Charlie "The Ghost" Rossi Roleplays Feedback

[Deleted]

A few thoughts and feedback on Charlie Rossi would be great and thank you in advance.

Charlie Rossi

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

Things I think you could improve upon:
-Your mixing of dialogue and narrative: I think your RP is a bit hard to read. I'll give you an example.

Captain Darren Taylor: So, what will it be Rossi? Are you going to talk or do we have to continue this assault? (((:: Charlie Rossi snickers while shaking his head at Office Taylor. Darren snaps his fingers and two uniformed men walk in and begin there countless assaults on the helpless defenseless Charlie Rossi who is laughing as the two men put the boots to the fallen man. The men stop and exit as Captain Taylor shakes his head and pulls Charlie Rossi out of the chair and sees that the man's face has become a bad scene of swelling and purplish brusing.)) This could all end right now Charlie if you would just tell us the truth about the death of Peter Moore. There is a paper in front of you with a pencil. You right your confession down now and this pain and anguish will all stop now. (((:: Charlie Rossi while shaking uncontrollably takes the pencil in his hand and scribbles something on the paper and then pushes it across the table where Captain Darren Taylor is sitting. Obviously, something really strikes a cord in the captain as he leaps from his chair in frustrated anger and strikes Charlie Rossi three times across the face opening a gash under his left eye. In rushes a woman dressed in a two piece business suit and her auburn hair tied up in a French twist. She grabs at the chains on Charlie's wrists as she is smitten with anger and lashes out at Captain Darren Taylor. ))

Everything is jumbled together. While the writing is clear, you aren't making it easy for the reader. Here is a format that might make things a bit better.

Captain Darren Taylor: So, what will it be Rossi? Are you going to talk or do we have to continue this assault?

Charlie Rossi snickers while shaking his head at Office Taylor. Darren snaps his fingers and two uniformed men walk in and begin there countless assaults on the helpless defenseless Charlie Rossi who is laughing as the two men put the boots to the fallen man. The men stop and exit as Captain Taylor shakes his head and pulls Charlie Rossi out of the chair and sees that the man's face has become a bad scene of swelling and purplish brusing.

Captain Darren Taylor: This could all end right now Charlie if you would just tell us the truth about the death of Peter Moore. There is a paper in front of you with a pencil. You right your confession down now and this pain and anguish will all stop now.

Charlie Rossi while shaking uncontrollably takes the pencil in his hand and scribbles something on the paper and then pushes it across the table where Captain Darren Taylor is sitting. Obviously, something really strikes a cord in the captain as he leaps from his chair in frustrated anger and strikes Charlie Rossi three times across the face opening a gash under his left eye. In rushes a woman dressed in a two piece business suit and her auburn hair tied up in a French twist. She grabs at the chains on Charlie's wrists as she is smitten with anger and lashes out at Captain Darren Taylor.

This format looking a lot cleaner, and is easier to read.

-Lack of match relevance: Your First RP didn't seem to mention anything about Rossi being or wrestler, or that he had a match coming up. Scene 2 in the second RP mentioned that match slightly; but it can be improved upon as well. I mean, you didn't even mention your opponents by name. I actually had to go to the match listing to see who you were facing.

-Backstory: You did a good job giving us the background on your character. But, I'm not sure all of your CD was really relevant. If I were you, I'd break my RP's up into three parts. Part 1 would be flashback/backstory, Part 2 would be what he is doing now, and Part 3 would be the shoot.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. Hope they help.

[Deleted]

Riley pretty much covered everything I was going to suggest. I don't really have much more to add other than just making sure your roleplay flows smoothly.

I look forward to seeing how your next roleplays are written, I do like your character though Rossi.