Debuts Are Bollocks.

[Butcher.]

"The rustle and bustle of a smarmy bar, got to love the ol' pub on a weekday where every geezer drowns in a pint and gets friendly with the 27 year old server who's got more hand-prints on her arse than a door-handle. LONDON, ladies and gents, the Majesty's kingdom, the marquee of eloquence, other needless bollocks and so, on..."

And with a vague wave of the hand...

"Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."

Many people didn't know who I was, and mind you, I was lookin' to change that. Butcher was the name, but me mother and cheeky bastards around these parts call me "Teddy". S'pretty difficult you know, havin' one of your mates holdin' up a camera, drunk off of his arse. S'more difficult tryna sound like a right type of bruiser when you got people howlin' like right arseholes...who are ALSO...drunk off of their arses. So I did me best, rolled with the punches. Now where was I, before I went into this stupid lil' mental speak...? Oh, right.

"Butcher, is me name. S'not some stupid lil' play on words, it's me God given name, quite honestly. You lot should see the look on people's faces when they ask me what to call me. They think of me as a right thug, they do. But I'm more than that, I'm a hard working bloke. I surround myself with other people who also dip their hands in business ventures. HARD WORKIN' FOLKS, AIN'T WE THERE NEESON...?!"

The hunched over drunkard behind me, looks at me.

"Fuck off Butcher."

"HA HA HA, RIGHT THEN."

I give him a big, hardy smack on the back which makes him slip his beer. He rolls his eyes as I glare back at the camera.

"See, nothin' but hardworkers, here, through and through; That's the ol' fashion way. Hard work. A lot of people...will look y'in the eyes and say they work hard. That's the thing about blokes and me, though, lads, since I was a young lil' pup I've always gotten my hands dirty. A lil' grit never hurt no one. So they tell me to come to America, our lil' sister, and they tell me come face the best up n' comin' lot you've ever seen. They tell me, pack me things, come over the pond, get a gander at the FUTURE..."

I give a bit of a chuckle at that last bit. I hold my hands up and paint a build picture for you uncultured fucks out there.

"FUTURE...hehe. That'sa a bold one right there. Because the way I see it, s'only so much room for the future. Don't have a lot left for the blokes who make bad jokes, and the beastly savages who'd eat your face. No, the future calls for a GENTLEMAN. A rather dandy son of a bitch with the tongue of a right scholar."


"Who are you talkin' about Teddy...?"

My cameraman ladies and gents.

"Me you wanker! What you think I'm not keen enough do you? Have you know, Churchill runs through me veins."


"You mum never said a lick about your dad...how do you know you've got Churchill in your line?"


"Because I always had a way with words! I'm a right voice of a lost generation!"


"You're somethin' alright..."


"Sod off. Anyway, where was I? Right, the FUTURE...is me. I'm not comin' to Lion's Den to play second fiddle. No, I'm not there to get beat up, I sure as Hell don't plan on comin' back to London empty-handed. No lads, I'm in it to win it. And if that means I gotta beat the black jester and the tiny, evil, lamb to do it I ain't much for puttin' up a fuss about details. Put me in a ring, I'll knock any wanker out, that's my way. And when it's all said and done, and when everybody realizes what I'm there to do...you'll thank me later."


"Teddy, can I put this bloody thing down, my beer's getting warm..."

"Can't you stop complaining for once? That's your problem, always a whiney lil' shit. This is what Diana kicked you outta the flat..."


"Oh fuck you Teddy...!"


"Go ahead then, put it down...I got my message across. Go on and wash your sorrows away in your pint like the whiney lil' bugger you are. Go on then."


"You're such a cunt."


"And you love me for it...everyone will." 

And with that BEAMING introduction, my faithful cameraman and drinking buddy put the camera down and we continued to shoot the shit. Another day in this smarmy pub, and the beginning of a new life for me.

Cheers.