The Superbowl Snack Attack
Feb 9, 2019 15:16:07 GMT -5
Post by Delikado on Feb 9, 2019 15:16:07 GMT -5
The scene opens at the Sofia-Jakeway residence. Sofia Monzón is entering through the front door after a busy day of errands and other work, sighing with exhaustion as she adjusts her arm in its sling. She immediately sees the place has been decorated with flowers and candles, stopping her in her tracks and raising her eyebrow.
Sofia Monzón: Hello…? Ewan?
Sofia shuts the door and takes a few steps around, gazing at the abundance of rose petals on the floor and pausing to sniff one of the candles. She smiles with satisfaction.
Sofia Monzón: “Blood and Iron” scented candles? Mmmm, my man looooove me.
Taking time to continue admiring the setup, Sofia follows the obvious flower petal trail and eventually finds Ewan Jakeway standing in the middle of a giant cornucopia of flowers near an open and active fireplace. He holds up a golden flower and gives a resigned exhale.
Ewan Jakeway: Sofia…I’m so, SO sorry…
She slowly walks toward him looking playfully nervous.
Sofia Monzón: Heh. What’d you do, Ewan?
Ewan swallows, his nerves blatantly on edge as he tries to formulate the proper answer to go with his appeasing arrangement.
Ewan Jakeway: …I tried to be brave and—
Like lightning, Sofia gets wide-eyed, confrontational, and menacing in her tone.
Sofia Monzón: What the shit did you DO, Ewan?!
Ewan quivers in the face of Sofia’s building wrath.
Ewan Jakeway: A-A-At t-t-the last V-V-Vertigo show, when D-D-D-D-Delikado was off on his P-P-Pyramid scheme, w-w-which I’m s-s-s-s-sorry I kept from y-y-y-you, I….I THREATENED TO SUE FGA! Yeeps!
With her one good arm Sofia effortlessly hoists Jakeway up by his throat and holds him in the air. Keeping him in this position, the Spaniard interrogates Ewan with her voice level kept surprisingly in check.
Sofia Monzón: And what would make you think THAT was a good idea?
Ewan Jakeway: *whimper/cough* Some “I’m with Corporate” Dick Pick guy showed up and ambushed me with Delikado’s match against Gunnar. I was scared! You were out, Susan Kent was out, Delikado was doing Delikado stuff.
Sofia Monzón: Call me on your <BEEP>ing phone. That’s why I gave it to you!
Ewan Jakeway: I thought maybe I could do manager stuff like you always do, salvage the day and talk our client into something more beneficial. The Resistance are scumbags, we know that! P-Plus…you keep saying I should stop running away and not be so cowardly…
Sofia Monzón: Suing the place you work for is the DEFINITION of cowardly, especially in wrestling! They don’t even have a weight division for people who throw lawsuits around, because someone with that little amount of guts can’t possibly exist!!
Ewan Jakeway: I made sure to tell him it was just a prank afterwards! I didn’t say we’d go through with it, just making “anti-bullying” threats and whatnot!
She gives him a little shake in the air, causing Ewan to gasp and choke a bit more.
Sofia Monzón: Ohhhh, well doesn’t THAT make everything all <BEEP>ing better?! The only reason I’m not snapping your neck right now is because my “neck-snapping” arm is momentarily crippled in this sling!
Ewan Jakeway: A-A-And b-b-because the l-l-l-love y-y-y-you have for m-m-m-me and o-o-o-our s-s-son, our life t-t-t-together…???
Sofia Monzón: Let me put extra emphasis on the “momentarily crippled” part.
She flings him into the pile of flowers and after turning all of the lights back on storms off to a writing desk. The desk is opened and a notebook is pulled out. Ewan rubs his throat and takes deep breaths as he watches.
Ewan Jakeway: W-What’re you doing…?
Sofia Monzón: I’m looking for the number of the guy you said you’d sue. It must be Major Dick Pict, at least I’d take in an educated guess based off your namedrop. Ah, found it!
Ewan Jakeway: You keep a number of everyone in the business?
Sofia Monzón: Among other things.
Sofia takes the phone number and walks over to Ewan, causing hm to scoot away initially in fear at what might happen next.
Sofia Monzón: Give me your phone. You’re going to call and apologize for saying you would sue the FGA. “It’s a prank” won’t cut it.
Ewan Jakeway: Ohhhh jeeeez! But I’m afraid of what’ll happen if he hears me—he said something about “other teams” and “incentives” at the end of the conversation, really spooky cliffhanger stuff!
Sofia Monzón: Word to the wise: Be afraid of what *I’ll* do if you don’t make this <BEEP>ing call.
Ewan hurriedly retrieves his cellphone from his pocket and begins to dial the number Sofia gives him. After a few seconds of ringing, another voice is heard.
Major Dick Pict: Hello, this is Major Dick Pict with Frontier Grappling Arts.
Ewan Jakeway: Heeeeey, Dick! This is Ewan Jakeway, the prank guy!
Sofia puts two fingers to her temples, causing Ewan to stammer.
Ewan Jakeway: W-W-What I meant was, the “not-so-funny-prank guy.” R-Remember?
Sofia mouths “speaker” and Ewan responds by putting him on speakerphone.
Major Dick Pict: [over phone] I remember you, Mr. Jakeway. You threatened to sue the company for giving your client work.
Ewan Jakeway: Haha, yeaaaaah. See, the thing is, I just want to say, about all that “suing stuff”, that I apo—
Suddenly, all of the lights go out and the sound of glass breaking is heard off-screen. Sofia and Ewan’s heads snap in the direction of the noise.
Ewan Jakeway: Uhhh, hold on, please.
The pair cautiously move to the living room, finding a few of their windows have been smashed in by solid balls of….chips? Indeed, closer inspection reveals it’s a HUGE ball of cheese and guacamole that’s been covered in chips and then frozen so that it’s hardened into a solid projectile. Several of them litter the floor amidst the glass. Before they can investigate further, the silence is broken by a nasally voice of some Scandinavian accent.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Zee Resistance has come for you, Cuban and friends, and zee vight has arrived at your door!
The front door is promptly blown completely off its hinges by a giant cheeseburger slider. Crouching down, Sofia moves forward and briefly pokes her head out of the newly made hole in her home. What she sees is immediately disturbing, for under the lights that have been brought forth to illuminate the night a large assembly of people, a veritable ARMY, stands massed and ready! A flag of Sweden waves in the background, with Prince Otto standing before it with a bullhorn.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Zat’s right! Vat my cousin Gunnar began vee shall end! Vor zu see, vee do not care vor zu, Delikado, vit your trickery and mockery of our vays. Zu invite us zu your “Parking Lotta Fun” and zen zay zer is NO PARKING? No parking, ven zu KNOW about me and my femeely heestury, about how I vant to bring greatness of Sveden vrestling to zis sport—namely through my SCOOTER!
He snaps his fingers and a servant brings forth the Prince’s flashy scooter. Hopping on and rolling about in what he hopes is an impressive display, Prince Otto strikes a prideful expression followed by one of anger.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Who vouldn’t vant ZIS in zer company?! A veapon, a stage, a physical and spiritual mover of people, all in von! FGA knows vat she vants, and vat she wants is ZEE RESISTANCE! Vee vill not ve stopped! Your Memphis Pyramid challenge has only signed your doom! Zu saw vat kind of beating Tyler Kingsley gave Peaches, and zen how Tristan Ambrose vinished zee job? Zat is vhat vill happen here tonight zu you, zu and zee cronies about zu, only ten times worse, for your deceptions!
He pauses as he holds a finger to his ear, apparently being relayed information.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Ah, yes, and also vor zee killing of vegan food! Zat vee vill avenge too! Vit zis, our Battle of Breitenfeld—ZEE SUPERBOWL SNACK ATTACK!!! NO SURRENDER! ZEE RESISTANCE TAKES NO PRISONERS!!! Soldiers…open zee snacking.
In unison, several men and women hold up what at first look like oversized t-shirt guns seen in a typical wrestling show, but upon taking aim and firing at the house, we see they’re actually firing foods you’d find at a Superbowl party, only compacted and hardened to give them borderline cannonball consistency. Various sliders, frozen dips, pinwheels, and loads of fried stuff hit the building with a solidness that, when done in a barrage such as has been opened, actually creates decent-sized damage and even causes some shaking. Sofia and Ewan take cover as more windows shatter and their surroundings begin to take hits.
Sofia Monzón: Goddamn <BEEP>ing <BEEP> this <BEEP>ing <BEEP>-sucking shit!
Ewan Jakeway: Ohhhh honey, I wish you wouldn’t swear so much! Uhhh, who am I kidding?! We’re under attack! We’re gonna die, and by Superbowl snacks of all things! Who could’ve guessed they’d be THIS bad for you??? Who thinks this up?!
Sofia Monzón: It’s <BEEP>ing Snackey, has to be! But how did he find us? I spend thirty minutes every day driving around to lose any tails and keep our residence private!
Sofia takes another brief glance and in that moment her sharp Spanish eyes focus beyond the firing line outside to three carrier pigeons of Delikado’s Carrier Pigeon Mafia sitting on a cable. The birds are eating from a gourmet tray of exotic-looking food.
Carrier-Pigeon A: MmmmMMMMMM, dis Sweden snacking is some good eating, boys, sqwak! Toast Skagen, Jansson’s Temptation, Princess Cake oh my, sqwak!
Carrier-Pigeon B: But was it worth giving up Delikado’s address to this army, sqwak?
Carrier-Pigeon C: Shut up and eat some of dat Gubbröra, then tell me it ain’t SO worth it, cuz, sqwak!
Narrowing her eyes in rage at the self-serving of her client’s pigeon service, she retreats back behind the couch that is being pin-cushioned with sharpened potato wedges.
Sofia Monzón: That idiot Delikado’s stupid pigeons betrayed us. Son of a bitch! We have to get out of here.
Ewan Jakeway: You heard the weird French guy, Sofia! No prisoners! We’re right in the middle of a Superbowl Snack Attack!
She smacks him once in the head, just hard enough to keep Ewan from losing focus.
Sofia Monzón: You want to be brave? NOW is the time to do it! Follow my lead. We have to get Hector.
Ewan Jakeway: What about Delikado?!
Sofia Monzón: ……………
Ewan Jakeway: We can’t leave him, Sofia! He’s the only one in FGA random enough to take on The Resistance if THIS is what they’re bringing against us!
Sofia Monzón: Ugh…fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
The pair dart through the hellfire of snack blasting to their son’s room. The infant is standing up in his crib, looking blankly at his parents.
Sofia Monzón: Stop crying, you ass!
Ewan Jakeway: He’s not doing anything, babe!
Sofia Monzón: Not HIM!
She pulls open the closet door to reveal Delikado sitting in his wheelchair with a laptop positioned on his knee.
Sofia Monzón: We have to go! Your new “friends” are calling in response to your challenge at Vertigo—at least the Swedish Chef ones. Let’s move before the WRESTLING ones show up and really make this a war.
………………………………………………………..
Sofia Monzón: I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! You and Henny can write your Grand Theft Auto porn epic later!
She wheels the catatonic Cuban out of the room as Ewan carries baby Hector. By now the living room is virtually unrecognizable in its messy, hole-ridden condition. Ewan looks out of one of the gaps and realizes The Resistance army is closing in. The house is blatantly surrounded.
Ewan Jakeway: It’s over! We’re going to be executed by firing celery in our heads or something!
Sofia Monzón: Nobody executes me! If I’m going out…it’s by fighting.
………………………………………………………………….
Sofia Monzón: You did what?! When???
Ewan Jakeway: What’d he say?!
Sofia Monzón: Delikado had a tunnel installed under our house so he could smuggle whores and “Boss weapons”!
…………………
Sofia Monzón: ….And have a place for his bug collection….if he ever decides to collect bugs.
………
Sofia Monzón: You’re a crazy old man, but right now, it just might save us. So where is this tunnel of yours?
…………………………….
Sofia looks over toward the family entertainment center with a TV and DVD player. She hurries over despite all the chaos around her and searches the shelf of DVDs. After a quick scan, she pulls out the DVD as directed by her telepathic chat with Delikado. Sofia cocks her eyebrow as she turns the case toward the Cuban.
Sofia Monzón: What the hell is this movie…?
…………………………………………………………………………
Ewan Jakeway: Good grief, they’re running across the yard!
Sofia realizes Ewan is right as she notices how The Resistance is moving their assault forward.
Sofia Monzón: Right, no time.
She opens the case and removes the disc. Then a hard fact hits her.
Sofia Monzón: We can’t watch it with no power!
……..
Sofia rushes to the laptop still nestled on the Cuban’s knee and opens the side panel for disks. The booming is becoming louder outside, along with battle cries from the Swedes. Weaponized food is blowing up all around the group as the house is rocking like the craziest Superbowl Snack Attack party EVAR. Finally, the DVD plays and the intro music to Scarface begins to echo around the room. Tremors cause part of the living room floor to open.
………………..
The group rushes down the tunnel. Moments later, globs of melted cheese spray throughout the room as Swedes storm the place using firehouses for the purpose. The steam makes them more like flamethrowers, which might suck if anyone was still in the room, but as the group departs, Sofia ejects the DVD and the opening to the tunnel closes. They keep running for a few more moments, until they find some lights set up and pause. Ewan quickly becomes overwhelmed by something (but what else is new?).
Ewan Jakeway: Gaaah, there’s worms everywhere!
Indeed, worms crawl on the walls, floor, and ceiling.
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
Sofia Monzón: Ohhhh veeeerrrrrry cheeky, asshole. “Actual wormhole”.
….
Sofia Monzón: I GET IT! *grumble*
The rumbling above reminds them they’re not out yet and they keep moving as fast as possible. Very quickly they enter a massive underground facility—not unlike an air hangar for jets in its massiveness.
Sofia Monzón: OH WHAT THE CRAP?! HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THIS PLACE BUILT?!
…………………
A robot that looks exactly like Lloyd, the bartender from the movie version of The Shining enters the scene as lights turn on behind it to illuminate a massive bar.
Lloyd-bot: Good evening, Mr. Delikado. Will it be the usual?
Sofia Monzón: YOU HAVE A “USUAL”!? Seriously, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KEPT YOUR LITTLE LODGE UNDER MY HOUSE?!
…………………………………………………………………………………….
More booms from above pull everyone back to focus once more.
Ewan Jakeway: Can we really stay here?
Sofia Monzón: Not a chance in hell. We have to get back on FGA company ground so we can build up our response to that shit up there. The real question is HOW…?
Per his instructions Sofia pushes the Cuban to a nearby garage. As the door opens Sofia can only just laugh in disbelief.
……
Sofia Monzón: Okay, I’ll give you that: this is classic you.
The camera turns to reveal Delikado’s signature vehicle seen numerous times over his nearly 13-year-long career: a Smart Car Monster Truck.
…………………….
Sofia Monzón: Uhhhh, I’m gonna say “no” on that one. I’M driving.
Jump cut to everyone smushed together in the Smart Car Monster Truck driving along a massive underground highway. Sofia rolls her eyes up to the rearview mirror to look back at Delikado in the backseat.
Sofia Monzón: Sooooo, were you going to tell us about this little project you’ve got going on down here…?
……………………………………
Sofia just shakes her head and sighs in utter exhaustion. Ewan holds his son Hector close like a security/comfort item as he looks out the window. Something then seems to recall in his mind as he pulls out his cellphone.
Ewan Jakeway: Oh yeah, we were talking to Dick Pict about that FGA lawsuit before everything went to poop back there. Heh, I accidentally kept him on speakerphone!
Sofia Monzón: Whatever. What in the world could he POSSIBLY get out of all that nonsense…?
Ewan Jakeway: [over phone] Heeeeey, Dick! This is Ewan Jakeway, the prank guy! W-W-What I meant was, the “not-so-funny-prank guy.” R-Remember?
Major Dick Pict is sitting comfortably in his study. He frowns as he hears the voice on the other line.
Major Dick Pict: I remember you, Mr. Jakeway. You threatened to sue the company for giving your client work.
Ewan Jakeway: [over phone] Haha, yeaaaaah. See, the thing is, I just want to say, about all that “suing stuff”, that I apo—
The sounds of crashing are heard over the phone, causing Major Pict to frown further in confusion.
Sofia Monzón: [over phone] Goddamn <BEEP>ing <BEEP> this <BEEP>ing <BEEP>-sucking shit!
Major Pict is taken aback by this sudden outburst amidst the craziness on the line.
Major Dick Pict: Hello…?
Ewan Jakeway: [over phone intermittently] I…..swear….! We’re gonna Su….! ….THIS bad for you???
Major Dick Pict: Excuuuuuse me??
Sofia Monzón: [over phone intermittently] That idiot…..stupid pigeon….. Son--!
The Major gasps in shock.
Major Dick Pict: Mr. Jakeway, are you making fun of my son?! The son I told you was bullied for his….!
Boy: What’s wrong, Papa?
Major Pict looks to the door of his study where his young son is standing.
Major Dick Pict: Nothing’s wrong, Harry-Richard. It’s just work. Go to your room.
The boy turns and walks away with a noticeable turning inward of the toes commonly known as pigeon toe. When he’s left, the Major turns back to his phone-call, reddening in the face with anger.
Major Dick Pict: How DARE you, sir! I decide to let your little “lawsuit” outburst slide, and now you call me in the middle of the night to not only blast godawful noise and continue saying you’re suing the FGA with profanity-laced proclamations, but you single-out my boy for harassment with his condition?!
Ewan Jakeway: [over phone intermittently] You heard….! No prisoners! We’re Su……. Attack!
Major Dick Pict: You will regret this, Mr. Jakeway. ALL of you. I warned you the FGA could offer incentives to other wrestlers to make your client’s life hell, and I will see they come to pass!
He hangs up the phone in a huff. After looking at his midnight snack of oysters, he sighs.
Major Dick Pict: You spoke, but I didn’t listen. Forgive my blindness, Snackey.
Returning to his phone, the Major enters a new number and waits.
Major Dick Pict: Yes, hello, Jenevieve. I want to talk to you about the FGA’s Tag Team Division…
We cut back to the Smart Car Monster Truck. Ewan just shrugs as he pockets his phone.
Ewan Jakeway: You’re probably right. Still, on the topic of FGA, shouldn’t we figure out where to go from here? It’s obvious The Resistance is going to come after us. Ambrose, Gunnar, Ragnar, Kingsley, that army of wackos back there cheesing all over our home! No telling how many more…
Sofia Monzón: I know, Ewan, I know! You think it’s easy to figure out an effective game plan when it’s just the three of us against a wrestling colossus like that?
…………………………………………………………………..
Sofia’s eyes darkly snap back up to the rearview mirror at Delikado.
Sofia Monzón: Haven’t we all been through enough without you bringing up her, especially in SONG?
Ewan Jakeway: Who?
Sofia Monzón: Kent.
They drive in silence for a few moments until Ewan hazards to speak up.
Ewan Jakeway: Well…uh….she IS his partner, Sofia. I mean, Delikado basically declared it publicly off the Memphis Pyramid that he and Susan were a tag team now!
Sofia Monzón: You bunch of horndog mother—
Ewan Jakeway: A monster of a faction, tag team and all, is gunning for us, like, LITERALLY! Meanwhile we have a friend in our corner who can fight, but you just want to shoo her off because of paranoia over a “is it/is it not” injured shoulder! Susan Kent is all we have to work with in the FGA, and we should embrace her, because otherwise we’ll be all alone! You tell ME to be brave? Maybe YOU should be brave and put aside a petty grudge! Stop running from this, and let’s fight em! The Resistance, Bristow and Barnes, The Fam, WHOEVER! If our client is to be a tag team man and wrestle the tag teams of FGA, let’s make sure he has a partner! Let’s build our power up and show the wrestling world they should fear US, Delikado and Susan Kent (With Friends!)
As his speech concludes, the Smart Car Monster Truck finally exits the super long tunnel and comes out to meet a slowly emerging dawn. After thinking for a good minute of silence, Sofia grimaces and grips the steering wheel. Acceptance (or perhaps resignation) crosses her features.
Jump cut to the group of Sofia, Ewan (holding baby Hector) and led by the wheelchaired Delikado outside an unknown location. Sofia knocks on the door and they wait. The view changes to a first-person point-of-view looking at the ragtag bunch. Sofia swallows any bitterness she might be about to let loose and speaks to the person as Ewan smiles and Delikado sits limply yet somehow giving off an energy all his own.
Sofia Monzón: Okay Susi—Susan. Let’s talk about our tag team.
Delikado emits the tiniest of “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE’s!” under his breath to signify excitement as the scene dramatically cuts to black.
Sofia Monzón: Hello…? Ewan?
Sofia shuts the door and takes a few steps around, gazing at the abundance of rose petals on the floor and pausing to sniff one of the candles. She smiles with satisfaction.
Sofia Monzón: “Blood and Iron” scented candles? Mmmm, my man looooove me.
Taking time to continue admiring the setup, Sofia follows the obvious flower petal trail and eventually finds Ewan Jakeway standing in the middle of a giant cornucopia of flowers near an open and active fireplace. He holds up a golden flower and gives a resigned exhale.
Ewan Jakeway: Sofia…I’m so, SO sorry…
She slowly walks toward him looking playfully nervous.
Sofia Monzón: Heh. What’d you do, Ewan?
Ewan swallows, his nerves blatantly on edge as he tries to formulate the proper answer to go with his appeasing arrangement.
Ewan Jakeway: …I tried to be brave and—
Like lightning, Sofia gets wide-eyed, confrontational, and menacing in her tone.
Sofia Monzón: What the shit did you DO, Ewan?!
Ewan quivers in the face of Sofia’s building wrath.
Ewan Jakeway: A-A-At t-t-the last V-V-Vertigo show, when D-D-D-D-Delikado was off on his P-P-Pyramid scheme, w-w-which I’m s-s-s-s-sorry I kept from y-y-y-you, I….I THREATENED TO SUE FGA! Yeeps!
With her one good arm Sofia effortlessly hoists Jakeway up by his throat and holds him in the air. Keeping him in this position, the Spaniard interrogates Ewan with her voice level kept surprisingly in check.
Sofia Monzón: And what would make you think THAT was a good idea?
Ewan Jakeway: *whimper/cough* Some “I’m with Corporate” Dick Pick guy showed up and ambushed me with Delikado’s match against Gunnar. I was scared! You were out, Susan Kent was out, Delikado was doing Delikado stuff.
Sofia Monzón: Call me on your <BEEP>ing phone. That’s why I gave it to you!
Ewan Jakeway: I thought maybe I could do manager stuff like you always do, salvage the day and talk our client into something more beneficial. The Resistance are scumbags, we know that! P-Plus…you keep saying I should stop running away and not be so cowardly…
Sofia Monzón: Suing the place you work for is the DEFINITION of cowardly, especially in wrestling! They don’t even have a weight division for people who throw lawsuits around, because someone with that little amount of guts can’t possibly exist!!
Ewan Jakeway: I made sure to tell him it was just a prank afterwards! I didn’t say we’d go through with it, just making “anti-bullying” threats and whatnot!
She gives him a little shake in the air, causing Ewan to gasp and choke a bit more.
Sofia Monzón: Ohhhh, well doesn’t THAT make everything all <BEEP>ing better?! The only reason I’m not snapping your neck right now is because my “neck-snapping” arm is momentarily crippled in this sling!
Ewan Jakeway: A-A-And b-b-because the l-l-l-love y-y-y-you have for m-m-m-me and o-o-o-our s-s-son, our life t-t-t-together…???
Sofia Monzón: Let me put extra emphasis on the “momentarily crippled” part.
She flings him into the pile of flowers and after turning all of the lights back on storms off to a writing desk. The desk is opened and a notebook is pulled out. Ewan rubs his throat and takes deep breaths as he watches.
Ewan Jakeway: W-What’re you doing…?
Sofia Monzón: I’m looking for the number of the guy you said you’d sue. It must be Major Dick Pict, at least I’d take in an educated guess based off your namedrop. Ah, found it!
Ewan Jakeway: You keep a number of everyone in the business?
Sofia Monzón: Among other things.
Sofia takes the phone number and walks over to Ewan, causing hm to scoot away initially in fear at what might happen next.
Sofia Monzón: Give me your phone. You’re going to call and apologize for saying you would sue the FGA. “It’s a prank” won’t cut it.
Ewan Jakeway: Ohhhh jeeeez! But I’m afraid of what’ll happen if he hears me—he said something about “other teams” and “incentives” at the end of the conversation, really spooky cliffhanger stuff!
Sofia Monzón: Word to the wise: Be afraid of what *I’ll* do if you don’t make this <BEEP>ing call.
Ewan hurriedly retrieves his cellphone from his pocket and begins to dial the number Sofia gives him. After a few seconds of ringing, another voice is heard.
Major Dick Pict: Hello, this is Major Dick Pict with Frontier Grappling Arts.
Ewan Jakeway: Heeeeey, Dick! This is Ewan Jakeway, the prank guy!
Sofia puts two fingers to her temples, causing Ewan to stammer.
Ewan Jakeway: W-W-What I meant was, the “not-so-funny-prank guy.” R-Remember?
Sofia mouths “speaker” and Ewan responds by putting him on speakerphone.
Major Dick Pict: [over phone] I remember you, Mr. Jakeway. You threatened to sue the company for giving your client work.
Ewan Jakeway: Haha, yeaaaaah. See, the thing is, I just want to say, about all that “suing stuff”, that I apo—
Suddenly, all of the lights go out and the sound of glass breaking is heard off-screen. Sofia and Ewan’s heads snap in the direction of the noise.
Ewan Jakeway: Uhhh, hold on, please.
The pair cautiously move to the living room, finding a few of their windows have been smashed in by solid balls of….chips? Indeed, closer inspection reveals it’s a HUGE ball of cheese and guacamole that’s been covered in chips and then frozen so that it’s hardened into a solid projectile. Several of them litter the floor amidst the glass. Before they can investigate further, the silence is broken by a nasally voice of some Scandinavian accent.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Zee Resistance has come for you, Cuban and friends, and zee vight has arrived at your door!
The front door is promptly blown completely off its hinges by a giant cheeseburger slider. Crouching down, Sofia moves forward and briefly pokes her head out of the newly made hole in her home. What she sees is immediately disturbing, for under the lights that have been brought forth to illuminate the night a large assembly of people, a veritable ARMY, stands massed and ready! A flag of Sweden waves in the background, with Prince Otto standing before it with a bullhorn.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Zat’s right! Vat my cousin Gunnar began vee shall end! Vor zu see, vee do not care vor zu, Delikado, vit your trickery and mockery of our vays. Zu invite us zu your “Parking Lotta Fun” and zen zay zer is NO PARKING? No parking, ven zu KNOW about me and my femeely heestury, about how I vant to bring greatness of Sveden vrestling to zis sport—namely through my SCOOTER!
He snaps his fingers and a servant brings forth the Prince’s flashy scooter. Hopping on and rolling about in what he hopes is an impressive display, Prince Otto strikes a prideful expression followed by one of anger.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Who vouldn’t vant ZIS in zer company?! A veapon, a stage, a physical and spiritual mover of people, all in von! FGA knows vat she vants, and vat she wants is ZEE RESISTANCE! Vee vill not ve stopped! Your Memphis Pyramid challenge has only signed your doom! Zu saw vat kind of beating Tyler Kingsley gave Peaches, and zen how Tristan Ambrose vinished zee job? Zat is vhat vill happen here tonight zu you, zu and zee cronies about zu, only ten times worse, for your deceptions!
He pauses as he holds a finger to his ear, apparently being relayed information.
Prince Otto Sonsson: Ah, yes, and also vor zee killing of vegan food! Zat vee vill avenge too! Vit zis, our Battle of Breitenfeld—ZEE SUPERBOWL SNACK ATTACK!!! NO SURRENDER! ZEE RESISTANCE TAKES NO PRISONERS!!! Soldiers…open zee snacking.
In unison, several men and women hold up what at first look like oversized t-shirt guns seen in a typical wrestling show, but upon taking aim and firing at the house, we see they’re actually firing foods you’d find at a Superbowl party, only compacted and hardened to give them borderline cannonball consistency. Various sliders, frozen dips, pinwheels, and loads of fried stuff hit the building with a solidness that, when done in a barrage such as has been opened, actually creates decent-sized damage and even causes some shaking. Sofia and Ewan take cover as more windows shatter and their surroundings begin to take hits.
Sofia Monzón: Goddamn <BEEP>ing <BEEP> this <BEEP>ing <BEEP>-sucking shit!
Ewan Jakeway: Ohhhh honey, I wish you wouldn’t swear so much! Uhhh, who am I kidding?! We’re under attack! We’re gonna die, and by Superbowl snacks of all things! Who could’ve guessed they’d be THIS bad for you??? Who thinks this up?!
Sofia Monzón: It’s <BEEP>ing Snackey, has to be! But how did he find us? I spend thirty minutes every day driving around to lose any tails and keep our residence private!
Sofia takes another brief glance and in that moment her sharp Spanish eyes focus beyond the firing line outside to three carrier pigeons of Delikado’s Carrier Pigeon Mafia sitting on a cable. The birds are eating from a gourmet tray of exotic-looking food.
Carrier-Pigeon A: MmmmMMMMMM, dis Sweden snacking is some good eating, boys, sqwak! Toast Skagen, Jansson’s Temptation, Princess Cake oh my, sqwak!
Carrier-Pigeon B: But was it worth giving up Delikado’s address to this army, sqwak?
Carrier-Pigeon C: Shut up and eat some of dat Gubbröra, then tell me it ain’t SO worth it, cuz, sqwak!
Narrowing her eyes in rage at the self-serving of her client’s pigeon service, she retreats back behind the couch that is being pin-cushioned with sharpened potato wedges.
Sofia Monzón: That idiot Delikado’s stupid pigeons betrayed us. Son of a bitch! We have to get out of here.
Ewan Jakeway: You heard the weird French guy, Sofia! No prisoners! We’re right in the middle of a Superbowl Snack Attack!
She smacks him once in the head, just hard enough to keep Ewan from losing focus.
Sofia Monzón: You want to be brave? NOW is the time to do it! Follow my lead. We have to get Hector.
Ewan Jakeway: What about Delikado?!
Sofia Monzón: ……………
Ewan Jakeway: We can’t leave him, Sofia! He’s the only one in FGA random enough to take on The Resistance if THIS is what they’re bringing against us!
Sofia Monzón: Ugh…fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
The pair dart through the hellfire of snack blasting to their son’s room. The infant is standing up in his crib, looking blankly at his parents.
Sofia Monzón: Stop crying, you ass!
Ewan Jakeway: He’s not doing anything, babe!
Sofia Monzón: Not HIM!
She pulls open the closet door to reveal Delikado sitting in his wheelchair with a laptop positioned on his knee.
Sofia Monzón: We have to go! Your new “friends” are calling in response to your challenge at Vertigo—at least the Swedish Chef ones. Let’s move before the WRESTLING ones show up and really make this a war.
………………………………………………………..
Sofia Monzón: I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! You and Henny can write your Grand Theft Auto porn epic later!
She wheels the catatonic Cuban out of the room as Ewan carries baby Hector. By now the living room is virtually unrecognizable in its messy, hole-ridden condition. Ewan looks out of one of the gaps and realizes The Resistance army is closing in. The house is blatantly surrounded.
Ewan Jakeway: It’s over! We’re going to be executed by firing celery in our heads or something!
Sofia Monzón: Nobody executes me! If I’m going out…it’s by fighting.
………………………………………………………………….
Sofia Monzón: You did what?! When???
Ewan Jakeway: What’d he say?!
Sofia Monzón: Delikado had a tunnel installed under our house so he could smuggle whores and “Boss weapons”!
…………………
Sofia Monzón: ….And have a place for his bug collection….if he ever decides to collect bugs.
………
Sofia Monzón: You’re a crazy old man, but right now, it just might save us. So where is this tunnel of yours?
…………………………….
Sofia looks over toward the family entertainment center with a TV and DVD player. She hurries over despite all the chaos around her and searches the shelf of DVDs. After a quick scan, she pulls out the DVD as directed by her telepathic chat with Delikado. Sofia cocks her eyebrow as she turns the case toward the Cuban.
Sofia Monzón: What the hell is this movie…?
…………………………………………………………………………
Ewan Jakeway: Good grief, they’re running across the yard!
Sofia realizes Ewan is right as she notices how The Resistance is moving their assault forward.
Sofia Monzón: Right, no time.
She opens the case and removes the disc. Then a hard fact hits her.
Sofia Monzón: We can’t watch it with no power!
……..
Sofia rushes to the laptop still nestled on the Cuban’s knee and opens the side panel for disks. The booming is becoming louder outside, along with battle cries from the Swedes. Weaponized food is blowing up all around the group as the house is rocking like the craziest Superbowl Snack Attack party EVAR. Finally, the DVD plays and the intro music to Scarface begins to echo around the room. Tremors cause part of the living room floor to open.
………………..
The group rushes down the tunnel. Moments later, globs of melted cheese spray throughout the room as Swedes storm the place using firehouses for the purpose. The steam makes them more like flamethrowers, which might suck if anyone was still in the room, but as the group departs, Sofia ejects the DVD and the opening to the tunnel closes. They keep running for a few more moments, until they find some lights set up and pause. Ewan quickly becomes overwhelmed by something (but what else is new?).
Ewan Jakeway: Gaaah, there’s worms everywhere!
Indeed, worms crawl on the walls, floor, and ceiling.
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
Sofia Monzón: Ohhhh veeeerrrrrry cheeky, asshole. “Actual wormhole”.
….
Sofia Monzón: I GET IT! *grumble*
The rumbling above reminds them they’re not out yet and they keep moving as fast as possible. Very quickly they enter a massive underground facility—not unlike an air hangar for jets in its massiveness.
Sofia Monzón: OH WHAT THE CRAP?! HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THIS PLACE BUILT?!
…………………
A robot that looks exactly like Lloyd, the bartender from the movie version of The Shining enters the scene as lights turn on behind it to illuminate a massive bar.
Lloyd-bot: Good evening, Mr. Delikado. Will it be the usual?
Sofia Monzón: YOU HAVE A “USUAL”!? Seriously, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KEPT YOUR LITTLE LODGE UNDER MY HOUSE?!
…………………………………………………………………………………….
More booms from above pull everyone back to focus once more.
Ewan Jakeway: Can we really stay here?
Sofia Monzón: Not a chance in hell. We have to get back on FGA company ground so we can build up our response to that shit up there. The real question is HOW…?
Per his instructions Sofia pushes the Cuban to a nearby garage. As the door opens Sofia can only just laugh in disbelief.
……
Sofia Monzón: Okay, I’ll give you that: this is classic you.
The camera turns to reveal Delikado’s signature vehicle seen numerous times over his nearly 13-year-long career: a Smart Car Monster Truck.
…………………….
Sofia Monzón: Uhhhh, I’m gonna say “no” on that one. I’M driving.
Jump cut to everyone smushed together in the Smart Car Monster Truck driving along a massive underground highway. Sofia rolls her eyes up to the rearview mirror to look back at Delikado in the backseat.
Sofia Monzón: Sooooo, were you going to tell us about this little project you’ve got going on down here…?
……………………………………
Sofia just shakes her head and sighs in utter exhaustion. Ewan holds his son Hector close like a security/comfort item as he looks out the window. Something then seems to recall in his mind as he pulls out his cellphone.
Ewan Jakeway: Oh yeah, we were talking to Dick Pict about that FGA lawsuit before everything went to poop back there. Heh, I accidentally kept him on speakerphone!
Sofia Monzón: Whatever. What in the world could he POSSIBLY get out of all that nonsense…?
~What Major Dick Pict got out of all that nonsense~
Ewan Jakeway: [over phone] Heeeeey, Dick! This is Ewan Jakeway, the prank guy! W-W-What I meant was, the “not-so-funny-prank guy.” R-Remember?
Major Dick Pict is sitting comfortably in his study. He frowns as he hears the voice on the other line.
Major Dick Pict: I remember you, Mr. Jakeway. You threatened to sue the company for giving your client work.
Ewan Jakeway: [over phone] Haha, yeaaaaah. See, the thing is, I just want to say, about all that “suing stuff”, that I apo—
The sounds of crashing are heard over the phone, causing Major Pict to frown further in confusion.
Sofia Monzón: [over phone] Goddamn <BEEP>ing <BEEP> this <BEEP>ing <BEEP>-sucking shit!
Major Pict is taken aback by this sudden outburst amidst the craziness on the line.
Major Dick Pict: Hello…?
Ewan Jakeway: [over phone intermittently] I…..swear….! We’re gonna Su….! ….THIS bad for you???
Major Dick Pict: Excuuuuuse me??
Sofia Monzón: [over phone intermittently] That idiot…..stupid pigeon….. Son--!
The Major gasps in shock.
Major Dick Pict: Mr. Jakeway, are you making fun of my son?! The son I told you was bullied for his….!
Boy: What’s wrong, Papa?
Major Pict looks to the door of his study where his young son is standing.
Major Dick Pict: Nothing’s wrong, Harry-Richard. It’s just work. Go to your room.
The boy turns and walks away with a noticeable turning inward of the toes commonly known as pigeon toe. When he’s left, the Major turns back to his phone-call, reddening in the face with anger.
Major Dick Pict: How DARE you, sir! I decide to let your little “lawsuit” outburst slide, and now you call me in the middle of the night to not only blast godawful noise and continue saying you’re suing the FGA with profanity-laced proclamations, but you single-out my boy for harassment with his condition?!
Ewan Jakeway: [over phone intermittently] You heard….! No prisoners! We’re Su……. Attack!
Major Dick Pict: You will regret this, Mr. Jakeway. ALL of you. I warned you the FGA could offer incentives to other wrestlers to make your client’s life hell, and I will see they come to pass!
He hangs up the phone in a huff. After looking at his midnight snack of oysters, he sighs.
Major Dick Pict: You spoke, but I didn’t listen. Forgive my blindness, Snackey.
Returning to his phone, the Major enters a new number and waits.
Major Dick Pict: Yes, hello, Jenevieve. I want to talk to you about the FGA’s Tag Team Division…
We cut back to the Smart Car Monster Truck. Ewan just shrugs as he pockets his phone.
Ewan Jakeway: You’re probably right. Still, on the topic of FGA, shouldn’t we figure out where to go from here? It’s obvious The Resistance is going to come after us. Ambrose, Gunnar, Ragnar, Kingsley, that army of wackos back there cheesing all over our home! No telling how many more…
Sofia Monzón: I know, Ewan, I know! You think it’s easy to figure out an effective game plan when it’s just the three of us against a wrestling colossus like that?
…………………………………………………………………..
Sofia’s eyes darkly snap back up to the rearview mirror at Delikado.
Sofia Monzón: Haven’t we all been through enough without you bringing up her, especially in SONG?
Ewan Jakeway: Who?
Sofia Monzón: Kent.
They drive in silence for a few moments until Ewan hazards to speak up.
Ewan Jakeway: Well…uh….she IS his partner, Sofia. I mean, Delikado basically declared it publicly off the Memphis Pyramid that he and Susan were a tag team now!
Sofia Monzón: You bunch of horndog mother—
Ewan Jakeway: A monster of a faction, tag team and all, is gunning for us, like, LITERALLY! Meanwhile we have a friend in our corner who can fight, but you just want to shoo her off because of paranoia over a “is it/is it not” injured shoulder! Susan Kent is all we have to work with in the FGA, and we should embrace her, because otherwise we’ll be all alone! You tell ME to be brave? Maybe YOU should be brave and put aside a petty grudge! Stop running from this, and let’s fight em! The Resistance, Bristow and Barnes, The Fam, WHOEVER! If our client is to be a tag team man and wrestle the tag teams of FGA, let’s make sure he has a partner! Let’s build our power up and show the wrestling world they should fear US, Delikado and Susan Kent (With Friends!)
As his speech concludes, the Smart Car Monster Truck finally exits the super long tunnel and comes out to meet a slowly emerging dawn. After thinking for a good minute of silence, Sofia grimaces and grips the steering wheel. Acceptance (or perhaps resignation) crosses her features.
Jump cut to the group of Sofia, Ewan (holding baby Hector) and led by the wheelchaired Delikado outside an unknown location. Sofia knocks on the door and they wait. The view changes to a first-person point-of-view looking at the ragtag bunch. Sofia swallows any bitterness she might be about to let loose and speaks to the person as Ewan smiles and Delikado sits limply yet somehow giving off an energy all his own.
Sofia Monzón: Okay Susi—Susan. Let’s talk about our tag team.
Delikado emits the tiniest of “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE’s!” under his breath to signify excitement as the scene dramatically cuts to black.