Conflicted

[Dreamscape]

Sitting here in my apartment by the balcony looking out blow at my bike thinking to myself. Past couple weeks I've found myself doing this a whole lot. Probably ever since I found out I was named a number one contender for a belt I probably don't even have a chance I winning. How the hell did I even manage to get considered for such a thing? There ain't no telling how. I just been here for a few weeks and only had one "big" match. I'm still getting used to all this and I somehow muster up some chance at winning gold after that one win? 

I should probably be focused on getting ready for that damn match but truth be told I haven't even been able to stop and think abotu anything LDFC lately. With so much shit going on around here, there's not much I can actually think about when it comes to my new found hobby. Shit...Was supposed to be a way for me stay outta trouble and get a little bit of separation from the club so I can find out what happened to my parents. My biological parents...

Ever since The Prez and his charter stopped by in Lexington I ain't been able to think straight about stuff. Been a lot of unfamiliar faces around the bakery..The town for that matter. A lot of suspicious shit. Got me over here beating people half way to death and dropping em off at the university hospital just so they can get patched up or die with some doc looking over em. Just to get some answers out of em to some questions I'm not all that sure about. Just..Just a lot of shady business going on right now. Nobody's really telling me anything but got me doing all the damn dirty work. 

Can't even bare to look at the training facility no damn more. Hell I ain't even been able to go out to North Carolina as much as I should either. With all this going on...I go into the show that I'm booked on. Get my ass kicked then head right back home and get my hands even dirtier. Feel like I'm in a goddamn laundry cycle. I can't focus...And they want me to challenge this Banks feller for a damn belt? I'm not even fit to be in this place no damn more let alone challenge for some gosh damn belt. 

Been thinking...Maybe I should just dip out. But then I stop to wonder if that's even the right choice for me to do. I don't know...I don't know what I should do. Just feels like I'm letting people down all around me out there in NC. My coaches. My classmates...All because I can't get ahold of my wild way of life. Just some Kentucky boy who ain't up to no good. Bet mama ain't too proud of me either. Or my sperm donor of a father. Both just looking down at me in the afterlife taking pity on me. 

Just..I'm just conflicted.