MAIN EVENT
Laurel Anne Hardy Hardcore Invitational
Laurel Anne Hardy vs. Chris Bond vs. Jimmy Page vs. Whiskey Ayano vs. Artemis Kaiser vs. Sofia King vs. Nirvana vs. PKA
J.A. Aldridge: In the following match, set to a single fall finish, there will be no disqualifications... no countouts... and falls will count anywhere in or on the grounds of the venue!
A cheer goes up for the impending main event.
J.A. Aldridge: Introducing first...
A few seconds pass - then the opening beat of Faith No More's "Midlife Crisis" hits the speakers and the noise redoubles. After a moment a figure emerges through the curtain, dressed for the occasion in a sharp tuxedo. Over her back is a huge pink rucksack, with various objects from canes and light tubes to barbed wire 2x4s and even a weed whacker sticking out the top - all of which are, naturally, painted in bright colours and decorated with glitter.
J.A. Aldridge: Weighing one hundred and forty-eight pounds... LAUREL! ANNE! HARDY!
As Laurel heads to the ring fans hold out more weapons to her, objects they'd like to see put to use in the match - everything from a cactus to a coffee pot to a LEGO bust of Chris Q. She accepts as many of them as she can fit in her arms, smiling and thanking people the whole time, then sets them all down on the apron along with her bag before hopping up and stepping between the ropes.
Stephy Auger: The architect of this match, Laurel Anne Hardy, looking very dapper.
Kris Cruise: I don't think that suit's going to stay dapper for very long though.
Stephy Auger: Definitely not. Tonight is all about bloodshed and violence. She's made it clear that she's been pining for something like this for a long time.
Kris Cruise: And tonight we're host to the second of these matches - the first was back in PWP last November, in which Laurel defeated Zack Lifer, Suzume Mitsuyoshi, Matt Kail, Jamie Steel and our own World Tag Team Champion, Whiskey Ayano. Can she make it two-for-two tonight?
Stephy Auger: She's got an extra opponent to worry about tonight over that match - we'll have seven fighters right here instead of six.
Kris Cruise: It was actually supposed to be an eight-way match tonight. But Sofia King suffered a nasty spill earlier in the week over in Japan at a Glory For Puro event, which resulted in a severe injury, and she's unable to compete.
Stephy Auger: Needless to say, all of us here at Frontier Grappling Arts wish Sofia the fastest of recoveries.
As Laurel finishes taking her bows in the ring, her music fades away. A smile crosses the two-time World Tag Team Champion's face as it's replaced by Chris Cornell's "You Know My Name", and more huge cheers go up.
"If you take a life, do you know what you'll give...
Odds are, you won't like what it is...
When the storm arrives, would you be seen with me...
By the merciless eyes I've deceived...
I've seen angels fall from blinding heights...
But you yourself are nothing so divine...
Just next in line..."The house lights dim in the smaller facility, and multi-colored lights soon flicker throughout the filled-to-the-brim center. The crowd jumps to its feet, blowing the roof off from the much smaller arena as Chris Bond makes his way out from behind the curtains. As he emerges from behind the curtain, there is a small burst of excitement from the crowd.
J.A. Aldridge: Introducing second, from San Antonio, Texas...
With a spotlight lighting his way, Bond makes his way down the aisle and towards the ring, even slapping a few hands on the way down. Soon enough he jogs up the stairs, and walks along the ring apron before wiping his feet. Chris Bond steps over the second rope and into the ring. The self-proclaimed legend of the wrestling world walks to the center of the ring and stands there for a moment, as flashes go off through out the waves of fans. He circles the ring, arms outstretched, as the fans cheer loudly once again. Bond enjoys this, as his trademark smirk re-emerges on his face.
J.A. Aldridge: Weighing two hundred and forty-two pounds... CHRIS! BOND!
Bond and Hardy exchange a bro-hug, then Bond does a few last minute stretches as he waits for all of the entrants in the match to make their way out.
Kris Cruise: Chris Bond and Laurel Anne Hardy put on a fantastic impromptu hardcore match for us two weeks ago. But now, with the main event slot and five others joining them, you know they're looking to top what they did in Chicago Ridge.
J.A. Aldridge: The third participant...
The abrupt and rough riff of "Sonne" by Rammstein echoes throughout the arena. The lights in the arena begin to die down, casting darkness over the crowd. The sounds of thunder and lightning pick up and the lighting reflects that. The loud riff comes to an end and silence falls over. The crowd resonate their respect for the woman who is coming out as the countdown begins.
"ᴇɪɴs, ᴢᴡᴇɪ, ᴅʀᴇɪ, ᴠɪᴇʀ, ғᴜɴғ, sᴇᴄʜs, sɪᴇʙᴇɴ, ᴀᴄʜᴛ, ɴᴏɪɴ, ᴀᴜs."As "Aus" is said, Artemis Kaiser makes her way from the back. Her face is hidden by a shadow cast by her Greg Jackson hoodie. She is followed by three men, holding up flags. The man on the farthest left holds up a Canadian flag. The man on the farthest right holds up a forest green flag that bears in white "PARAGON BJJ". Finally, the man in the center holds up proudly a black flag with "KAISER" etched in bold, robust lettering. Artemis stretches a bit, before removing the hood. Artemis' face bears eye black as she glares down the crowd. She soaks in their hatred, faintly grinning as the crowd chants obscenities.
"Eɪɴs!
Hɪᴇʀ ᴋᴏᴍᴍᴛ ᴅɪᴇ Sᴏɴɴᴇ.
Zᴡᴇɪ!
Hɪᴇʀ ᴋᴏᴍᴍᴛ ᴅɪᴇ Sᴏɴɴᴇ.
Dʀᴇɪ!
Sɪᴇ ɪsᴛ ᴅᴇʀ ʜᴇʟʟsᴛᴇ Sᴛᴇʀɴ ᴠᴏɴ ᴀʟʟᴇɴ.
Vɪᴇʀ!
Hɪᴇʀ ᴋᴏᴍᴍᴛ ᴅɪᴇ Sᴏɴɴᴇ."The three men begin to march their way down the ramp, followed by Artemis. Artemis does not respond to the fans as she gets close to them, somewhat mocking their contempt. As she reaches the center of the ramp, Aldrige makes the call. Knowing that he is about to, Artemis stops, lowering her head. It is as if she locked herself away in her thoughts for a moment, removing herself from reality. The three men still hold their flags up in silent pride.
J.A. Aldridge: Making her way down to the ring, weighing in at one hundred twenty-three pounds, fighting out of Mount Pearl, Newfoundland, Canada, she is the self-proclaimed "CHAMPION FOR LIFE"... ARTEMIS! KAAAIIISEERR!
Artemis raises her head, roaring out a cry of fury and war. She continues to pump herself up as she makes her way to the end of the ramp. In a choreographed fashion, the three men separate, allowing Artemis through. She unzips her jacket and acts as if she was about to throw it into the crowd, but instead hands it off to the man holding the Canadian flag. In exchange for the hoodie, she takes the flag. She then gives a vain look to the audience again, before leaping onto the ring apron.
Stephy Auger: The first of our special guests for this match! Very few people have made the kind of impact on this sport in their rookie year as Artemis Kaiser did. And a win over some of FGA's top stars in a match like this would no doubt help make her second year just as impressive.
She spreads out the flag, showing her pride in her country and his disdain towards America. She wraps the flag around her shoulders momentarily before entering the ring. She methodically walks around the ring with the flag spread out, establishing her presence. As she concludes her preparations, she leans in her corner, holding the Canadian flag close to her form. She then awaits for the match to begin, keeping an eye on Bond and Hardy but also keeping some distance from them.
J.A. Aldridge: The fourth participant...
"Winner" begins to blare over the sound system. The fans pop with a big cheer as everyone's favorite geriatric pushes his way past the curtain. He stands at the top of the ramp, crosses his arms and a simple pyro explosion goes off at both sides of Nirvana.
Stephy Auger: It's not often we see fireworks at an FGA show - at least, not literal ones, at least.
Kris Cruise: I heard Nirvana personally paid off the fire marshal to let him use them...
Smokes rises from the pyro explosion as Nirvana points to the 'USA' patch on the front of his jacket.
J.A. Aldridge: Weighing three hundred and fifteen pounds... The Midnight King himself.... NIRVANA!
Nirvana flashes a smug smile and turns around to display the Fight One patch on the back of his jacket. He walks backward down the ramp like that for a feet before turning around and making his way into the ring. The hardcore behemoth tosses his jacket outside of the ring and takes his place at the turnbuckle. He panders to the fans for a few moments and then crosses his arms as he awaits the start of the match. He shoots a wink in Laurel's direction, and with a smirk, she blows him a kiss back.
Stephy Auger: Nirvana by far both the largest and the most experienced wrestler in this match - which is some accomplishment considering how long Chris Bond and PKA have both been wrestling.
The arena goes dark and the spotlight shines on the entrance stage, with blue strobe lights mixed in with the white, bright spotlights.
Kris Cruise: Speaking of whom...
J.A. Aldridge: The fifth participant...
"Ricochet!" by Shiny Toy Guns begins to play... and the lyrics kick in:
"Welcome back to where I'm gonna have you. Shell shock fall back, anyone I see through. Watch your head spin like a mesocyclone, bouncin' off the walls now there's nowhere to run (OOH!)
Like a bullet meant to be shotttt.. you're the target dead on the spot. When I focus I never miss.. it starts with a kiss.. LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAA"As the line reaches the screaming
"She ricochets!" PKA bursts through the curtain to a mixed reaction from the crowd. He holds his arms out in a crucifix as he poses on the stage in his black jeans, white wife beater and black leather jacket. He brings his arms up in the air, fists touching, before dropping them to his side and continuing down the ramp.
J.A. Aldridge: From Wichita, Kansas, weighing two hundred and two pounds... P! K! A!
PKA looks lost, depressed, unhappy, as he walks down the ramp. He reaches the steps and walks up, then heads up onto the turnbuckle, and holds both arms out in a crucifix. He surveys the crowd with a look of sorrow on his face, before hopping into the ring from the turnbuckle. He takes off his leather jacket and shirt, and hands it over to the referee who takes it to ringside, and he then leans up against the corner.
Stephy Auger: The Ultraviolent Perfectionist. In his distinguished career, PKA hay have been in more deathmatches than
anybody.
Kris Cruise: And yet he always finds some new way to innovate, every time.
The wrestlers all already in the ring exchange glances as "Ricochet!" fades out. In its place the opening drum solo of "What’s Left of Me" by Redneck Remedy kicks off, the strobe lights thrumming with every beat of the kickers.
J.A. Aldridge: The sixth participant...
The silhouette of a person appears against the lights before they suddenly shut off and the whole arena goes dark for a moment. The guiter riff and the lights come back on simultaneously to show Whiskay Ayano is standing at the top of the ramp, a large, flowing robe bearing the Rebel Union insignia on the back of it covering her like a shroud and a bottle of liquor in hand.
J.A. Aldridge: Currently residing in Philadelphia, weighing one hundred and fifty-four pounds... she is one half of the 2015 Dynamic Duos winner and REIGNING FGA World Tag Team Champion!
Observing the audience she takes a large swig of booze while fishing a lighter out with her free hand. She flicks the lighter and spits out a large gout of flame.
J.A. Aldridge: WHISKEY! AYAAANOOO!
She starts her march down to the ring, doffing her ring jacket on the ramp before sliding in underneath the ropes, booze still in hand as she walks to her corner, calmly drinking and waiting for the match to begin. She starts to unhook the championship belt from around her waist... then changes her mind and decides to leave it on.
Stephy Auger: As we noted, the only competitor in tonight's match aside from the organiser Laurel Anne Hardy herself who was also in the first of these.
Kris Cruise: Ayano's not exactly what you'd call a hardcore specialist the way Hardy or Bond or PKA are. But over the last year or so she's been placing herself into matches like more and more, and she's been consistently impressing in them.
Stephy Auger: The Ayano family has produced some great deathmatch wrestlers, like her brother Vodka and their cousin Beer Beer. Violence definitely runs in her blood.
J.A. Aldridge: The seventh participant!
Knowing who the only person left is, the fans don't even need to wait for the music to start to begin their boos, which almost drown out the eerie cue up of "They Are Lost" by Last Remaining Pinnacle. It plays for ten seconds... then dies down, along with the lights. Suddenly the sound of drums and a electronic melody plays. The lights flash in red to the melody of the song. The song, "Can You Feel My Heart" by Bring Me The Horizon plays as a silhouette appears from out of the red.
J.A. Aldridge: From Flint Michigan, weighing two hundred and thirty pounds...
Rather than his usual attire, he's dressed in ragged blue jeans with old, worn kneepads over the top, and a black Nirvana T-shirt (the band, not the man!) with the sleeves torn off. He raises his left arm slowly, and with it the simple steel chair held in it, while he rolls his right arm upon which is his familiar single long black elbow pad. His nose is twisted with fresh, stitched up scars, and his top lip is scabbed over.
J.A. Aldridge: JIMMY... PAAAAAGE!
Fans boo him as he makes his way to the ring. He whips his hair our of his eyes as he snatches away from the extended hands, almost threatening to hit someone. Page stops from time to time, swearing at some of the fans who chant "FUCK YOU JIMMY!!" and "PAGE SUCKS!!!" getting in their face. As Page finishes his march of ridicule, he stops a few feet from the ring, staring up at the assembly of men and women inside it, all of whom stare back at him just as hard. With a shout, he tosses the chair over the ropes at them, and they all take a couple of steps back to avoid getting clobbered.
Stephy Auger: Look at Page's face - the wounds on his nose and lip. In a video earlier in the week we saw him smash his own face into a mirror! I'm not squeamish, I've called my share of bloody matches before, but
that was disturbing.
Kris Cruise: That whole video was terrifying. If Hardy and her artistic collaborators, as she called them, want raw violence... nobody brings that like Jimmy Page.
Stephy Auger: He may be the most dangerous individual not just in this match, not just in FGA, but the entirety of wrestling.
Page slides onto the apron on one knee and quickly gets inside. He goes to his right and climbs the turnbuckle and stands on top of it, swearing at the fans, pointing at himself, talking to them, taunting them, mocking them. He stands there for a moment, then routinely spits his gum at the crowd. Page leaps down, slides down into the corner, and sits on the middle turnbuckle. He rests his left hand on his cheek nonchalantly, waiting for the match to begin.
Stephy Auger: This is it. All seven now-
J.A. Aldridge: And the eighth and final participant!
Stephy Auger: Wait, what!?
J.A. Aldridge: Replacing Sofia King in this match...
Shock ripples through the crowd as they wait to see who the mystery entrant is. The competitors murmur to each other, making it clear they weren't expecting this either.
The arena holds its breath...
...a collective gasp goes up as blue and purple strobes begin to flash and the speakers play the opening drums of the last song anyone expected - CSS's "Jager Yoga"!
Kris Cruise: YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
Not a jaw in the auditorium remains closed - everyone's in shock from the fans to the commentators to the wrestlers in the ring. Nobody can seem to believe it's even real until the woman herself steps onstage.
J.A. Aldridge: From Staten Island, New York, weighing one hundred and ten pounds... ANNIEEEE ZELLOORRR!
Annie poses momentarily, 'flexing' her biceps for the fans, before jogging down the aisle, her arms outstretched to slap hands with the willing fans on the way down. As shocked as everyone is to see her, nobody is more shocked than her own tag team partner. Laurel slides out and takes Annie by the shoulders, asking her if she really wants to do this. It could not be said that Annie looks 100% confident, but she nods in determination nonetheless. Laurel, however, doesn't seem to want to let Annie into the match... until Page, now pacing impatiently, yells (perhaps mainly to himself) that it's not Hardy's decision to make. Laurel glances back at him narrowing her eyes, but even so, she steps aside and follows after Annie as both #Sparklebuddies slide into the ring.
As soon as they're both to their feet, the bell rings.
Hardy instantly pounces on Page, and the two unstable individuals begin rolling around on the canvas trading strikes. After a moment, both Annie and Whiskey come to Laurel's support, assaulting Jimmy with kicks and stomps. Meanwhile Chris and PKA start exchanging strikes of their own - at least until Artemis gets up behind Bond and yanks him back with her Canadian flag wrapped around his neck! As she wrestles him to the ground, PKA comes in to stomp on her, but then he's pushed back again by the meaty hand of Nirvana. As The Ultraviolent Perfectionist sinks against the ropes, the super-heavyweight clotheslines him with such force that both men are sent right over and they crash to ringside!
Stephy Auger: Absolute chaos from the word go, as we expected!
Kris Cruise: And Jimmy Page getting ganged up on from the word go too, which I think we also expected.
The former FGA World Champion is on the mat, suffering a three-on-one assault from Hardy, Zellor and Ayano. Laurel drops back on top of him and starts clawing at his nose, trying to rip his stitches, which makes Annie go pale for a moment. Swinging his arms madly, Page bats Hardy away - but before he can do anything else, Whiskey Ayano slams a boot into the back of his skull. Laurel goes right back on the offensive, shinily-varnished fingernails flashing as they scratch and jab at her recent enemy's face.
Kris Cruise: Whiskey helping #Sparklebuddies get some long-awaited revenge on Jimmy Page right now... but how long can that last? In just a few weeks she and Dexter Jacobs defend their World Tag Team Championship against Annie and Laurel, and even though they're all friends in that match, I'm sure they're going to take the opportunity to soften each other up a bit...
Stephy Auger: If they even need to. All eight of these wrestlers are going to be tenderised by the end of the night either way.
Artemis weaves the flag around Chris's legs, his arms, his neck, all at the same time as grapevining her left ankle and wrapping her forearms around his face for an unorthodox but extremely painful submission hold.
Stephy Auger: Artemis Kaiser, with that MMA background, is so skilled with submissions. Doesn't matter what angle she's coming from, she's got a choke or a joint lock she can pull out.
Kris Cruise: And Chris Bond wrapped up in that flag like a net! He's got absolutely no manoeuvrability. How's he supposed to create any separation, or find a counter-hold, when he literally can't even move his limbs!?
Stephy Auger: Well, I think that's the point for Artemis...
While one referee checks on Bond, asking him if he wants to submit, another is at ringside checking on PKA and Nirvana. The Midnight King grabs PKA by the seat of his jeans and his black-and-red dyed hair, and launches him into the railings!
Kris Cruise: Lawn Dart! Lawn Dart from Nirvana, and PKA's head goes right into that steel!
Stephy Auger: Notice that we have one referee in the ring, but we also have a couple more stationed at ringside. You heard J.A. Aldridge - this one can go anywhere in the building, and with eight people to follow, one referee is just not enough.
PKA stumbles back - right into the grip of Nirvana again. Nirvana lifts him and throws him crotch-first over the barricade with an atomic drop - but PKA manages to block it by getting both his feet onto the edge. He wastes no time in flipping over Nirvana's head and pulling him down in a neckbreaker!
Stephy Auger: But despite that ram into the steel, PKA has the wherewithal for the blockbuster!
The wherewithal... but not the strength, not to bring the enormous frame of Nirvana off his feet. Nirvana catches PKA as he comes down and swings him around into a spinning side slam - which PKA reverses into a sitout facebuster onto the bare floor! This time the big man goes down. As Nirvana pushes himself back up, PKA clocks him with a stiff enzuigiri before flipping up the curtain and dragging out whatever he can get his hands on.
In the ring, Artemis still has Chris locked up in her innovative submission. The Battle-Hardened Veteran is refusing to tap out, but Kaiser doesn't seem to care much; she just keeps cranking tighter and tighter as Bond tries to find some way to free his limbs. Finally, rescue arrives in the form of Annie Zellor kicking Artemis in the small of the back and forcing her to loosen her grip. Whiskey and Laurel are still working on Jimmy Page, now with him backed into the corner where they're alternating chokes with their feet pressed to his neck. Again, Laurel comes in looking to tear open his stitches, but Jimmy manages to send her away with an elbow shot, only for Whiskey to drop him to his ass with a boot to the temple, followed by finally tearing her World Tag Team Championship from around her waist and blasting him in the skull with it. As soon as she's steady Laurel charges back in with a low spear, crushing him against the bottom turnbuckle.
Stephy Auger: Page taking some serious damage in the opening minutes of this match.
Kris Cruise: This is a free for all, but if anyone in there has nobody to watch their back, it's Jimmy Page. I know he doesn't exactly care for friendship but it might cost him tonight, as he must be the biggest target in this thing.
While Whiskey and Laurel continue their attack on the former FGA World Champion, Artemis turns to Annie, and the look on her face says it all: we might be friends, but I ain't gonna have you breaking up my holds. The two young women circle, and Annie throws a high kick. Artemis ducks it and returns fire with a spinning backfist that drops the #Sparklebuddy to the mat. Kaiser reaches down to grab Zellor - but she's cut off as her own flag gets slipped around her neck from behind! Chris Bond pulls her in close and drops her with an assisted End of Days. But as he gets back up, Annie runs into him and leaps into a standing shiranui that brings him down on top of Artemis!
Kris Cruise: Huge move from Annie, doing some damage to two opponents at once! Her time in the tag division has obviously taught her some things about multi-person matches!
Stephy Auger: But bear in mind that unlike everyone else in this match, she's already wrestled once tonight, against no less a competitor than our former Mid-Atlantic Legacy Champion Noelle Smith. You have to wonder if she's fatigued.
A cheer goes up as PKA finishes dragging tables, boxes of light tubes, and chains out from under the ring, and extracts one last item: a ladder! He tosses it to one side, then takes a light tube out of a box and raises it into the air. He looks around as the fans holler - then smashes the tube over his own head!
Kris Cruise: Damn! PKA's crazy!
Stephy Auger: So's everyone in this match, mind you...
Peeks takes one of the shattered ends and heads back to Nirvana, and jams the jagged edge into the old man's back - but Nirvana shoves him away with a huge arm. PKA comes back swinging but Nirvana finds a huge rising lariat that flips the WARPED icon upside down! As PKA crashes into the floor, Nirvana dives a cross him with a splash, letting all of his three hundred and fifteen pounds crush the (much) smaller man into the ground. He rises, bringing PKA with him, and the two multi-time world champions start to trade blows, first Nirvana with a massive headbutt that sends PKA stumbling back. But he rallies with a superkick that judders the giant's masked jawline! The two men come close to each other again - which is perfect for Annie Zellor, who runs up the turnbuckles and vaults over them, sailing all the way down in a combined body press and elbow drop that sends PKA flying and Nirvana sagging against the guardrail!
Stephy Auger: Annie's not a hardcore wrestler - she's made that very clear, and I still can't quite believe she's even in this thing - but she definitely knows how to take a risk!
Back in the ring, Artemis pushes herself up and goes for a stomp on Bond. But Chris catches her leg and swings her into the canvas with a dragon screw, then keeps it applied to hit her with a kneebreaker. And then another, and another! After four kneebreakers in a row he lets her slip down to the mat, but still keeps the leg applied, and twists her into a Boston crab. But she rolls through with him, and pulls him down into an inside cradle! She doesn't bother holding it for the pin, instead just using it as an escape mechanism. She pops to her feet and swings a kick, but the pain in her leg slows it a little and Chris is able to backroll away from it. He charges her looking for a running lariat but instead he meets a pop-up kick to his chest! She follows the Chestburster by jumping up and hitting him with a lariat of her own, then hops back and measures him for a superwoman punch. She leaps into the Falcon Punch - but Chris catches her around the middle as she comes down towards him! He spins her around before she can react and throws her into a gutwrench powerbomb! But Kaiser rolls through and flips him off his feet and into the mat with a wheelbarrow facebuster!
Kris Cruise: Oh my god, she just got the better of the seventeen-year veteran!
Stephy Auger: There's that versatility of Artemis Kaiser working in her favour again. She's always got another answer up her sleeve.
With Bond down for now, Kaiser turns her attention to the only other people left in the ring: Whiskey Ayano, Laurel Anne Hardy and Jimmy Page. Artemis tears Whiskey away and wraps her up, planting her with a straightjacket suplex. Laurel turns to see what happened to her friend - and is almost lariated out of her bare feet by Page, who roars up from the corner looking like a demon's got him possessed. When she sees that he's still up despite all the punishment he's absorbed from Laurel, Whiskey and Annie, Artemis throws at him the first weapon she has to hand... which is Whiskey Ayano. Ayano bounces off Page and they both drop to their knees. Kaiser launches herself, leaping into the Enter the Dragon kick. But Page rolls and swats her past him, letting her get hung up in the ropes. He quickly grabs her head and drills it across his knee.
Stephy Auger: Page with a rope-assisted Paralyzing!
Kris Cruise: This man is a machine. All the damage he took so far in this match, and he's still running.
Stephy Auger: That's the power of the sheer fury that motivates him!
Chris pushes himself and sees Jimmy, his old enemy. He heads across to him but is met with a kick to the gut. Page drags Bond back in, shoving his head between his thighs... flips him up... buckle bomb! As he turns back to the ring again, Whiskey runs at Jimmy, but he catches her and flips her into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! And as he gets up on one knee, Laurel sprints towards him, dropping into a low spear. But Page pushes himself into a spin and brings his elbow into her head as she ducks low into him!
Stephy Auger: CONCUSSION! Page catches Hardy with the concussion!
She flops down, totally out of it, and he stands over her yelling and spitting in her face. He then crosses to the bag Hardy herself brought to the ring and upends it, dumping weapons all over the ring. He roots through them all, looking for fun things, and starts by selecting a pink drawstring bag. He doesn't even untie the ribbon; he just tears it open, shredding the bag, and flapping it around to let glitter-sprayed thumbtacks rain down all over the ring, landing across the canvas, across Laurel, across Whiskey, across Bondo, across Artemis. He follows that up by smashing a couple of light tubes into the mat, letting the broken glass go everywhere.
Kris Cruise: And Page reshaping the battlefield to be more to his liking now.
Something catches Jimmy's eye; it's the potted cactus a fan brought to the show to give to Laurel. He sets it down in the centre of the mat and picks Laurel up, positioning her above it... he lifts her into a double underhook, then smacks her face-first into the cactus with a sitout butterfly facebuster! Laurel rolls onto her side, tears of pain streaming down her face around the spines now wedged into her skin. Page slams a boot in to drive them in further, then rips off her suit jacket and tosses it away into the stands. As she slowly pushes herself up, Page whacks the pot off her skull, shattering it and sending ceramic shards, soil, and bits of cactus spraying across the ring.
Kris Cruise: Hardy the first to get seriously busted open, courtesy of that cactus. And spines still sticking out of her face like toothpicks or cocktail skewers...
Stephy Auger: Jimmy Page is bleeding too, from the lip, but I think it's just his own lack of self-preservation meaning he hasn't been bothered about protecting those scabs.
Page drags Hardy up by the arms, looks around at the booing fans with a curiously distant look in his eyes, and then kerb stomps her into the detritus-strewn canvas. The camera picks up a shot of Laurel as she rolls onto her side, blood welling up around cactus spikes, drawing pins and bits of clay and glass all stuck in her face. Deciding he's done with Hardy for now, Page drags Bond from the corner - but fails to deliver any offence as something cracks him over the back of the head!
Stephy Auger: Whiskey... in more than one sense of the word!
The King of the F'n World slumps down, his lights out. Ayano holds aloft her bottle of Fireball and tips it up, letting booze pour into her mouth from arm's reach. She swallows most of it, then spits what's left all over Page before kicking him under the bottom rope. Her eyes dart between Chris and Artemis, both of whom are slowly rising, and then to Laurel. Unbelievably, Laurel is trying to push herself up onto her knees... at least until Whiskey takes another drink and sprays it in her face! Laurel screams as the cinnamon-infused alcohol seeps into her many fresh cuts, and she rolls out to ringside.
She's too wrapped up in her own pain to take in what's happening just a few feet away - after taking PKA down with some stiff kicks and a spike huracanrana, Annie is lining up Nirvana, who's against the guardrail. She stomps her foot a couple of times, then rushes in and leaps into a spin to connect the Sparkle Princess Special! But Nirvana, combining his decades of experience with his incredible strength, tears the guardrail he's leaning against clean into the air and swings it towards Annie, who shrieks as she realises (too late) that her foot is about to smack into it. As she crashes down Nirvana heaves the barrier on top of her.
Stephy Auger: Ouch! He wants to be careful Laurel doesn't catch him doing things like that to Annie...
Kris Cruise: Hey, if Annie couldn't take it, she wouldn't have volunteered to replace Sofia King.
PKA's pulling himself upright on a section of the barricade which is still in its right place. Nirvana catches sight of it, and throws a big boot in his direction. But PKA darts aside! The Midnight King's ankle comes down across the steel, and PKA catches him with a kick to the hamstring. Behind him, Annie throws aside the guardrail on top of her and kips up - into a superkick from The Ultraviolent Perfectionist! PKA follows that up with a spinning heel kick to Nirvana's face, and the old man finally slides free from the rails, dropping to one knee. PKA turns back to Annie and lifts her up into the air in an elevated front facelock!
Stephy Auger: P-Krusher! P-Krusher I - right on top of that downed section of the guardrail!
He throws her up - this time Nirvana's big boot attempt hits home, blasting PKA square in the face! Peeks and Annie both crash down across the steel railing, and Nirvana tears another one off the row to drop it across them.
While this has been going on, on the other side of the ring, Artemis has rolled out to ringside and forcibly snatched a steel chair from an unlucky fan - who isn't happy about being left without a seat, but also absolutely does not want to incur the wrath of The God of Anger. Artemis has a bigger target in mind, anyway; she kicks Jimmy against the side of the ring and starts driving the chair into his ribcage over and over. He's left doubled over, trying in vain to suck in air to his screaming lungs - at least until Kaiser catches him with an elbow to the forehead. She pounds him with elbow shot after elbow shot, then delivers a series of echoingly stiff backhand chops to his chest, followed by a sole straight between his pectorals. Finally she places the chair against his head, and slams a high knee into it, crushing him against the apron!
Kris Cruise: First the #Sparklebuddies and Whiskey, now this from Artemis! Everyone wants to be the one to take down Jimmy Page.
Stephy Auger: The Hate Parade from Artemis Kaiser, one of the most devastating combos in the business - even when it's
not chair assisted like this one was at the end there! Page's brain must be mush right now.
Kris Cruise: Even moreso than usual...
Instead of the facewash that usually completes the Hate Parade, Artemis reaches onto the apron and grabs the LEGO rendition of Chris Q's head. She holds it up for a moment, then smacks it off Jimmy's skull so hard it smashes completely. Brightly coloured blocks that a moment ago were bits of the only three-time FGA World Champion's thick beard or trademark sunglasses go pinwheeling into the air.
Stephy Auger: I wonder if Q expected to see something like this when he returned to FGA...
Before continuing her assault on the now busted open Page, Artemis takes a moment to observe what's happening in the ring...
...Chris Bond goes for an STO on Whiskey Ayano, but Whiskey manages to spin and reverse it into a snapmare, which follows with a punt kick to the back of the head. Chris winces and flexes his arms in pain, but shakes his head and throws himself to his feet. Whiskey, undaunted, leaps into a gamengiri. Bond catches the leg and tries to muscle her down for a single-leg Boston crab, but Ayano rolls through, taking Bond with her, and as he rolls over and sits up and pops up into a low dropkick to the face. Bond falls to his back and Ayano leaps up again, this time bringing both heels down hard on his chest with a double foot stomp. She skids as she lands on his sweat-slicked skin - her bare feet suffering from a slight lack of grip thanks to the bits glass and pottery starting to get jammed into them - and falls, but she turns it into a senton across his chest. Bond reaches his legs up, hooking Whiskey under the armpits, and rolls her down onto her back. As he does so, we can see that some of the shards from her soles have transferred onto his chest, which is dotted with blood.
Kris Cruise: Laurel and Jimmy both crimson messes at this point, but slowly but surely the rest are starting to lose blood through odd scrapes and pinpricks as well...
Bond lifts Whiskey and goes for a suplex, but she manages to reverse it into a hiptoss - but he lands on his feet! He spins and drives a knee into her stomach, then muscles her into the corner. After treating her to a harsh headbutt, he raises her up so she's sitting across the top turnbuckle, then scoops up Jimmy's discarded chair and places just under her. After that, he crosses to Laurel's rucksack and pulls out... a coil of barbed wire! The fans go ballistic as he raises it up, then dumps it on top of the chair. Finally, he climbs up onto the second rope and grabs Whiskey by the head.
Stephy Auger: He's going for the Drunk Driver! He's looking to drive her face into the barbed wire and the chair!
Kris Cruise: If he hits that, we may just have a winner right here!
But Whiskey struggles and kicks, fighting back. Chris knees her in the stomach again, then headbutts her in the spine, before pulling her up into the butterfly hold. He lifts... she sandbags, trying to hook a foot around the top rope to block the move. Chris lets one arm go and smacks it into her back a couple of times, then tries again - and she pushes him off! She pulls him down and hooks his arms into a butterfly of her own, then leaps sideways off the turnbuckle to spin Chris down into the mat!
Kris Cruise: DRUNK DRIVER! TOP ROPE DRUNK DRIVER! She reversed the Drunk Driver into the... well, into the Drunk Driver!
Stephy Auger: Kinda weird that they both have a move of that name. And that they're both variants on a double underhook facebuster, no less.
Kris Cruise: Obviously there must be something universal about it.
As Chris rolls onto his back we can see that his face is now embedded with thumbtacks. Whiskey rises to her knees, trying to get some breath into her, but she drops herself backwards across Bond. The ref drops to count the first pin attempt of the match.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Artemis reaches under the bottom rope and drags Whiskey out, and slams an uraken into her. Whiskey stumbles back... but then returns fire with an uraken of her own! That makes Artemis see red, and she spins into another backfist... and another. And another! She hammers Whiskey with uraken after uraken until The Deep South Dragon is swaying and glassy-eyed. Kaiser gears up for the hardest backfist yet, to take Whiskey out of it. She spins - and is met with a glass coffee pot to the face! She almost falls to one knee as blood starts to gush down her face, and Whiskey drops her with one final uraken of her own. Whiskey pumps a fist as Artemis collapses - but she's grabbed from behind and thrown into a back suplex, and the back of her skull bounces off the guardrail!
Kris Cruise: PAGE! Page is back up!
Jimmy grabs Whiskey by the hair in one hand, and Artemis in the other. He cracks their heads together, then tosses one after the other against the ringpost. He pushes his blood-matted hair out of his eyes, then pats his elbow, getting ready to give whichever of Kaiser or Ayano is the first to stir a Concussion... until a figure dives through the corner of the ring and snaps him off his feet with a tornado DDT!
Stephy Auger: And now Hardy's back up too!
The creator of the match pops to her feet, screaming with... rage? Willpower? Pleasure? Perhaps a combination of all three... blood's dripping from her face and running down her neck, staining her white shirt red. She grabs Page again and digs her fingernails into his nose, and with a grimace, rips away his stitches! A fresh spurt of blood gushes out of his wounds, and Laurel helps things along by driving her knee into his mouth repeatedly.
In the ring, Chris Bond is getting some time to recover from the top rope facebuster into the tacks... but not enough time. Nirvana slides in and delivers stomps to the former Pride Champion's back. After that he lifts him up in a bearhug, and starts walking around the ring with him. Chris fights, but even he can't break the grip of the 6'8" goliath. As Chris eventually goes limp, Nirvana swings him up onto his shoulders.
Kris Cruise: Embrace Nirvana! The airplane spin into the spin-out facebuster!
Stephy Auger: Such a devastating move at the best of times, and Chris Bond's already had one huge face-first tumble into that weapon-littered ring.
The Midnight King spins The Battle-Hardened Veteran around and around at dizzying pace, and the fans count along with each rotation:
One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! TEN!Stephy Auger: Bond's brain may be about to shoot out of his ears!
At last Nirvana swings him up off his shoulders, and drives him face-first into the mat! The impact flips Bond onto his back, and we get a good look at his front, which is now covered all over in tacks and glass and blood. Nirvana moves across him for the cover, hooking a leg...
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
The count's broken by PKA leaping from the top turnbuckle and slamming a barbed wire cane across Nirvana's head! As the masked man rolls off Bond, PKA swings the kendo stick around his wrist like a baseball bat, and whaps it up into Nirvana's jaw before turning and dropping across Bond, pressing the cane across Chris's shoulders to keep them on the canvas.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Another break-up, this time from a slingshot shoot kick from Annie. She starts to drag PKA up off Chris, but he manages to push her away and catch her with an enzuigiri. She staggers to one knee, but comes back with a swinging kick - which Peeks ducks! As he comes up behind her, he drags her down by the shoulders across his knees, then flips her overhead so she lands face-first on one of the few intact light tubes still lying on the canvas.
Stephy Auger: Lungblower into inverted bulldog! That veteran experience of PKA at play.
Kris Cruise: And Annie going through that glass...
As she rolls aside, we can see that Annie is indeed bleeding - not that badly, certainly not as badly as Laurel, Chris, Jimmy or Artemis, all of whom are now sporting full crimson masks, but she's definitely got a couple of cuts on her. She seems to go blank as she realises this, and PKA turns his attention from her to Nirvana - but Nirvana lifts him up, throws him into the air, and drops him with a powerbomb into the corner, sending the WARPED icon's spine into the barbed wire and chair that Chris left there earlier!
Stephy Auger: Oh god! Looks like PKA wants to just take a minute out there...
Kris Cruise: I can't say I blame him.
Chris is finally staggering back to his feet now, having had time to shake off Embrace Nirvana. The masked giant who administered it charges at him - but Bond manages to sidestep and trip Nirvana, and the ageing giant lands face-first across the middle rope! He's left hanging there as Chris backs up... and Artemis leaps off the top turnbuckle right at The Battle-Hardened Veteran!
Kris Cruise: A flying Canadian! Kaiser's literally throwing herself right back into it after all that punishment from Whiskey Ayano and then Jimmy Page!
But Bond catches her! He catches her and uses her own momentum to swing her over into a powerslam - right onto Nirvana's back! The impact bounces Nirvana's neck off the rope again. The next to attack Bond is PKA, who powers himself out of the corner, but he's caught with a drop toehold that sends him crashing face-first into Artemis' midsection. Chris spreads his arms, and screams out:
Chris Bond: F! G! A! PROUD!
Then he backs up and launches into a flying crossbody sending him right across the ring, and all of his two hundred and forty-two pounds smash into the Nirvana-Kaiser-PKA sandwich.
Kris Cruise: Chris Bond has always been #FGAProud, and now she's welcoming our guests to our yard!
Stephy Auger: Nirvana's neck must feel like it's made of jelly right now.
As Chris rolls off the heap of bodies, Annie sprints past him and swings herself into the ropes, letting her feet carry all the way around and connect with Nirvana's face. The 315lb behemoth doesn't budge, especially not with more than his entire bodyweight on his back again from PKA and Artemis Kaiser, but the impact is still clear. Annie's left standing on the apron; she grabs ahold of the top rope and throws herself over it in a senton press that lands her across PKA's back... and across the light tube Chris just whipped under her! Her expression becomes one of pure shock as her lower back smashes the glass, and she rolls away in pain - though not as much pain as PKA, who's just taken yet another vicious shot to his spine. He rolls off Artemis, and she rolls off Nirvana, and he finally disentangles himself from the bottom rope, barely conscious after the Rough 'n' Tumble.
Chris covers PKA...
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-
Kickout. Chris rolls over and covers Artemis instead...
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-
Another kickout. Chris crawls on top of Nirvana...
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-
Kickout! Bond sits up, his breathing heavy, thinking about his next move. But he doesn't get much chance as Whiskey grabs the ladder and rams it through the ropes into his face, knocking him flat! She turns places the ladder over a corner of the guardrail. The fans nearby have an idea as to how that might go down, and they start to move back as Whiskey waves Laurel over. Laurel drags Jimmy after her, and both women pull him into a side wiastlock. Grunting and straining, they lift him up... double back suplex into the ladder! Page cries out as his kidneys meet the steel. As he stumbles back, Laurel slips a front butterfly around him then drops into her spike knee jab to the throat.
Stephy Auger: Winter Garden Photograph!
Laurel rolls over so she's sitting on Jimmy's chest, and waves a referee over. He drops to count...
ONE!
No good, as Ayano tears Hardy off Page.
Kris Cruise: Hah! She'll help her friend, but not to the extent of sitting back and watching her win the match...
Stephy Auger: I'm honestly shocked Laurel even went for a pin attempt; I'd have thought she'd've wanted to prolong Jimmy's suffering as much as possible.
Laurel shrugs and grins at Ayano, who nods and returns it - and then they both swing kicks at each other! Their feet collide and bounce back, and each woman hops away in a state of alertness. They lock eyes, each wondering who'll be first to move - but it's neither of them, as PKA backflips from the ropes in an Asai moonault that drags both women down to the floor in a DDT-like double takedown! Peeks kips up - staggering for a moment and holding his scarlet, welt-ridden back - then kicks a light tube into position on the floor. He picks up Laurel and drills her across it with a Michinoku driver, then stands and delivers a 180-degree spinning leg drop across her chest. He sits in place for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
Whiskey dives over to break it up. As she drags PKA to his feet, Laurel crawls away. Whiskey rams PKA into the guardrail, then pulls him back in a hanging position and starts raining elbow blow after elbow blow into his head.
Stephy Auger: The Sobering! This has been known to bust opponents open!
It's hard to tell if it's having that effect on PKA, given the red streaks in his hair already, but it's definitely dazing him... at least until it gets broken up by Artemis Kaiser, who leaps right over the ropes and into a back kick to Whiskey as she descends. Whiskey's left on all fours, and Artemis slams an axe kick into the back of her cranium.
Kris Cruise: Execution Kick! I don't know about busting open, but it can certainly give opponents concussions!
Not wanting to be left out of the party, Chris Bond slides out and decks Artemis with a huge right fist. Then he lifts PKA back up, swings him around, and places him so his ankles are on the bottom rope... then falls back, driving his head into the floor with the Retribution DDT! But Artemis is quickly on him, looking to lock in a triangle sankakugatame to choke the life out of him. All four of them - Whiskey, Kaiser, Bond and PKA - are in something of a muddle pile at ringside... which is convenient for their remaining opponents. Nirvana, still in the ring, drops to all fours and waves to Laurel, who is now in the ring too. Despite looking like she doesn't know where she is, she breaks into a run, stepping up off Nirvana's back and launching herself over the top rope with a poetry in motion that sends her crashing into her opponents and wiping them all out.
Kris Cruise: Nirvana and Laurel working together!
Stephy Auger: And did you see the air Hardy got on that leap!? That was unbelievable!
Whiskey staggers back against the ladder set up on the guardrail. She hears a shrill whistle, and looks up - just in time to catch a steel chair thrown to her from on high. Almost dropping it, and still feeling the effects of the Execution Kick, she just stares at it blankly... as Annie Zellor flies down from the top turnbuckle all the way to the outside with a missile dropkick, jamming Ayano's head between the steel of the chair and the steel of the ladder! The fans are on their feet cheering for the move, and Zellor takes a bow once she's back to her feet.
Stephy Auger: Annie might not be a hardcore wrestler but that was incredible! A missile dropkick all the way to the outside, sandwiching Whiskey between a hard place and a harder place, and the fans love it!
Kris Cruise: Don't forget that Annie and Whiskey will be on opposing sides of the ring yet again come Above & Beyond IV... I think Annie just reminded Whiskey of that fact.
Annie drops and covers Whiskey, hooking a leg.
Stephy Auger: Can Annie Zellor of all people be the one to walk out of this insanity with her arm raised!?
A referee slides in to count...
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
NO! The Drunken Joshi powers a shoulder up, gripping it onto the ladder to make sure it's really up!
Kris Cruise: Oh my god, what resilience from Whiskey Ayano!
Running her hand through her hair, Annie shakes her head, then crawls back into the ring - straight into a waiting big boot from Nirvana. He lifts her up and starts swinging her around and around in a side slam clutch... again, the fans count along with his rotations.
One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! TEN!On the tenth swing, Nirvana throws Annie out - and drops the back of her head against his knee! She collapses, her lights shut off, and he drops across her for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
No...
...but she doesn't kick out. Instead, Nirvana finds himself garotted from behind with a length of barbed wire!
Stephy Auger: It's Page!
Jimmy drags Nirvana to his feet by the wire around his throat, grinning at the sight of the barbs digging into the veteran's flesh. With a look of malicious, unhinged delight in his blood-rimmed eyes, Jimmy spins and drops Nirvana into the canvas with - what else? - his Nirvana neckbreaker. The giant is left spluttering and kicking. Page sits back up looking like he's going to inflict more damage on him...
...until his eyes flicker over to the still motionless Annie.
He smiles.
Kris Cruise: Oh no.
Stephy Auger: There is no way this can end well. When Jimmy Page gets that look in his eyes...
The former Pride and World Champion exits the ring, taking a moment to stomp each of his opponents still downed at ringside, then grabs a table PKA pulled out earlier. He pushes it into the ring and sets it up, then lifts Annie to her knees. She throws a weak punch at his gut, but he clobbers her in the back of the neck with a forearm to still her. He lifts her up between his knees... flips her up for a powerbomb, aimed squarely at the table... and then he shakes his head and turns to throw her into the turnbuckle instead. All the remaining air in her is ripped away as she collapses, but Page wastes little time in manhandling her across the top rope. He pulls the table closer, then tosses whatever weapons he can find - canes, chairs, light tubes, great handfuls of tacks and glass and bits of cactus. Then, finally, he climbs onto the top turnbuckle and drags Zellor up by the hair, and sets her up for another powerbomb.
Stephy Auger: You have to be kidding. He's going to kill her.
Kris Cruise: I could easily believe that that's his intention.
Stephy Auger: Somebody has to come to her rescue... Laurel, where are you!?
The camera answers that for us... Laurel is still lying at ringside, utterly wiped out.
Nobody comes to the rescue.
Camera flashes blink around the auditorium as Page leaps from the top rope and bombs Annie through the table. He sinks back against the bottom turnbuckle, resting his arms over the ropes, moving them only to wipe some of the blood from his face. Annie meanwhile is lost within a mound of splinters and glass and twisted metal. The referee comes to check on her, and quickly calls for a medic. Jimmy just watches it all from a couple of feet away, amused.
