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Post by Jerry on Jun 2, 2013 13:09:26 GMT -5
Any feedback on "Cease & Desist"?
Not much for character development, perhaps minus Tiffany.
This was something that I thought of to bring some focus on to her the other day, but didn't want to tack on to that first rp as it would've been looooong.
I really didn't plan on posting it without a response from the Motto, but next week is going to be so busy for me that I decided to go ahead and do it - with a little push from Benny. lol
Anyway, I just hope you found it mildly entertaining as that's what I was aiming for.
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Post by Jerry on Jun 14, 2013 9:22:47 GMT -5
So - posted my latest rp last night.
I probably should have finished it this morning as I got tired during proof reading it and said "Ahhh fuck it." There's still some typos in there.
Facing Jon ... KYLE!!! (Still a noob here, obviously...) is definitely a game changer for me in the quality of rps that I'm up against. Part of me still feels a bit rusty coming back into this crazy game.
I mostly do this to entertain myself, but I also hope that transitions into you guys being entertained and looking forward the next rp.
I promise the therapy sessions will move to more relevance on why Marx's attitude is what it is with Tryon as it will lead up to Rhodes' untimely death.
I also plan on some cd with Tiffany and the Justice Young situation too, which should be mildly amusing at least.
Anyway, comments - thoughts? Any feedback is welcome as I'm too old to take any criticism the wrong way. Just let me know.
Thanks.
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The Rogue
Established Name
The-Raise-The-Bar-Superstar
Posts: 330
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Post by The Rogue on Jun 14, 2013 10:13:55 GMT -5
I hated it
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The Rogue
Established Name
The-Raise-The-Bar-Superstar
Posts: 330
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Post by The Rogue on Jun 14, 2013 10:14:48 GMT -5
Nah, joke. It was well written. Love the CD. can't wait to see where you are going with it. The shoot is good. You mix up words well, keep it fresh and it flows well.
All in all, it doesn't look like you have been away from the game at all
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Post by Jerry on Jun 14, 2013 10:43:44 GMT -5
Thanks, really appreciated the last compliment. Was out of it from 03 to last month.
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The Rogue
Established Name
The-Raise-The-Bar-Superstar
Posts: 330
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Post by The Rogue on Jun 14, 2013 11:09:14 GMT -5
You stopped a year before I started haha. Make you feel old? Good stuff. Definitely wouldn't have guessed.
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Post by Jerry on Jul 14, 2013 12:52:19 GMT -5
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Post by Stephen on Jul 15, 2013 17:05:16 GMT -5
LOL. I like the Tiffany/Justice angle you're playing. She draws some serious heat that makes me want to tell her to just shut it.
As for the roleplay I like what you did with the Tiffany story thrown around two separate promos from Marx and Tryon. They're like two separate pages that are on the same piece of paper and I like that. I also like how both men, despite their differences, share the same views on their opponents and also share the same distaste with their status in the company. It's like no matter how much they don't get along, their shared views keep them together. I love that about this team. They're clearly two separate individuals that share a common goal, not a team that acts and thinks almost identical.
The Tiffany/Anonymous stuff was just gold though lol. For a second I thought she'd seriously pulled out the big guns on FGA.
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Post by Jerry on Aug 3, 2013 10:12:00 GMT -5
Tryon: fgawrestling.proboards.com/thread/2497/session-7-all-dnaMarx: fgawrestling.proboards.com/thread/2522/session-8-parasitic-emotionsOkay, so I did something a bit different this week and split up their roleplays. The main reason is that it's now time to start fleshing out Marx's CD that sort of abruptly was cut off from a few sessions ago with the therapy session. Benny has allowed me the opportunity to flesh it out with a much better present day story to go with it. I'm really looking forward to continuing this CD and hope you guys find it interesting. The offering for Tryon is more of the light hearted, yet selfish asshole stuff. Hopefully you found it entertaining. I do have more Tiffany/Justice stuff to come as well, but I'm kind of saving it for the next show. |
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Post by Stephen on Aug 4, 2013 0:25:24 GMT -5
I'm actually really interested in Marx's CD. I like that he's been a business owner and drama between former business partners is always interesting imo. Can't wait to see the interaction between the two (assumedly) former friends.
Tryon's roleplay was different lol. The ultimate sign of a douche? When he's willing to sell his procreative juice for both an IPad and as a way to brag about being a perfect specimen lol.
I liked the focus on these two this time around as opposed to Tiffany's story. I like what you're doing with Tiffany, but switching it up/taking a break was a good move storywise imo.
The promos were great, Marx's especially. I like Marx's roleplay as a whole more than Tryon's this week, but both were great. Your CD is great and entertaining so far so keep up the good work. Good luck with your match.
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Aug 11, 2013 20:11:54 GMT -5
Since you're always giving me feedback (and I have to kill time until 10pm because I'm DVRing Breaking Bad so my GF can watch True Blood), I figured I'd return the favor.
Session 7
Jesus Christ this is long. Not that that's a bad thing; I just forgot what having the time to write was like.
First note: Proofread. Normally I'd save this for a more egregious mistake but your RP starts "It was the social media event of the summer, and I was going to miss it because Dom Harter..." The opening line is supposed to be the hook, and if nothing else you have to make sure that sentence is right.
I like that you explain Tryon's motivation. I find it juvenile that he just has to get a new iPad, but 1. that could be the point and 2. I'm not sure if there's more too that or not.
"Sometimes a face can be too easy to read, and right now the expression on Chris Tryon’s face oozes complete annoyance." - Here's the thing with this sentence; if a face is so easy to read, why not describe what it looks like? Furrowed brow, pinched lip, red complexion. Why go the boring route and say that Tyron is annoyed. If it's so self-evident, then don't explain it. Show it. A much smaller point: the following three sentences are statements, not questions. #GrammarNazi
Your narrator has some character of his own. I like it a lot when writers do this. It adds a unique voice to the piece. My only question is: "Is this narrator editorializing too much?" He's passing a lot of judgment on the pen-clicker, which is fine, but how much do I really need to know/care about what some narrator thinks? The focus should stay on Tryon, not the narrator. This is more of a general commentary/thought-point than an outright critique.
Hilarious reveal for the sperm bank. And thank you for not going over the top.
Great mini-shoot on Harter. Really solid heel work.
There's an awful lot of cuts in this RP, and this scene with Tryon and Tiffany in the car... what does it add?
Another great shoot. This is where Tryon shines.
Followed by another cut... followed by another solid shoot.
Okay, so if I had one thing to say it'd be a miracle. First, focus on your shoots. This is your bread and butter. The Tryon character shines when he's talking, so let him talk. Don't be afraid to break it up with some movement, action, background, etc. but focus on him talking. Second, quiet the background noise. The car trip with Tiffany, the narrator... that's just noise. This entire promo could've been shot in the waiting room of the sperm bank and it wouldn't have lost anything, and probably would've gained a lot in terms of focus.
There's a lot of solid, raw material here. My advice would be this: if you could only say one thing, one sentence, with your RP what would it be? Find that, and then build outward. I can tell you've got a lot of ideas, and that's excellent. The problem is when there's more ideas and scenes than there are attention spans. So focus on the key point (singular) and build from that.
Session 8
There is a clear distinction in tone, cadence and character between Tryon and Marx. That is very impressive. Marx speaks much slower and methodically. It's charismatic. For me, there's WAY too much backstory about some past promotion. My eyes always glaze over when reading about people's history. It's more of a personal problem than a critique.
Two small points: you use too many adjectives like "notorious" and "infamous." What exactly makes Seattle's skyline "infamous" as opposed to famous? The second point: noir didn't really develop until the 40s and didn't reach prominence until the 50s.
Though now that you've planted the image in my head, I can't shake the noir tones of this piece. I'm picturing it in black and white. The rain, the sleazy dive, the exposition dialog. Well done.
This shoot is excellent. The dissection of Tomkins is spot on. There's really not much else I can add than that. It's tone, it's pacing are all in sync with what I learned of the character from the first part.
Final Thoughts
My one, over-arching comment would be to integrate your backstory/character development segments into your shoots. It may be a stylistic preference - Lord knows Nick (Chris Q) does a phenomenal job with the isolated shoot - but I think it would help you. On a related note: make the CD and the shoot work together. Let me ask these questions: what does Dom Harter have to do with a sperm bank? What do Tomkins/Stryker have to do with a strip joint? In other words, why are Tryon and Marx where they are. Advancing a background story is one thing, but you need to have congruency between your setting and what you're focusing on in your shoots.
For example - last week's show was in Richmond, so why did I have Drake in Boston? Why at (presumably) his old home? Yes, it advanced the background story I'm telling with Drake but it also acted as a backdrop for the focal point of his shoot. He wanted to focus on monsters and demons (and dragons), and he wove - through his shoot - the concept of evil taking many forms and the failure of heroes into his own personal torment. He looked for protection in a teddy bear the way, theoretically, someone would look for protection in a hero (or babyface). Like I said above, find your focal point and build outward. You've got a lot of raw ability, if you focus it... man, I can't wait to read that.
- V
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Post by Jerry on Aug 11, 2013 22:14:15 GMT -5
Hey Vinny, thanks.
#1 - Great constructive criticism. I know that you post a disclaimer a lot of the time before you post feedback because you're so honest. But this is how we can all become better writers in this game and everybody should appreciate how honest you are. If they can't take it then this game and writing in general isn't for them.
#2 - Still digesting to plot out for my next rp, but quick question... Do you feel I would benefit from moving away from the shoots with no scenery? I've been toying with a more novelized style like a Tomkins, Drake, or a Harter because I feel that it adds more dimension for the reader. I'm beginning to feel my characters are becoming a bit flat.
For that matter that question could be answered by anyone else too.
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Aug 11, 2013 22:30:46 GMT -5
Two contradictory pieces of advice:
1. It is always good to experiment and push yourself outside your comfort zone
2. People tend to write their best when they're in their element.
So, definitely experiment and try something new. But if it doesn't click for you, don't feel the need to stick with it because it is what someone else does. If everyone tried to write like Shakespeare, we'd have never had Orwell, Vonnegut, Tolkien, Pynchon, Salinger, etc. Everyone has their own unique way of telling a story. If you feel something is stale then definitely shake it up.
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Post by Jerry on Aug 20, 2013 11:45:37 GMT -5
Session 9: The Dom Harter Game - fgawrestling.proboards.com/thread/2594/session-9-dom-harter-gameI made some stylistic adjustments from the feedback I received. A narration piece before the CD scene to hopefully tie in as opposed to having the character explain. I also decided to eliminate cutting up the shoot with different CD scenes, hopefully allowing it to stand out more. I decided against novelizing my shoot as that's never really been my style. It's a change of pace for Tryon, i.e., a more serious glimpse of the character as opposed to his usual fuckery. Anyways, thoughts? |
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Post by Stephen on Aug 29, 2013 17:33:12 GMT -5
I thoroughly enjoyed both roleplays, but, as always, Marx's piece takes home the gold for me. I like Tryon, a lot actually. If he weren't such an obnoxious tool, he'd make for a great babyface. Speaking of babyfaces, over the last few roleplays have you been teasing a turn at some point in the future? I could be completely wrong here though.
Changing the format/style of your roleplays was a nice idea for these roleplays. These shoots did not need to be cut up, and were more effective for me because they weren't. I'm guilty of changing my style very frequently to keep things fresh and see what works and what doesn't.
Tryon's misadventures are always very fun to follow. His validating his hate for Dom by using Tiffany was true to his character. His shoot was also nice and stayed true to his character. I like that you're not stunting his development either.
As I said before, Marx is my favorite between these two. His gruffy, battle hardened self his always on full display and you write him perfectly. His mysterious past is also something that draws me to him. His shoot on The Murder is probably the best shoot against them I've read personally, and it is the standout piece imo. Great job!
I'm sorry that I don't have any real constructive criticism for these roleplays, but I didn't have too much of a problem with them either. Good luck with your match, man.
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