Happy Karmukkah!

[Johnny Karma]

KARMIC TV
Dreaming of a Christmas where the Mets don't choke in the World Series

We cut tot he Karmic TV studio where, in keeping with the seasonal spirit, there's a tree decorated with all manner of ornaments, ranging from Rolling Stones baubles to a Statue of Liberty ornament to an NY Mets Santa which appears to have at least two different strings of Christmas lights wrapped around it that are blinking arhythmically while a menorah is subtly placed near the tree…but let’s be honest here, that’s not drawing your eye – instead the focus of any heterosexual male (and bi-curious female) is Cherry Baum’s remarkable elf costume, which is showing more leg than most people would’ve thought possible, although it would be showing a little bit more if it wasn’t paired with her set of fishnets

Oh, and Karma’s wearing a yellow and black Karma Claus outfit, but that’s not important right now…

Hi guys, welcome to an extra-extra-extra special edition of Karmic TV as we ring in the holidays by giving our loyal Karmanauts the combination of joy and happiness and seasonal cheer that you can only get when you pour Kahlua into your eggnog.

As soon as Cherry says this, Karma looks down the side of the couch and sees an empty eggnog carton. Fearing he already knows the answer, Karma picks it up and sniffs it, and is greeted by the telltale aroma of Kahlua

Miss Baum, have you been drinking?

Maybe one or two…

Karma is about to respond, then checks behind the sofa and picks up a second empty carton, before giving Cherry an incredulous look

How are you…? I mean, you walked in here without swaying, you’re not slurring your speech…are you some kind of mutant?

Cherry nonchalantly shrugs

I’m a Coney chick.

Karma is about to respond…but then thinks so much better of it and decides to get things back on track

So, anyway, welcome one and all to a very special Christmas…

Karma is visited by the mental image of his mother clipping him around the ear

…and every other holiday you may be celebrating edition of Karmic TV, where we would have been discussing which members of the FWA roster has been naughty and who has been nice in 2015…but since the naughty list would have been so lopsided we would have had to start a coal mine of our own in order to give out all those lumps of coal to those boys and girls who are about as eligible for the Nobel Peace Prize as any Star Wars fanboy that gets wound up when somebody spoils the latest Star Wars movie by telling them that Jar Jar Binks dies.

Jar Jar Binks? I thought they killed off…

Karma rapidly puts a finger to his lips with one hand while making the “cut it out” gesture with the other

I don’t want to receive a dozen letter bombs in the post for telling everybody that [CENSORED] gets killed off in almost exactly the same manner as [CENSORED] does in the first movie or [CENSORED] does in the other first movie, because if people know that [CENSORED] dies in the movie they will never be able to enjoy the movie as they already know that [CENSORED] will be dead by the time the end credits roll. And I dread to think how they would react if I said that, in the next movie, [CENSORED] is [CENSORED]’s father – because that’s a trope that’s nearly as overdone as numerous characters having their [CENSORED] cut off.

As soon as Karma finishes, Cherry pulls out a notepad and scribbles down a couple of notes

What are you doing there?

Just making a note that I’ll need to censor half a dozen things in the edit.

Ah…

It occurs to Karma that he may have dropped a spoiler motherlode

Anyway, moving on, instead I thought that it would be that little bit more fitting to discuss what various members of the FWA roster should be getting in their…

Karma pauses, as his eyes wander in the general direction of Cherry’s fishnets for a moment, before he remembers he’s in the middle of a sentence

…stocking this Christmas.

So let’s start at the…no, wait, we aren’t starting at the top for our first recipient, we’re that little bit below it as that person is no longer at the top – which means, of course, we are talking about that fine example of why people wish the dinosaurs still ruled the earth because the thought of a stegosaurus representing FWA is far more palatable, Chandler Scott. You know, I thought long and hard about what he needs for Christmas, mainly as the first few thoughts involved a cement truck parking up next to his house and dumping its contents through the window of whichever room he happens to be in at that time, but after putting the thoughts of him being encased in cement while he’s having his bowl of morning cornflakes out of my mind for the two seconds it took for inspiration to grip me, I found exactly what he would want for Christmas: a $50 gift certificate for Saks Fifth Avenue and somebody to point him in the general direction of the men’s accessories section. This means that now Chandler can pick out a stylish belt to hold his pants up, and everyone else in FWA can rest easy knowing that him having this belt won’t reflect badly on any of them. So go nuts, Chandler, because the January sales have started early and that certificate will stretch to several Ralph Lauren belts, so there’s no need to settle for something less.

This leads me to the second gift recipient, Zero McHannon, who I would like to give my own, personal thumbs up…but since that has no monetary value that would be one heck of a bilik gift, so instead I’ll offer what no doubt many of the FWA roster have offered – so whatever you’re drinking, I’ll happily buy you one. Unless its key ingredient is Kahlua, since we’re currently running a little low.

So he won’t be having a dirty mother then?

I said I’d be getting him a drink, not a…

Karma notices the look that Cherry is giving him, and understands immediately – even if it is about five seconds too late

Up next is Johnny Cannon, and for a while I was having all manner of problems of coming up with a gift for him. I mean, what can you get for the man who has as many redeeming features as the contents of an Arby’s dumpster on a hot and humid July afternoon? That sell is almost as tough as convincing any music producer that a female artist can sell a gazillion records without spending countless songs kvetching that they got dumped. But as I racked my brains, it occurred to me that the one thing Johnny Cannon needs is a trip to the Bronx Zoo, so he can replace Quinn Godrich with an actual dancing monkey that he can literally pay in peanuts. Just think of the savings!

However, as tempting as it is to indulge in the holiday spirit, the fact is that it wouldn’t be wise for me to gorge on all manner of things that aren’t good for me and certainly a lot worse for my waistline, as it isn’t too long after Christmas Day when I once again step into the ring, and it seems somebody in the FWA office has decided to give me a late Christmas present by having this match take place in my hometown…although I’d have preferred an early Christmas present by having a match in my hometown take place at Final Frontier. Just saying…

Karma gives a look to camera that is a combination of judgmental and a not insignificant proportion disappointment

When it comes to my match with Annie Zellor, it’s hard for me not to think more about what went down at Final Frontier, specifically how Annie stepped in to protect Dom Harter. On the one hand, I’m sure that if you asked 98% of the FWA locker room about what Izzy Anders was doing to Harter’s shoulder after the match, they’d tell you something along the lines of getting what he deserved or reaping what he has sown, which says all that you need to know about how popular he is with people who have to work alongside him – especially when he decided to goad a Mid-Atlantic Legacy title match out of Izzy by costing her a spot in the Frontier Lions Cup final, yet the only reason he wants that title is so he can call himself a Grand Slam champion, making the title little more than a notch on his proverbial bedpost…although if you hear Harter talking about notches on his bedpost, you should point out to him that lying on his hand for ten minutes doesn’t make it worthy of being a second notch.

Cherry shields her eyes in the hope that it prevents her mentally picturing the scene Karma is suggesting

The problem is that, by eliminating one of the many, many reasons why FWA is sending in an application to be the tenth circle of Genem, Izzy Anders appears to have fatally misunderstood the old saying as she believes that once she had beaten them, she should promptly join them – and the same can be said for Yun Goeun, since I’m on the subject. Seriously, people, this is FWA and not The Hunger Games – you don’t become champion by killing off the competition, nor did FWA inspire all manner of blatant knockoffs like The Maze Runner or Divergent.

The point is that, while your actions may have been noble, the majority of people in the locker room have their various reasons for wishing you hadn’t bothered – some because of a grudge against Harter, some because they want one less person in their way as they climb the ranks, or some who just want to see somebody else get dumped on the injured list for the sake of it.

But that’s enough about the past being in the past, even if that past was a couple of weeks back, instead I’ll look to the future…even though this is the last Vertigo of 2015, rather than the first one of 2016, which would make it a tad more futuristic.

I have to say, it is refreshing to be facing an opponent who wouldn’t seem out of place in the Chamber of Horrors, or in the case of my last opponent somebody who is applying for a position…come to think of it, didn’t I beat the Mid-Atlantic Legacy champion in my last match? Doesn’t this make me a contender – and without having to put half a dozen people in the emergency room to do it?

Karma gives a knowing look to the camera

And, as Annie says, even though she’s been on the FWA treadmill for some time, we’ve never really crossed paths – which, given the regularity I seem to have faced some opponents does come off as a little odd. Come to think of it, unless somebody wants to trawl Wikipedia for far longer than is healthy, I can’t think of a time I’ve faced another New Yorker in an FWA ring, which is something else that strikes me as more than a little odds. Does somebody think putting a couple of New Yorkers in the ring is sort of like crossing the streams or, keeping with the Ghostbusters theme, casting Melissa McCarthy in any film that has ever or will ever be made?

So from that standpoint there’s a whole load of new beginning, such as facing an opponent I have never faced before and – Wikipedia trawl pending – the first time I’ve faced off with a fellow New Yorker in the ring. Now some people would go into the match thinking of local pride, after all I can speak from experience of how much it sucks to lose in front of your hometown crowd, while others might wonder if some sort of Mets vs Yankees rivalry will spill out in the ring, which I assure you is not going to happen – after all, that would imply Yankees fans qualify as human – but it’s hard not to think how things could’ve worked out better. For example, this match’ll be my second match in three NYC shows – but my matches weren’t on the one show everyone was hoping to get on, which is a fine example of being a pyrrhic victory. And doesn’t that sum up my 2015 better than anything, where I didn’t sweat the routine stuff but anything major that was right in front of me decided to run away into the distance and leave me behind? That’s the real new beginning I need: having something in front of me, and yet it gets closer and closer until it throws itself into my hands – which sounds a lot more fun than having something just out of my reach that gets snatched away at the last second just when I think it’s possible to grab it.

But you know what? Today is not a day for navel-gazing, while tomorrow is the day where the only reason to gaze in that general direction is when you’re wondering how many months the gym membership you’re signing up for in the New Year should last. Instead it’s a day to eat, drink…unless somebody’s gone through the Kahlua, and be merry, and just for one day put a few of your worries behind you and celebrate something joyous. So with that in mind, I wish all you loyal Karmanauts a Merry Christmas, a Chag Sameach, and a food coma that doesn’t keep you up all night as your guts are working overtime to process all that you have dumped on them today.

So with that said, Karma looks for something to toast the camera with…but can only find one of Cherry’s empty eggnog cartons, so decides to toast with that while Cherry blows a kiss to camera

...

...

...

...

...

A short while after Karma and Cherry have finished filming the episode and the set has been packed up, Karma is looking exceptionally henpecked as he talks on his phone as Cherry looks on

...don't worry, mom, I'll be there in about half an hour. No, no, it's fine, no need to bust a gut. I'll see you in a bit.

Karma hangs up his phone and takes a deep, cleaning breath as he prepares to spend the day with his family, with all the trials and tribulations that inevitably involves, and once he;s relaxed a little bit he spies Cherry is looking at him attentively, clearly wanting to ask him something but not quite summoning up the courage - which is quite remarkable, given the amount of booze she's knocked back already

Well I have to, you know...family and stuff. I'll give you a call later?

Sure, no problem...listen, J-K? I was wondering...

Hmm?

Do you have any plans for New Year?

There's the slightest hint of a pause before Karma answers

I've got nothing major planned, maybe meet a few people for a couple of drinks, while avoiding Times Square like the plague.

Well, I was wondering...well, me and a few friends will be going to The Rub and was wondering if maybe...maybe you'd like to join me?

Almost as soon as Cherry asks, she quickly throws in a whole bunch of exposition

...you know, just if you're interested, since we've got to pick up the tickets and we don't want to have one left over or something because it'd be a shame to drop fifty bucks and then have to find someone to sell the ticket to on the night or whatever. But if you're interested it's in Gowanus, so getting back will be easy and it's nowhere near Times Square so if you...

In a very poor attempt at subtly, Karma attempts to make a polite throat-clearing sound to distract Cherry for a second...but ends up nearly coughing up some less-than-seasonal cheer, but this still manages to stop Cherry's soliloquy about spending New year's Eve in The Bell House for just long enough to get a word in

You know, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

Cherry's face lights up like the proverbial Christmas tree

Really?

Yes, really.

Okay, I'll just make sure I can get you a ticket. Thanks J-K!

Cherry skips out of the door while calling somebody on her phone, showing remarkably nimble footwork for somebody whose imbibed that much Kahlua, and at first he seems intrigued at the thought of going clubbing for New Year's...and then a feeling of uncertainty creeps over him: did Cherry just ask him out on a date?

...to be continued