Alexia Brandt Feedback

[Alexia Brandt]

I generally try to avoid these, mainly because I'm a perfectionist and don't take criticism well, but I feel like I've hit a plateau with Alexia and would like to kick my writing up a couple notches (Bam!).

Don't pull any punches on this; I'm not good with criticism but this strikes me as good a place as any to get used to it, so whatever your thoughts, be it on format, concept or just general langauage, the only thing you can do is help me improve!

[Alexia Brandt]

Okay, with Stick the Landing I thought I'd try for something a little more narrative based, exploring Alexia's backstory a little which down the road should introduce some extra characters to play around with and give me someone for Alexia to play off besides random strangers. Sadly I think the narrative got most of my creative focus and the promo lost some of its oomph.

That being said, any thoughts? Suggestions? Observations? Like I said if you have some constructive criticism lay it on me, I can only get better if I know what I'm doing wrong.

[The Rogue]

I think you called it. Loved the narrative. A really good bit of CD giving insight to what inspired her to inevitably become a high flyer. While the shoot did lose out on some of your creative wit that you often bring to the table, I still think you made your point and did it justice. You do face well, Rob. Kudos.

[Alexia Brandt]

Thanks! This is actually the first time I've played a full-fledged babyface so it's nice to see that it's coming across.

[Alexia Brandt]

Stick the Landing Part 2 went a lot better than I expected while writing it; sadly most of my gymnastics knowledge comes from Wikipedia and crummy early 2000 movies so I'm quite sure I got about a million details wrong but I like how the narrative progressed. For some reason I've had "Still Alive" by Lisa Miskovsky on repeat so I suspect it had some influence on the themes I played with.

As for Chains that Bind, I learned from my mistake last time and wrote it first; I see this match really being the place for Johnny Blayze to have his "coming out party" with his new persona and I really wanted to put the emphasis on him, as well as play up Alexia's obsession. Interestingly enough I wanted to bring back the feminist aspect of Alexia's gimmick and it segued nicely into talking about Blayze (at least in writing it, I don't know how it'll come off to readers), a pleasant discovery as I was worried when I started it that it was going to sound forced.

Now, all that said, what are YOUR thoughts?

[shaunsindelman]

I skimmed the CD only for the fact I'm not a gymnastics fan. =) But I think you hit on everything quite nicely in the shoot portion. And the buildup of what Blayze is now couldn't have been laid out any better. This truly will be a sweet match to read.

[Jerry]

Two things I'm not sure I can pull off.

1) Being a face - not a tweener but a true face.
2) Handling a female character.

You do both amazingly well. The cd was truly good work with the limited knowledge of that sport. I'm clueless to it as well but it seemed real to me.

Great shoot stuff - you can really feel the heat from her. The feminism comments were spot on (history major) - good research. Great overall flow an superb writing.

Looking forward to this match, you guys have a great feud going on right now.

[Vinny]

By request. So I went back and read "Stick the Landing" Parts 1 and 2.

Part 1
- The opening story is well-constructed. I thought at first, "Okay where is this going..." and I got to the end and smirked. It's a cute story, and it's solid character development. As someone who doesn't do character development segments anymore, I appreciate this one. It is one of the rare instances where I think this is better as a stand alone story, than as one told by the character herself. Really good stuff.

- I neither enjoy nor hate the narrator having his/her own voice. I'm not sure it's adding anything to this particular RP though.

- I like how the focus on this RP is on Blayze. Too often people feel the need to run through their opponents for a big match like they're checking off a list. You did do this with your teammates and it was fine, if a little bland.

- The Blayze stuff is good. It's solid, self-assured face work. There's nothing wrong with it but I'm not lit on fire by it. I'm racking my brain to figure out what's wrong, but I can't think of anything. I'm just not invested. If this is my first exposure to Alexia, I'm just kind of "Okay. Cool."

- A couple of typos and mistakes; "closer promo," etc.

Part 2
- Another strong opening. I'm also glad it didn't end with Alexia winning the gold or title or whatever the heck it is you win in gymnastics. It's a good story about perseverance. It's good face stuff.

- I decidedly don't like the narrator here. His/her comic relief is detracting from the tone Alexia is trying to establish.

- Personally for me three consecutive paragraphs of feministing is a bit too much. Probably because I live with a feminist (I mean, I am a feminist myself, but more of a silent supporter) and hear about street harassment and slut shaming every damn day. By the end of the third graph, I'm wondering where this is headed. I'm willing to hang along, only because this is an interesting departure from Part 1 (and I learn where the "Third Wave" nickname came from).

It appears that Alexia's reminiscing isn't enough to remind the audience at home, as a short clip of the Fireball incident plays over her words, freezing on Johnny Blayze's grinning face as he walks past trainers running to Alexia's aid.

- The problem here, is that Alexia's description IS enough. This seems overwrought. I'm liking where this is headed, though.

- The psychological analysis of Blayze is interesting, heady stuff. But I can't help but wonder about the implications to the invisible fans getting a sociological breakdown of their beloved pro wrestling. It's an interesting choice.

- I am really enjoying this shoot. It's great stuff. But you keep breaking out of it to show highlight packages. Please don't ever do this again. Seriously. Your character's descriptions are fine and sufficient. If this were a real promo, I'd be overly distracted by the unnecessary production value. Let Alexia's words carry the promo. There is more than enough there to do it.

- I loved every bit of the promo up until this part:

The cold glare suddenly lights up with a disturbing glint of sadistic glee, as the thought of hurting Blayze brings a warm glow to Alexia’s heart.

- I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, it shows that Alexia's been pushed to far, and that's good. And I can explain it away in my head as prosthelytizing - to steal your word - but there's something about a babyface with a "glint of sadistic glee" (great alliteration) that turns me off.

Final Thoughts
- Part 2 was much better than Part 1. I liked the opening of Part 1 better, but the shoot in 2 was leaps and bounds (pun intended) above part 1. There was passion, there was purpose and it flowed nicely. Part 1, by comparison, felt like Alexia was going through the motions.

- The opening to Part 2; I get that the idea is perseverance, but I would've liked to see that tie into the second half of the RP more. You lose the analogy of think the gymnastic event when you introduce a second analogy in "the chain." I think the chain is more appropriate given the match type, but I was hoping for more of a time in to give that opening story purpose.

- I'm interested to read your next RP now. I'm not yet sure where I stand on this character. Your writing is excellent. Those opening vignettes are very well written. They have a lightness to them that doesn't give them too much gravitas, allowing them to be a distraction from the shoot. I'd be interested to see you write in a less segregated form. I'd like to see the structure and focus of those vignettes carried over into the shoots. It was there in Part 2, but like I said Part 1 just felt... bland.

EDIT: Didn't want to end on a low note, so to reiterate: your writing is excellent.

[Alexia Brandt]

Thanks! And don't worry about criticizing part 1's shoot; as I said at the time of writing I wrote it immediately after the CD, and it suffered immensely for it. I really WAS going through the motions, and if I had spaced out the two segments I would have fleshed out the concepts I touched on a lot more, which I think would have fed the shoot's energy.

As for the CD's, the first one especially shouldn't have been part of the promo at all; it was me getting out of my comfort zone on doing backstory pieces and I felt it should be part of the promo instead of a separate piece. In retrospect, a bad idea. Fortunately I only have one more part in Stick the Landing, which really was designed to establish Alexia's backstory a little as opposed to feed into the shoot themselves.

Seriously, thanks for the feedback everyone; it's really given me a sense of where I need to step up as well as my strengths, and hopefully my next RP will benefit from what I now know.

[Alexia Brandt]

A Young Ladies Primer for Defiance Part 1: Opened

Okay, so this little piece had two purposes, firstly to get the CD out; it had originally been intended for All-Star Showdown's post-show CD thread but computer issues, laziness and poor timing on my part led to it never getting written. Looking back on it now I'm glad it wasn't, as initially the piece was just meant to be one of those catharsis pieces of Alexia having an emotional breakdown after nearly falling into Blayze's hands. This version I think added some layers, plus let me play with some of Alexia's supporting cast a little, if only in reference.

Secondly I wanted to establish the whole "Team Lion" thing in an FGA promo; it's tough having a storyline play out in two different locations, so I figured I'd at least give a rough explanation for Alexia's philosophy that had been talked about already in my last FRONTIER RP (which is available for reading in the CD section, wink wink.)

For those who were curious, Stick the Landing isn't coming back; tne third part will come into play at some point but I've come to the realization that it's probably a standalone piece without any real payoff in terms of connecting to a promo. That being said there are a couple situations where it may work, so we'll see what happens.

Just a note about the RP title: I'm treating the Lion's Cup as a dry run of a "concept album" series of RPs I intend to use in the KoTC tournament. Music's always been a big help for me in writing and so I thought I'd try writing a series of RPs (probably focused on the CD, but who knows?) with each one being based on a single song from one of my favourite albums, Assemblage 23's Defiance. We'll see how it plays out.

So, now that I've given the liner notes, any thoughts? Comments? Suggestions?