Feedback for November Show #1 DVD

[Deleted]

Aka "And his wife, Evelyn Inchcock".

BTW, Q, I'm going to be putting in your study this week in its thread this week. Sorry I have missed deadline, but everything has been more hectic than usual.

Madman and I are working towards a major story arc and wanted to give the FGA a re-introduction to everyone to help give a good background to help those participating in the character study, but lead into the story arc.

I did the additional CD segment that involved Gina to try to give her some "camera" time and start introducing her slowly as the rookie desperate for a "home". The shoot sadly was a throwaway for me this week...

[Chris Q]

The opening is all over the place. I like the idea you start with. “Everyone seems to forget about what brings you to where you are right this moment… We all want to be something, no matter what it is…” but then you start describing match types, then you talk about family members, but none of it seems focused at all.

“She spoke Spanish, she acted like one of those Real Housewives of Miami and those Spanish Soap Operas, she would cuss you out in Spanish with a ferocity of Rosie Perez, and she beat the fuck out of you if you were on the opposite side of the ring with her… But her spirit, truly pure… But back then, she was Mama and that kick ass aunt who had no problem splurging on your ass because your love was as overflowing as your bank account…”
- This needs to be broken up into separate sentences and you don’t need the “…” Is this supposed to be one sentence? One thought? It’s difficult to read and just needs a little editing.

“I was already becoming an athlete… Watching my father either live or on film, and watching Rob… Knowing what I could do…”
-This style of writing, speaking in fragments, just isn’t working for me. For me, it reads more like rambling than coherent thoughts.

“I aspired to be my father, my mother, and my uncle…”
- Finally, I got to this. I was struggling to see the connection or relevance to any of the information before this. Still, you might have included this earlier to let us know why we are reading about people that aren’t your character.

“I remember the day quite well. My father and I had to plan against my mother. Because I was becoming an official student, I had to go through the legal paperwork like everyone else. Dad had to hide the file, keeping it on him almost at all time somehow that day. My mom thought I was there to just use the gym equipment, but I was enrolled. Dad felt that I had to show my mother that I could do it, and there was no other way…

I remember when he had all of the students introduce themselves the first day. Dad was the type to have the first day be more of a day of camaraderie… We were training together, learning the art… He wanted everyone to know each other. I was bench-pressing at the time, simply just names being called. I had stopped just as soon as they got to the last person, sitting up. Then, I introduced myself…

My mother’s face went pale. She acted cool, right up to the point where Rob took over to talk about the physical requirements and what we were getting ourselves into. She pulled Dad aside and chewed his ass…the fuck…out… It was actually hysterical, because I was not even paying attention to Rob. All I could see was my Dad holding his forehead, face-palming like he was getting yelled at by a lunatic that was all bark and no bite…

But when we got to day two, and Dad having to sleep on the couch…I finally showed my ability. Mom had to eat crow as the months progressed on… It was actually pretty funny to hear Dad rub it in her face at night. Curse my soul, but I joined in a few times. She had no choice but to accept that I was the Second Generation…”

-This whole story could have been cut out in my opinion. It doesn’t tell me very much and it isn’t particularly interesting. You could have just jumped right to the part where start talking about the girl.

But then you stop talking about her right away. Again, it just seems lack there is a lack of focus on anything in this writing. All the talk about the other promotions, why? It’s not doing anything for me as a reader or your character in the present moment.

Finally, in the last couple lines of this first portion it seems like you are getting back to some semblance of a narrative. The entire first part could have been cut or significantly edited in my opinion.

My biggest piece of advice for you would be this: when you sit down to write your RPs, you need to have a much more concise focus. You talk about so many different things and tell so many stories from the past that it’s hard to keep reading at times. Really make sure you read over your writing and decide what you absolutely need to keep and what is just filler. This is only the second Graham Clauson RP I’ve read, but there was far too much fluff that could have been cut out. I don’t care about every person from your character’s past.

“He gave her the last Buffalo Chicken wrap we had, the bastard… I wanted that shit.”
- I laughed. Very funny line.

I enjoyed the scene way more than the opening stuff. Even though very little happened, at least reading the dialogue gave me a little bit more insight to the characters.

The shoot at the end was solid too. I wish this RP would’ve just been the scene and the shoot, without any of the anchor at the beginning. Your writing quality is pretty good, but you have to clean up the fragments. I don’t know if you’ll lose matches here because of it, but it’s certainly a challenge as a reader to wade through it.

[Deleted]

It will all come together as things come along. I know where your coming from on the fragmentation; it was actually intended. It's a rambling of sorts, but it all will come into full circle as it unfolds.

Madman and I agreed when we started this to slowly introduce mostly absent characters within our circle back in like it used to be. To do that, I had to find a way to give their history without going completely TL;DR on everyone, but I can see also where the fragmentation was even jumbled after reading it after your feedback. I will work on preventing that on the next installment.

Thanks for the honest opinion. I strive to be the best at anything I do, so this helps me fine tune how things are presented.