Hans & Liesl vs. 420 BC

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Blog @ HansTheHammer.com
Posted on 24/4/15

It would appear as if Lions Den Fighting Championship has seen fit to team with my protégé, Liesl Albrecht. This is good news; this means that you all have the pleasure to see the two best wrestlers that LDFC has on the roster at the same time.

That means you can save your voices from having to chant your derogatory slurs twice in one night. You should have plenty of energy left to cheer for your favourites – people like Terrence Tillman, Laura Seville, Bree Nelson – as they display the kind of mediocrity and banality that makes them such laughable contenders.

Those who have been beaten by a man such as Prince MacRear; he who worships at the altar of vanity, whose pride and materialistic yearning is indicative of American culture.

Or the plucky young underdog who is trying to work around her disability; who you have taken to your soft, American hearts without a second thought. You crave the feel good story, your nation always has. You are willing to ignore the flaws in a person, in an idea, so you can put somebody such as Bree Nelson on a pedestal and idolise her. You can admire her ‘courage’ for wrestling as deaf person. But when the happy ending doesn’t arrive … then what?

Or Terrence Tillman. Man who clings to fluke victories to try and feel good about himself. Little dog who plays dress up like child, dog whose bark is worse than his bite.

You managed to defeat Liesl, but like I said, every dog has its day. You want to try Liesl again, I guarantee you won’t get the same result a second time. You want to try to step into the ring with me? Rookie, I would embarrass you. You would be humiliated. I would put you down like the mutt that you are.

But you’re too stupid, too stubborn to see the futility in your endeavours.

But these people are not our problem this week. On Pride we have to focus on Serenity and Ligaya Fontaine, two Canadians who seem to think the answer to life’s problems can be found at the bottom of a bong.

Pathetic.

You had natural advantage over most of LDFC roster (you’re not inferior American) and you have chosen to squander this. To waste the opportunity you had to get ahead of your competition. And for what? Your escapism?

You bring shame to your families, but you may have use after all. Liesl and I, we will not waste our opportunities like you have. We will not squander the chance to show these LDFC fans what true dominance looks like inside that ring. So we can bond as a team, basking in the glory of your defeat. Then you can return to your homeland, away from this cesspit in North Carolina which we have all found ourselves in. You can try again at later date, when you realise the gift you are throwing away.

Regardless, this Wednesday night Liesl and I will dominate proceedings in the ring. Your inferiority will shine through in the end, 420 B.C. and so shall begin our reign at the top of LDFC.

– Hans