Joker's Wild/A Re-Introduction

[Jimmy Jam]

”Long Time, no see!”

The static quickly dissipates to show off the seams of a cotton candy colored eye patch covering a left eye. The camera pulls back revealing the pristine painted face of Mr. Rottentreats. You know the pattern, a brightly painted red smile, two extremely sharp black lines underneath his eyes and down his cheeks. The painted smile is accented gleefully by the teeth baring wide-eyed smile beneath the paint. Thick black horizontal lines over his eyes that drop off at his temples in sharp points. Treats uses his white gloved covered finger tips to lay the finishing touches on his newly trimmed lime green mane; obviously using the camera’s view finder to straighten the tiny spikes. The jovial clown balls his right fist up, with exception of his pinky and thumb; only to stare at his digits for a moment. His tongue rests atop his bottom lip as if he’s contemplating using his own saliva to fix his eyebrows; which he quickly decides against.

”Frontier Grappling Arts! My…

The camera continues to pull back slowly as the Whole F’N Sideshow hops into a comedic stance of reflection. His right gloved fist balled up under his chin, his left hand upon his cotton candy plaid covered hip; the oversized toe of his pink, right clown shoe pointed outward.

”I was about to say home away from home. Far, far, far away from home, but I’ve never been here! At least not in current form. That was some super serious rassler guy named James B. Ronie. Nothing against him. He’s great, magnificent, phenomenal even. Heck, I’d go so far as to say he’s quite the looker! But, that wasn’t me…”

Treats rests his painted chin in the palm of his white gloved, right hand.

”Other than that, the guy was the epitome curtain jerker. That ain’t me babe! Nope! Silly me! I totally assumed you already knew who I was!”

The overly excited clown’s stance changes rather quickly. His gloved hands tug at his two-toned, blue sky & pink vest. With a quick lick of his lips, he continues.

”Mr. Rottentreats is the name. Clowning’s the game! Despite the rumors and the blatant disrespect of yours truly. I’m a world class athlete! After all, ya kinda have to be to get through clown college. Those darn Ringling Brothers don’t mess around when it comes to clowning!”

Without hesitation Mr. Rottentreats performs a sloppy forward roll, followed by a quick backward roll and a couple of failed attempts at a kipping up to his feet; due to slickness of surface, not his lack of athletic ability. Deciding to continue from his back; he looks up into the camera.

”Fret not, FGA Faithful! I’ll be ready by the time Vertigo on WGN America rolls around!”

Treats rolls to his right side; instructing the camera to follow him with his left index finger. The Pagliacci of Professional Wrestling props his head upon his right gloved hand. His cotton candy plaid covered left leg is bent at the knee; his foot behind his straightened left leg.

”I am a professional after all. Professional Clown. Professional Wrestler. Professional *BLEEP* stomper outer. Why else would I have been invited to participate in the aptly titled Joker’s Wild Tag Team Tournament? Why else would they choose moi, to link up with The Interstellar Princess and give the backstage correspondent and color commentator connection the opportunity to potentially vie for the FGA World Tag Team Championships on Pay-Per-View?”

The exuberant clown rolls to a seated position; grinning ear to ear. Before continuing, he retrieves a handful of twisting balloons from his left breast pocket and lies them across his right knee. Shortly after a small pump appears from underneath his cotton candy plaid sports coat. He quickly slides an open end of a balloon onto the plastic tip and begins pumping; as he continues.

”Well, for one. I’m smart. Notice how I’m not wasting my own precious air on these balloons.”

Treats continues, tying a knot in the open end of the first balloon.

”There’s also the small fact that I’m a tag team specialist. Whether it’s with my hetero life mate ”Dee-Licious” Douglas Divine, or not. I’m so freaking incredi-mazing that tag team titles have literally been handed to me. Miss ya, MacNichol!”

Suddenly sitting amidst a pile of inflated twisting balloons, the clown begins twisting them up. Not letting the squeaking of air tightened rubber deter him from talking.

”Another fact. I’m one of three participants remaining in Joker’s Wild that’s held Tag Team gold. And only one of two that have held Tag Gold in recent memory. The other being my new tag team partner Ai.”

A bright red twisted mess of balloons emerges from the bottom of the frame; resembling the Interstellar Princess.

”However, I’m getting ahead of myself. And for that, the legendary Dean Daniels, my grandfather; would smack me in the back of the head. Then he’d proceed to force me to do a ridiculous amount of free squats until he finished his nearly endless lecture on focus.”

The clown focuses on the finishing touches of the black and white balloons he’s twisting together; before sitting the twisted mess resembling Nero Darling in front of him.

”Usually, I’m the odd person out. That’s where Nero Darling comes in. She’s quite the scrapper. Not to mention quite the looker. Sorry, Cupcake! Calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.”

Treats peers outta of frame with his pet name apology directed toward his wife, then returns his attention to the camera.

”Unfortunately, this isn’t a cuteness contest. I mean, even if it were, we all know who would win, right?”

The cocky clown adjusts his cotton candy plaid sports coat with a grin.

”Nah, this is tag team rasslin’! Not just any ‘ol form of tag team rasslin’, though. Nah! Joker’s Wild Style! FGA decided to take a risk and throw a bunch of us together at rando, and voila! Myself being the most fortunate with his pick, of course! Ai and I get along so well, you’d think we’ve been sneaking off somewhere for years and perfecting this team. I assure you, we haven’t. We’ve got a special bond. One that only our fellow professional broadcasting colleagues can understand, among other things. Unlike your partner, Danny Diamond.”

The Whole F’N Sideshow sits a twisted mess of balloons in front of him resembling Danny Diamond.

”I’ve got no distractions to worry about with my partner. No silly little girl act. Nor lack of experience. Fortunately for me, Ai isn’t lacking in that department. I’ll even tight rope walk the limb and say we’re the only true threat participating in Joker’s Wild.”

Mr. Rottentreats pulls a safety pin from the lapel of his sports coat. The clown’s excited grin morphs into a sinister smirk as he stabs the open safety pin into the Nero Darling and Danny Diamond balloons.

POP!!

POP!!

”The Interstellar Princess and the Whole F’N Sideshow are going to be the duo coming out of this match advancing and shining like diamonds. As for you two? You’ll be placed in the jewelry pages of the Fingerhut catalog with the rest of the cubic zirconia.

Treats rolls backward and pops up to his feet; dusting his white gloves off.

”Get ready world. I’m about to make my WGN America debut alongside Ai Han, Saturday at eight p.m. eastern on Vertigo. This one is a can’t miss!"