Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you.
- Vinny
Stupid hangover is making my brain hurt, but here it goes...
Ever since I had an awesome female tag partner back in the day, I've been a mark for female characters. I also have a personal affinity for punk chicks/suicide girls (my girlfriend has pink hair). So right off the bat I like Akrista.
Opening introduction: I'm a fan stating the location so good there. I'm also a fan of a little more description than you gave here. We get a good description of Sasha but nothing for Akrista; she's supposed to be the focus after all, right? (Related: I'm a fan of FGA's hiring policies).
Initial exchange with Sasha: A few things are confusing here. Why is Akrista speaking Russian? Last I checked, O'Hare isn't a Russian name, and generally someone who is only part Russian wouldn't be dropping it in casual conversation. I like that you provided the translation, but I really don't see the need for it.
I'm also not sure what the relationship between Sasha and Akrista is. This will be a running theme in this review. Aki refers to her as "Sash;" a nickname that implies they know each other and Sash responds by calling Aki a nut. The general implication is that they are friends. This friendly banter is fine, but it stops making sense when Sasha refers to Aki as "Ms. O'Hare." And Aki has to explain how her name is pronounced (doesn't *have* to, but does slip in there) which implies that Sasha wouldn't know that. See where I'm getting confuzzled here?
Watching the DVD: Small nitpicky thing is that the match quote is the same color as the general description. That gets a little confusing, so I'd either off-set it with some characters (---------) or make it a different color so it's evident that it's from the match. Or don't include. That's my preference but everyone's got their own style.
Nice small details with Aki rocking the AC Slater seat position. Little character ticks like this add up over time and really help flesh out a character into a "real" person.
I personally don't like match analysis style RPs. They're very splintered and, frankly, boring. And some of the points that are made can often be a reach. For example, jumping to the conclusion that Chris Q gets frustrated easily because he shows frustration at one point in the match is a stretch. It's an even bigger stretch to get from there to potentially winning by DQ. Some of the other analysis is good; smoking means bad lung capacity, so compound the difficulty of running by going after the legs. That makes sense. But really it's kind of boring to read (or in the fake world of e-W, watch on a promo).
So far the dialog is very stream of consciousness which can work as long as its an interesting topic. For me, brainstorming match strategy in this context isn't the most entertaining thing to read.
Muscle car: I marked. Mustang owner. What-what.
Honestly I'm learning more about Sasha in this RP than I am about Aki. And I'm liking her more. It's awesome to have a cool sidekick, but when the sidekick is getting my air-time than the main character you probably need to shift some focus around. But yeah... pink-haired tech geek who loves muscle cars? I'm in love.
...And apparently so is Aki. I'm back to being confused about this relationship. They're clearly not old friends I think I've got that now... but are they attracted to each other? I'm intrigued (obviously) and if this is the first in a slow build towards that: cool. But without any sort of flirtation the line "That is quite possibly the hottest thing I’ve ever heard" seems weird and out of place. It works well enough, and I'm being nitpicky but that's what I do.
The bar: Sasha's a whiskey drinker, too? *Swoon* Fair warning: I'm now planning to steal your sidekick and make her mine.
As a Bostonian I enjoyed the digs at the Red Sox, but uh... it's late November. What baseball games are they showing in November when the season ends in October (and for the Red Sox, in September)? They certainly wouldn't be showing highlights from this past season as none are known to exist. *Rimshot*
We get a little more Chris Q analysis, which I guess is okay but I'm not interested in Chris Q. This is Akrista's RP. This is her character development section (in theory), and what I'm getting from her in this section is that she likes to drink... but also criticizes Chris Q for drinking. Not to mention she's trying to seduce MY Sasha with alcohol!
I'll stop, but seriously: Aki is coming off as a little obsessive with the first match. That makes sense given that it's her debut in a new promotion, but I'm not getting a ton of interesting stuff out of it. And then Sasha recaps it, which is basically the same information for a third time. It's a little redundant for my taste.
Aki's final comments are good, but again this is the kind of stuff I'd expect coming later in the match discussion. It's cool to break up the match discussion across the RP if that's your style, but since - like I said - we still don't know too much about Aki I really wanted more of her personality in these earlier parts. Nitpicky, I am.
Slainte is how I toast. The "Na zdorovye!" afterwards is odd. Not because it's Russian, we're slowly establishing that Aki drops Russian into casual conversation, but it's in red. We haven't seen any red before. Who is saying "Na zdorovye!"?
I already mention the minor hypocrisy of criticizing Chris Q's drinking over a round of drinks, so I won't harp on getting the party started in the bar.
Boxing Gym: This is our third different venue (fourth if you include the car/parking lot). For me, that's too many. That's a personal preference but my philosophy is that each venue should serve a purpose. The Gym serves a clear purpose (and possibly a subtler one, more about which in a moment) but I don't really get a sense of purpose from the bar scene.
Here's what I like most about the gym scene, it works well with the sense of parachrony that I get from the character. She loves things that are temporally out of place. This might just be a coincidence, but if it's not it is an excellent little character trait that was very subtly inserted there.
I lost a lot of my suspension of disbelief when all the old gym equipment was still in the gym. I would've thought it would be sold off or stolen by now, especially prior to a demolition. The power also would've been turned off for safety if nothing else. Stupid Erie DPW.
Side note: GOOGLE CHROME IS THE FUCKING BEST. I accidentally closed this window and Chrome saved what I had written. So amazing. I almost cried.
Match Discussion: There's excellent flow from point to point here. It's well structured and broken up into nice paragraphs with a little bit of action in between. We also get a nice sense of the character's purpose. Very babyface-y, which is good.
The "Gray Angel" nickname seemed to come out of nowhere, but again that's nitpicky.
The "For Chris Q" thing seems odd for a few reasons. I'd think the promo would be available for public consumption, and I wouldn't want to leave the only copy with my opponent who - well - could just break it. Also, where is this "Reception" where the promo DVD is being left? Last I checked we were in a gym getting demolished in the morning. Which reminds me, is this the same day as all the other events or the next night?
And finally... "the two girls hug, and head into the early morning darkness, to bed…" I'll ignore my minor, minor, minor nitpick with this sentence structure (Catholic grammar school, can't help myself) and ask the question on everyone's mind: To bed... TOGETHER? ;D
Phew! That's it. Despite all my comments, I enjoyed reading this RP and I'm looking forward to learning more about this character.
Peace,
- Vinny
), so don't try stealing her unless you want a punch in the teeth. Heh. We actually first met Sasha in the Post Show Report for the One Year anniversary show: 
