The Biz Feedback Thread

[shaunsindelman]

Post your thoughts on MB here whenever you read his RPs.

[shaunsindelman]

2nd RP posted....

[Ashley Sands]

The dialogue was ok considering Biz's position in the FGA rankings, just getting there. The one thing I would work on though is the setting. It can be stereotypical but explain a bit as to just why you chose it. There was the bit about the snow but I would expand on that like if there was something specific about that playground.

[shaunsindelman]

I'm a sucker for punishment...

So how about it, Benny and Vinny?

[Stephen]

Yo! Long time no see.

I read both of you roleplays. There isn't too much to go one just yet considering the character is still pretty fresh to FGA, but here are my thoughts:

-I like that you're writing for a veteran of the business that's looking to have his time in the spotlight again. Definitely a change of course from Blayze.
-I had to check Biz's profile to make sure he wasn't a heel or tweener, but after reading the 2nd rp again I'm convinced his experiences have just made him very confident in himself. World Champ and HoF member? Why wouldn't he be? There are still moments where it feels like he's taunting his opponents to the point where he comes off as too dubious for a face. The Evelyn Thomson bit in your first rp especially.
-I've commented in the past on your ability to describe scenery, and I still think it's true. The first roleplay was ok as you described the locker room as lacking any interesting characteristics, but was this locker room at a particular gym that Biz frequents? Giving the setting that extra bit can give it enough significance to use it again in a later roleplay when you need to go to the well cause the ideas for new settings just aren't coming in like they used to. Same with the second roleplay. Like Ash said you explained that Biz enjoyed the weather, but not why he was at this particular playground?

That's really it for right now. Still too early in the game for anything more than that. Hope this helps and good luck!

[Deleted]

Finally getting round to this...

You've got a few areas on which you can really improve with just simple tricks.

Match Focus: it feels like you're currently offering the diet version when we asked for full fat. Particularly in that first match when you just gave each opponent a fleeting mention. You improved greatly by the second rp, getting in some decent jabs at the Alec Sage character. But this can come in time when you've got a better idea of who the character is and what he'd say - also when you're not facing debut/second match opponents. And I've seen your work with Johnny Blayze so I know you can do it. Dig deep, go at opponents hard and don't relent.

Character Focus: You've given us no details about what The Biz gets up to outside the ring. I'll just copy n paste from when I gave Christine feedback a while ago...

• Why did The Biz become a wrestler?
  
• Who was he trained by and where?
  
• Who are his friends?
  
• What does he do outside of the ring?
  
• Is there any life-affirming drama in his life?
  
• Is he really like his gimmick or is that just a persona?
  
• If so, why?
  
• Vices, virtues, habits etc. there has to be something that makes Mike Bisignano more than just a wrestler. To add an extra dimension and make him more of a character, more of a person.
  

Story Focus: Again, I won't be too harsh because I know you haven't had a storyline yet and you're only a couple of matches in...but, you've made a veteran who's supposedly got a history in promotions over the last decade or so. And the feds you mentioned in your first rp, GNAW, ICW etc. you only gave them a fleeting mention once again, so we're back to that full fat vs. diet argument. Why did they close? How did that make Mike feel? Has there been any time in his past when he's come across wrestlers like he's against in FGA now? What did he do with them?

We'll start with that, but also see Vinny's notes about pacing in another feedback thread. It could be of benefit to you.


TL;DR - good start, needs more meat on the bone.

Also, pick an easy to spell surname next time please.