Dom Harter Feedback

[Deleted]

So, I just started,
And this is crazy,
But I've done three roleplays,
So feed me, maybe.

Prelude

S01E01

S01E02

Oh, I started proofreading more thoroughly by the third one.

[thelion]

You know, for a long time, I was told the Novel writing style was a big no no in E-Wrestling. I sort of adapted to more of a modified "Script-style" writing myself. I've only seen a few do that and actually make it, mostly due to judgmental ass-hat fedheads, but you go one step further with a first person perspective that's focused almost entirely on character.

Good stuff man. I liked the old man Analogy, it's just shame that Leon's a freak in both the genetics and the training department. Dom's clearly underestimating Leon, because he's actually stronger and quicker than he was at his prime age, and that's only because he learned advanced workout techniques from various wrestlers he's tangled with.

Still, I dig the visual imagery and I'm looking forward to what you do next, Ben.

[Deleted]

Jan 9, 2013 19:16:13 GMT -5 @thelion said:

You know, for a long time, I was told the Novel writing style was a big no no in E-Wrestling. I sort of adapted to more of a modified "Script-style" writing myself. I've only seen a few do that and actually make it, mostly due to judgmental ass-hat fedheads, but you go one step further with a first person perspective that's focused almost entirely on character.

Bad writing is the only unacceptable form of writing in e-fedding.

[thelion]

I liked it man. It's all good.

[Vinny]

Jan 10, 2013 18:29:08 GMT -5 @blaineharrison said:

Bad writing is the only unacceptable form of writing

Fixed that for ya.

I really have been enjoying the Harter character so far. I'm interested to see how you're going to bridge the gap from repentant prodigal son to sidekick to a lunatic. The side-story with Elsie, if I know you and I do, is also going to be really intriguing.

I love the way you write sympathetic heels. There's always just enough hope that they'll do the right thing before they inevitably don't. Good stuff as always, Ben.

PS. This is the placeholder for the obligatory "please use moar colors" comment.

- V

[Vinny]

Just caught up on all my Dom Harter reading. My suspicions were confirmed: Ben is the best writer in this game. Period.

[Deleted]

Feb 8, 2013 22:59:53 GMT -5 Vinny said:

Just caught up on all my Dom Harter reading. My suspicions were confirmed: Ben is the best writer in this game. Period.

Aww shucks ;D

[Bondo]

You Benny, are one hella talented piece of monkeydong, you know that?

Your writing is some of the best I've seen.

Of course, I've had the privilege to sit through many a character, and Dom Harter is just a wee bit different from the rest.

Maybe it's the cockiness, maybe it's the affiliation with Drake, maybe it's the way you write him, I don't know, but he has the natural doucheyness now that he just didn't have when you first gave birth to him many, many months ago in Simcoe.

You're doing it right, Harter is a heel and he comes off that way.

One of the only negatives I see in your writing is that you don't really differentiate anything visually. I wish you'd use color. Even if you only used color for Dom himself, that would make things just a scotch bit easier to read. You did some of this with your second RP this week, and it was kinda nice to see you incorporate the tiny little snippet from Twitter in a very humorous way.

Your shoots are still stuff of legends, and it's really no wonder as to why you are where you are at, because you are the cream of the crop.

On a side note, the story-arc you have between is Malcolm and Harter is awesome. I'm glad you'll be able to get that idea of a character shifting to fit whatever it is his "idol" at the time wants him to be. I wish we would have had more of a chance to do that with Valiant and Hanson, but I've no doubt that you and Vinny will take it to shades that I could only dream of.

I'm seriously a fan, Ben. I don't have any real qualms with anything you put up. You have your story. You have your shoots. Your promos are always killer, and something I always read. You the shit, boiiiii!

Seriously Ben, you've got no where to go but up, and your ass is already at the pinnacle, mofuxa!

[thelion]

Good stuff man. You're making me want to start approaching promos in proper format, rather than the half-way between script and novel. The only problem would be color coding dialogue so everybody could spot the words a bit easier. Either way, I like it.

[Deleted]

Bump. I feel I've moved away from what I'm more comfortable with (flashbacks and the past) and am trying to write about the here and now.

Any feedback is welcome, please

[Stephen]

I think you maybe underestimating the radius of your comfort zone my friend. This was an excellent roleplay. I love the story you have going on with Dom, Heather, and Riley. When I read the clip from Disclosure, I almost bought into the sympathy for Dom... Ok, I do have sympathy for the guy, but that's a testament to your talents as a writer lol. Seriously, you have me feeling sorry for a guy who I'm pretty sure is about "pour his heart out" to another woman right after a few drinks and watching Dexter. Play on playa lol. Also, I like how you still show Dom's likeness to Drake even in his actions. The rubbing of the stubble? Nice touch. I have nothing bad to say about this one.

[Vinny]

Foregoing Disclaimer out of laziness...

- Absolutely loving the Malcomization of Harter's character. As things in his life fall apart more and more, he gravitates more and more towards Drake, adopting his mannerisms. It's brilliant and it's subtle. Awesome.

- I love, love, love Harter's double internal monologue. We get the usual scene-setting first person voice, but also the italicized self-doubting voice. It's like a sad Deadpool.

- The shoot is great, as always. Again, Harter is starting to talk more and more like Drake, without adopting his inflections. And he spends a lot of time putting Drake over, really solidifying Harter's need for a guiding voice.

- You do a fantastic job of layering Harter's emotions. On the top he's confident and brooding, all bravado and panache. Then just below that there's the lingering self-doubt, the self-defeatism and the heartache. The fear that he can't seem to do anything right. And then down at his core, Harter is the archetypical Gen-Yer. He's done everything he was "supposed" to do, even in the context of breaking the rules, and he's still unsatisfied and in desperate want of guidance. He refuses to take responsibility or to take real, life-changing action. Brilliant stuff.

Women are evil for the most part, so it's really not good to cheat on them, at all. Ever. Because the one you cheated with is going to look for something afterward. The one you cheated on is going to be looking for your ball sack to decorate their rear view mirror.something afterward. The one you cheated on is going to be looking for your ball sack to decorate their rear view mirror.

- Either you or Georgie needs to type better.

- Having the "outside voice" from Georgie just further illustrates Dom's need for a guiding figure. He either can't or won't manage his own life. When you tie that back into how reliant he is on his parents for financial stability it's so perfectly constructed.

- You do a great job of making Harter a real anti-hero, or I guess more accurately an anti-villain. He's such a detestable, self-involved scumbag but it stems from their underlying desire to be loved and accepted. His better qualities sneak through just enough so that you have hope there's something redeemable about him. His real fight is not in the ring, but it's his inert goodness vs. Drake.

Great, great stuff as always.

[Deleted]

I'll take the blame for the typing lol

And thank you both for the feedback, I am trying to play him as the sympathetic heel, but I have to admit some of the Malcolmisms and Gen-Yer traits aren't exactly on purpose. By its nice to know they're there lol

[Chris Q]

What I like about the Ben Hanson character most of all is that he is 100% believable. The way he talks and carries himself sounds completely realistic and he doesn’t come off as cheesy or generic like most face characters.

I thought the interview format for this RP was okay. It was interesting that you didn't really include a scene in this piece, which is generally the strongest portion of your RPs in my opinion. The Masked Man thing was confusing and took me out of things a little bit. Maybe there is some significance to “The Masked Man” that I am missing, but it seemed sort of strange for this piece.

The writing quality is very strong, like always. The only negative I’ll point out about the content is that a lot of this piece seems to just recap history and doesn’t really push a lot of new ideas or thoughts about this rivalry. You talk about what Ben has been up to, some Revival stuff, some FRONTIER stuff, the joint show, and recap your last encounter with Chandler and the events leading up to this match. It isn’t until near the very end until we get Ben’s thoughts going into this match and what could happen going forward. It’s not that you shouldn’t touch on subjects from the past, but I’d just prefer to read a little more of a balance between recapping past events and talking about Ben's going to do going forward. You might completely disagree with me on this, but these are just my thoughts.

But again, very well written. I believe I already told you long ago how big a fan I am of this character.

[Vinny]

"The Masked Man" is David Shoemaker. He writes some excellent pieces for Grantland.

www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/tag/_/name/the-masked-man

Ben, I'm deducting points for not having TMM's usual footnotes. I'm with Nick on the format; it was definitely something different (and I marked when I saw "The Masked Man"), but overall it was just kind of meh. I'm left feeling like there should be more there. I don't sense enough emotion from the character that makes me feel this match is important - "Yeah, they're doing a show near where I live, so I figured why not show up?" is what comes across as Hanson's motivation.

There's nothing particularly wrong with it, but you're you so I'm left wanting more.