Tigre Oro RP Feedback.

[Deleted]

Posted my first one earlier this morning. A little note before you review. Only code I'll ever use is bold and Italics.

fgawrestling.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rp1&action=display&thread=1497

Let the text lashing commence! lol

[Deleted]

I suggest you use a color to differentiate who is speaking. (If not for all characters, at least for Tig). Other than that, i enjoyed the roleplay.

[Deleted]

Thanks. I'm not really big on using colors. Hence why I only use the

Name here: "Dialogue here"

Too me, colors distract from the actual content. Especially if you use the wrong colors.

[sgakrista]

I understand where you are coming from Tig, though I do agree with Fairchild. A little color can help, but it's a personal preference mostly. That being said, on to the meat of the review:

I liked your RP quite a bit! It was a good combination of character development, since Tigre is new to the fed, and new to wrestling, and match discussion. That is how I tend to try to do my own RPs, so I like it. You make it very clear that he is young, but very excitable, and confident in his training and his own abilities. Supporting characters are always good if they are well developed, and Matsuda and El Caotico seem to be. Are we going to see more of them in other RPs? If yes, that's cool. If not, also okay. But it's something to think about when you introduce supporting characters.

From what little I know about lucha libre, they do take the masks VERY seriously, and the character they inhabit. So does Tigre. "I'm going paws to the wall" instead of the more typical "Balls to the wall" has a two fold effect: It helps develop Tigre as someone who will become the character of the mask, and it also, in my mind, helps him come across as a young kid.

Aside from the colors (again, personal preference), the only issues I have are on a mostly technical writing aspect. Mostly grammar errors. And while I'm not perfect in that aspect myself ("I AM English Major, after all), it seemed a little rampant in your RP. Too many commas, for example. And unless Matsuda became a horse for a moment, I think you meant

“Ladies and gentlemen, today is a day of great pride for me. Today, we unleash upon the world, a kid, NAY! A man, a man with a love for this business, that I’ll go out on the limb and say, may even su

.

For me, it's a bit jarring, and breaks the mental scene in my head. But it's mostly a technical thing.

So again, I think you've done a very good job, Tigre. A good introduction to Tigre, and the type of kid he is, and how he will approach his first match. Apparently against a legend. (Sorry Anton, I've never heard of you.)

[Chris Q]

Is the kid's first name really Tig? If so, really shouldn't be much of a surprise what mask he gets and what his name will be...

[Deleted]

@sgakrista thanks for the detailed and constructive feedback. I appreciate it immensely. Yes, Matsuda and El caotico, will be around every now and then. Tig still has a lot to learn from them. Frankie will also be around as well, and as more of Tig's back story is revealed, you'll find out about how Tig and Frankie are connected other than the Dojo.

Thanks for pointing out the the homophone(?) that caused the Mr. Ed effect lol. when I get into my writing I get carried away. And more often than not when proofreading, I get sucked into my own work.

And the commas, I'm trying to regain my control over those miscreants. lol

Glad you enjoyed it.

@chris Q
Tig is just a nickname he was given by his father. It'll be explained more in depth in the next RP.

[Vinny]

Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you.
- Vinny

You're going to get off a little easy, Tiggy. Aki already hit what would've been my biggest comment: the commas. My Lord, the commas! Like you, I'm also prone to let my writing get away from me - thinking faster than I can type. I've had to force myself to re-read my RPs to catch my little mistakes (extra commas, missing words, etc), and that's something relatively minor I'd recommend to you.

Another minor point: Oro says he wants to rid the "business" of people that are... looking to use pro wrestling as a business? I think your character would be better served looking to rid the "sport" of bass players and CW vampires. Like I said, it's minor but if your character that REALLY loves pro wrestling, I think it's an important distinction.

Other than that, I loved this RP. Loved it. There were a few points were the dialog seemed to drag, like the characters were reading a script and trying to hit as many points about Tig as possible instead of letting their conversations evolve organically. But outside of that, I felt Oro's enthusiasm exploding off my computer screen. I love that his goals are over the top and not exactly fully-formed, like any excited rookie's would be. I love that his all-over-the-place descriptions of himself (something I would usually consider a flaw) work, as this is a kid who has just discovered his "identity" 5 minutes earlier and is still trying to find himself in the mask and cape.

Oro, as a character, has a ton of potential. A real, true babyface.

Peace,
- V