Kaour Feedback

[princekaour]

Well, that makes two Rp's with this character... and to be honest... I want to know how you guys/girls feel about it.

Be fucking honest (and brutal)... I will take everything said here into consideration, because my goal is to make this character the best character I can possibly make.

Thank you!

[Deleted]

Will do after judging ^_^

[shaunsindelman]

Could use some too, Benny.

[princekaour]

Just your friendly bump...

[Deleted]

I'll start by nitpicking on a little thing. Please pick a format and stick with it. By that I mean single line break or double, that indent you do before paragraphs. Doesn't detract from your score, but like I said, I'm nitpicking.

Also parts like:

Kaour: Two weeks ago I received an envelope, said envelope had a contract that would change my life forever. That contract was the key to a better life for me and my family, I needed that, I needed more than anyone else in this world. I needed it because I needed to prove myself that I was good at something, or that at least someone thought as being good enough to earn a spot. That envelope from Frontier Grappling Arts signaled the first step into an industry filled with blood, sweat and tears. I knew that, I knew that from the minute I sent them my tape to evaluation, I knew that from the minute I had on my mind that wrestling could be my way of providing a new life to my daughter. I knew I was taking a risk that many other parents wouldn't take.

I'm risking my health for a pay day, but that's a risk I'm willing to take if it means that pay day will give me the opportunity to give my daughter a better living than the small apartment we have here in Chicago... and there's no one... not a single person in this world that would step in and take that away from me.

For some reason I felt some intensity growing inside me, even though I knew I was talking bullshit and probably I would bore more people than what I would entertain. It would take me a lot of time to adjust, a lot of practice to become better but right now I felt like speaking from the heart was the one thing I could do that wouldn't show how scared I am, so I continued.

Kaour: Sage, getting to know you a little bit more... I have to say that you and I aren't so different. We both have strong reasons to be in this industry, we both have big goals, we both want to prove something to someone. Damn it Sage, we both have similar styles in that ring. If I wasn't so sure that the man living in this skin is me... I could even say we're living the same kind of life.

Because of that, because of the fact that we're so similar to each other, I respect you. I respect every single thing you do in that ring, I respect every single thing you do outside, because I know the struggle. I know how it feels to have to show up every single week being in the most sharp form you might possibly be. I know how it feels to know that if you fail, everything can come tumbling and the dominoes could start piling up. I know Sage, I know the eagerness and the determination you have to succeed in this industry, because I'm living that struggle.

I'm guessing the parts I've italicized aren't spoken word, but I'm not sure. In the second quote you make it seem like it should be spoken, but it's formatted in the same manner as previously unspoken material. Just be a little clearer, that's all I ask.


Now...

Match Discussion: He's been doing this since 2011, he should have a clue what he's talking about by now Solid face promos, you build up your opponent and the match and don't stray into that territory where you're getting fans to wonder why they'd be rooting for Prince. Like I said to Shaun, it'll get there in time; once you find that groove and have more material to work with, you'll be in good stead.

Character Focus: Damn, you've got a shit ton of material to use here. What you've done so far isn't bad but you're treading a very delicate line and I cannot stress this enough...DON'T RUSH IT! For the love of God if he ends marrying Lisa in two months and she's pregnant a month later then I've lost all interest in the story - make it organic, let it flow and emote. Make us feel what he's feeling. One more thing, Adrian seems very wooden at the moment. If he's going to be a recurring character he may require fleshing out and given an individual voice.

Story Focus: Umm, what can I say? You've only had two matches, but now you're into that Mid-Atlantic Legacy scene you can use the past results and what Biz/Sage/Anyone else says to help pump up this section of your roleplays.

[princekaour]

Thanks, again! Formating wise, will work on that as well as the other things.