Cash 'Proud Champion' Roleplay

[J.T.Cash]

Hi All;

Just wondering if i could get some feedback on my recent roleplays, specifically the 'Proud Champion' roleplay. Still trying to find my feet as a face and have taken advice to cut out the rich boy routine.

Cheers
Mev

[Stephen]

I really get the "Pride" feel from this one, especially with the legacy of the gym serving as the setting/tone setter. I can tell you're still trying to transition to a face because there were lines that really borderline heel for me. This right here especially:

I know you’re training day and night because you believe you can beat me, you believe you have what it takes, you believe that if you hit Crash Magnitude on J.T.Cash then you will take the title that means so much to me… you know what Wayne keep believing, keep believing in yourself, keep believing all of those things but don’t for one second think that J.T.Cash is going to just cave in, don’t think for one single solitary second that your belief is going to intimidate me, oh no… believe this, believe that J.T.Cash is the champion, believe that J.T.Cash is going to stay champion, believe that it one single moment I can hit you with the Generation Gap or dive off the top rope with a Cash Vault and your title challenge will be over quicker than you can say “Mr Unconventional just fell in line”.

The determination/confidence was face, but it came across a little heelish to me in the end. I tried reading it again to see if I misread it, but I still fell it to be heelish, if not borderline. Personally I feel a rich boy routine could have worked out as a face considering your in a transitional process. A man who once took his wealth for granted and used it for selfish means to make himself larger than life, now humbled and willing to help his fellow man not only in FGA, but in life as well. With that feeling of doing right by others comes a different level of confidence that comes across as just that, confidence instead of arrogance. It makes the character more believable as a face as well.

Also, there's a typo in the same paragraph where you called the FGA Pride Championship the XHW Pride Championship. Don't feel bad though, I misspelled "Tompkins" in my first roleplay throughout the entire damn thing lol.

Good luck man.

[Vinny]

Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you.
- Vinny

You probably don't need that, Mev, but I like to be consistent.

First off, Kevin Hardaway… dude I know you fought for the FGA against The Murder at All Star Showdown, I know you gave everything you had, I know that the people loved you for it and believe me my friend I respect what you do in that ring, but… that said… you ever think about getting involved in one of my matches again and I will make you wish you hadn’t. I didn’t ask you to get involved, I didn’t ask you to nail Chandler Scott and I damn sure never wanted your help… Like I said, I respect you but I want you and everyone else in this business to know that I am not cool with what you did, even if Chandler Scott is the biggest douchebag in the Tri State.

- This is good stuff. Face-on-face beef requires a lot of eggshell walking. It puts over K-Hard and it gets over Cash saying he doesn't need help. And it has a perfectly face-safe insult for Chandler Scott.

Cash shrugs his shoulders

- I'm going to start no-selling the shit out of everyone's shrugs. Everyone is shrugging too damn much. These characters are supposed to give a shit about what they're saying.

You see this… this isn’t just a title, this isn’t just a strap that holds up my pants… this is everything that I stand for, and this is everything that I go to the ring for.

- A+++. Triple-plus.
- In fact the whole following paragraph is just aces face-talk. Just aces all around.

ou know I came from a place where I had won gold, hell I won gold in the NWA in one of the biggest arena’s in America, I have wrestled on bigger stages, I have won in front of bigger crowds and I have earned more money in one night with some companies than I will in the FGA in a year… but you know what, this title means more than any of that.

- This might be your finest RP ever. This paragraph is aces, too.
- You're selling the shit out of Cash's "transformation" and the underlying theme that being a good guy and doing things the right way can pay off. Great stuff.

And I suppose that’s what you’re getting ready to give me isn’t it Wayne Carruthers. That’s right isn’t it wild thing, I know your sitting at home getting yourself mentally ready for the chance to become XHW Pride Champion,

- OOPS.
- Your grammar also took a turn for the terrible here.
- There's a lot of good in this paragraph but it becomes discombobulated.
- Ditto to the next paragraph. Good job putting over Wayne without under-selling Cash's confidence, which is legion.

J.T.Cash is everything you will never…ever be!

- I really hate this as a catch-phrase for a face.

Final Thoughts
- This is some of your best work. The content is awesome. Great work.
- Please, God, proofread. Endless ellipses, periods where there should be commas, your's instead of you're's... UGH! You're killing me. Go see a nun and get your knuckles whacked with a ruler.
- Fantastic stuff, like I said. It's be all the much better if I didn't have to keep stopping to figure out if I got the context right because the punctuation was off.

[J.T.Cash]

Haha thanks very much for the feedback, my punctuation has never been the best and i tend to not proof read enough so will try to work on that going forward. Really trying to think of better things to do when not talking as a heel it was a piece of cake but as a face still finding out where is best. But getting there.

Vinny you're (;-)) feedback is not only perfectly valid and something i value, but it's freaking hilarious. And i will be honest, the 'go home line' is only now used because it has been for a very long time, and i agree, i want to find something that is more akin to what i want the 'new' J.T.Cash character to be about.

Stephen, thanks mate. Being a face for the first time really is not as easy as i first thought, i wanted to drop the money man thing because i just felt that it was too easy for me to stray in to heel territory at the drop of a hat, whilst i agree totally that there are parts that are heelish i think at least this way i can start to stay away from the heel side of Cash more and more. Though who knows, going for the Pride of FGA.

I've put up a second roleplay if anyone cares to read, still work in progress being the face and trying to sell a face as a face is fucking hard.

[Stephen]

The first half of the roleplay is exactly what I was talking about utilizing the rich boy gimmick for a face. It was subtle, but well done.

I heard you told everyone that J.T.Cash didn’t have that much to lose, that if you beat me my career continues on as if nothing ever happened, that if you win your career lifts off and mine won’t be affected, let me burst that myth right now my friend. You may have your questions over why J.T.Cash came back, why J.T.Cash went from the NWA stage to the FGA stage… let me answer those for you so that you can’t have any doubts about who you are going in to the ring with, then maybe… just maybe you will have an idea of just how much I want… no how much I need this. It’s true I’ve had a career before FGA, I had a career that I was lucky to have, I’ve performed on the biggest stages of them all, I’ve fought in front of thousands, I’ve fought for titles in some of the biggest promotions in this game and hell I’ve won some of them too… but throughout all that time I was living a lie, I was being who I thought I was meant to be, I was a brash, cocky, money driving, egotistical asshole… I burned the candle at both ends and self-destructed. To this sport I have lost my cousin, I have lost one of my best friends and I have lost the first woman I truly loved and throughout that time I acted like none of it mattered… I came back to put things right, I came back to this sport because it was the sport I loved, professional wrestling has been my life for as long as I can remember. And why FGA…? I don’t need lights, I don’t need my name in the stars, I don’t want money, I don’t want fame I want to be the best… I came to FGA because when I went to an event I heard the fans, fans that chose not to watch the big boys but chose to come to a small broken down hall because that was their passion… I chose FGA because of men like Chris Bond, because of men like Chris Q, The Murder, Chandler Scott.. The list goes on and on, you put these names on the big stage and they steal the show night after night… you put these names on an FGA card and they change the fans lives. I love this company, I love this sport and being the Pride Champion is as important to me as any title I have ever held…. You think for one second that if you beat me it will be like water off a ducks back, nah eh not a chance, if you beat me you had better realise I will be coming back at you harder, faster and stronger than ever before. This is my life, this title represents everything I love about this sport and I will be damned if I am going to let this go without a hell of a fight… and as for you, your chances…

This paragraph = gold for what you're trying to do with the transition to face. No confusion about whether or not you were face or heel in this one. Only problem was the singular grammatical use of an elipses with the question mark. The question mark by itself would have sufficed. Writing out that he took a pause of some sort would have accomplished what you were trying to do just as effectively.

This showed great improvement in what you're trying to do so keep it up.