Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2012 22:49:20 GMT -5
First RP is up. It's quite short... And I have never heard of the Phantom. It was essentially a throw away because I figured I wouldn't ge a response.
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Nov 28, 2012 18:31:00 GMT -5
Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you.
- Vinny Hi, Matt. I may call you "Tony" by accident once or twice. It's not intentional, I'm just forgetful. The first thing I will say about your RP is that it is brief. This is an excellent thing. Far too many people forget that less is more. In the real world, guys shoot quick 1-3 minute promos and they're done; they don't drone on and on for hours on end (like I'm doing now). So we're off to a good start. I'll try not to critique too much since you mentioned this was a "throw away" RP, but I do have to ask one question: If you're not expecting a response from your opponent then wouldn't this be a perfect opportunity to delve more into your character? If match discussion is going to be sparse (which it always will be if there's only one guy in the matching doing the talking), why not spend a couple hundred words talking about who Tony Edison is; where he comes from; and maybe even a little shameless self-promotion if he's that type of guy. I know it sucks when you put out a killer RP and your opponent no shows, because it feels like a wasted effort but I think you should look to this as a chance to expand on your character in the future (if this sort of thing happens again). On a related note: Who is Tony Edison? He's wrestled in Underground X. He's got two sort of similar nicknames, but that's all I know about this guy from this promo. He seems amiable enough. He's polite to the Mr. Staff and he doesn't abuse poor oft-abused Justice Young, so I'm getting the babyface vibe, which is a good start... but that's all I'm getting here. I do like the nicknames that Tony has, even though they are essentially the same thing. They let me know that he's a high flyer. Cool, but I'm not getting a lot of personality to go with that. He doesn't have to be bouncing off the walls screaming "I'm a high-flyin', gravity-defyin', suicide-divin' wrestling machine!" but if he is flashy like a lot of high-flyers are (and he may not be, I don't know), it didn't come across to me in this promo. "Honestly, it sounds like some kind of generic dark character, based on his name alone." - It's a personal peeve of mine when I see comments like this. I know everyone in e-Wrestling is "smart" to the wrestling industry, but these sort of smark-y comments always pull me out of the promo and remind me that I'm reading an RP. It's also dismissive of the opponent, which babyfaces should generally try to avoid as a rule. Other than that, there's nothing "wrong" with this RP but there's also not much to it, either. "Throw away," as you said, is a good way to describe. Man shows up. Man works out. Man cuts promos. Fade to black. Like I said: nothing wrong with that, but for lack of a more polite word, it's forgettable. Hopefully this is the kind of feedback you were looking for, Matt. As a mark for babyface high-flyers, I look forward to learning more about The Man That Gravity Forgot. Peace, - Vinny |
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