”

He said, poking me in the chest. I recoiled, placing a hand over my heart.

“The mind is a powerful thing, but the heart is even more powerful. However, together, when they work in synch they can do unbelievable things. That's what you told me once. I guess you must miss me or something. Haha. Let me ask you one thing though, how is she?”

I almost crumbled at the question as I thought about what he’s left behind. As I had Haven Silver the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, there was a woman out there who was all alone, because the man who vowed to always be at her side had taken his life because he was too troubled and too broken, and felt he was doing more harm than good by continuing to live in such a manner - in a fashion where he constantly doubted himself, and crossed the moral line.

It was an act of love.

“Ah she’s fine. I know she is…”

My eyes closed as a tear ran down them. That pain in my heart had returned. My body trembled as I stood before one of the few friends I had ever made in life, in front of a man who believed in me, and understood me even when we became enemies, even when we were at odds.

“I wish I could've saved you, Nick…”

I told him.

He simply smiled.

**********

This mode is incredible
It's out of this world
Too bad I must always leave it
But that's life

That's life, that's life, that's life

**********

The feed opens static, before the picture changes to absolute darkness. After a few moments of anticipation, a voice calls out from the shadows.

I had a dream… I had a dream of a world where human beings could live in harmony, where our differences were accepted, where we were no longer slaves to antiquated philosophies and ideals that pitted us against one another. I had a dream of destroying this broken system that forces us to chase after superficial values in order to vindicate our lives as we forsake those we love, and destroy those around us in order to obtain the power and fortitude to do so. I had a dream that professional wrestling as we knew it was no more, and that those who profited from the blood and sacrifice of men like me would know what it was like to lose everything they held dead…”

I had a dream of a NEW AGE. It was my vision, and my brainchild. In order to achieve it I had to become something more than myself. Something more than a man. I had to kill Magnus Gunner. I had to remove my ties to the pass, had to remove love and those other weaknesses from my mind and heart in order to unlock the potential of my subconscious mind. I had to come to grips with my pain, and accept my vices. I had to remove the shackles of inherency from my feet, I had to remove the chains of morality from my ankles in order to walk a path that transcended life itself…”

In order to achieve my dream, I had to be willing to accept their hatred. I had to be a beacon of it. A target. I had to accept that burden on my shoulders, and live with the fact that I would go without that I once held dear. I sacrifices myself for the greater good, in order to bring an idea to fruition. I plunged myself into darkness, and submerged myself into the shadows, and sunk to the darkest depths of the abyss because it was necessary. And I did that all for you, Savannah.” It's no secret that ominous, foreboding voice belongs to Magnus Gunner as his burlap sack suddenly emerges from the shadows to stare into the camera.

”I rescued you from yourself, Savannah. You were lost. Like all my children you were unsure of yourself, and alone, longing for acceptance in a society that cast you out like a leper, and judged you for your idiosyncrasies and the measures by were willing to take in order to reach your goals. But I accepted. I welcomed you with open arms, never persecuting you for who you were, nor did I ever hold what they deemed to be your imperfections against you. Instead, I made you understand that you differences and shortcomings are what made you PERFECT. Your whole life you searched for that feeling, for someone to see the forest behind the trees, and acknowledge you. And I gave you that, Savannah. I gave you everything you ever wished for…”

“I didn't have to, Savannah. I did that because I wanted to. I wanted to give you the world because I thought you were like me. I thought you broken, and in pain, and I wanted you to know that you were not alone, and that you didn't had to live in constant agony and fear that no one would ever see you because I SAW you! I saw you for what you had the capacity to become. And I have you the tools to do it, Savannah. I gave you the tools to carve out your destiny. But you used those tools against me. You turned those weapons which I helped you cultivate toward me, and you drove that knife into my back.”

“You left me to die, as you chased after the favor of the very people who left you alone to begin with. You turned your back on me and everything we built, to pursue things that were intangible. And to do obtain it, like me you had to become something more, you had to become MORE than Savannah Taylor. So you became like THEM, like the very people we HATED, the same people who VILIFIED and OSTRACIZED YOU! And you targeting your rancor at those who were troubled just like YOU once were before I showed you the path to enlightenment…”

“Your mistakes have been costly, Savannah.”

“You killed my dream. And your hatred, your hypocrisy, it killed a good friend of mine. It nearly killed me. But there's no grave than can hold my body down, Savannah. However, I realize my survival comes at a price. I realize the dreams I once had can no longer be attained. That quiet life I thought I could escape to, it’ll never be….”

“THIS world is all I know. Pain… Blood… Death… That's all I know, because it's all I'm good at it. That's why I've been given this fate. This destiny to balance the system. It's become clear to me, and I realize now, I realize now why I didn't fade to oblivion after that night, the night you and Sally, my greatest disciples, the night my CHILDREN BURIED ME ALIVE… I understand now why I’ve returned from the ashes, RESURRECTED and RECHRISTENED!”

The madman raises his hands up now, his miracle workers.

”It's to RECTIFY my mistakes.

It's to exact a measure of RETRIBUTION.

It's to take you UNDER.

Gunner cackles manically as he washes his hands over the burlap sack.

”It's to take your hopes and your aspirations and crush them in my hands as you once did mine. You who's thrown stones from a glass house will be buried in that very real estate. And as you are interred by the shards, as your blood is spilled, as I drag you into the void, you will finally, truly, understand MY pain, Savannah.

Gunner poses in his infamous crucifix as feed begins to fade.

”Only then, will I be worthy of his forgiveness.”