Prologue 1:How Delikado Got His Old Groove(& Broke His Back)

[Delikado]

We open to a tranquil landscape, a quiet countryside mostly open and free save for the occasional house tastefully constructed here and there. It is a peaceful-looking place, with accommodating folk and animals living naturally as the good Lord intended.

~Once upon a time, in a world united in happiness and peace, there lived a Cuban who represented the best of things…~

Suddenly, a big red Smart Car Monster Truck blasts down the country road, tearing to shreds that tranquil landscape with its oversized wheels and spewing forth both noise pollution and actual pollution on a scale gargantuan enough to fill an entire metropolis. The country folk take cover and the animals bewail in their own way the trauma as the vehicle eradicates their food supply by smashing through hey and obliterating a small barn in its mad trek. The Smart Car Monster Truck comes to a halt atop a hill that just seconds earlier supported a tree that had stood the test of time, since way back in the 18th century they say. The door opens, and out pops a man chomping on a smoking cigar, dressed like a hybrid of a Roman Emperor, a Royal Tsar, a King of all Kings, and a 1970's pimp.

~…that were the exact opposite of what the world needed. His name was--~

Delikado: DELIIIIIIIIIIII…KAAAAAADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!



~…Delikado.~

Finishing off his cigar and putting on a hat that says “MAYOR”, the Cuban looks out around the scenic countryside, spotting a picnic gathering where the country folk had been enjoying themselves. The people give a mixed reaction of whimsical “oh that Deli” eye-rolling, shudders of horror/disgust, and genuine awe at the spectacle this man always seems to naturally give off.

Delikado: Ya’ll are gonna wanna come over here. Delikado’s got some news and boy oh BOY is it life-changing!

The people begin to gather around the Smart Car Monster Truck while Deli adjusts his magnum crotchpiece.

Folk Man #1: What is it, Delikado?

Delikado leaps off his truck to the ground and reaches behind his back to pull out a megaphone. He hoists it up and speaks through it directly into the man’s face. We’re talking full plastic-on-skin contact.

Delikado: [through megaphone] Delikado found a megaphone!!!

Feedback echoes through the open air, giving the people a quiver of anxiety.

Folk Man #2: Huh. That megaphone reminds me, I should run home and see if my megaphone I ordered off Amazon came. We’re going to use it for today’s picnic activities!

Delikado: [through megaphone] You should, Snyder. And while you’re at it you should touch up that hole in the left side of your guest house.

Folk Man #2: What hole in my—

Delikado: [through megaphone] But that’s not ALL the news Delikado brings! Now I know it’s taken a while, a lot of paperwork and time spent campaigning, but that library you wanted is FINALLY finished!

Folk Woman #1: Oh my goodness! We can actually give the children a proper place to learn, with books! This will truly give us a source of knowledge that the world seems to turn its back on more and more each day. Thank you, Mr. Delikado, thank you! You have lived up to your word!

Delikado: [through megaphone] Ha, ha, of COURSE! Why WOULDN’T I stick to my word? That library will be perfect for the BOOK BURNING, after all!

Everyone: ……………………………………………………….wut?

Folk Child: B-But why would you want to burn the books?

Delikado: [through megaphone] Well OBVIOUSLY because they burn better, Timmy! Gives off a nice aura, spooky in all the right ways if you know how to properly harness the flame/book ratio. And that sucker’s a big library so by the time we empty off them shelves, wooooooooo!

Folk Child: But I want to LEARN!

The people begin to grumble in protest. Delikado cocks an eyebrow of surprise and then irritation.

Delikado: [through megaphone] Oh COME ON, guys! Halloween is just around the corner, and if we want to win the “Spooky Town” competition, we gotta commit to something big! A book burning adds a mystique and medieval touch that can’t be rivaled! Passersby will wonder “will they burn a person next?!” and to that we shall say “of course!” Besides, don’t you want to beat those dicks in Parkstone?

Folk Woman #2: We ARE Parkstone!

Delikado: [through megaphone] And this is why you are all looked at as dicks: NO appreciation for the things Delikado has done for you! Like finding this megaphone! Utter ingrates!

The country folk are now beginning to build up in hostility to the Cuban. A corn on the cob flies by and knocks his “Mayor” hat off his head.

Delikado: [through megaphone] WHICH ONE OF YOU *megaphone crackle*SUCKERS THREW THAT CORN?! ANDERSON, WAS THAT YOU WHO THREW THAT CORN?! I WILL LITERALLY *megaphone crackle* YOU!!! *megaphone dies* Grrrrr, Snyder, your megaphone is shit!

Delikado chucks the megaphone away. Seeing the angry mob that’s forming, he looks about desperately and points off into the distance.

Delikado: Look, a distraction!

The Cuban proceeds to hightail it back to his Smart Car Monster Truck and speeds away with reckless abandon. The scene switches to inside the vehicle where Deli begins to light a new cigar as he smiles in satisfaction.

Delikado: Heh, heh, quick thinking out there, Deli. That re-election is as good as yours! You should reward yourself with a little supper.

We catch up with Delikado a short time later as he sits down at a diner. A waiter approaches the table.

Delikado: I demand sustenance! Give Delikado the Bird.

Waiter: …I’m sorry?

Delikado: The Bird! The unique time for food thingy you do!

Waiter: ….Do you mean the early bird special?

Delikado: Whatever, yes! God, the lingo of you hicks STILL astounds Deli after all this time! And I want that old person discount, “bee-tee-dubs”.

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir, but you must be 65 or older to get the elder’s discount for your meal.

Delikado slams down the menu and looks up in shock.

Delikado: WHAT?! You’re lying!

Waiter: Again, I’m really sorry, sir, I’m not. That’s just restaurant policy…

Delikado: But…but Delikado’s not 65 or older. He’s…this many—

He slowly lifts up his right middle finger to the waiter’s face.

Delikado: Oh wait, sorry, Delikado’s got a birthday coming up so he’s really about to be THIS many…

He now holds up his left middle finger alongside the right.

Delikado: Yeah. That’s right. So what’s restaurant policy for someone this old, biiiiiiitc—

Cut to Delikado being thrown out of the diner.

Delikado: IMPERIALISTIC SWINE! THIS IS WHY PEOPLE HATE AMERICA! NO RESPECT FOR REFUGEES LIKE ME!! NYEH!!!!

In a rage, the Cuban pulls an unlit Molotov cocktail out of his back pocket, lights it, and chucks it at the diner’s front sign, only for the bottle to bounce off and land in a nearby puddle. Now in a pouty state he starts pacing, giving the diner a death glare.

Delikado: Delikado will show you, establishment of sit-down feasting! You and your bigoted staff who only submit to the whims of the elder—ELDERLITISTS, THE LOT OF YOU! I shall become one of them and get my early bird special! *dark chuckle* Oh yes, oh yes, DELIKADO WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY “65 YEAR OR OLDER” LIMITS, BY NOTHING!!!! But how…

Delikado begins to stroke his imaginary goatee in wonder.

Delikado: How does one…get old? Think Deli, think, among your many brilliant attributes—including but not limited to: massive man package, godlike looks, genius IQ, owner of the last Blockbuster--you’re also a man of science! What does science tell us about aging and how to go about it? Hmmmmmmmmm……….

He stares at the puddle that put his Molotov cocktail, his pondering growing deeper and deeper until it hits him.

Delikado: Got it. So simple! I have to find the Fountain of Old.

~The Fountain of Old, a legendary spring said to turn one old. Stories of it had been told for thousands of years, with countless explorers seeking it out, all to no avail. To many, it was illogical, a fairy tale, a concept made up by fools, and yet even if it were real, it would take a lifetime not only to gather resources, prepare, and ultimately find the Fountain, but merely to know where to start looking would try even the greatest of minds. Surely the Cuban wo—~

Cut to Delikado standing at the Fountain of Old.

Delikado: I found it!

~…Oh. Thus, uh, thus Delikado discovered the legendary Fountain of Old. Stunned by its mystery, its otherworldly glow, he could only hesitate and ponder if submerging himself would really, truly work. Furthermore, even if it did, was aging himself worth a--~

Delikado runs straight at the Fountain and leaps into the air, curling into a ball.

Delikado: CANNONBAAAAAAALLLL!!

The Cuban vanishes under the slightly murky waters with a heavy SPLASH!

~…Impatient douche. Moments passed before a figure emerged from the waters. An old man crawled out and struggled onto the ground where a young man had been moments earlier. The Fountain of Old was, in fact, real, and had transformed Delikado into a centenarian. What could be going through his mind as he felt his withered form and experienced the sensation of being unnaturally aged beyond his years? His first words could reveal much wisdom for future historians to take note of and--~



Delikado: *cough* Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaymn Delikado’s ooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllllld, yo!

~…I really must stop setting myself up for these interruptions.~

The oldened Delikado gasps and drags himself up to a nearby rock, then to his feet. He gazes upon his reflection in the waters. He immediately grins in triumph.

Delikado: Yes, ha, ha! SUCCESS! Delikado is, like, a thousand right now! This is awesome! SELF HIGH-FIVE FOR VICTORY!

Delikado gives himself a……very slow high-five, and when his now arthritic fingers touch, he cringes a bit.

Delikado: Ow. No matter, time to get my early bird special and show those PETTY ASSHOLES I can be old if I want! GENIUS DELI IS GENIUS! *devious snicker*……. *several guttural clearings of the throat* ….Where am I? What am I doing? …………………Oh right, getting food. Let’s make this epic!

Cut to Delikado riding a bus, dead asleep with his head hanging back and a bit of spittle oozing out of his mouth. Another cut to Delikado sitting down at the same diner with the same waiter. He looks mischievous as he rubs his hands together.

Waiter: What can I get you, sir?

Delikado: Your early bird special, please. Delikado IS 65 or older, after all. That means you cannot deny me! Yes, hahahaha, SUBMIT!!!

Waiter: Of course, sir, I’ll bring that right out.

With a smile the waiter leaves, and returns after a quick cut with a hearty plate of food for the now sleeping Cuban. Delikado farts himself awake and looks about.

Waiter: Here you go, sir, the early bird special. Enjoy!

Delikado: Oh, uh, thank you, dear, but I’m not hungry.

Delikado slowly gets up and hobbles his way out to the parking lot.

Delikado: Well, that was fun. Now. …God, what IS that smell?! It’s horrible! Like old….just…just OLD*sniffs* Oh…it’s me. Yeaaaaaah, definitely gotta go back to being anything but me right now…TO THE FOUNTAIN!

With this, the umpteenth cut, Delikado is at the Fountain of Old yet again. Once more does he look like he’s going to do a cannonball.

Delikado: CANNON--*crack* BALLS! HANGING OLD PERSON BALLS JUST CAUGHT IN ZIPPER! *crack* AND MY BACK!

Delikado instead face plants into the Fountain and sinks. Seconds pass. He slithers out to dry land gasping for air, looking no different. Actually, he might even have aged a bit more!

Delikado: Wuh…Wuh tha hell, brah?! Why’s Delikado still old?! Doesn’t insanity say something about doing the same thing and getting a different result?! Algebra lies!

?: You’ve met with a terrible fate, haven’t you?

In a fright, Deli flings a rock in the direction of the voice that spoke.

Delikado: NO MEANS NO, WEINSTEIN!

The rock hits our "screen" and cuts to black.

To be continued...