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Post by shaunsindelman on Jan 1, 2014 20:41:12 GMT -5
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Post by Jerry on Jan 2, 2014 9:25:14 GMT -5
So different from what Blayze had become, which shows your diversity as a writer.
i like the fact that he comes off raw, even a little unsure of himself. I liked the banter with him and the camera man.
Some people might take issue with him calling out the champs on his debut, but I think it sets up more of his development than him trying to get an immediate title shot. It shows a clash of ideals between him and the mega heels of Page and Q.
My interest is peaked on how he develops over time.
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Post by shaunsindelman on Jan 2, 2014 9:42:05 GMT -5
So different from what Blayze had become, which shows your diversity as a writer. i like the fact that he comes off raw, even a little unsure of himself. I liked the banter with him and the camera man. Some people might take issue with him calling out the champs on his debut, but I think it sets up more of his development than him trying to get an immediate title shot. It shows a clash of ideals between him and the mega heels of Page and Q. My interest is peaked on how he develops over time. First off, thank you Jerry for the feedback. And yes, all that is pretty much what I went for -- a guy who is more or less out of wrestling school and worked some indy dates but hasn't had the complete experience that a lot of other people on the roster have had to hone their mic skills. You say camera man for now but maybe in the next segment, I'll make it clearer that Joey is Matt's friend and will put him ON camera so we see their rapport a little better. And the calling of the champs is not directed at getting their ire up enough for an immediate title shot but rather as you said, making it clear he does not agree with them and that one day he will work his way to being on their level for a shot at their gold. All in all - Matt is a mark for the sport and the names associated with it so chances are he will fawn over the faces and despise the heels each and every promo. |
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Post by LΞCAVALIΞR on Jan 2, 2014 11:26:08 GMT -5
I'd like to offer a few thoughts if I could.
First off, this piece was very enjoyable. I think your writing is enhanced by the fact that you are using Chuck Taylor as your as; I could see Chuck doing something like this.
Humor: Anyway, the RP was witty and funny, but it didn't cross the line. I've read RP's where the humor and wittiness is just too much.
Calling out the Champs: Now, normally I'd be against this; we've all seen the "I'm coming for you" intro RP's. I had that feeling during my 1st read through of your RP. But, then I read back and re-read the RP a few times.
I think the way you handled it was pretty good. For one, you didn't dedicate a lot of words to Page and Q; lot of times people will really go hard at the champs.
But again, overall-very good.
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Dave
Established Name
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Post by Dave on Jan 2, 2014 12:57:53 GMT -5
I haven't seen you write a babyface in some time, and I loved your work as heel Johnny Blayze, so I was really looking forward to what you can do with Matt.
Very well written rookie face. As the guys above mentioned, I don't really mind him calling out the champs, because he's not the "I will destroy you like nothing" monster but a young kiddo trying to stand up for what he thinks is right.
Also, the banter with the camera man was indeed very funny.
Looking forward to reading more of this character.
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Post by shaunsindelman on Jan 11, 2014 22:52:16 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2014 23:49:24 GMT -5
I thought it was an interesting read. There were a few things that irked me a little bit, but I'm a bit of a nitpicker. You made it a point to note what was "off-camera" but when you start your segment that I assume was "on-camera" all you had noted was "----" Now, I'm not a dumb ass, and I'm pretty sure your shoot was on camera, but it was just something I noticed.
Also, are you going for grammar or effect with Summers?
You have lines that read, "Some douchey guy named Joshua Black." showing the emphasis of his accent and form of speech, but then follow it up with the line, "Exactly. Anyways, let me go. I'll hit you up later." Once again, forgive me for being a nitpicker, but in using a word like 'douchey' I expected the next line to read 'Exactly. Anyways, lemme go. I'll hit you up later.'
I follow this up by pointing out a part of your shoot where it was written 'Isn't that _really_ what matters in this sport after all.' and 'he _does_ have his victory over Dandy Holiday to stand upon.' The "_really_" and "_does_" show your emphasis, but it doesn't match up with the careful grammar that you spent so much time enforcing in the rest of your rp. There is certainly nothing wrong with using the spelling to your advantage i.e. to show an accent, or a specific way the character speaks, but to contradict that by using perfect grammar in the rest of the rp threw off the vibe a little. At least, that's just my opinion.
I know debut rp's are a bitch, seeing as you have no ground or premise to show in the company, but I enjoyed the rp overall. I liked the retort between Joey and Matt, and had a couple really good chuckles. I think you have a good start here, just a few things I would look at tweaking if I were you. Which I'm not. So, what the hell do I really know right? Keep up the good work.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2014 7:31:45 GMT -5
If I'm reading it correctly "Some douchey guy named Joshua Black." is spoken by his friend, Joey, not by Matt.
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Post by shaunsindelman on Jan 12, 2014 10:58:35 GMT -5
That's correct, Benny. And pardon me, Max but I'm not following your thoughts when I say _really_ and _does_ other than yes it's for effect. And yeah you're right - it should've been "lemme go" if Joey was using the term "douchey" a line prior.
Thanks for the insight guys and yes Max, it's all things I'll look at with a finer tooth comb the next time over.
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Post by shaunsindelman on Jan 21, 2014 21:17:06 GMT -5
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Post by shaunsindelman on Feb 11, 2014 18:56:25 GMT -5
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