Feedback: The Shoot

[Deleted]

Could I have some feedback on this?

[LΞCAVALIΞR]

Here are my thoughts...

Things I thought could be improved upon: 
-Normally I gloss over spelling-errors, but you had three or four that jumped up and smacked me in the face off. It's not a big deal, but just something that we all can improve upon.

-These passage stood out to me

"You probably don't know me but after tonight you're not going to forget me."



The recognizable deep voice of Mark Storm echoes through the empty Asbury Park arena as the cameras fade into the scene.

Well hold on now! If we (the audience) don't know you, then how is your voice "recognizable?"

-Lastly, you didn't talk much about Daniels. While I didn't love hearing a bit about Storm's origins, I feel like you didn't hype the match enough. Now I don't know; you could be planning to post a second RP. But based on the averaging-system here, you gotta make each RP count. So in my opinion, a bit more match relevance would help your RP out.


Things I liked/thought worked in your RP:
-You did a swell job explain Storm's backstory, why he is in FGA, and why you should pay some attention to him. I hope you could back and explain some of his story (in detail) in further RP's.

-Your RP was concise and focused.

-Overall, your story was very well-written. It had good pacing and a good flow as well.


Well, those are my thoughts. I hope they help a bit.

[Deleted]

I should probably edit that haha; make a few grammar fixes and what not.
Thanks man!

[Deleted]

I was actually going to do a follow up RP, more focused on the match and stuff.