Feed back on Corella's "Hail to the King" RP

[thelion]

Lemme' have it! Good, bad, and/or ugly.

[sgakrista]

Leon -

A review from a girl who's been out of the game for a little while, and is trying to get back in it.

The Good - Great details, especially with location and descriptions. I'm a sucker for those kinds of things, and try to incorporate the surrounding area of the next match myself, so I appreciate the little touches like that. Along with details of the location, the little gestures Leon makes during his monologue are great. Nothing huge and over-the-top, which would seem out of character for a smooth, classy guy like Leon, just little things to let us know what he thinks of his opponent. For example:

[Leon tilts his head back a bit, as if looking down his nose right at Dominic Harter.]

It's small, but it's perfectly placed and written. These little gestures make a huge difference in my mind.

I get the impression that Leon is a charming guy when he wants to be, and thinks of himself as classy (Armani suit? Gold tie? Sweet), but has no problems being direct when it suits his purpose, consequences be damned. If this is how you want to portrary him, you've done a very good job.

The Bad - It's nitpicky, and more of a personal preference, but keeping an RP all in one color makes it a little harder to read, and can make the change between actions and words difficult to see. You fixed the second part by maintaining line seperation, enclosing Leon's actions in square brackets, and using italics for the talking, but a little color can make the RP a little more interesting and easier on the eyes. Again though, that's more of a personal preference. It doesn't detract from the RP in any major way.

The Ugly Gold silk tie and a beige shirt? Not enough contrast! Just kidding. Seriously, there is nothing that stands out as particularly horrific in your RP. It's really quite good, doesn't ramble on and on, and gives us an idea of who Leon is, while shooting Dom Harter. Excellent work, I say!

[thelion]

Thank ye' Kindly. You have a firm grasp of the character and I appreciate the input. I did put some color in the words, but I think the color I picked was too subtle. Went for a beige because it was the closest I could get to a light gold color. I didn't want it to be too bold, but I didn't want it to be blaring either.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback. Oh and the gold tie with the dark beige shirt is a subtle contrast. It's something I'm seeing more and more in alot of high end suits these days. The tie is used more like a highlight.

[Vinny]

Jan 2, 2013 20:41:38 GMT -5 @thelion said:

Oh and the gold tie with the dark beige shirt is a subtle contrast. It's something I'm seeing more and more in alot of high end suits these days. The tie is used more like a highlight.

I've rocked that look with a brown suit.

[thelion]

I can't afford to rock that look, LoL.

[Deleted]

Jan 2, 2013 21:16:33 GMT -5 @thelion said:

I can't afford to rock that look, LoL.

Haha, I'm in the same boat. I'll try to get to this, but no guarantees. My days off will appear to be spent ill, but I've seen your past stuff, and it's fun to read.

[sgakrista]

I know next to nothing about women's fashion, and even less about men's. =) I'm sure it does work, I was just messing around. Semi-fortunately, my work uniform is pretty basic. All black.

[Vinny]

Mentally insert my usual disclaimer here; I'm too lazy to copy and paste it.

I'll do this in quick hits:

- Brief. To the point. I always prefer that to a longer RP.

- Good building of the Pure tourney. Makes it seem important. Good tie in with the location.

- I did think there wasn't enough interaction with the setting, by which I mean the RP wouldn't have lost much (if anything) if it were cut in front of a brick wall or an FGA banner. Normally this isn't even a critique I would make but you burned a few calories painting a pretty picture of Leon's surroundings and then didn't really do anything more than mention them in passing.

- I'll return the favor on this critique: too much movement between dialog. Just kidding. I thought it was well-balanced. I personally do and prefer a little less, but this was in no way distracting and often useful.

- Personal style preference: I don't like the underscores being used to denote emphasis. No real further comment, I just personally find them distracting. Like tinsel.

- Really solid match discussion. Well-woven. Though I am wondering where you got the "King" of the Bastards line from; normally it wouldn't make too much difference but it was central to your RP (even the title), and I don't think Dom Harter has ever been called that.

- Overall, very solid.

Peace,
- V

[Deleted]

Jan 3, 2013 16:50:21 GMT -5 Vinny said:

- Really solid match discussion. Well-woven. Though I am wondering where you got the "King" of the Bastards line from; normally it wouldn't make too much difference but it was central to your RP (even the title), and I don't think Dom Harter has ever been called that.

I assume from Dom's entrance attire with the shirt saying 'Hail To The King'. Throwaway pop culture reference taken seriously.

[Vinny]

[thelion]

Yeah, I took that phrase and ran with it, LoL. I think it was used to fairly good effect.

The next RP I cut will probably be alot better as I'm going to do a bit of digging and homework before I go popping off, instead of reading from an App and drawing what I can out of it.

Leon is the type of guy that researches his opposition quite heavily though. Doesn't mean he wouldn't be surprised by his opposition, but it does make it harder for them to do so.

[thelion]

But you know what? Have Dominic run with that shit, LoL. I've heard of worse ways to get a nick name.