Dante Anglais Feedback Thread

[Deleted]

Cos fuck continuously asking for feedback.

fgawrestling.proboards.com/thread/4185/building-empire

Not my best work. Like RJ, shaking off some rust. I have my own issues with the story but it's more of a starting point than anything else. I think I did pretty well for what the story itself was.

[Deleted]

Since I got so much feedback last time... 

fgawrestling.proboards.com/thread/4279/christmas-come

Thought I'd try again.

[Deleted]

As a general observation I find your rps very...rushed.

Now whether or not this was because you were trying to get so much in before the big match at Final Frontier or not, I'm not sure.

Take that first rp for instance where you have Dante calling RJ, Tomoko ... and Aidan Collins. Lets go off on a tangent here (and ignoring I was privy to some info before Final Frontier) your debut rp could have ruined one of the surprise twists of Final Frontier. Because anyone who had read that knew that Aidan Collins was on your side, that he founded IE and when he's standing in the ring with Dante Anglais and Dan Herrera - he's going to hit Dan. As you were telling this story, I would have liked to have the reveal that Aidan Collins was a founding member of IE after he had joined the stable at Final Frontier. Maybe that's just me.

As for the rushed thing...there are times when you squeeze three telephone conversations into one rp.

Then in the next rp you introduce us to Dante's business empire and how he accumulated his wealth.

And a hooker he can call on the spur of the moment. Who he then tries to murder before being blackmailed so she remains silent.

And by the third rp you've introduced us to his two year old son, ex-girlfriend and former fiancée.

And I want to slow down and be able to take in the sights and sounds of your scenes; to be able to immerse myself in your roleplays and know everything that's going on. But when i read them I feel like I'm moving a thousand miles an hour and it's uncomfortable. You're throwing so much information at the readers in such a short space of time that we can't possibly take it all in.

On the plus side, your promo sections tend to be solid. You've nailed that condescending tone to his speeches and you're reaping the rewards of that. It's also a refreshing change that you pick up points about individual opponents to hammer home instead of harping on about the same issue over and over. So keep that up.

My only issue/suggestion with your rps so far is that it feels like you're rushing through us his story and I'd like to see them slow down, allowing each part/person you introduce to be further developed before you add something else.

[Deleted]

On the point RE: Collins, I actually wrote that story BEFORE he was to join. It was originally supposed to be a different sort of deal but he ended up jumping here.

As far as the pacing goes, I feel like I'm still trying to get back into the character. I have a story I want to tell but I'm used to having less time to tell it. The bi-weekly thing is new to me so it's taking some adapting. I don't want to get to a point where the story I want to tell can't be told due to timeframe. I like to stay within a relatively present day schedule so the rushing is more growing pains and rushing the story (IMO) than anything I really think will be a long-haul thing.

You referenced the three phone calls. I specifically chose that idea because I wanted to use it as a way of displaying different character interactions without putting things into a situation where things felt unnatural (IE: shoe-horning everybody into a party). I wasn't a huge fan of doing what I did but it was more about establishing the character interactions than telling a real story but your point is definitely valid. I wasn't incredibly happy with that roleplay but, again, trying to get back into writing the character.

I'm not very visual with my imagery. The whole "look" of the scene isn't something I find to be as important to the pieces I write as the story that actually occurs so that's probably not going to change too much but it's definitely something I'll try my hand at to see how it feels.

In terms of pacing, I'm definitely looking to slow down and focus more on character arcs than throwing everything at the reader one thing after another.

Appreciate the feedback though. Really helps me get a grasp on how someone who's never seen my work views it. I've always tried to look for new takes on my writing to help improve and develop things so this definitely helps.