Leon Corella Opening RP Feedback

[thelion]

So guys & girls... as my first official on-show function, what'd you guys think about it and what are some ways I can improve upon what I've written?

Generally I don't ask such things but I figure that what I've been doing over the last few years must not be completely awesome. Afterall, I've had quite a few feds drop out from under my character and anytime I've gotten involved in cross promotional events with Leon, it ends badly for him, LoL. The only victory he's ever had in a multi-fed supercard, was UWL's Wrestlefest for the Patriot Title.

Also, many of you write a style that's a bit different than what I'm used to seeing and they are all interesting reads. So I feel obligated to ask for tips, LoL.

[Vinny]

Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you.
- Vinny

Since you were nice enough to review my RP, I figured I'd return the favor.

In terms of a pure booking perspective, it is a bold move to start a show with a new talent, especially one that may not be known to the FGA crowd. I think the way you handled this in your promo - with the initial mixed reaction to the exposition of who Leon Corella is - was very good. I thought the crowd came over to his favor a bit early, but that's getting really nitpicky.

The exposition/explanation of Leon Corella was very good, like I said. I thought it focused a little too much on UWL and Kevin Hill and not enough on why Leon Corella came to FGA or what he accomplished in TSWF. By focusing so much on Hill/UWL and spending a lot of air on running down Hill as a promoter - which I assume is a shoot, and I love me some shoots - Corella teeters on the edge of going from "guy that got screwed over and stuck it to the man" to "guy that thinks he got screwed over and keeps whining about it." Ultimately, I still think Corella is in that first camp, but for a formal introduction to the character, I would've stuck with the Cliff Notes version of the story.

I also felt the "Harvard Business School" line was a bit shoe-horned in. You tied it back in to Ryan Kidd, but it struck me like the old joke: "How do you know if someone went to Harvard? Don't worry. They'll tell you." I also started to feel that Corella was getting a little too smarmy talking about his wealth and business acumen. That's not usually a way to get over with the "common man" wrestling fan.

All and all, it was interesting. It hinted at a potential future feud with Kidd. It established a backstory and a character. All excellent things, especially for a debut.

I am left wondering what exactly FGA "fans" are supposed to be left thinking of Corella, though. Is he a babyface or a heel? On the one hand, he got some cheers. On the other hand, he told a top babyface to fuck off AND spent a lot of time complaining about his prior treatment while bragging about his successes. He also called Kidd a paper champion in no uncertain terms. If I'm a Kidd fan, I don't like this Corella character.

Hope this is along the lines of what you're looking for in terms of feedback. I'm also happy to talk about it on here; via PM; or via AIM.

Peace,
- Vinny

[Deleted]

Leon came across to me during that segment as a mixture of Triple H, Shane Douglas and Kevin Steen which isn't really a bad thing. Overall, I liked the promo and thought that it was a great intro to the Leon character. It told us where he's been and some of the things that's happened to him lately.

I guess my only big advice coming out of it would be to decide where you want to go with the Hill/UWL/Kidd stuff and stay that course. Because if you mention it too much and keep towing the line that Leon likes to earn his shots and busts his ass to work up to the top of the proverbial ladder, you'll risk backing yourself into a corner in your future matches here because it'll seem like Leon's saying one thing (that he likes earning things) but doing another (complaining about things not going his way). So just keep an eye on that and try to find a happy medium.

[thelion]

Oh yeah, I had alot to tackle with that RP. Thanks for the feedback guys. The idea with Corella is that he's not a pure face by any stretch of the imagination. The man is damaged goods in alot of ways. I know tweener is a dirty word in FGA, but Leon treads a razor's edge between good and evil all the time. He actually comes from a heel background initially, but went on a big redemption angle for a prolonged period. Now it's not so much redemption he seeks, but validation. It's been a long career for him with not alot of really great accolades to his credit.

I don't plan on him over-harping the UWL/Hill issue after this. He's said his piece and intends to focus more on moving forward. He'll prove himself as more than words for sure, at least I hope so. LoL.

Oh and Jake, funny you should mention those three names. Two of them are where I draw alot of inspiration, Shane Douglas in particular. I've always been a fan of the Franchise, mostly because of the fact that he didn't care what came out of his mouth during his promos. He just flat out said it. Leon takes his primary cues from Douglas, but combines it with a physical presence like Triple H, but with a twist that he's very well read and spoken.

Also, glad somebody got the unspoken Harvard joke!

Thanks for the input guys and I'll take it to heart, though I don't expect Leon to shed his expensive suits to get over with the common man. Like Leon's said in the past-

Corella: Money doesn't make a man. His actions do.

[Vinny]

Dec 30, 2012 1:30:51 GMT -5 @thelion said:

Also, glad somebody got the unspoken Harvard joke!

My little bro goes to Harvard (humble-brag), so I'm privy to a lot of them.