THE BEST DANG THING SINCE EYELINER

[Perello]

“This is my chance…

My opportunity to show the World that Prince MacRear is not only the best looking wrestler in LDFC AND FGA…

...but to show the nasties ALL AROUND THE WORLD THAT I AM THE VERY BEST TALENT IN LDFC! THE UNQUESTIONABLE LEADER OF THE LOCKER ROOM!”

His voice echoes throughout the empty theatre that was rented out for him by his mother. The camera focuses in on the stage, the lights all dimmed down until a spotlight shines overtop of the stage with the Sultan of Selfies standing in the middle.

“I AM PRICE MACREAR AND I AM THE MOST GORGEOUS HUMAN SPECIMEN THE WORLD HAS EVER CREATED! I AM THE OWNER OF THE BEST STREAK IN THE HISTORY OF STREAKS, AND I AM YOUR NEXT APEX CHAMPION! YAAAAAAAAAAY!!”

The ecstatic MacRear jumps up and down in place, clapping his hands after he finishes his words.

“I really have it ALLLLLLL don’t I? The looks...the charisma...the charm...and, oh yeah, THE MOVIE STAR GOOD LOOKS!”

He licks the tips of his index and pinky fingers and slides them across his eyebrows.

“WHY WOULDN’T I BE THE NUMBER ONE PICK FOR FIRST LDFC APEX CHAMPION?! I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, I AM THE ONE WHO IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE MOST FOLLOWED, AND MOST BELOVED STAR IN THE LOCKER ROOM! I AMMMM THE ONE WHO LDFC IS BUILT AROUND! HECK, I ALREADY BEAT SOME OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS STUPID TOURNAMENT! I SHOULD GET AN AUTOMATIC BYE TO THE FINALS, BUT NOOOOOOOO. LDFC WANTS ME TO BEAT TRIPLE NASTIE AGAIN. LDFC WANTS ME TO BEAT THE LEADER OF THE NASTIES NEST AGAIN! LDFC WANTS ME TO MAKE LAURA SEVILLE UGLY AND DANGIT I DON’T WANT TO!”

MacRear frowns, his eyes staring down at the hardwood stage floor.

“But if this is what I have to do to become the Apex Champion then so be it! I’M NOT AFRAID OF SOME HALF A BRAIN NUMBSKULL NAMED NEM! SO UGLY HE HAS TO WEAR A FREAKING MASK!”

He makes a yuck face as he stares up at the camera.

“I’M NOT AFRAID OF ANOTHER SUPER BEARDED NASTY LIKE BRODY WATTS! SO UGLY HE PROBABLY HAS A ARMY OF ANTS LIVING IN HIS BEARD, BUT HE’S TOO DUMB TOO CARE! UGH. SOOOOOOO DISGUSTING!”

Macrear screams with sass in his voice.

“AND I WILL NOT LET A SMELLY, GREEK, CLUB HOPPING FOOL TAKE THE CROWN THAT BELONGS TO ME! NONE OF YOU HAVE WHAT I HAVE. NONE OF YOU OOZE CHARISMA. NONE OF YOU MAKE BRAD PITT QUESTION WHY HE’S ALIVE WHEN HE STARES AT A SELFIE OF YOU! THAT’S ME! PRINCE MACREAR! THE BEST DANG THING SINCE EYELINER, AND YOUR FIRST APEX CHAMPION! HEHEHE!”

The exuberant LDFC star giggles to himself, motioning that he had a championship around his waist.

“All of you want this… I know you do… I know you nasties have nothing else to live for other than someone telling you that you’re doing GREAT in your profession, and that’s why most of you want to be Apex Champion. You want to bring that championship home and show your family and friends that YOU ARE NOT WASTING YOUR TIME, AND DAMAGING YOUR BODY AS A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER! YOU WANT TO SHOW THEM YOU’RE GOOD AT IT, AND MY FABIO, I AM FUCKING GOOD AT IT!”

MacRear screams, clearly talking about himself now.

“I’m not wasting my time. I’m not just some pretty boy with a good head of hair! I’M A WRESTLING MACHINE, GODDAMNIT, AND I WILL BE YOUR FIRST APEX CHAMPION!”

MacRear makes his patent duckface.

“Ciao, bitches.”