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Post by thelion on Jan 9, 2013 0:41:32 GMT -5
You know what? I think I'll rip off Vinny and just make a straight up feedback thread for all my material. I just posted up a new one- You think you know me... but I know youWhatcha' think? This was partly inspired by what Vinny wrote with Malcom Drake. |
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Jan 9, 2013 1:39:44 GMT -5
I can't take credit for the feedback thread; a few other folks had them before me.
I'll try to remember to feedback this tomorrow if I get a break at work.
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Post by thelion on Jan 9, 2013 8:32:54 GMT -5
Take your time man. I think your RP just gave me the push I needed to make that last piece something far better than it was going to be. As I said, you write awesome shit, Vinny.
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Post by sgakrista on Jan 9, 2013 8:55:31 GMT -5
Well, as I said in Vinny's feedback - excellent work, to both of you! If I make it past Bob Pooler, I think the only way I'd win is if y'all no show. Please don't, if you can avoid it, I don't like winning like that.
On to the actual feedback:
Frakkin' brilliant! This is one of the best lines in an RP I've seen in a while!
Leon, you definitely did a great job with this RP. In your first RP, Leon almost comes across as a dark face....in this one, not so much. Pretty much sent him into heel territory, but not cartoony 80s heel. Which I think is truer to character, from what little I know of Leon's past. Shooting on Drake is great for character development, and another good line was about being swayed by Malcolm's promo that he can beat Mangold.
You continue to add the character gestures and little touches that really make a great RP in my mind, and there are too many to list at the moment. It's clear that the UWL fiasco sticks in Leon's craw, but he isn't going to let it distract him from the task at hand: "Taking apart the competition, piece by piece", to paraphrase your own words.
I think on my last review, I commented that keeping the actions and monologue of the character can be difficult using only one color, and maybe you tried for the beige/gold again, and my computer just can't cut it, or my eyes, but it's kind of moot, because you did a great job in separating them. It's a minor technical aspect of writing, but it's one I'm a bit picky about.
I'm not sure what else to say, except excellent job, and again, I'll have to step up my writing several levels if I want to advance in this tourney past the B-o-B...but your match AND Malcom's should both be very exciting! Can't wait!
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Post by thelion on Jan 9, 2013 19:04:31 GMT -5
Well, honestly, I don't see Leon as a face or a heel. I see him as a man with a unique view on things. He's never fit an exacting mold. When he was a heel, he had a code of ethics of sort, though twisted it may have been. When he turned face, the code still applied and he's never been one to mince words or sugar coat things. Thanks for the kind words though. You can thank Vinny for bringing that out of me because when I read his RP, I was like "Holy shit, gotta' write something... now..." LoL.
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Post by thelion on Jan 13, 2013 4:42:10 GMT -5
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Post by thelion on Jan 22, 2013 19:19:21 GMT -5
Here's the latest one. Violence, Redemption, & PrideI know everybody loved those last two pieces, with all the people that clamored to give me feedback and all. LoL J/K. I'm good, just whenever you guys and gals think about it, hit me up. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2013 20:48:44 GMT -5
Violence,Redemption and Pride, read like a true indy promo.. I felt like that could have aired on ROH TV.. My one gripe about this is, I thought we were supposed to keep kayfabe and not mention words like booking and such? Other then that, I loved it.
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Post by thelion on Jan 22, 2013 20:51:00 GMT -5
Depends on how you use the word. He referred to booking as in match making, not anything else.
Otherwise, thanks man, I appreciate the kind words.
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