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Post by shaunsindelman on Jul 30, 2013 11:19:30 GMT -5
What did everyone think of the first joint RP between Blayze and Chaths?
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The Rogue
Established Name
The-Raise-The-Bar-Superstar
Posts: 330
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Post by The Rogue on Jul 30, 2013 20:54:19 GMT -5
Absolutely brilliant in my opinion. Captured your characters well and said exactly what koolstorm are haha.
NIce work.
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Aug 11, 2013 20:25:29 GMT -5
I'm dropping feedback on this one because it allows me to kill two birds with one stone.
First of all 'Bloodbath and Beyond' is the greatest tag team name of all-time. Period. Debate over.
Small critique to start, because that's how I am: "The flickering flames cause a glare on his shiny, shaved head giving him an archangelic presence." This is a bit heavy-handed, I would've said the glare resembled a misshapen halo. That way you get both the religious bent you're looking for while also portraying a sense of disharmony.
I love the cultish/pseudo-religious rhetoric. You don't a great job of intoning Jeudo-Christian concepts of purging by fire into your shoot.
"Chaths: Respect. Achieve. Ascend. This false Holy Trinity has numbed the minds of every single employee of this company into believing that this is all it takes to be successful. Fear. Blood. Power. These are the traits that success truly honors. " - Top 10 lines I've read in FGA. Beautiful. Poetic. Sucicent. What a lot of people don't realize about heels is that they aren't "bad" for the sake of being bad. They're bad because their worldview has been retarded in some way. This captures that disjointment perfectly.
This shoot is well-crafted and excellently executed (see what I did there?). My only critique is the self-reference to being "evil." The best heels don't see themselves as evil. Bloodbath and Beyond talk of themselves as liberators. Liberation isn't an "evil" concept. There's a disjoint there. I would avoid self-reference as evil or anything else negative. Bloodbath and Beyond believe in the purity and rightness of fire, blood and violence. To them these are "good" concepts.
All in all a really great RP.
- V
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Post by Stephen on Aug 15, 2013 18:31:33 GMT -5
I'm dropping feedback on this one because it allows me to kill two birds with one stone. First of all 'Bloodbath and Beyond' is the greatest tag team name of all-time. Period. Debate over. Small critique to start, because that's how I am: "The flickering flames cause a glare on his shiny, shaved head giving him an archangelic presence." This is a bit heavy-handed, I would've said the glare resembled a misshapen halo. That way you get both the religious bent you're looking for while also portraying a sense of disharmony. I love the cultish/pseudo-religious rhetoric. You don't a great job of intoning Jeudo-Christian concepts of purging by fire into your shoot. "Chaths: Respect. Achieve. Ascend. This false Holy Trinity has numbed the minds of every single employee of this company into believing that this is all it takes to be successful. Fear. Blood. Power. These are the traits that success truly honors. " - Top 10 lines I've read in FGA. Beautiful. Poetic. Sucicent. What a lot of people don't realize about heels is that they aren't "bad" for the sake of being bad. They're bad because their worldview has been retarded in some way. This captures that disjointment perfectly. This shoot is well-crafted and excellently executed (see what I did there?). My only critique is the self-reference to being "evil." The best heels don't see themselves as evil. Bloodbath and Beyond talk of themselves as liberators. Liberation isn't an "evil" concept. There's a disjoint there. I would avoid self-reference as evil or anything else negative. Bloodbath and Beyond believe in the purity and rightness of fire, blood and violence. To them these are "good" concepts. All in all a really great RP. - V Appreciate the feedback here, Vinny. The misshapen halo advice is spot on and I totally agree. I was actually having trouble finding the right adjective to use in front of halo so I tried to go around using the word "halo" at all. I agree that liberation isn't an evil concept by nature, but Bloodbath Beyond's idea of "liberation" is to "free" people from what they know (mostly by force) and subsequently have the liberated follow them into the new regime where they'll be at the helm. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2013 7:20:32 GMT -5
You did more research on Graham with one line than any opponent we've had in the past two years.
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Post by shaunsindelman on Oct 22, 2013 13:56:23 GMT -5
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Post by shaunsindelman on Dec 20, 2013 22:41:10 GMT -5
What did everyone think of Beyond Friday?
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 21, 2013 17:35:27 GMT -5
What did everyone think of Beyond Friday? Hopefully this doesn't come off too harsh, but to be perfectly honest, I thought it was a little much. The idea of TCoB setting up some little rally outside of a Black Friday line just seems so staged and forced. Black Friday was over a month and 2 shows ago, why would we be seeing this footage now? Was the tag title match even announced before Black Friday (I honestly don't know, but I think it was the 11/26 update so probably)? I think the tone comes off pretty flat, too. What is new about this whole spiel from Blayze? It sounds like the same message with different window dressing. Which isn't to say it is bad, it's just boring. And the crowd getting into it? In NYC? They'd be more likely to open fire on TCoB than to listen to anything Blayze has to say. Also, the crowd starts chanting "BLAYZE!" but Blayze never introduced himself. My biggest issue with TCoB is I don't "get" the message. What are they fighting for? Blayze has a lot of little catchphrases - the beast will be fed, you will fear the dark - but what does that mean? TCoB puts up this front that they are a Church, or a religion (both?) but everything in Blayze's rhetoric returns to pro wrestling. Not a hell of a lot of people care about pro wrestling. If they were truly looking for answers in TCoB, the "truth" they're spreading would need to be more universally applicable. And that's where Beyondism - and Blayze as a character - loses me. It's not a religion, it's a gimmick, and I think that comes across really clearly in this piece. |
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Post by shaunsindelman on Dec 21, 2013 17:39:08 GMT -5
Ouch thanks for the honesty
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 21, 2013 17:51:14 GMT -5
Sorry, I'm not good at phrasing a lot of my critiques. I hope you take in the spirit in which it was meant. I think you're a talented writer and I think there's a lot of potential for TCoB, but this RP didn't do it for me. I know it's tough to set up for a joint RP and then try to tailor it down.
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Post by shaunsindelman on Dec 21, 2013 23:23:50 GMT -5
Here's a more insightful response... Yes you're absolutely right that it was initially set up to be a joint RP and maybe together Blayze and Chaths would've sold the premise better. As for The Church setting up a rally, it wasn't outside of a Black Friday line but rather on a street in the city with shoppers going by. As for it being over a month ago and two shows ago, The Church was not on the last show so they could've taped this in advance for this particular promotional moment. And I do believe the match was announced by the time Black Friday rolled around. I guess you can say the tone was flat and I won't argue you on it. Most cult figures are very one track in their message, aren't they? As for the crowd firing on him, I used to live in NYC and have witnessed stuff like this in person - mostly from the Black Israelites group - and never seen anyone truly get up in arms to the point of shooting or violence. And as for the crowd chanting Blayze's name without being introduced, I made it clear in the scene setting that he was mid-rally so he would've been intro'ed at the top which was before the cameras turned on for broadcast. I guess the big picture The Church is about is destruction and fear and rallying people to embrace their inner hatred and strike out against oppressors. Finally, Beyondism is a religion as much as whatever the Branch Davidians or Heaven's Gate believed in was a religion - its more cult and brainwashing than literal "word of god" that would rank up there with the big 3 out there. Hope that helps clarify better and know that I wasn't taking anything to heart. At the end of the day, whether you or anyone else likes what I'm doing is not why I do this but rather to tell a compelling story which I know has been reported to be happening from time to time. What did everyone think of Beyond Friday? Hopefully this doesn't come off too harsh, but to be perfectly honest, I thought it was a little much. The idea of TCoB setting up some little rally outside of a Black Friday line just seems so staged and forced. Black Friday was over a month and 2 shows ago, why would we be seeing this footage now? Was the tag title match even announced before Black Friday (I honestly don't know, but I think it was the 11/26 update so probably)? I think the tone comes off pretty flat, too. What is new about this whole spiel from Blayze? It sounds like the same message with different window dressing. Which isn't to say it is bad, it's just boring. And the crowd getting into it? In NYC? They'd be more likely to open fire on TCoB than to listen to anything Blayze has to say. Also, the crowd starts chanting "BLAYZE!" but Blayze never introduced himself. My biggest issue with TCoB is I don't "get" the message. What are they fighting for? Blayze has a lot of little catchphrases - the beast will be fed, you will fear the dark - but what does that mean? TCoB puts up this front that they are a Church, or a religion (both?) but everything in Blayze's rhetoric returns to pro wrestling. Not a hell of a lot of people care about pro wrestling. If they were truly looking for answers in TCoB, the "truth" they're spreading would need to be more universally applicable. And that's where Beyondism - and Blayze as a character - loses me. It's not a religion, it's a gimmick, and I think that comes across really clearly in this piece. |
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 22, 2013 13:34:16 GMT -5
The opening fire on them thing was a joke - I'm from Boston so my view of NYC is tainted.
Fucking yes. That is fantastic, but that's what I mean when I say the tone came off flat. I didn't get that in reading Blayze's sermon. Maybe it's just me (I've been told it's me by many ex-girlfriends). It all makes more sense in hindsight but I still think the message gets muddled in the rhetoric.
But like I said, it could just be me.
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Post by shaunsindelman on Dec 22, 2013 13:49:59 GMT -5
Well with the help of Jerry, i think the message will come off better over time. He and I just spoke over IM and his philosophy major background will surely clean things up. So look for that in the months to come while The Church restructures off-camera.
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