FEED JUSTICE MORE?

[#Justice]

Even if my #FTTF RP was deathly late xD. (Goddammnitblamebennyorspiroorjustblameme) I'd like to know what people thought of it considering it was my first full(ish) Fran RP.

[Deleted]

I like that in the middle of all the standard crazy you have notes that say Fran really is sick, has been or is in treatment, rather than it just being something that everyone ignores. I'm also reminded of the old saying "The man who represents himself has a fool for a client"

[Jensen Banks]

You an asshole for Judge Spiro.

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

Sup! I'm Chris (or Nina from HKW, which ever you prefer). Feedback time.


Things I thought worked well:

-Showing her Character: On Twitter Fran is always kind of...weird I guess you could say. In this RP you were able to carry her Twitter personality over

-One liners and such: There a couple that I find interesting, I'll just list one.

“And I don’t have a lawyer here today because I don’t need one to prove that I’M the victim here. Besides I have Felicity here with me in my heart.”

That last line killed me.


Thing I didn't think worked well/could be improved upon:

-Dialogue (format wise): I found your RP hard to read at times. I'll give an example below.

“Ms. Rose, sit down.” The judge said. “NO! WHY IS HE BRINGING UP TAXES?” I got heated. I would say that I knew what I was doing but I was really losing it mentally at this point. “Ms. Rose, the state of New Jersey is counter suing you for not paying-“ At that moment I leaped right off my desk and climbed up to Judge Spiro’s desk. “AHHHHHHHHHH!” I started clawing away at his face as a big policeman came from behind me pulling me off him. “Ms. ROSE! YOU’RE SPENDING TWO NIGHTS BEHIND BARS THIS TIME! THAT’S ME BEING GENEROUS BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER IS A RENOWNED LAWYER HERSELF AND SHE HAD TO DEAL WITH YOU FOR SO LONG. POSTPONE THIS CASE!” As I was dragged out of the court room I screamed out at the top of my lungs “DARK CHOCOLATE WON’T BEAT ME AT FRONTEIR TO THE FUTURE! YOU PEOPLE DON’T KNOW SHIT! IF HE WINS I BLAME YOU JUDGE SPIRO!” My body guard ran behind the policeman even though there was little he could do.

Now, it's not that I couldn't tell who was talking, but the formatting is a bit chunky, and you're making the reader work hard than he or she probably wants. Maybe next time, try something like this:

Ms. Rose, sit down.” The judge said.

“NO! WHY IS HE BRINGING UP TAXES?” I got heated. I would say that I knew what I was doing but I was really losing it mentally at this point.

“Ms. Rose, the state of New Jersey is counter suing you for not paying-“

At that moment I leaped right off my desk and climbed up to Judge Spiro’s desk. “AHHHHHHHHHH!” I started clawing away at his face as a big policeman came from behind me pulling me off him.

“Ms. ROSE! YOU’RE SPENDING TWO NIGHTS BEHIND BARS THIS TIME! THAT’S ME BEING GENEROUS BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER IS A RENOWNED LAWYER HERSELF AND SHE HAD TO DEAL WITH YOU FOR SO LONG. POSTPONE THIS CASE!”

As I was dragged out of the court room I screamed out at the top of my lungs “DARK CHOCOLATE WON’T BEAT ME AT FRONTEIR TO THE FUTURE! YOU PEOPLE DON’T KNOW SHIT! IF HE WINS I BLAME YOU JUDGE SPIRO!” My body guard ran behind the policeman even though there was little he could do.

Again, just my opinion, but this is easier to read and it's better for the eyes. OR, if you want to keep your current format, it would help to add some color.

-Match Focus: I wish there had been a bit more focus on the match, and Marcus specifically. Cyn's character may be a rookie, but he got a fair deal of wrestling history that you could have used to your advantage. 


*Welp, these are my thoughts. Take them with a grain of salt.