|
|
Post by Danny Diamond on Oct 16, 2014 20:03:39 GMT -5
Since I still feel I've got a long way to go in terms of my RPing ability, I figured I'd post a topic here asking people for feedback for my RPs. What did you guys think of my latest one? I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it. I couldn't think of anything to actually write about until this morning, but I guess I don't think it turned out horrible.
|
|
|
|
Post by LΞCAVALIΞR on Oct 18, 2014 8:03:38 GMT -5
You know the deal. This one will be a bit shorter though, as I don't have too many complaints.
Things I thought worked:
-The interaction between Mirage and Danny: I'm pretty sure I've seen this done somewhere before. However, I think you did a good job with this scene. You did a good job piecing out who Mirage is and how he thinks differently than Danny; I believe this is something you and I have talked about before.
Things I thought didn't work/could be improved upon:
-Multiple opponent shoot: Matches like yours are tricky because you've got so many opponents. For this RP, you choose to do the usual method, AKA "I'm going to mention everyone and only dedicate a paragraph to each." I'm not sure this became the tried and true method, but it has. That being said, you'd didn't do a bad job at all. BUT, as a former staffer/judge in other feds, these RPs always got a side-eye from me (creativity wise). In the future, maybe try another approach (I can give you some ideas I've used in the past that have been successful).
As always, just the thoughts of a black man. Hope they help.
|
|
|
|
Post by Danny Diamond on Oct 18, 2014 8:27:40 GMT -5
Thanks. And yeah, I didn't really like what I was doing for the shoot, calling each person out and what not, but I didn't really know how to go about it in any other way. I'm glad you enjoyed the conversation portion, though. I was kinda worried about how that'd be received.
Anyone else got any notes?
|
|
|
|
Post by Danny Diamond on Oct 24, 2014 7:18:18 GMT -5
fgawrestling.proboards.com/thread/4082/venomThoughts on my most recent RP? I kinda like it, but I kinda don't. Not sure how I feel about it, to be honest. I look forward to seeing what my partners and opponents put up, though.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2014 11:20:15 GMT -5
I really liked the first half, the off camera bit. Sells how nut bags Mirage is. I liked the bit where you called out Chaz, have to say I feel unsure about your reaction to Johnny and Dom. It's certainly in character for Mirage, he doesn't care, but it feels like he's setting up to be against the other two, rather than team.
|
|
|
|
Post by Noelle Smith on Oct 25, 2014 7:33:30 GMT -5
This is a promise to feedback on this latest RP - after the show goes up, judging is done and whatnot.  IF you do happen to do a second one, I will feedback for that too as a bonus. |
|
|
|
Post by Danny Diamond on Dec 17, 2014 1:51:38 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2014 18:14:20 GMT -5
In this last rp I enjoyed the walk down memory lane. I knew a little about Mirage from the brief time we were in PDW together (or I kept reading after I left, whatever) but you brought his violent past to the forefront instead of the fleeting mentions you've done previously. And you did so in a refreshing manner instead of just saying "FLASHBACK"; basically the interactions between Danny and Mirage helped build each flashback.
Your promos are getting better each time. You're learning not to stray too far off course and to steer clear of the cliches and certain pitfalls that some psychotic characters fall into. Keep on truckin'.
Now, after that street fight, Mirage is possibly up there as one of the most dangerous men in FGA today and he dethrones one of the most successful champions of 2014. If you can think of a way to capitalize on that and use it to carry Mirage forward into the new year.
|
|
|
|
Post by Danny Diamond on Mar 7, 2015 8:22:33 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Danny Diamond on May 13, 2015 12:30:36 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by LΞCAVALIΞR on May 14, 2015 10:28:26 GMT -5
Hello there. I came to read the Gold Rush RPs and ran across your feedback request; therefore, I will provided you with some. I'm not going to separate things like I normally do; I'll just throw it al out there ok.
Thoughts
Formatting: At first I thought it was a bit weird. Many people tend to leave the narration alone and simply bold the dialogue; you did the opposite if I'm not mistaken. As I kept reading, I began to appreciate the format more; it's pleasing to the eyes for the most part. You did well with color choice as well.
Scene One: I enjoyed the first scene of the RP. It a pretty simple flashback, and it gives the reader of background/context info on your character's past. It was well written to boot.
I do have one issue with it; it could just be me, so take it with a grain of salt. Now, while the piece was good on it's own, I'm not sure exact ally how it connects with the character right now, or with the match in general here. I guess what I mean to say is the CD and Shoot didn't feel very connected to me. To me, it's almost like you were trying to tell two different stories, instead of one cohesive RP...does that make sense?
That Shoot Tho': For the most part, I thought the shoot was perfectly fine. I've read your work before and know that you aren't a long shooter; therefore I felt this length was perfectly fine for you. One like I liked was the fact that you stated that being behind the camera was knew to Andrew; it kind of gives him that "wrestler's wrestler" feel that I believe you are trying to convey.
One thing I thought that was interesting was the juxtaposition between what Andrew was saying in his head and what was coming out through the camera. I don't know how others feel, but I like that technique; maybe play around with that some more.
If I were you, I would have added in a small section kind of explaining what winning the match (or doing well) would have meant to Andrew. A section like that would have fit well between those last three paragraphs. Again, that's just me though.
Overall
I thought it was a good RP. It was well written, looked pretty clean, and nothing glaring jumped out at me.
|
|
IF you do happen to do a second one, I will feedback for that too as a bonus.