burn the witch (remix)

[Izzy Anders]

It has been a while since I’ve gotten in front of a camera and said something to promote the federation. I’ve been preoccupied with Johnny Carmichael and his antics. You’ll hear more about that later on, but let’s return to basics, shall we? Remember in FGA when we would do things like this? Spit all kinds of venom at our upcoming opponents? I think I won an award for being Most Hated for something like that--or for being a horrible person, which I get. The history of that is coming back to bite me in the ass, if you subscribe to the Johnny Carmichael Power Hour. Regardless of that, there’s one thing that is rearing its ugly head and thinking that times have changed.

If there’s one thing that isn’t going to get back at me, it’s not going to be some stupid ass witch.

Hiya, Sally Salem.

Do you know how hard I rolled my eyes when I saw that you came back?

Do you know how much I gagged when I heard you speak the tired bullshit you spun before?

A final question for you.

Did you think I was going to jump for joy when I saw your name next to mine?

No.

Let me break this down for you, Salem. I’m going to tell you what hasn’t changed before I catch you up to speed.

Cordy Stevenson’s still a fine ass thirst trap and a half. I know she’ll smack me for that, but that’s okay. Nina Stokes’s still one of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet (and the better of your tag team). Marlon Cure’s still hanging onto his Rumble win like it matters now. Fujiko and Envi are still on the “will they, won’t they” stage. Pendragon’s still the best tag team on the planet. And I’m still Izzy MOTHERFUCKING Anders.

Now for what’s changed.

Jimmy Page has vanished off the face of the planet. Tyler Storm thinks he’s people now. Seth Iser became World Champion. Lowri Moss’s challenging for the World Championship. Johnny Carmichael has gone WAY off the deep end, if you hadn’t noticed. Also, there are some new kids worth a damn--talking about you, Laura.

We’re about a year away from where we last heard of you after Ms. Stokes put you out. We all remembered that one important thing about you.

I didn’t miss you.

All in all, I’m not ever going to miss you because I see through your bullshit. I see through the rhymes and spells you’re trying to cast out towards the FGA audience. In this match, you think that you can sprinkle some fairy dust in front of my face and pull a fast one over on me. But sorry, Salem, it’s only going to be a repeat of what happened last time we fought.

Me beating you.

And this time, it’s going to be a kick in the ass to get you back out of the door. Or at the very least, the fuck out of my way. Because I can’t stand return stories. I didn’t even like my own. When people come back, they think that the orbit of the world will start to revolve around their head. The higher powers put you in front of me, thinking that maybe you can get yourself in line of the World title by beating one of the two remaining Grand Slam Champions.

NAH, BITCH.

You see, Salem, or the former Mrs. Kaiser, I still have some issues from that to get through. I plan to do that by beating your head into the mat. You broke my best friend’s heart. You betrayed her trust. My little, angry sister was terrified each and every day that you were gone. She broke away from you because she couldn’t live with the fact that she couldn’t trust your face.

She took the kids and moved the hell away from you.

And she’s never going to be the same nor will she seek the vengeance she so deserves.

Sure, you came back to FGA. Sure, you might be more successful than you were in ANY other outing you had in your career. But I’m going to take a pound of flesh out of your scrawny ass for what you did to her.

Just because it has been some time since we last heard from you, Witchy, doesn’t mean that people haven’t forgotten about you.

Your new girl’s ugly.

Your shit is still tired.

And I’m still better than you by a long shot.

Welcome back to FGA, Salem. It’s nice to know that you’re still a few years stuck in the past.

I still have my stones to drown you in the lake with.
I still have my lighter fluid to set your ass on fire.
And I still have everything in my power to knock you on your ass.

And make sure you understand where the hell your place is here.