The Layla Star Show (vs. El Grande Malo)

[AshCandor]

Some generic tv talk show type music plays and a graphic fills the screen, informing we are now viewing ‘The Star Turn with Layla Star’. Then a cheesy golden glittery animation of a shooting star flies across the screen. The intro fades to a close up of Layla’s bright smiling face. She waved excitedly.

“Hey guys, I’m back again. I’ve poured a few more dollars into the budget of my videos, can you tell? I think Hollywood has gotten to me or something. Like wow. And I’m super excited to be facing my opponent this week. I’m a big fan. I’ve followed his website since I was little and have long enjoyed the exploits of the likes of Homestar, the Teen Girl Squad, and Trogdor the Burninator.”

She paused and checked her phone, then frowned.

“Lukas just texted me and told me I wasn’t fighting Strong Bad this week. This makes me sad. But also not really, I love Strong Bad and would never want to hurt him! I did work long and hard on a bunch of emails I was going to send him asking him about video games and Youtube videos though, so that is like a total waste now.”

She slumped her shoulders and mugged for the camera with a dramatic sad face.

“So like I’m fighting El Grande Malo, which I totally thought was Spanish for Strong Bad. Plus he talks funny kinda just like Strong Bad too, so that like totally lead me to believe I was fighting like an internet legend. I should totally consult El Thesaurus from now on huh? I’m not clueless, I know all about the Bueno Club. Me and Lukas, the Gold Star Connection… we do scout potential teams we might face. You guys have done pretty well for yourselves, as a team as well as individually. The one saving grace I can say is that you’re not facing Becker Gaines this week. I mean, that guy is like a total walking butthole that speaks diarrhea of the mouth. Ew. I’m sorry, I can’t believe I just said that.”

She covered her mouth, pretending to hold back vomit. She reached for a waste basket and put it beside the bed she was sitting on.

“Just in case. I don’t want to gross myself out. I hate feeling bad. And what would make me feel like way in the dumps is if I lose to you, El Grande Malo. I’m new and I want to be impressive, and losing is never going to impress anybody. Not even if I put up a good fight. Because Lukas and I have talked a million times about this, we don’t want to be average. We want to be the best. And if we’re the best that means you can’t be the best. I just have to like go out there in this match and make Grande um…”

She flips through a little book beside her. Her mouth flies open as her fingers stabs at the page, finding what she was looking for.

“Pequeño! Totally pequeño!!! Like Big and Small, total opposites but in that south of the border language, duh. I just need to do my super-duper best at the Center Stage Arena. Show all the people in L.A. just how much of a star I really am. Not just any star. Layla Star. I’m sure that even if you lose you’ll still be the Pride of Mexico, Maine. You can go enjoy some tasty tacos or fish or fish tacos, whatever. I don’t know what you like to eat, just have your favorite meal, okay? It’s not like a last meal because I’m not going to execute you, because I don’t believe in that, and I hate euthanizing pets too. Now I’m making myself sad. No… You mad me sad, Malo. We had to put down to dogs and a goldfish when I was little.”

She pouted. This turned into a red face of rage. But then she calmed back down, taking a deep breath.

“Like… I almost went totally Angry Kitty there. But no, I’m staying Princess Unikitty. Because I’m cute. Let’s see which side of me you get in our match, Mr. Malo.”

She stuck out her tongue as the cheesy music and graphic filled the screen once more as the video ended.