Stone feedback thread

[Deleted]

Please note this will be the official feedback form for my character Sebastian Stone whom otherwise is known as "The Premier Attraction"

With that being said I'd like some feedback on my first ever Role-play with Stone. I'd like to get some thoughts on my role-play both positive and negative feedback is welcome, I just ask not to be too critical or two harsh.

- D

Chapter 001 - Seabstian Stone who?

[Deleted]

You've got the smarmy, entitled attitude going, which is nice, and finding a character voice is something you really have to do yourself, so I'd like to comment on some more technical things. You have a lot of repeated information throughout the scene, illustrated well in this exchange:

The Directors Assistant: “Mr. Sebastian Stone, I take it, name’s Randall, Randall King.”

[[The directors assistant Randall King says, as he extends his handout for a handshake in welcoming Sebastian onto the movie production set stage of the Apocalypse movie.]]

You've told us before the brackets who this man is, meaning repeating his job and name is unnecessary and, to me, damaging to immersion. You've also already told us where he is, so that's of debateable need to rehash. At the very least you don't need to tell us he's at a movie twice. If I was editing the scene I'd have it read closer to:

The Directors Assistant: “Mr. Sebastian Stone, I take it, name’s Randall, Randall King.”

[[He say, extending his hand in welcome to Sebastian.]]

The same info is communicated, but much cleaner.

[Deleted]

I get what you're saying on the repeated information part kind of over done. I appreciate the feedback Cyrith. Thanks indeed and the favor will be returned.

- D

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

Sup man. You can call me Chris or Flex (ppl here refer to me as both). I've been meaning to leave you feedback, but I just got around to reading your RP. So, here we go.

Things I liked/thought worked well:

-Showing your audience who the character is: Sebastian is brand new, so it was important for you to relay to the reader just exactly who he is. I think you did a good job doing that in this RP. He reminds me very much of a early WWE(F) HHH. We don't really have a person like than in FGA, so I think it will stand out.

-Presentation (on the page/screen): Everyone is different when it comes to formatting RP's. Yours looked very simple and crisp. Your color choices were nice and pleasing to the eye.

-Harland Watts: I liked the use of this NPC. There aren't a lot of use of managers in efedding. So, if used correctly, I think he would add lot to your RP's. 



*A couple of these are going to be grammar related. While these may not hurt your scoring here in FGA, there are things that could make your RP better to the reader. Also, these are things immediately stood out to me.

Things I think could be changed/improved upon:

-Add some semicolons: There were points throughout your RP where you used commas in place of semicolons. Here's an example:

God created happiness on December 6th 1985, that happiness came from when Genevieve Stone...

Those are two complete sentences. So, you need to add a period between "1985" and "that." Or, if you want to carry on with the sentence, put a semicolon in there.

-Dialogue: Sometimes you dialogue came off funny. After going back and reading, I noticed that in your dialogue you throw in commas, when there should be a period of semicolon in its place:

”Its name is Frontier Grappling Arts and you my friend will be debuting within it very soon from the looks of things, and I say that due to here’s yet another letter, though no other information on it other then be ready to be in action very soon...”

That almost reads like a big, run-on sentence (in my opinion). Perhaps try something like this next time:

”Its name is Frontier Grappling Arts, and you my friend will be debuting within it very soon from the looks of things. And, I say that due to  another letter [you received]; though, no other information on it other then be ready to be in action very soon.”

Now of course you'd punctuate things differently based on the character's inflections and such. But, this way is more natural to how a person might say the sentence. And, it helps the read out.

-Scene Two: Honestly, I'm not sure how much Scene Two really added to your story. From Scene One we know that Sebastian has money, power, and influence. And, I think your flow might have been a bit better without it.

-Match relevancy/shoot: I think you could have beefed this section up a bit. After reviewing it, I'd venture to say you maybe dedicated a paragraph and half to each opponent. I feel like perhaps you played it safe for this RP (and maybe because your opponents are new too). I just would liked to have seen more.


Well, those are my thoughts. I hope they help you out, or at least make you think about things.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the feedback Chris, and I will take it in with consideration, I did see what you meant with the run on sentences that's one of my biggest flaws to be honest, as for the match relevancy I indeed play it safe, not knowing much about my opponents even after having looked over their biography pages, I decided it was better that way. If I get the chance I do plan on writing up a second Rp but I want to see if they Rp or even show up no sense in writing a second Rp if they don't make any effort.

Also as for my NPC Harland Watts, indeed he will be seen throughout Stone's Rps. Also I'm actually still working on Sebastian's speech. As for the Triple H reference very awesome, I kind of see Stone as a younger version of Triple H when he first started out in the "E".

Thanks for the feedback, glad you enjoyed it. I indeed will return the favor when I get the chance bro, week has been busy to busy to say the least. Was going to start working on my second Stone Rp last night but I fell asleep next to my two month old baby daughter.