FEEDS THE RED!

[Deleted]

Hallow folks. Okay, I've had Raine in my stable of characters for a bit now, but truth be told I've never really had a decent run with her as a singles character. She's always had the rest of the Asylum stable to back her up in roleplays. At the very least Matt Kail. But now I'm breaking out, and I need to get a feel for how she works by herself. I know what I want her to be like, I just need to get good at it. So feedback would be appreciated, as this is essentially a new singles character and I am rusty as fuck.

I decided to use real life for inspiration for her first one, and played her off as being the underdog in the public eyes. So no I'm not actually mad about people voting for Karma, just figured it would be a cool little idea. So have at it, and anything you have to say will be appreciated:
fgawrestling.proboards.com/thread/2388/all-substance-raine-karma?page=1&scrollTo=7911

[Alexia Brandt]

A solid intro piece, I always enjoy seeing a character come in with backstory that they can succinctly describe; I might not no the details, but now if you reference the Asylum or GEW I've at least got somewhere to start from in understanding where you're coming from.

As for the predictions, I know that I've used them for a similar bit of inspiration; it's a good starting point when you don't have any real history with other characters and need something to get a character hot from the starting point.

Looking forward to seeing what's next!

[Stephen]

I felt this was a good intro roleplay. Playing the underdog is always a got start to show the determination of a character so I like that you chose to go that route. I also really like how Serena down played her own accomplishments and lack thereof. She is proud of what she has accomplished, however minuscule, but at the same time she knows she won't be recognized for it by anyone but her. She wants the recognition she feels she deserves from everyone, but she's sitting back, cool as fan just waiting patiently for the chance to prove her doubters wrong. I like this character, and can't wait to see where you go with her.

[Vinny]

Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you.
- Vinny

^^ This is my usual disclaimer. I got away from using it, but I like having that hanging over my feedback, because tone tends to get lost on the InterWebz, especially when critiquing something that someone put their hard effort into. Anyways...

The video opens, and we are greeted by the sight of Serena Raine. The Asylum member is sitting behind a computer desk, a mostly dark bedroom visible behind her. Her black and blue hair is pulled behind her head in a messy bun, and her eyes are locked on the camera, a blank expression on her face. She takes a moment, adjusts the camera and takes in a breath.

- This is a stylistic opinion: there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you've written here, but as a new reader how am I supposed to know what the "sight of Serena Raine" looks like? Yes we get it in the second sentence, so it's not like me - or the theoretical new reader - needs to wait long, but I think it's more powerful to have people thinking "who is this chick with the funky hair?" instead of "who is Serena Raine?" Psychologically speaking I think it's more effective. Again, just my opinion. And yes, this is what I mean by 'I can get nitpicky.'
- Love the description "messy bun."
- What is "The Asylum?" I mean, obviously it's a stable or group of some kind but without rehashing my first point completely, it takes me out of the immersion.
- Blank expression. Why blank? Serena is introducing herself to a new audience for the first time. Is the demeanor she wants that "new world" to see 'blank?'

RAINE: Since I signed with FGA a short while ago, I've been waiting very patiently to make my debut. I want my chance to show this company what I'm truly capable of. I want to let the fans, and the rest of the roster know that I mean business. Because at the moment, no one really has a whole lot to actually go on.

- Solid. It's a bit cliche-laden, but babyfaces/heroes in general are, by definition, cliched.

RAINE: This was the last time I made a meaningful appearance in a big wrestling company. Working for GEW at this point is actually the biggest accomplishment in my career. And regardless of the fact that I should actually be thankful for the chance to compete for an organization as big as the GEW was, I can't help but feel like the experience was flat.

- Excellent. That first sentence is killer. You've given us Serena's primary motivation in perfect succinctness without actually coming out and stating it. The rest builds on that without any hackneyed cliches. Just excellent.

RAINE: I was part of one of the most important groups the company ever witnessed. I actually led that groups first assault on the company. And I was one of the few members of that team who had been in the company before we debuted the faction. And yet I still feel like I never actually accomplished very much while I was there. No one will really look back at my time and say I was critical to anything. I never held a title, and I never won any important matches. I pissed off some people, but that's nothing to write home about.

Serena gives a shrug, it's clear that she regrets not making the 'impact' that she had wanted, but obviously it isn't the sort of regret that makes people lose their mind. She follows the shake with a nod.

- There's a little too much focus on The Asylum here (without stating the name, which is odd since you started off the RP with it). I would've started this with "I feel like I never..." because that's where the motivation is coming from. Starting with the talk about the Asylum deters the focus.
- I hate Serena's shrug at the end. I hate the whole descriptive paragraph, actually. If she's not disturbed by her lack of accomplishments in her past, if it isn't the kind of regret that "makes people lose their mind," then why is she here? What's the motivation?

Clearly she is beginning to get herself going.

- Pet peeve (a term I hate): Show don't tell. Let it become evident through your writing that she's finding her comfort in this promo and in what she's looking to accomplish.

- I like the Lions Cup talk. It puts the tournament over. It puts over the opportunity. Lines like "And maybe, I could actually start feeling like I was doing something with the training I've been given." show that underlying motivation that Serena has to prove herself. It's causing me to start asking good questions like 'who is she trying to prove herself to?' That's good stuff. That's character development.
- Good segue into the Karma talk.

Serena's head tips down and her expression takes on a darkly serious vibe.

RAINE: And the thing about this upcoming match, is that I'm not being given a chance in hell to win.

Serena laughs slightly and chases a stray hair away from her face. Her teeth grind together visibly, and her nostrils flair.

- This is all confused, especially considering the 'blank' start to the RP. Why does Serena go from "darkly serious" to laughing to her teeth grinding in the span of about 2 seconds real-time? If she's serious and upset about her not getting a chance to win, she wouldn't laugh it off. If she's trying to be cool, she wouldn't be giving dark vibes and grinding teeth.

Raine's lip curls and an angry smirk curls its way on to her mouth.

- What's an angry smirk? I seriously just spent a minute trying to make my face do one. You can't convey anger through a smirk. Condescension? Absolutely. Bravado? Yup. Self-importance? You betcha. Anger? I'm not seeing it.

RAINE: See, normally I could stand being down on a betting pool. Whatever, if people want to blow their money watching some full of themselves hype machine get tapped out, that's absolutely fine. It just teaches them that you really, really should not bet against Serena Raine. And from that point on, they'll actually pay attention, and take me seriously. No skin off my teeth.

She raises a finger and raises her gaze back to a normal level.

RAINE: This time though, I'm... Agitated at the concept. See, the concept of being overlooked for a guy like Johnny Karma is insulting on its best day. Karma is good. I'll never deny a guy that. But no amount of substance can make up for the amount of absolutely bullshit amount of smoke this guy blows.

- Another peeve. I had to double-check the roster to see if Serena was a face or a heel. There shouldn't be a question as to who the face is and who the heel is, and at this point I'm questioning. Serena should be focusing on the chips (quite literally) being against her. She's going against an established name. A guy that's clearly confident. She should KEEP the focus she had earlier on PROVING herself and not on the "amount of bullshit smoke." Which coincidentally is a line I would've liked a lot, if it came from a heel.

RAINE: Karma, I don't have a fancy television show with a set or even my own damn website. All I have is this piece of shit webcam, a piece of shit laptop and wherever the hell I can get a wifi connection to upload the videos to a site that Spades and BlakJak pay for. On top of that, I sure as heel don't have as many mundane and absolutely meaningless nicknames as you. I don't have someone sounding my damn horn for me wherever I go, and I let the company ring announcer call my name. I don't need to feel like I'm special. I don't need to run my mouth like a damn waterfall to believe in myself. The only thing I need to do to make myself feel good, is to leave myself in that ring.

- Here's where you're really starting to lose me. Serena has gone from plucky underdog, to pity-party. And the only problem is tone. All of this dialog? It all works, or at least it would if I didn't imagine Serena basically spitting it out. If the tone was more self-deprecating, this would be great. It's a great face tactic to undersell themselves, and to put over what advantages a heel has, but that's not what this is. This is spite. This is jealousy. This is heel-talk.

RAINE: I know, that sounds just about as cliché as you can get. But that statement is something every wrestler should make. None of us should have a fucking television show to toot our damn horn. We should just show up every damn night, and use the skills and talents we were given to put on the best damn performance we can.

- Now we're getting back towards face territory but it's still too preachy.

RAINE: I know that there is something behind all that flash Johnny. I know that no matter how much you build yourself up and make me want to smash your face, you do have some form of talent. But I want you to know that this match is not a foregone conclusion. You are still very much in danger of losing, more than you or anyone creating the betting lines know. Because Johnny... I am going to show up to Hartford on a mission. With one simple directive. Make Johnny fucking Karma tap the fuck out and progress past the qualifiers and in to the FGA Lions Cup. And I will succeed at that mission. Because unlike him, I'm all substance. And that's all I will ever need.

- Where was this?! This is strong, self-confident face-talk. This is what the promo should've been more of: Put Karma over and sell the shit out of your desire to win.

Final Points
- Despite all my comments above this isn't a bad RP. It's just missing focus. This could easily be a product of being rusty or it could be a product of focusing on a character you haven't had the chance to develop as much. There is a TON of solid foundation here to build on. Even teasing at the influence of the "Old Serena," the heel-side lurking underneath. Maybe Serena tries to cheat to win a match, but thinks better of it? And there's always the underdog route. She's a veteran, but she still hasn't proven herself yet. A new promotion, a new start.
- The descriptions you use to break up the dialog: there's too many of them and they don't make sense. It makes it seem like Serena is having facial and body spasms through the whole promo. As I mentioned above, they should have a singular focus and should jump from happy to angry to sad to condescending in rapid fire like a bad portrait of a schizophrenic.
- Focus is another thing I'd... err... focus on. Find out what Serena wants to say and stay on that. Don't segregate "this is my introduction to FGA," "these are my thoughts on Lions Cup," and "these are my thoughts on Karma." It should all flow fluidly from one topic to another, and hell even back if you want to.
- Proofread. There's a bunch of grammatical errors. Terr is much less of a stickler for this than me (I think everyone is). Not proofreading is one of my biggest problems, too.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the thoughts folks. Vinny, you're the man. That's exactly the sort of stuff I needed to hear.

[Vinny]