Annie feedback

[Deleted]

Hey, I just started
And this is lazy
But I've done 3 rps
So feed me maybe.

More looking to see if I've avoided too many of the teen girl tropes, if she seems realistic, if you've developed a sense of pathos for her no matter how annoying she might be.

That sorta thing, please and thank you.

[Deleted]

*BUMP*

'Cause I'm annoying like that

[Chaz Holiday]

Okayyyy you asked and you shall receive. Overall, I enjoyed it. Annie is always fun for me to read. She's just so freakin' adorable but kickass at the same time. I guess one knock is she can be TOO cute sometimes, and you forget she's a wrestler. But that's part of her charm, I think. She actually feels like a real person. 

First scene in the RP: Really enjoyed it. I like the Dom/Annie pairing. They're such polar opposites that their interactions mesh together really well. There's not too much to touch on here, imo. I take it as a piece that's more aimed at putting over the Dom/Annie dynamic, more than anything.

Shoot: Solid. Got a good feel for how determined Annie is to be successful. The actual stuff used against her opponent wasn't the strongest but then again, it's hardly ever going to be against someone who's making their debut so I can't hold that against you too much. But you put over the match like it was a big deal and in the end, that's one of the most important things. Especially when writing a character like Annie, who seems to take every match very seriously and looks at it as important.

Third scene: It made me dislike Mac sooooo much lol. And while I felt bad for Annie, at the same time, I couldn't feel COMPLETELY bad for her. Reason being, she put herself in that position by having sex with Mac. It was decision that she made and now has to deal with any backlash that comes from it. It's also her own fault for interpreting Mac's words the wrong way, and thinking that there's a chance of him getting back together with her. Maybe there's a chance? I don't know. It doesn't seem like it. But I guess crazier things have happened. Also, she looked through the phone. Another one of her decisions that she has to live with the backlash of. So all of this falls on her decisions. Either way, despite all of that, I still can't help but feel bad for her. Yeah, a lot of it is her fault but still, Mac is a dick lol. So even though a lot of the things she's going through, is her fault, the fact that Mac is a jerk and was breaking up with her because of sex, just makes me feel for her no matter what.

And now you must be my best friend for 30 minutes, as promised.

[Deleted]

Wow...... so I must say that I hate the teen valley girl thing and they way they look at life, but I must say that you did such a good job portraying it that I had to keep reading. What is the relationship between Dom and Annie? I'm guessing they're siblings? They have good chemistry together, and talk to each other the way family members would.

I really liked the shoot. Her total teenage nature took over, and even though I hate the way girls like that talk, I had to keep reading. So good work there.

The third scene was odd for me. Why was it there? I imagine you're going to expand on this whole Mac/Lizzy/Lux/Annie thing in the future...... I hope. It was just a lot of names and information to take in during one sitting. Once again, totally like a teenage girl rambling on the phone.

Overall, if you were looking for her to act, look, feel, smell, and taste like an annoying ass teenage girl, you nailed it! She was annoying as fuck, but you wrote it well enough to where I couldn't stop reading it. So big kudos there. Looking forward to more from her.

[Deleted]

They're not siblings, Annie's mom was moving away to Arizona so Dom offered to let her live at his house when he also had his trainee Hunter living there since Hunter and Annie are both in HKW together. So he's about the closest thing to family that she's got and she'd just a pain in the ass.

The third scene was building on the two dev rps I posted last weekend and helping to build towards something in April.

And thank you, I was looking for her to feel natural. Annoying yet somewhat endearing (you're not the only one who finds her annoying, just ask Twitter)

[Deleted]

Alright, I gotcha. I went back and read the other two that you posted, and it makes a lot more sense now. I'm gonna keep reading just to see what develops out of that third scene now. And that girl is all natural sounding. So natural it's almost scary. Kudos.

[Deleted]

Any feedback on how she's doing since March anyone please?

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

Hola Ben; tis' feedback time.

Things I thought worked well:
-Annie's interactions with her dad: I always found this relationship interesting; perhaps it's because I have a similar relationship with my own father. I think it adds layers to the Annie character; it shows the reader that things aren't bubble-gum and sunshine in her life.

-Details: You and Vinny do a good job adding imagery and details in your RP's. It makes reading them much more enjoyable. 

-End of the shoot: You finish up your shoot talking about all the hard matches that Annie has excelled in. I thought it worked well, especially considering that challenge that Black Hand would be to Annie (who is younger wrestler).


Things I think didn't work/could be improved upon:
-Annie's tone: I know Annie is pure at heart. But, over the past months she's been verbally abused, beat up in the back, and disrespected by Black Hand. So, while Annie's tone and cheeriness fits her overall personality, I'm not sure she would really react that way in real life. Although what she said was serious, I would have loved to see her with a more serious tone...at least for this match anyway.

Well, those are my thoughts. Hope they help a bit.

[Ashley Sands]

Going off of this last one...

Pros:
Annies relationship with her dad. Keep going with that and how she's working on dealing with it. If FGA ever has a show in the state, capitalize on it.
The change in scenery from her bedroom to a gym was a nice touch, showing just how serious she's taking her preparations for her first defense against a team she doesn't exactly like.


Cons:
While the beginning did a good job of showing just how busy Annie's been lately with all of the work for other promotions and endorsement deals, I think it gets a little muddled towards the end. Especially with the end about her personal life. The details about what's going on with her were good but I think you expanded it too much. I would say take only a few of those examples and really focus in on them. Like having sushi with Fel could've been more significant than just a glancing mention.
I like how Annie's always so cheery but I think now would've been a bit more serious. There were flashes of it here and there with her pausing and a hint of an angry tone but could've done more with it. Given the match with the Black Hand and what they've done, this is pretty damn personal. This isn't just any normal match but they've crossed a line with her by going after her outside of the ring in the back and should've been treated as such.

Missed opportunity:
Annie and Chase sharing a hotel room? Might've been a good idea to mention that they slept in separate beds or something considering how Annie gets when sex is even mentioned. Otherwise, it's implied by sharing a room together that her and Chase are getting busy lol
The fact that Black Hand ran instead of finishing the match with AshTon would've been something to hit on. Do they really want to put in the work needed to win the titles or would they rather keep taking the low road?

[Deleted]

Thank you both for your comments. I'm glad you're enjoying the storyline with her dad, I'm looking forward to exploring it mre down the line. As for the cons...

Oct 18, 2014 7:11:56 GMT -5 LΞCAVALIΞR said:

Hola Ben; tis' feedback time.
Things I think didn't work/could be improved upon:
-Annie's tone: I know Annie is pure at heart. But, over the past months she's been verbally abused, beat up in the back, and disrespected by Black Hand. So, while Annie's tone and cheeriness fits her overall personality, I'm not sure she would really react that way in real life. Although what she said was serious, I would have loved to see her with a more serious tone...at least for this match anyway.

Well, those are my thoughts. Hope they help a bit.

Oct 18, 2014 8:18:00 GMT -5 Ashley Sands said:

Cons:
I like how Annie's always so cheery but I think now would've been a bit more serious. There were flashes of it here and there with her pausing and a hint of an angry tone but could've done more with it. Given the match with the Black Hand and what they've done, this is pretty damn personal. This isn't just any normal match but they've crossed a line with her by going after her outside of the ring in the back and should've been treated as such.

These I'll answer with one explanation. I'm not about to cut off my nose to spite my face. While I appreciate that some characters would react with anger to what The Black Hand has done ... I'm trying to run Annie as a solid nine, pushing a ten on that scale. As well as being the ying to Laurel's yang, so Annie getting angry everytime a heel goes after her won't work for her. She's got to try and rise above it and develop a thicker skin than what people think she has. And I'm trying to keep that same personality that's made her a fan favourite throughout her short career as much as possible; not only because that's the philosophy she preaches.

And if/when she does snap, I want it to be special and I want it to be spectacular.

Oct 18, 2014 8:18:00 GMT -5 Ashley Sands said:

Missed opportunity:
Annie and Chase sharing a hotel room? Might've been a good idea to mention that they slept in separate beds or something considering how Annie gets when sex is even mentioned. Otherwise, it's implied by sharing a room together that her and Chase are getting busy lol

Annie's reaction to the mention of sex is more to do with the public nature of the discussions than whatever is being said. But - considering how in part two of her story she put out with Mac the first time she met him in person - when she's in a hotel room with Chase, her boyfriend of five months there's a good chance they be fucking. She's just subtle/secretive about it.

[Deleted]

Oct 18, 2014 8:39:24 GMT -5 @blaineharrison said:

These I'll answer with one explanation. I'm not about to cut off my nose to spite my face. While I appreciate that some characters would react with anger to what The Black Hand has done ... I'm trying to run Annie as a solid nine, pushing a ten on that scale. As well as being the ying to Laurel's yang, so Annie getting angry everytime a heel goes after her won't work for her. She's got to try and rise above it and develop a thicker skin than what people think she has. And I'm trying to keep that same personality that's made her a fan favourite throughout her short career as much as possible; not only because that's the philosophy she preaches.

And if/when she does snap, I want it to be special and I want it to be spectacular.

I like this idea, seems like it would lead to a great sadness in Annie sooner or later though. I feel like the person who can do what she's doing will end up strong but isolated. How will Laurel feel down the road when bad shit happens and Annie still refuses to get mad?

[Vinny]

Bumping this because I owe you feedback.

[Deleted]

***I'm going to preface this by saying I, generally, don't like males handling female characters. I can't think of a single situation where I've read a roleplay for a female character written by a male and thought the roleplay was executed well. There were always countless issues (from my perspective each) with the actual content. Whenever I write female characters myself, they are drawn from real life experiences with females because I don't feel comfortable writing females myself. I don't know if anything relevant to this is going to come out in what I say but I thought I'd put this here as a disclaimer, just in case.***

Feedback Notes
Rather than out-right calling out Colton, Ashley, Tony, etc. on their dirty tactics, you were artistic with it and kept a strong face perspective on the entire situation. As someone who has written heel pretty much 100% of my characters career, I can certainly appreciate when I feel like a face is actually acting like a face so props on that.

One thing I have noticed is a few tense shifts. You'll be talking about something in the past tense but will then go from "had" to "has" and such. Not a huge deal but something to look out for. Small stuff like that bugs me.

“Don’t cry…” Dom says, trying to sound sympathetic.

That line confused me a little. Considering the way the rest of the story played, this may seem like a stupid question but I think it warrants asking upon solely reading that sentence. Is he genuinely sympathetic or is he just putting it on? Does he really care or doesn't he? I think the wording could/should have been a little more clear on that point.

FRANK TURNER MENTION!! Awesome points for you.

The promo was, on the whole, well executed. The characters nature comes across very clearly and the small quirks are there that makes the whole thing stand out. It's a weird thing to say but I would have liked to have seen a bit more bite to the promo. I get that the character is all nice-y, nice but I feel like promos that are just you putting your opponent over are pretty detrimental to your chances of victory.

On the whole, the piece was good. I'm not sure quite how I felt about how you wrote the character. It was definitely different to any other male-handled female character that I've read before (mostly 20-somethings writing lesbian characters, trying to live out sexual fantasies. ugh). I do like the general concept of the character but I feel like something bothers me about the whole thing, I just can't quite pinpoint what. I'll read more in the future and try to get back to you on that...

Aside from that, I noticed maybe a handful of typos/grammatical errors but nothing too big. The exact same sort of mistakes I know I make myself to be honest.

Oh... and the stuff you asked in the chat-box. I'll answer each question directly.

"I want to know if I'm doing a decent and/or realistic job conveying her emotions. Whether or not it's adding depth to the character. If allowing the reader to see that Annie's life isn't rainbows and sparkles like she makes out is beneficial or detrimental to the character. Is the dialogue/interactions between Annie and Dom wooden and flat or does it flow?"

Definitely beneficial. The emotions in the story come across very vividly. It's well described and phrased and adds depth to a character that could be viewed by some as bland without added depth. The character interaction between Annie and Dom was my favourite part of the piece. He really does feel like a big brother in this piece (and I assume that was what you were going for).

"And when doing the promo sections is the camera a prop or a crutch on which I lean? Does her limited use of adjectives (awesome, amazing etc) make her seem authentic or does it get tiresome and should she learn some new words? Do the promos come off as a face?"

I'm used to doing promos as straight up shoots. No camera, no actions, just words. I like the camera personally. It makes the whole thing feel more like a performance piece and, with the character, I think that's the best way to do it. Some of the phrases are a little limiting. I like the constant use of "like" though. A lot of people don't realise how often they use that word, especially teenage girls. The promos are probably a little too face if I'm honest. Like I said before, I felt they lacked an added kick to them.

"Are the matches and opponents suitably built up and would a wrestling fan watching this video want to go see the match/show?"

I think this is a tough question to answer given the general climate of the sport. Some people would like the character, some wouldn't. It's the same with anything in life. Some people would see it, like it and go and some wouldn't.

~#~#~#~#~#~

I haven't given anyone feedback on anything for what feels like an age so sorry if I'm a little rusty. Hope that helps.