"The Red Pioneer" Maximilian Newman

[Deleted]

RP 001 vs. Corey Lazarus is up. I would love some feedback as it is my debut rp with this character. Much thanks in advance.

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

I thought your RP was interesting. So, like in my creative writing seminars, I'll break your RP down into things that worked for me and things that didn't work.

Things that Worked

Formatting: I like a nice format, something that looks good on the webpage. Your RP fulfills that. It's got a bit of flare to it, but it's easy to read and doesn't go overboard.

Diction: The way you strung words together in the opening Off-Camera scene was great in my opinion. 

Morals: In both scenes, we get a picture of Newman's morals. He is a good guy, a crusader for the weak, and you portrayed that very well.


Things that Didn't Work (for me)

The Shoot: Now, the shoot was very well written, I'll that first. But, there was something about it that made me say "huh." I think maybe it might have been the tone. The Off Camera CD depicts Mr. Newman as a face,  but Shoot in my opinion read more like a Tweener/Mild Heel type. That was my main criticism.

Who is Mr. Newman?: In both scenes we get to see a bit of Maximillian's moral code; we know what he stands for. But, as reader, I feel like I don't know him. Now, I'm sure you will reveal more of his character later. But, I think showing who Max is a person first would help capitvate the reader more.

Well, those are my thoughts. But overall, a very solid RP. Hope this feedback helps a bit.

[Deleted]

Thank you very much sir. I will take your thoughts into serious consideration as I continue to grow and build Max as a character.

*EDIT*

I went back and read my shoot again. I think my main problem is that this is only the 2nd face character I've tried to play. Always been a heel guy, and I guess old habits truly do die hard. I don't like that term 'tweener' but have had them in the past. I had a wrestler in another fed that was truly one though: Straight heel, but everyone loved him. Clean wrestler, dirty mouth.

I can certainly see how Max is not your cookie cutter face character though, as he is more like that then a straight face. Maybe chewing a few pieces of orbit will help out with that.

[Kurosawa Chavez]

I'm going to echo the sentiments that what was written was written well, it got Max's character across, and the format was solid. I like the character and feel like I already know him well, too, but I agree that he came off a little more heel-ish in the actual promo due to the forthright aggression on display. I can't knock you for the lack of knowledge on Laz (since this is the first time we've ever met as handlers, let alone as characters), considering I worked it into my RP, and I LOVE that you're blatantly saying Max makes his own ring gear.

[Deleted]

You guys have both knocked it out of the fucking park this week and I look forward to seeing where both of your characters go.

[Deleted]

Rp - 002 vs. Corey Lazarus is up. Cheggit.

[Kurosawa Chavez]

Thanks for the deadline bomb, jerk.

Damn solid RP, and finishing it with a Tommy Boy quote was ace.

[Deleted]

Jan 30, 2014 17:55:22 GMT -5 Kurosawa Chavez said:

Thanks for the deadline bomb, jerk.

Damn solid RP, and finishing it with a Tommy Boy quote was ace.

Wasn't nothing personal bro. I was out of town from the 23rd till yesterday and I spent all day yesterday sleeping. It really was the earliest I could get one up.

[Kurosawa Chavez]

I'm just fucking with ya. You did good with the new guy.

[Vinny]

Ben was singing your praises (Laz and Max) yesterday, so reading these RPs are on my to-do list. I'll get back at you when I have.

- V

PS. Both your signatures are great. So there's that, too.

[Deleted]

Rp - 001 vs. Jimmy Page is up. Cheggit.

[Deleted]

I was in the middle of so much stuff I forgot.

RP - 002 vs. Jimmy Page has been posted. Cheggit. Feed it. Get fed back.

[James Joseph Page.]

One of the things I've realized when I read your two promos...I FEEL like with your personality, you have gotta play more into it? Because there's two sides of the coin: We got Maxmilian Newman who visits a shrink when he can and vents; Then we have "The Red Pioneer" the HARBINGER of SERENITY. When I read the first snib-bits of your promo for your first RP, I felt was good, you're the hope people need, you're fighting for the people who can't fight. One of the things however, I do when I write a promo, I have a premise. And with that premise oozes possibilities for your creative work to flow when you're trying to write a shoot. But it was solid and I did like it.

I liked the second roleplay too it showed he's human, everyone can't be a cold, calculating, individual...people hurt, people cry, people's lives are all different and that's what I saw in the CD. You're solid in your character development, I'm gonna let you work at any kinks people saw in it because it's okay to me. I think what would make Max more compelling would be to make his promos, more of a declaration so to speak. You're FIGHTING for the greater good, you're doing this for the people, make it known, let the people know. I think if you can do that you'd be a force dude.

Really enjoyed roleplaying with you. =)

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

I read both of your RP's, so this will be a double feedback post.

What worked for me
The exchange with Jack (RP 1): For the most part, I thought that this was a great section. A lot of the time you hear wrestlers say "Wrestling is in my blood," or "I was born to do this." And then you get the non-wrestling person who claims not to understand. You captured this dynamic really well in my opinion.

Shoots (RP 1 & 2): They were great; I don't know what more I could say.

What didn't work (for me)
The end of the talk with Jack: To me the end was a bit flat. I say this because, at the beginning there is a lot of tension. As the talk continues, the tension continues to build (I'd like to think of this as rising action). The climax is in the middle/towards the end of the talk.

I don't know, I feel like there should have been a bit more falling action so to speak, but that's just my opinion.


Overall, two really strong products. 

[Deleted]

Thank you guys so much for your feedback. I have been working on my CD's for awhile, and believe it or not they are a lot better than they used to be. I feel like that is the one real weakness in my game, and I have been doing a lot of work to try and get better at it. I completely understand where both of you (Page and Owens) are coming from when referencing my CD pieces, and I will continue to take feedback and do what I can to incorporate it into each and every rp as we progress forward. Thank you again.